[求助] achillesliu 的托福作文练习 [复制链接]

achillesliu
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电梯直达

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发表于 2012-7-10 12:14:32 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 achillesliu 于 2012-7-10 12:15 编辑

感谢Romanus，这是我第一次写独立作文，请痛批！:p

题目是
do you agree or disagree with the following statement: children should have similar jobs with you.
谢谢！

Should children have similar jobs with you

I don’t think it’s good to choose the same job as mine for my children. There are countless ways for them in their lives. It is good to make every way possible. And more important, the choice should be made by themselves.

Although the scene looks good: the families are holding a clock-making shop in Shanghai, and after generations’ hard work, the small shop finally make it a big business. It is a typical story of many family shops and many would appreciate it. But I don’t think it attractive. On the way to achieve a great family business, there would be some sacrifices on their children’s job choosing problem. Everybody have their own rights to choose their jobs and lifestyles. There should be countless ways for the future of children.

Furthermore, the choice should be made on their interests. Jobs, or more seriously career, is the subject that would cost almost one’s largest part of lifetime and energy. If he or she don’t like the job, I cannot imagine he or she would be happy in life. On the contrary, one with a beloved job would be vigorous everyday and can make a great achievement. I know a person who studied Chinese literature for his undergraduate degree, but changed to physics in PH.D. study. And now he is director of a famous Max Plank Institute of Germany!

What to make more benefits for a multi-subject-working family is that they can make a synthesis of different jobs, especially for those family filled with scientists. Science in the 21st century develops towards a discipline-mixed study. Great breakthroughs that will change our societies and times, to name a few, quantum computer, gene engineering, and social computing, they all comes as the workout of coordination of many disciplines. So a family with different subject of studies will make a great fusion of different ideas which would comes out as an advantage over single discipline family. Not only the field of science, many other careers in our times turn out to be the same consequences.

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mpromanus
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发表于 2012-7-11 00:52:33 |只看该作者

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: children should have similar jobs with you. (I assumed the question meant 'YOUR children should have similar jobs as yours'..or else it doesn't make much sense.)

I don’t think it’s good to choose the same job as mine for my children. There are countless ways for them ('ways' of what? The Chinese idea of 'way' is very elusive – you need to be more specific with English.) in their lives. It is good to make every way possible. And more importantly, the choice should be made by themselves.

Although the scene looks good: the families (Why plural?) are holding a clock-making shop in Shanghai, and after generations’ hard work, the small shop finally became a big business. It is a typical story of many family shops and many would appreciate it. But I don’t think it attractive (Either 'I don't find it attractive' or 'I don't think it is attractive'.). On the way to achieve a great family business, there would be some sacrifices on their children’s job choosing problem (This looks suspiciously like a translation of 在他们孩子的工作选择问题上必须作出一些牺牲..which actually doesn't make much sense in English. Who is making the sacrifices? What exactly are the 'sacrifices' in this context? Are the parents to give up the shop because their children don't want the business, or something else? What you write here is very vague and not very meaningful.). Everybody has his own rights to choose his jobs and lifestyles. There should be countless ways for the future of children.(So..what is the point of this paragraph? You've pretty much repeated what you said in the very first paragraph and I don't see any furthering evidence or argument.)

Furthermore, the choice should be made on their interests. Jobs, or more seriously careers, is the subject that would take up almost (If you say 'almost', it means it is NOT the largest part..) one’s largest part of lifetime and energy. If he or she doesn’t like the job, I cannot imagine he or she would be happy in life. On the contrary, one with a beloved job would be vigorous everyday and can make a great achievement. I know a person who studied Chinese literature for his undergraduate degree, but changed to physics in PH.D. study. And now he is director of a famous Max Planck Institute of Germany! (The Max Planck Institute is not a single lab, but a group of many, many research organizations. There's a MP institute for psycholinguistics, and two for plasma physics, for example. The examiners of course will not fuss over such facts but at least do get the name right. The other issue is, I don't see how this is relevant to the question at hand because your example didn't mention anything about the jobs of the parents of this person you know..it doesn't matter if he chose physics instead of literature; it only matters whether his parents also worked in physics or literature..)

What to make more benefits for a multi-subject-working family (I'm not sure what 'multi-subject-working' means here. If you mean to say 'a family whose members work in different areas', then don't try too hard to further complicate your language. Keep it simple and clear.) is that they can make a synthesis of different jobs, especially for those family filled with scientists. Science in the 21st century develops towards a discipline-mixed (The term would be 'cross/inter-disciplinary'.) study. Great breakthroughs that will change our societies and times, to name a few, quantum computers, gene engineering, and social computing, they all comes as the workout of coordination of many disciplines. So a family with different subject of studies will make a great fusion of different ideas which would comes out as an advantage over single discipline family. (But you could say the members of a family with different subjects of studies are still doing essential the SAME JOB – they are all scientists/researchers. So your argument actually can fire back on itself..)Not only the field of science, many other careers in our times turn out to be the same consequences.(If you so must claim this, then you need to support your claim with evidences and examples. Writing a causal line without any supporting argument like this will make the power of your arguments weaker, not stronger.)

总结：

语法尚可，表达上比较拧。。请不要太逼自己翻译很华丽的中文表达，清晰明了最重要。

最大的问题是论述。。完全没有议论文该有的议论。。第二段基本重复第一段的观点。。第三段去写兴趣神马的但是兴趣和父母的工作是否相同是没有关系的，你不能说和父母的工作相同就等于没有兴趣，何况你的例子只是关于‘兴趣’这个关键词，根本就没有提到任何关于父母的工作的情况，也就是根本和题目不搭边，典型的从题目的关键词漂移到另一个关键词然后就顺着另一个关键词往下写于是越写越远。。第四段也是这样，很happy地去讨论不同的科研领域互相合作了但是我可以说虽然工作领域不一样但是还都是同一份科研的工作亚。。就是说你心里完全没有一个主导方向，说题目是这个样子我的几个论点是这个样子，论点跟题目之间神马关系所以要怎样展开。。你的写法是捡到一个貌似有点关联的点就是盘子里的菜。。= = 建议先读个几篇高分的例文，至少对议论要如何展开有个概念。。

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