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[经验思考] 羊年贺岁-网友习作点评系列之三 [复制链接]

tesolchina
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电梯直达

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发表于 2015-3-1 00:41:03 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Issue 149 点评
149) In any field—business, politics, education, government—those in power should be required to step down after five years.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

这是习作点评系列的第三道题

先回顾一下在前两次点评中找到的问题

常见问题

内容问题

开头段
开头段无明确而复杂的观点
开头段东扯西拉未按照常见格式来写
忽略题目的关键概念
背景句未能抓住题目要害

中间段
中间段缺乏明确的重点
中间段讨论的内容与题目关联不紧密
没有提供细节支持论点
文章的中间段之间出现自相矛盾的观点
中间段提出的例子不合适
提出的观点不合适或不能让人信服

结论段
最后一段提出新的观点

语言表达问题
明显语法问题
语法正确但是意思不清楚
照抄原题文字而未做同意转换
滥用模板句型

第一篇就不隐藏了大家可以看看
然后建议要考的同学也写一下这篇单独发帖把链接回帖发到这里

这几篇实在写得很烂能理解为什么很多同学最终放弃了GRE作文
向那些为拿到高分不懈努力的同学致敬

习作01

In this rapidly changing and complex era, there springs up a heated debate over stepping down among those in power in any field such as business, politics, education and government.  Either they should be required to step down after five years or not?  I tend to agree that both of them are important, concerning limiting the term of leadership is an effective way to prevent incontrollable and lack of initiatives, except sometimes the certain environment needs the growth leader.
第一句话表达有问题  语法正确但是意思不清楚
忽略题目的关键概念也就是年限
Either这句话有明显语法问题
观点句也是有明显语法问题
开头段无明确而复杂的观点 - 不太明白这里说的 both of them are important指的是什么

Having no fear of losing their power, leaders, not required to step down, tend to abuse their power, and things may go out of control one day. For example, after a long-time office, Chairman Mao, the leader of new China, dragged China into a manmade disaster. At that time, though many people tried to prevent the disaster because they thought the manmade trouble was crazy and irrational, they failed to stop the break-out because Mao had been an absolute ruler. When a man was assertive, he would have to make many personal judgments, among which there were fatal errs. If only the man in power had been required to step down after several years, the mistakes might be correct in time and had little effects.

中间段
没有提供细节支持论点这里虽然也有具体的例子和细节但是并没有明确指出题目所提出的5年下台和例子之间的关联  因此也存在中间段提出的例子不合适的问题

关于文革的问题要讲的更清楚一些并要解释这个例子如何支持分论点

Since the leaders' resource has been exhausted after a few years, such as 5 years, a new leadership usually has greater initiative and would bring in new ideas. Especially in education area, it was the gradual of the change shaping higher education. When the scholar starts a new leadership role, even in the same organization, he/she comes in fresh ideas and a new perspective. Term limits are an effort to let new leaders avoid stereotype.

中间段
中间段缺乏明确的重点
这几句话基本上是相互独立的并没有串在一起
不太明白 resource has been exhausted想表达什么
Especially in education area, it was the gradual of the change shaping higher education有明显的语法问题
没有具体的例证

However, in certain areas such as filmdom it might not be so necessary to limit the term of leadership. In studying some of the successful executive directors and their top teams, people will be struck by the fact that many of them have extraordinarily long tenure. Such as Akira Kurosawa, Steven Allan Spoelberg and Zhang Yimou, who may called “growth leader” who take on a founder-like role and hold the leadership position for decades. Some might argue that long tenure is unhealthy for an organization. However, facts turn out that continuity of leadership contribute to success. For one thing, these executives and managers spend much of their time cultivating relationships – if a leader leaves, some of these are lost, and also gone with him or her are the accumulated administrative skills and wisdom.

我觉得这个例子是不合适的因为导演并不能算those in power 可能在拍电影的时候有一定的power  但是并没有在某个机构里任职
中间段提出的例子不合适

Such as Akira Kurosawa, Steven Allan Spoelberg and Zhang Yimou, who may called “growth leader” who take on a founder-like role and hold the leadership position for decades. 语法问题严重

facts turn out that  明显语法问题

In sum, whether limit the time of leadership is still open to discussion. We need to reexamine the results of limiting the time of leadership in order to ascertain the benefits and indeed the detrimental aspects from a new perspective. Otherwise, various perceived accomplishments might in fact prove to be far from beneficial.

明显语法问题  这个同学语法问题太严重建议大家考过托福作文24分以上再考GRE

游客，如果您要查看本帖隐藏内容请回复

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沙发

发表于 2015-3-4 22:51:23 |只看该作者

149) In any field—business, politics, education, government—those in power should be required to step down after five years.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

开头段：
In fear of the abuse of power, in many fields, those in power are required to quit after a certain period of time, for example five years. However, I don't think it is an effective way to rein the power since it will impede the continuity of policies or business strategies. And we do have some better choices to prevent the abuse of power.

ts1:
In the world of politics, limited time of a term may not be enough for leaders to foster the trust and confidence of the people, not to mention apply some revolutionary policies in the country.
在政坛，有限的任期不足以让人民对领导者产生足够的信任和信心，从而使领导者很难实施一些具有革命性的政策。特别是一些有争议的或是对人民的短期利益有损失的政策，更需要有民众的信任作为基础，而不能在任期一开始就进行。例如奥巴马的医疗改革政策，就是在第二个任期内获得通过的。罗斯福在二战时期的领导也是建立在前两个任期内获得了民众足够的信任基础上。如果只有5年任期，那么很难想象缺少这些伟大的政绩将如何影响这个世界。乔布斯在苹果的成就也花了超过10年的时间。

ts2:
On the other hand, if the leader is determined to build his absolute power in a long period of time, the policy of one five-year term can be circumvented on purpose, and thus the power can still be abused.
另一方面，如果一个leader要有心建立绝对的权利, 5年任期的限制也可以被规避，从而失去作用。最明显的例子是普京(Putin)和梅德韦杰夫(Medvedev)的二人转。另外通过培植亲信，即使不在位，仍然可以控制掌权。

ts3:
Last but not least, alternative methods, such as separation of powers and the supervision of the board and stockholders can be used to better rein the abuse of power.
除了有限任期制之外，权力的分立和监督能够更好的起到限制权力滥用的作用。例如西方的三权分立制度，商业和教育领域的董事会制度等等，都从各种方面使得领导者受到监督，从而不必过分担心权利滥用的问题，而可以给予更长的任期。

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ee_stone
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板凳

发表于 2015-3-5 23:35:39 |只看该作者

149) In any field—business, politics, education, government—those in power should be required to step down after five years.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In fear of the abuse of power, in many fields, people in power are required to quit the position after a certain period of time, for example, five years. However, the limited time of the term may impede the growth of a leader and the development of long-term projects. Moreover, the limited time can actually be circumvented and we have better alternatives to rein the power.

In many cases, limited time of a term is not enough for a leader to grow and finally be success. Before Apple launched iPhone 5 in 2012, Jobs had been the leader of this great company for more than ten years. He ran into a lot of problems in the first few years after he took the CEO position. Only after he grew more mature and built great culture for the company, can Apple launch the great project of iPhone, which took another five years to evolve to the most successful smart device so far on this planet. Assuming that Jobs quit his job after five years, we won't have iPod, iPhone and iPad.

In the political world, a five-year term is also not enough for a leader to build the people's trust and confidence on them, not to mention to lead the country to great success. Franklin Roosevelt, who was the only president in the history of United States to be at the position for four terms, did build the trust on him through the first two terms by dragging US from the Great Depression. Hence, people put their confidence and hope on a man on the wheelchair, to lead them to fight in the World War II. Without Roosevelt's exceptional long time in position, US may take longer to be united and win the war.

On the other hand, the rule of term can be circumvented if one intends to do so. In Russia, Putin and Medvedev are working perfectly together to stay in power for more than 10 years. They take turns to be the president and the prime minister respectively, so that each of them won't be in the same position for more than 5 years. It is quite ironic to have such work around of the rule of term on the world, but it shows the ineffectiveness of the rule for someone who already has the absolute power. Alternatively, the supervision of medias and the system of separation of three powers actually work better and more effectively to limit the generation and abuse of absolute power.

In summary, a five-year term does not effectively help to limit the abuse of power. Instead, it limits the growth of leaders and further impede the success of companies or countries.

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地板

发表于 2015-3-19 20:45:54 |只看该作者

Inspired by the example of George Washington, someone claims that no matter which kind of fields they are in, people in charge should resign after five years. And I think it is to reach the conclusion without considering the different circumstance. So I would like to discuss the issue in different backgrounds，the phase when it is poorly functioned and the phases when it is effective. Besides, whether to implement such policy should also consider the cost within the process.

The regular change can be beneficial when the authority fails to perform well. 政界的腐败问题以及不思进取问题。换届可以注入新鲜能量，提高效率等。

However when the government or the corporate already perform well, changing leaders may hamper its progress.公司运营中的human resource risk loss of key person会影响到公司的发展，如乔布斯的去世对苹果估价的影响。

In addition , whether to change or not should take the cost into account.对于政府换届大量的人员，以及上届政府的政策是否能够继续执行等问题。

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天蝎ATPX-4869
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5楼

发表于 2015-3-20 09:31:41 |只看该作者

老师好！我4月考G，这是第三篇习作，第一次用寄托的作文互动论坛，不是太清楚规则，看到老师点评的文章题目就是我昨天刚写的，就贴了过来，想让老师帮忙看下作文，非常感谢！

In any profession—business, politics, education, government—those in power should step down after five years. The surest path to success for any enterprise is revitalization through new leadership.

The last decade has witnessed the rapid development of diverse fields such as business, politics, education, government and science all around the world. As more and more people devote themselves in pursuing the success in those fields, the question whether those in power should retire after five years has become a heated topic. I, to a great extent, agree that revitalization through new leadership is an effective method to success in enterprises. Nevertheless, we needn’t change our leaders too often.

The chief reason I vote for the resurrecting through supervisor is that we should infuse some new blood into the leadership. As far as I know, American people elect their president every four years and the Congress should renew its senators every two years according to the constriction. In Chinese, we select our chairman every five years. All of these can avoid the rigidness in the government. If a person is instated for a long time, he will probably not come out effective idea and become conservative. When the global situation changes its pattern every day, a country with a lethargy authority may lag behind. Thus substituting other people for them is extremely important.
换leader能够增加新鲜血液，否则可能导致高层思路僵化，举了美国换总统和中国换领导人的例子

However, the speaker’s assertion is troubling in two other respects as well. Firstly, I concede revitalization is a good way to success but I won’t say it is the surest path, or the only method toward success. Almost every transnational enterprise is consisted of high-talented supervisors, excellent employees and a provident board. They work every day and night to propel the prosperity of their company. What I want to emphasize is that manager and executive officer do play an indispensable role in it. However, a successful company also needs the contribution of every people. Unilever, for example, pays more attention to the spirit of the company. If a company with sluggish workers, no matter how often it changes its leaders, it will not prosper.
一个成功的机构需要大家共同努力，如果一个机构的本身有很多缺陷，再换leader也没用

Secondly, sometimes supplanting incumbent leaders can be a bad idea, especially when an organization is attempting some new things. Can you image a new-established country changing its president every five years? A leader has proposed a new medical care, the congress has voted for it. At the beginning, the program is working very well and citizens are waiting for their leader’ s next strategies, but unfortunately, his five-year is over. The president steps down before his other novelty ideas have become into practice. After that, a new leader comes into office; he must spend some time to accommodate his work. Perhaps before he does something for his people, his five-year is over again. So you can see that frequently changing high-level people may cause unexpected consequences.
有些机构正在执行某个计划时不适合换领导，计划还没起效，领导就换走了，新任领导可能需要时间适应，这样对机构运转不利

In sum, I hold the view that we can’t oversimplify the issue. Novices are requited but we can’t change the leaders every five years mindlessly. Some government should change them in two years, while others should stay in offices for ten years. Different organizations should establish diversity institution due to their own conditions.

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tesolchina
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6楼

发表于 2015-3-21 08:27:02 |只看该作者

天蝎ATPX-4869 发表于 2015-3-20 09:31
老师好！我4月考G，这是第三篇习作，第一次用寄托的作文互动论坛，不是太清楚规则，看到老师点评的文章题目 ...

谢谢你贴出的习作
由于你没贴写作指引很难仔细点评不知道你写的时候有没有留意写作指引
这是一个经常遇到的问题

然后你的一些表达英语是母语的老师未必能看懂
比如
I vote for the resurrecting
according to the constriction
In Chinese
All of these can avoid the rigidness

你写文章的时候估计还是凭自己的感觉写
没有考虑一句话的表达之前有没有见过

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天蝎ATPX-4869
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7楼

发表于 2015-3-21 15:54:40 |只看该作者

本帖最后由天蝎ATPX-4869 于 2015-3-21 15:58 编辑

tesolchina 发表于 2015-3-21 08:27
谢谢你贴出的习作
由于你没贴写作指引很难仔细点评不知道你写的时候有没有留意写作指引
这是一个经常 ...

老师好，感谢你的回复！

issue 8写作指引是Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.因为受李建林5.5的影响，他说正反两方面可以适用于任何写作指引，所以之前习作时一直没有很关注。今后我会留意。

关于表达方法有问题是因为我自己的那份详细提纲都是中文，一下子转换成英语会出现不规范，自从去年考完托福就没动笔写过作文所以一下子很多表达方式句型都忘了。争取多看范文学人家的表达。自己居然把 in China 写成了 in Chinsese, 把constitution拼成了constriction。。。

想让老师点评下我的论证和基本框架有问题没有？之前考托福时被指出逻辑有问题，每次写都尽量小心。

再次感谢老师！

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tesolchina
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8楼

发表于 2015-3-21 17:49:14 |只看该作者

天蝎ATPX-4869 发表于 2015-3-21 15:54
老师好，感谢你的回复！

issue 8写作指引是Write a response in which you discuss the extent to w ...

题目要求你讨论是否同意reason和claim 你在中间段没有明确的回应这两点显然是有问题的

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9楼

发表于 2015-3-21 21:38:02 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2015-3-21 17:49
题目要求你讨论是否同意reason和claim 你在中间段没有明确的回应这两点显然是有问题的

老师的意思是不是指在第二段末尾重申类似第一段的那句 I, to a great extent, agree that revitalization through new leadership is an effective method to success in enterprises. 和在第三，四段末尾重申类似第一段的那句Nevertheless, we needn’t change our leaders too often.？

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