TOEFL集结号 暑假集中突破 第六次作文作业by 枕头和书

枕头和书UID: 2578813

TOEFL集结号 暑假集中突破 第六次作文作业

Some people believe that people spend too much time on personal enjoyment than ever before, they had ignored their responsibility which they should take. A contrary view would reveal that the people did not forget the things they should to do. In my point of view, I am inclined to support the later one.

To begin with, the reason why people pay more attention to the enjoyment is that the modern technologies give us an opportunity to have more leisure time than ever before. The new inventions had obviously improve the productivity of our society. As a result, we have avoided a lot of arduous works, and a more comfortable and easy life is leading the world now. However, the enhancing of the entertainment does not mean that we did not focus on our responsibility and the work we should to do. These things are still keep on our mind. May be they are not time-consuming any more, we always keep most of our energy on that.

What’ more, spending time on personal enjoyment is not definitely reveal that the things we should to do is neglected. Some people’s enjoyment has lots and lots of association with the things about their responsibility. It is true our life time is limited, but we have the chance to do the works we truly love. In such cases, the things we enjoy is also one of our responsibility.

Anyway, people can not always work all days, some entertainment is necessary to our daily life. Just like a old saying goes:” All work, no play, make a Jake a dull boy.” For instance, the over strain in the work can lead to some diseases, such as karoshi. In such case, people should pay more attention to relax. For the body’s fitness, the time spending on enjoyment is necessary.

In sum, with the help of high-tech, the efficiency of our modern world is improved significantly, which give us more spare time to harness. As this condition, we can shift our focus on entertain met sometimes. As for the balance of our life and work, proper entertainment is necessary for our health and our society activities.

MVTUID: 2588209

回复： 1# 枕头和书

批改说明：
1. 红色: 不太合适的地方；
2. 蓝色: 值得学习的地方；
3. 淡紫: (my comment).

Some people believe that people spend too much time on personal enjoyment than ever before, (and) they had ignored their responsibility which they should take. A contrary view would reveal that the people did not forget the things they should to do. In my point of view, I am inclined to support the later one(楼主好像经常喜欢这样一个表述风格，引出一个反面，然后说我同意"前者""后者"，这确实是一种常用的写法，但是感觉如果干巴巴地正说一下，反说一下，然后表态。能不能把那个反观点省略，直接把它写到态度里呢？这个我也不确定，想楼主能不能抽时间讨论一下，嘿嘿).(首段陈述观点：people do not forget the things they should do.)

To begin with, the reason why people pay more attention to the enjoyment is that the modern technologies give us an opportunity to have more leisure time than ever before(这个观点非常新颖，学习了，超赞一个！). The new inventions had obviously improve the productivity of our society. As a result, we have avoided a lot of arduous works, and a more comfortable and easy life is leading the world now. However, the enhancing of the entertainment does not mean that we did not focus on our responsibility and the work we should to do. These things are still keep on our mind. May be they are not time-consuming any more, we always keep most of our energy on that. (小让步，引出自己的观点。非常新颖！而且提出了 what we should do may not be time-consuming 的观点)

What’ more(记得上次楼主好像也是这个习惯，上段转折了好像没有提出第一点的意思，感觉是一个很好的过渡。那么这儿就应该是自己论证的第一步，用what's more感觉不顺。作者应该是跟B1中 to begin with 呼应，但是觉得观点变了，不应该用递进了。欢迎继续讨论！), spending time on personal enjoyment is not definitely reveal that the things we should to do is neglected. Some people’s enjoyment has lots and lots of association with the things about their responsibility. It is true our life time is limited, but we have the chance to do the works we truly love. In such cases, the things we enjoy is also one of our responsibility. "(反对主题的论证1：something we enjoyed is just what we should be responsible for)

Anyway, people can not always work all days, some entertainment is necessary to our daily life. Just like a(n) old saying goes:” All work, no play, make a Jake a dull boy.” For instance, the over strain in the work can lead to some diseases, such as karoshi. In such case, people should pay more attention to relax. For the body’s fitness, the time spending on enjoyment is necessary.(论证2：entertainment is necessary because it can keep physical fit.)

In sum, with the help of high-tech, the efficiency of our modern world is improved significantly, which give us more spare time to harness. As this condition, we can shift our focus on entertain met sometimes(????). As for the balance of our life and work, proper entertainment is necessary for our health and our society activities.(结论：高新技术节省了工作时间，从而人们娱乐，同时还对身体有益)
COMMENTS:
作者反对主题，主要从“喜欢的事情正是从事的”和“适度娱乐可以对身心健康有益”2点来反驳，思路清楚。但是最后一段结论写得不好，感觉没有回归到自己的驳斥的观点上。

这个主题我很头疼，这儿就不多说了。楼主抽时间帮我好好看看吧！谢啦！

文赋UID: 2611067

Some people believe that people spend toomuch time on personal enjoyment than ever before, they had ignored theirresponsibility which they should take. A contrary view would reveal that thepeople did not forget the things they should to do. In my point of view, I aminclined to support the later one.

To begin with, the reason why people paymore attention to the enjoyment is that the modern technologies give us anopportunity to have more leisure time than ever before. The new inventions hadobviously improved（时态要一致，不过这里应该用现在完成进行吧？实在不行，写作可以用一般式，现在英语没这么讲究了。） the productivity of our society. As a result, we have avoided a lotof arduous works, and a more comfortable and easy lifeis leading the world now.（能看出来是两个句子，但是太诡异了，不如修改成共用主语we的一个复合句。）However, the enhancing of the entertainment does not mean that we did not focuson our responsibility and the work we should to do. These things are still keepingon our mind. May be they are not time-consuming any more, we always keep mostof our energy on that. 这个分论点，与其大段论述，不如举一个例子，我想technology的efficient and effective effects 的例子应该不少吧，之前也有过类似的题目。总之，有例子则不论述，缺乏例子时才被逼无奈用论述。

What’ more, spending time on personalenjoyment is not definitely reveal that the things we should to do虽然题干很虚，我们也得改写成一个实在的东西，比如工作学习啊。 is neglected. Some people’s enjoyment has lots and lots ofassociation with the things about their responsibility. It is true our lifetimeis limited, but we have the chance to do the works we truly love. In suchcases, the things we enjoy is also one of our responsibility. 这一段论述的过于苍白，论述有个问题就是，和例子比，要论述的更有道理，写的东西要更多。不能说，因为娱乐好，所以我娱乐，怎么也得忽悠一串才行。因此，还是要多积累例子，但重视论述，因为不敢保证考试时就能碰到枪口上。

Anyway, people can not always work alldays, some entertainment is necessary to our daily life. Just like a old sayinggoes:” All work, no play, make a Jake a dull boy.” For instance, the overstrain in the work can lead to some diseases, such as karoshi（我说着怎么看着像日本人名字，汗,不过严格来说，过劳死不是disease，不过要是不较真就算了。）. In such case, peopleshould pay more attention to relax. For the body’s fitness, the time spendingon enjoyment is necessary.

In sum, with the help of high-tech, theefficiency of our modern world is improved significantly, which give us morespare time toharness（什么意思？工作岗位？这个用词略偏）. Asthis condition, we can shift our focus on entertainment sometimes. As for the balance of ourlife and work, proper entertainment is necessary for our health and our societyactivities.

例子啊例子啊，GRE写作可以没有例子（GRE要有抽象例子，可以不说那么具体），但是托福怎么也要某一段中有一个吧？
平时准备要写出150％水平的文章，考试时才能有100％的发挥，写完一篇文章消化一篇，怎么消化，最简单就是自己背自己写过的呗。我保证，就算是自己写的，都不能一遍就背的一字不落。