6,7月份 cracking ibt essay! 小组写作组 honey67的 第1次作业

honey67UID: 2645316

As we all know that the human is themost intelligent socialized animals in the world, no one could everlive by himself in this highly related globe. However, some peoplemight think that our extended families are not important as they usedto be due to many reasons. As far as I am concerned, I would say thatthe relationship between them depends on many facts and reasons,which would affect  the relationship between us.

In the first place, the extendedfamilies got their own concerns which will really absorb theirlimited attentions and carefulness as years passing by.  One of myuncle is a really good evidence I will say. He is the one who taughtme who to dance , he is the one who bought me my first ethnic cap andhe is the one who took me to his date with one of the girl he knows.But it was when I was a little girl, which means more than ten yearsago. However, after he started to work, got married and got his ownchildren, I cannot see that kindness and sweetness any more. Maybe itis because he has to care more about his children or we are gettingelder. But honestly speaking , I really feel the relationship isfurther than we used to share.

In the second place, we are gettingelder and having much higher requirements than we had before. When wewere little kids, a simple smile, a sweet candy, a little bonny, evena tender touch would show that how they care about us. However, itwill never show the magic now. I am sure no one of us would besatisfied if they just gave us a simple smile .

In the third place, every one of us arebusy with our own lives. Life is different to anyone of us. Due tomany reasons and dreams we might choose to live far from ourfamilies. Seems we are not that intimate and able to contactfrequently with each other as we did anymore. Now I am here in US,but I could only get chance to talk with my uncles and antes once awhile.

In a word, the relationship is keepchanging as we are playing the key role in this multi direction game.However, I know the most inner part of our heart , there is a placewe have stored all the beautiful and sweet memories with anyone ofthem.

hyacinthUID: 2184492

嗯 前天我就看到很多人写这篇同主题了。。。

我觉得吧 按时交作业是对你队友的一种尊重, 你觉得呢?

honey67UID: 2645316

嗯 前天我就看到很多人写这篇同主题了。。。

我觉得吧 按时交作业是对你队友的一种尊重, 你觉得呢?
hyacinth 发表于 2009-6-18 21:34

非常感谢楼上教给我的大道理。
但是有一点需要申明：我认为思路可以稍微放宽一点，或者说要求更具体一点。我并不是没有按时交作业，每周三、六22点之前。我相信参加小组的同学当中一定也有北美区的。但是没有看到规定的帖子里提到一定是北京时间。

不过，第一次交作业，好像是有点失物，因为现在才看到自己的小组名单，非常抱歉。但是我会尽力改好同组成员的作文。在这里向我的组员报个深深的歉意！

honey67UID: 2645316

好了，同组员的文章已经修改好了，但是发现我还算是非常尊重我的队友的。在我知道我的组员名单的第一时间给他们修改好了，但是到现在为止我没有看到我的任何一个组员来帮我批改作业哦。:L

奔跑蜗牛UID: 2579189

human is themost intelligent socialized animals
human is animals?? 这种语法错误……
in the ……place 这样看起来有些单调 可以尝试换一换词汇

建议楼主把 myuncle 这样的词好好改下 我们看起来很恼火

hyacinthUID: 2184492

As we all know that the human is the most intelligent socialized animals in the world, (animals? hello, what if the rater is someone who does not believe in evolution? ) no one could ever live by himself in this highly related globe. However, some peoplemight think that our extended families are not important as they usedto be due to many reasons (-> Due to many reasons, however, some people might think....) . As far as I am concerned, I would say that the relationship between them depends on many facts and reasons,which would affect  the relationship between us.(who are "them" and who are "us"?) you have to give a TS in your first paragraph and somehow i dont get it.

In the first place, the extended families got their own concerns which will really (try not use really in formal essay like this) absorb their limited attentions and carefulness as years passing(-> pass) by.  One of my uncles is a really good evidence I will say. He is the one who taught me who(-> how) to dance , he is the one who bought me my first ethnic cap andhe is the one who took me to his date with one of the girls he knows.(it's really weird he brought you to his date... the structure looks redundant to me and i have to say i rarely see parataxis in english, though it's popular and looks nice in Chinese essay) But it was when I was a little girl, which means more than ten years ago (-> not only it's too much information but also it's redundant. ). However, after he started to work, got married and got his ownchildren, I cannot see that kindness and sweetness any more. Maybe itis because he has to care more about his children or we are getting elder (-> older. though both elder and older are comparative forms of old, elder is used in elder brother/ sister and older is the one you want to use here). But honestly speaking , I really feel the relationship is further than we used to share.

In the second place, we are gettingelder and having much higher requirements than we had before. When wewere little kids, a simple smile, a sweet candy, a little bonny, even a tender touch would show that how they care about us. However, it will never show the magic now. I am sure no one (-> none ) of us would be satisfied if they just gave us a simple smile .

In the third place, every one of us (are -> is) busy with our own lives. Life is different to anyone of us. Due to many reasons and dreams we might choose to live far from our families . Seems we are not that intimate and able to contact frequently with each other as we did  (-> used to be) anymore. Now I am here in US,but I could only get (^a) chance to talk with my uncles and antes once a while.

In a word, the relationship is keepchanging as we are playing the key role in this multi direction game (when you use a metaphor, make sue your reader can get it. so tell me, what is this multi-directional game????).However, I know the most inner part of our heart , there is a place we have stored all the beautiful and sweet memories with any one of them (-> us).


I have the feeling that your essay is kind of off the topic, "Do you agree or not that the extended family (grandparents, cousins, uncles and antes) becomes less important nowadays than it was in the past?"
all you were saying is the change of a certain relationship, but the topic wants you to show that if the extended family becomes less important. i think you subtly change the topic into the relationship inside the extended family or the importance of intimacy of family members.
the reason i feel this way is because your essay lacks a THESIS STATMENT, which leads to incoherence and illogic.
so you might want to have an outline before you start writing. it helps a lot to make your idea flow.

besides, you are writing this essay in a less formal way by using "really", "seems blah blah blah" and so on. this could also be something you might want to work on.

generally speaking, you showed some ability to write fluent English and an essay like this should be 3.0~4.0

honey67UID: 2645316

human is themost intelligent socialized animals
human is animals?? 这种语法错误……
in the ……place 这样看起来有些单调 可以尝试换一换词汇

建议楼主把 myuncle 这样的词好好改下 我们看起来很恼火
奔跑蜗牛 发表于 2009-6-19 08:44

非常感谢你给我提出的问题，是我没有注意到这点。哈哈，不过会记得下次改过来的。:p 楼上的辛苦了，thanks for your time!

honey67UID: 2645316

6# hyacinth

Hey, thank you so much for your time and effort to help me with my essay.I agree with your score and your suggestions .This is my first TOEFL essay ,and i am sure there will be lots of problems. But i will try to work on well on my essay.

Talking about the grammatical points you have pointed out, i appreciate for your help.Because most of the same mistakes are happening every time when i am trying to use them.And this is because i never realize it was a mistake. :) But i will be more careful on them.

And the thesis statement is the one thing confused me when i was reading some materials about TOEFL essay. Yeah, i think i should do that ,i mean to make an outline for my essay.

Thanks again for your time and kindness. :)

RainbowteaUID: 2638793

It's the first time for me to publish words on Gter ,and I 'm sure I 've altered your composition,but it is located on the 108th floor（108#）.Have a nice weekend！

chineseladyUID: 2403976

语法细节被蘑菇改大的差不多咯.... 我说说看法吧...
第一段做好提出你的观点, 拓展家庭将来重要否? 这里好像很模糊的样子
第三段貌似跟题目的关系不大
整体看来并没有对拓展家庭的有更多分析, 叔叔的例子没有提到是住在一起还是....不在一起算不上是拓展家庭...
最后段也没提出拓展家庭未来的角色...
一些短语表达好像不适合的样子...:p
还有我的是你改的还是...谢谢了. 说的不好见谅