0910AW argument6 by 家家

家家☆yoonjaeUID：2646910

Argument 6
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

Grounding on the nearest jazz club is still quite far away from Monroe and then synthesizing the three circumstances sustain the popularity of jazz music, also the nationwide study which indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment; the author accordingly suggests that the new jazz club cannot help but make money. However, after carefully examination of this supporting evidence, it reveals that it lends little credible support to the author' s suggestion.

Firstly, the arguer claimed that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away from Monroe, thus the new jazz club would have the local market all to itself. It' s really cursory and unilateral for him to conclude this conclusion. The nearest jazz club is 65 miles faraway, doesn' t mean there is no other kind of club which also plays jazz music even if it is not a special jazz club. And the new club needs to attract more consumers; only geographical advantage is not enough, music quality, management, decoration, alcohol & beverages, etc. all these factors can affect the amount of consumers.

Secondly, the arguer concluded jazz is extremely popular in Monroe according to three circumstances: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Although there is quite a lot of people attended Monroe' s jazz festival last summer, we are still not sure whether this trend will continue or not in this year. It' s true that several well-known jazz musicians live locally, but they may have very tight schedule and can spend no time in the new jazz club or ask for a huge amount of performance fees. 'Jazz Nightly' which is the highest-rated radio program cannot strongly support the evidence of very popular jazz in Monroe, because maybe there is few people listen to the radio. Even if jazz was really very hot in Monroe as the author concluded, we cannot find the link of popularity and expense; a person may like jazz music very much but this doesn' t mean he would like to spend other money on it, he can choose some free ways of enjoying jazz such as radio program.

Thirdly, the author cited the nationwide study which indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment to prove the new club will earn a lot of money from those jazz fans, this is also irrational. There are several different choices for a jazz fan to spend money on jazz entertainment, jazz tapes, jazz CDs, famous jazz musicians'  concerts, jazz instruments, jazz magazines and so on, so a jazz fan spend such money on relevant jazz things doesn' t mean a lot of high benefits of opening a jazz club. Even though jazz fans would spend a lot on jazz club, we cannot say the new jazz club C note would earn a lot without consider the cost problem; rent and operating expenses probably to be extremely high in Monroe.

To sum up, the conclusion reached in the argument lacks credibility since the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer claims. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer should provide more information concerning the cost of opening a jazz club in Monroe and the approximate potential consumers to better evaluate the argument, we need more concrete evidence that people who live in Monroe is willing to spend money on jazz club, otherwise the argument is logically unacceptable.

irvine666UID：2575525

The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

Grounding on the nearest jazz club is still quite far away from Monroe(ground on 是个动词性词组，后面接从句的话要加that) and then synthesizing the three circumstances sustain the popularity of jazz music, also the nationwide study which indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment; the author accordingly suggests that the new jazz club cannot help but make money. However, after carefully examination of this supporting evidence, it reveals that it lends little credible support to the author' s suggestion.

Firstly, the arguer claimed that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away from Monroe, thus the new jazz club would have the local market all to itself（这句话是典型的废话，阅卷人比你清楚，不用你重复一遍题目的意思，应当直接进入论证过程。而且这种复述性质的话放在第一句里面，会让人摸不清你的主旨到底是什么。30分钟的ARGUMENT，时间紧迫，你只需要关注逻辑就行了。）. It' s really cursory and unilateral（这个词的意思请查W-M，我个人认为永远都不应当出现在A中） for him to conclude this conclusion.（这种话最好以后放到段落的最后去，在没有充分说理前下这么个定义，只能让别人觉得你的话不可信。） The nearest jazz club is 65 miles faraway, doesn' t mean there is no other kind of club which also plays jazz music even if it is not a special jazz club. And the new club needs to attract more consumers; only geographical advantage is not enough, music quality, management, decoration, alcohol & beverages, etc. all these factors can affect the amount of consumers.（这个amount of consumers实际上是new jazz club的，你这么写会给人一种错觉就是“全城的consumers的总数”，所以该交代清楚的东西一定不能省略。）

段落论证上的问题：
1.没有一个TS，这就意味着读者只能根据你后面的论述来猜你到底要批作者的哪个点，事实上如果不是看到最后那个consumers，我从你前文的论述中是绝对想不到你要批的居然是题目的最后一句话。但是RATER绝对不会像我一样仔仔细细的研究和猜测的，他们只有3-5分钟来看完你的全文，没有TS的后果就是悲剧...

2.喜欢话说到一半，剩下的让读者自己去“体味”。这是学术风格的说理性文章，不是平时写的小散文，任何推理都必须严格按照逻辑过程来。中国人通常的发散性思维方式，注定了A必然写的很乱，我给你举个例子，如果写自我介绍文章的时候，一般中国人会说：“第一段：我会做A这件事；第二段：我会做B这件事；第三段：我还会做很多其他事，同事们都叫我‘救火车’”。 但是美国人看了以后，就会觉得这个思维非常混乱，在他们眼里，正常论证过程应当是这样：“第一段：我会做A这件事；第二段：除了会做A，我还会做很多其他事 -- 分论点1：比如我会做B这件事； 分论点2：还有C,D,E,F我也会，因为这样，同事们都叫我‘救火车’”。好好对比一下这两种思维模式，然后先尝试着边写A边把自己的思维拧过来--严格的逻辑思维模式，这个过程很不容易，但是成功以后会很有收获，现在我就很爽...

3.我们经常会说一个人的论证很“单薄”，就是因为他省略了很多应该要说的东西，你这段其实也是一样的，从整个段落的表达来看，你要批的实际上是“新的JAZZ CLUB不一定会有这么多客人”，基于这个主题，我帮你完善一个分论点你学习一下这种论述方式好了：比如在 “The nearest jazz club is 65 miles faraway, doesn' t mean there is no other kind of club which also plays jazz music even if it is not a special jazz club.”这句话后面加上“The jazz fans might be accustomed to play in the clubs which do not prohibit jazz music. And even if the new special jazz club is built up, they might be unwilling to switch places for they do not want to change their old customs. Therefore, whether the new jazz music club can attract all jazz fans does not merely depend on its location”,接下来在论述你的other factors，这个部分就需要你自己去补充了。

Secondly, the arguer concluded jazz is extremely popular in Monroe according to three circumstances: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight.（通通砍掉，全是没用的话，换成你的TS） Although there is quite a lot of people attended Monroe' s jazz festival last summer, we are still not sure whether this trend will continue or not in this year.（continue与否根本就不是我们应该关心的，作者的推论是“参加festival的人多，说明jazz爱好者多，说明开jazz俱乐部参与的人多，说明开jazz俱乐部赚钱”。你更需要关注于："参加festival的人多不等于参加俱乐部的人也一样多" 这个话题。） （此外前后两个句子有什么联系么？前面是attend jazz festival,后面是jazz musicians are busy，又是完全断裂的论述）It' s true that several well-known jazz musicians live locally, but they may have very tight schedule and can spend no time in the new jazz club or ask for a huge amount of performance fees（题目提到 JAZZ MUSICIAN的意思仅仅是这个城市有很高的JAZZ人气而已，并没有说这些musician会来新的jazz club助阵，这个就属于你自己的发散了，ISSUE里面发散下倒是无妨，A里面就悲剧了。）. （继续进行前后破裂的论述）'Jazz Nightly' which is the highest-rated radio program cannot strongly support the evidence of very popular jazz in Monroe, because maybe there is few people listen to the radio（天哪...前面你自己明明都有提到highest-rated radio...这个because few people不是自打一耳光么？）. Even if jazz was really very hot in Monroe as the author concluded, we cannot find the link of popularity and expense; a person may like jazz music very much but this doesn' t mean he would like to spend other money on it, he can choose some free ways of enjoying jazz such as radio program.（终于看到一个合理的它因了，不容易啊...虽然论述仍然单薄了些）

这段话里面暴露了一个极其严重的问题，在详细说明之前，我先给你画一下逻辑分析图：

最近的JAZZ Club在XX公里外 ---> 新Jazz Club能够占领本地市场                         \
                                                                                                                                 \
jazz festival参与人数多 \                                                                            \
jazz musician住在这里   |--->jazz在这里很popular--->本地的JAZZ FAN人数很多      |--->新JAZZ CLUB会很赚钱
jazz radio收听率高         /                                                                                           /
                                                                                                           /
study ---> JAZZ FAN花钱也多 ---> 本地的JAZZ FAN花钱也多                           /

很显然你这一段批的就是粉红色的逻辑关系。然而你的批驳方式是：jazz festival参与人数多 不一定存在，jazz musician住在这里 不一定去club,jazz radio收听率高 不一定存在。这就是最典型的只批文章里面东西的“存在性”的肤浅论述。按照一般的共识来讲，A当中的东西是：存在即合理。你完全没有必要，也不应当去质疑他给出的证据到底存在不存在，所需要批的仅仅是：我认了，这东西存在，但是存在也得不到你下文的结论。（这里的最后一部分讲的比较详细）

换言之：你批的不应该是逻辑关系图里面的字，而应该是“箭头”，批箭头才是永远最有效的ARGUMENT。
关于怎么批箭头，草木写的A242同主题（链接在此）里面，有很详细和很形象的解释，我就不多说了，你自己去看看吧，体会一下。A可不是个简单的东西哪...

Thirdly, the author cited the nationwide study which indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment to prove the new club will earn a lot of money from those jazz fans, this is also irrational.(罗嗦了，精简，改写之) There are several different choices for a jazz fan to spend money on jazz entertainment, jazz tapes, jazz CDs, famous jazz musicians'  concerts, jazz instruments, jazz magazines and so on, so a jazz fan spend such money on relevant jazz things doesn' t mean a lot of high benefits of opening a jazz club. Even though jazz fans would spend a lot on jazz club, we cannot say the new jazz club C note would earn a lot without consider the cost problem（need more details and inferences）; rent and operating expenses probably to be extremely high in Monroe.

基本大的问题都在上两段里面指出来了，这一段倒是没有什么新的问题出现，按照上面的问题来改写一下这段吧。

To sum up, the conclusion reached in the argument lacks credibility since the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer claims. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer should provide more information concerning the cost of opening a jazz club in Monroe and the approximate potential consumers to better evaluate the argument, we need more concrete evidence that people who live in Monroe is willing to spend money on jazz club, otherwise the argument is logically unacceptable.（结尾不改，个人习惯）

家家☆yoonjaeUID：2646910

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊，谢谢66！！！！！ 吼过之后慢慢看去，大MUA一个，辛苦了

irvine666UID：2575525

我还没改完，激动个啥...

家家☆yoonjaeUID：2646910

额。。66只改两段？？。。。

irvine666UID：2575525

我都是改一点发一点，要不然批个文章一个半小时，万一最后哪儿系统或者IE或者我手残崩溃一下，我就该崩溃了

家家☆yoonjaeUID：2646910

【撅嘴】哦。。。。白鸡冻。。。【蹲墙角反省去了】。。要出门上班了。。一会到公司了继续看。。果然被66改一下就是不一样。。

虽然挨骂了，可以好开心。。。【受虐因子爆发】

家家☆yoonjaeUID：2646910

'Jazz Nightly' which is the highest-rated radio program cannot strongly support the evidence of very popular jazz in Monroe, because maybe there is few people listen to the radio（天哪...前面你自己明明都有提到highest-rated radio...这个because few people不是自打一耳光么？）

话说。。。66丫。。。这里我这句话是想说'Jazz Nightly'这个节目虽然收听率很高，但是不能表示收听的人很多，因为可能Monroe听radio的人本来就少。。。这样写不对？

irvine666UID：2575525

如果你一定要说收听raido的少，那也可以make sense，但是这不是关键点，这段最后我给你分析了一个最关键的问题

家家☆yoonjaeUID：2646910

恩恩，你慢慢“训” 【乖宝宝状】
我一会回来看，现在趁老板没来我去看会书
sincerely谢谢66，辛苦闹 >3<

irvine666UID：2575525

终于改完了...好在昨天没人占座，不然今天又超时间预算鸟...

lucarlUID：2616426

看了666版主的修改铺，心得良多~

家家☆yoonjaeUID：2646910

Argument 6
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

Grounding on the obvious geographic advantage of the planned jazz club and then synthesizing the three circumstances sustain the popularity of jazz music, as well as the nationwide study which indicates the expense of the typical jazz fan, the author concludes that opening a new jazz club in Monroe can earn handsome profits. Although his statement looks logically at first glance, we can easily find out several flaws of his supporting evidences.

Basically, geographic factor is not the unique determinant which cause people to choose a club. The author emphasized the proposed jazz club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself because the nearest jazz club was 65 miles away; however, this is not such cogent. The long distance of the nearest jazz club doesn’t mean there is no other kind of club which also plays jazz music even it is not a special jazz club. Those jazz fans probably be accustomed to play in those clubs they haunted where not prohibit jazz music. And even if the new special jazz club was built up, they may still prefer to stay at the old places because of familiar environment and familiar guests who became their friends during past years. Besides, music quality, management, decoration, alcohol & beverages, etc. all these factors can affect a person choose his favorite club. Therefore, whether the new jazz music club can attract all jazz fans does not merely depend on its location.

Moreover, those three circumstances which the author mentioned cannot bolster his conclusion, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, that steady-steadily. Let’s retrospect the first evidence he cited, over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer; this amount perhaps means a lot of the successful organized event but means less to show the number of local jazz fans because there might be majority who came from other places. Maybe Monroe is a famous tourist attraction, its fabulous views attract a huge number of people come to visit every summer, and then visitors attend the jazz festival as fun of their journeys; alternatively, Monroe’s jazz festival is nationwide well-known and always attract a lot of jazz fans attend this event. Meanwhile, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe also couldn’t support jazz is popular in this area, according to our common sense, those famous people usually like to choose places where are distant from their fanatical fans; thus, Monroe even probably has less jazz fans than other areas. In the same way, we couldn’t find the close connection between jazz’s popularity and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly'; several reasons may cause the result of highest-rated, such as low quality of other radio programs at the same time of 'Jazz Nightly' in Monroe, or this program is broadcasting during prime time and would have more audiences who listen to radio routinely, etc. In short, it’s not that reasonable for us to take it for granted of high popularity then high-rated. Even if jazz was really very hot in Monroe as the author concluded, we cannot find the link of popularity and expense; a person may like jazz music very much but this doesn’t mean he would like to spend other money on it, he can choose some free ways of enjoying jazz such as radio program.

In addition, the nationwide study as the author’s reference to support the expense is still irrational. There are a lot of choices for a typical jazz fan to spend money on jazz entertainment, like jazz tapes, jazz CDs, famous jazz musicians' concerts, jazz instruments, and jazz magazines and so on; thereby, even Monroe’s jazz fans spend certain amount according to the nationwide study indicated, it doesn’t mean a lot of high benefits of opening a jazz club.

To sum up, the conclusion reached in the argument lacks credibility since the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer claims. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer should provide more information concerning the cost of opening a jazz club in Monroe and the approximate potential consumers to better evaluate the argument, we need more concrete evidence that people who live in Monroe is willing to spend money on jazz club, otherwise the argument is logically unacceptable.

lucarlUID：2616426

Grounding on the obvious geographic advantage of the planned jazz club and then synthesizing the three circumstances sustain the popularity of jazz music, as well as the nationwide study which indicates the expense of the typical jazz fan, the author concludes that opening a new jazz club in Monroe can earn handsome profits. Although his statement looks logically at first glance, we can easily find out several flaws of his supporting evidences.

Basically, geographic factor is not the unique（这个词重点在强调“独一无二”，用来说only的意思，不太准确） determinant which causes people to choose a club. The author emphasized the proposed jazz club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself because the nearest jazz club was 65 miles away; however, this is not such cogent. The long distance of the nearest jazz club doesn’t mean(我总觉得这个主语，和下面这一长句连起来逻辑上很难受，不如直接说It is entirely possible…bla bla bla) there is no other kind of club which also plays jazz music even it is not a special jazz club. Those jazz fans probably be accustomed to play in those clubs they haunted where not prohibit jazz music. And even if the new special jazz club was built up, they may still prefer to stay at the old places because of familiar environment and familiar guests who became their friends during past years(because 后面才是你真正有内容的东西，前面和those jazz fans probably be accustomed to…完全重复，鉴于家家你字数已经很多了，没必要用这半句话来凑字数。【草木跳出来说】：即使有必要也不要这么凑-_-). Besides, music quality, management, decoration, alcohol & beverages, etc. all these factors can affect a person choose his favorite club. Therefore, whether the new jazz music club can attract all jazz fans does not merely depend on its location.


开头结尾都点到“地段不是唯一因素”，经过66指导果然不一样。不过貌似和你第一次改动也不太大，难道家家就是传说中的大牛？

Moreover, those three circumstances看到这里才发现问题，（开头你也用了这个，我标出来）。但是没有说具体是哪三个环境因素，rater比咱们还清楚题目不假，那也要让他们知道你要说的是哪三个不是？万一你比较有想象力想的不是他以为的那三个呢？-_- which the author mentioned cannot bolster his conclusion, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, that steady-steadily. Let’s retrospect the first evidence he cited, over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer; this amount perhaps means a lot of the successful organized event but means less to show the number of local jazz fans because there might be majority who came from other places. Monroe maybe（Maybe Monroe） is a famous tourist attraction, its fabulous views attract a huge number of people come to visit every summer, and then visitors attend the jazz festival as fun of their journeys; alternatively, Monroe’s jazz festival is nationwide well-known and always attract a lot of jazz fans attend this event. Meanwhile, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe also couldn’t support jazz is popular in this area, according to our common sense, those famous people usually like to choose places where are distant from their fanatical fans; thus, Monroe even probably has less jazz fans than other areas.明星们不敢与fans过多接触是怕意外或者麻烦吧，是有点冷淡fans的嫌疑，但是不好说能不能打消fans们的热情，不然还是fans吗-_- 你换的这个例子，我觉得还不如以前那个Jazz musicians have their own busy schedule。 In the same way, we couldn’t find the close connection between jazz’s popularity and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly'; several reasons may cause the result of highest-rated, such as low quality of other radio programs at the time of 'Jazz Nightly' in Monroe, or this program is broadcasting during prime time and would have more audiences who listen to radio routinely, etc.展开：可能他们只是在这个时段习惯将radio开着，但是又没有其他好的节目，只好放在Jazz Nightly上，而平时根本不听jazz，更谈不上Jazz fans了。 In short, it’s not that reasonable for us to take it for granted of high popularity then high-rated. Even if jazz was really very hot in Monroe as the author concluded, we cannot find the link of popularity and expense; a person may like jazz music very much but this doesn’t mean he would like to spend other money on it, he can choose some free ways of enjoying jazz such as radio program.我有个疑问，这段既然说到钱了，为什么不和下一段放在一起，开头说“fans们不一定花钱”，然后说“花钱也可能 XX
XX
XXX bla bla bla ”。现在放在这一段的结尾，让人觉得和本段的主题（三个表面现象不能说明fans众多，jazz很热），没什么太大关系。不知道对不对~

In addition, the nationwide study as the author’s reference to support the expense is still irrational. There are a lot of choices for a typical jazz fan to spend money on jazz entertainment, like jazz tapes, jazz CDs, famous jazz musicians' concerts, jazz instruments, and jazz magazines and so on; thereby, even Monroe’s jazz fans spend certain amount according to the nationwide study indicated, it doesn’t mean a lot of high benefits of opening a jazz club.

这段思路，佩服~为什么说人有差距呢

To sum up, the conclusion reached in the argument lacks credibility since the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer claims. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer should provide more information concerning the cost of opening a jazz club in Monroe and the approximate potential consumers to better evaluate the argument, we need more concrete evidence that people who live in Monroe is willing to spend money on jazz club, otherwise the argument is logically unacceptable.