0910G 同主题写作第七期 Argument101 NLT小组 By fortuneClaire

fortuneClaireUID: 2649935

TOPIC: ARGUMENT101 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a company that makes breakfast cereals.
"In a recent study, subjects who ate soybeans at least five times per week had significantly lower cholesterol levels than subjects who ate no soy products. By fortifying our Wheat-O cereal with soy protein, we can increase sales by appealing to additional consumers who are concerned about their health. This new version of Wheat-O should increase company profits and, at the same time, improve the health of our customers."
WORDS: 469 TIME: 01:00:00 DATE: 2009/6/24 19:07:34
In this memo the president recommends that in order to increase their Wheat-O cereal sales and company profits they should fortify soy protein into Wheat-O cereals. To support this recommendation the president cites a study, which shows subjects who ate soybeans at least five times per week had lower cholesterol levels than subjects who did not. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unconvincing as it stands.
First of all, the president's conclusion that the company profits will increase by fortifying the Whear-O cereal with soy protein, which is based on the assumption that the study is reliable. Yet, it fails to assure me that the study reflects the true situation among the people whose cholesterol levels are lower. Without the accurate statistics, the condition of the subjects and the researcher, it is hasty to draw any conclusions about the effects of the soy protein from the study. Even assuming the study is reliable and soy protein can lower cholesterol levels, it is nevertheless unfair to infer that subjects who had lower cholesterol benefitted from eating soybeans. Perhapas they had better physical condition that other subjects, or they had healthier life habits than others. Moreover, you can never be too sure to say low cholesterol levels are good. Because it affects the metabolism if not on a proper level. Thus the author's assumption that soy protein lowers cholesterol level is untenable.
Second of all, the author can not convince me that by fortifying Wheat-O cereal with soy protein would certainly improve sales. The author ignores many possible reasons of different aspects. Perhaps other companies have the products of better taste, which this company does not have. And maybe the customers are not even realize the good of soy protein, or they are young men who do not care about the nutrition. Without ruling out all the possible explantions, the author can not assure me that the sales would increase and the customers would be appealled.
Finally, even if we accept that the sales would increase, the company profits would also increase. The argument ingores other possible reasons which would also decide the profits. For instance, the markets, the costs, the econmic enviornment. Without ruling all these possiblities, the author can justifiably conclude that the company profits would increase.
In conclusion, the recommendation for fortifying soy protein in Wheat-O cereals is not well supported as it stands. To convince me that the soy protein should be added to enhance the sales, the author must provide more evidence, such like clear and reliable statistics and study. To better valuate the recommendation, I would need more inforamtion about the all sided effects of soy protein, the consumer behavior of coustomes who are concerned about their health, the current markets, the competitors, the national policy and the economy.

fortuneClaireUID: 2649935

Topic: Issue 201
The chief benefit of the study of history is to break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history.”

Word: 726

The history of mankind dates back to millions of years ago, in which period all things were changing. The advent of new things, and the fadeaway of old things make each period different from another with its own traits. It is for sure that people in different period of time are different from those in another time, but it differs in the apperance, manners, customs, dress and habits, not in the essential aspects, such like human natrue, the law of society development. In that way, history does break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history.

Admittedly, with the development of economy and society, human beings have been keeping gradually to move into a higher level, regardless of the evolution, in both physical and intellectual respects. And the political and economic diversity across different periods of time shape markedly different individuals in terms of cultural norms, values and thoughts. But auctually there is a way to find out what behind these human behavior and the inner of human being, that is why we learn history, to find out the law of society and the essence of human being. The inner of human being is similar and is transmitted from our ancestors. Such like honesty, loyalty, integrity, humility, bravery and lofty... It is these quailities of human being that make mankind magrate from Africa to Eurasia to North America to South America. Over the long history people not only survived, but also created and developed the briliant culture. Some of the accient civilization we even can not understand in nowadays. For example Maya civilization and the accient Egypt civilization. On the other hand, the desires, fears, motives, and the short- comings remain constant over periods of time. We are experiencing the effects of insatiable lust for power, which is still going on in this contemporary world. The Pharoah of accient Egypt had people build Pyramids, Emperor of Qing dynasty had people build the Great Wall and numerous of palaces. Crime and violence have troubled almost every society and punishment for all these ills have hardly affect the criminals.

One of the benefits of history is to eliminate the illusions that people in different periods of time are significantly different. However, there is several other benefits. One reason we learn history, which is also the basic motive, is that calling from every individual’s chest keeps asking ourseleves: where we are from and where we are going. History can help us find the answer and help indentify us. History concludes how families, groups and counties are formed, which arouse our culture sense of belonging. That is unquestionaly one of the reasons all morden nations encourage their history education. Some of the nations use the history so much that almost abuse it. For individuals, through history the family identity and group identity is established and confirmed.
Furthermore, history teaches people lessons, through which we can see where we went wrong and how we can succeed. The wisdom of our ancestors lead to the brightness of our life, we heritage it and develop it. One example is Master Sun’s Art of War inspires us not only in war, but also in politics, economy, philosophy and our daily life. One famous term is “to subdue the enemy without fighting”. It spreads so wide that it well used in business by merchantmen.
In addition, the interpretation of history shows a magnificent width of span, which brings out human being’s perception of negligibility. All the tiny trivial things pale in front of the vasteness of history. If you are poverty-stricken, Lincoln will tell you how did he live through the poverty, get the support of underclass and win the position of president. Numerous heros examples may turn your attitude of life, the perception of happiness, success, content, self-improvement, whatever you want you can always find in the river of history.
In sum, the study of history reminds us that all human beings are essentially the same; a concept that helps us see past superficial differences and urges us to be more tolerant of minority groups and dissident opinions. However, history can accomplish so much more by heightening our awareness of heritage, helping us formulate reflective values and ideals, emphasizing modern conveniences and freedom, and pointing out mistakes to avoid.

gaofei323UID: 2588256

In this memo the president recommends that in order to increase their Wheat-O cereal sales and company profits they should fortify soy protein into Wheat-O cereals. To support this recommendation the president cites a study, which shows subjects who ate soybeans at least five times per week had lower cholesterol levels than subjects who did not. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unconvincing as it stands. (开头很漂亮，作者观点—论据—我的观点，非常清晰！)

First of all, the president's conclusion that the company profits will increase by fortifying the Whear-O cereal with soy protein, which is based on the assumption that the study is reliable.（这段你要攻击的是study—>decrease C吧，那么在中心句就不要把fortify production with soy—>profit这条线加入，这样会显得更清晰，因为你这里并没有反驳第二条线） Yet, it fails to assure me that the study reflects the true situation among the people whose cholesterol levels are lower. Without the accurate statistics, the condition of the subjects and the researcher, it is hasty to draw any conclusions about the effects of the soy protein from the study. Even assuming the study is reliable and soy protein can lower cholesterol levels（不应该这样假设，因为你就是要反驳这里，如果说study（soy—>decrease cholesterol）是对的，调查的结论也必然是对的，下面这句话就自相矛盾了。当你在反驳由这条逻辑为基础的下一条逻辑时，再假设）, it is nevertheless unfair to infer that subjects who had lower cholesterol benefited from eating soybeans. Perhaps they had better physical condition that other subjects, or they had healthier life habits than others. Moreover, you can never be too sure to say low cholesterol levels are good, because it would affects the metabolism if not on a proper level. Thus the author's assumption that soy protein lowers cholesterol level is untenable. （这个结尾句只说了soy不能降低cholesterol，但是你的到数第二句是降低C不能说是健康，所以结尾句没有概括全段，段首句也一样。所以要么删除第二句，要么修改中心句。）

(这里需要一个让步假设吧)Second of all, the author can not convince me that by fortifying Wheat-O cereal with soy protein would certainly improve sales. The author ignores many possible reasons of different aspects. Perhaps other companies have the products of better taste, which this company does not have. And maybe the customers are not even realize the good of soy protein, or they are young men who do not care about the nutrition. Without ruling out all the possible explanations, the author can not assure me that the sales would increase and the customers would be appealed.


Finally, even if we accept that the sales would increase, the company profits would also increase. The argument ignores other possible reasons which would also decide the profits. For instance, the markets, the costs, the econmic enviornment.（FI后面必须加句子的） Without ruling all these possibilities, the author can not justifiably conclude that the company profits would increase.(感觉反驳有点单薄)


In conclusion, the recommendation for fortifying soy protein in Wheat-O cereals is not well supported as it stands. To convince me that the soy protein should be added to enhance the sales, the author must provide more evidence, such like clear and reliable statistics and study. To better valuate the recommendation, I would need more information about the all sided effects of soy protein（需要all side吗？不用吧 只要能证明decrease C就好了吧）, the consumer behavior of customs who are concerned about their health, the current markets, the competitors, the national policy and the economy.（结尾也不错哦）

按照评分规则：4+5+5+4+6 平均5分
对整体的逻辑链需要更加清楚，在攻击的时候应该更有力度，尤其在第三段看，语言上感觉模板痕迹，（不知道是不是。。呵呵）拼写。。这个以后请提前修改，结构很好，开头结尾都写的比较精彩。

gaofei323UID: 2588256

Topic: Issue 201
The chief benefit of the study of history is to break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history.”

Word: 726

The history of mankind dates back to millions of years ago, in which period all things were changing. The advent of new things, and the fadeaway of old things make each period different from another with its own traits. It is for sure that people in different period of time are different from those in another time, but it differs in the apperance, manners, customs, dress and habits, not in the essential aspects, such like human natrue, the law of society development. In that way, history does break down the illusion that people in one period of time are significantly different from people who lived at any other time in history.

Admittedly, with the development of economy and society, human beings have been keeping gradually to move into a higher level, regardless of the evolution, in both physical and intellectual respects. And the political and economic diversity across different periods of time shape markedly different individuals in terms of cultural norms, values and thoughts. But auctually there is a way to find out what behind these human behavior and the inner of human being, that is why we learn history, to find out the law of society and the essence of human being. The inner of human being is similar and is transmitted from our ancestors. Such like honesty, loyalty, integrity, humility, bravery and lofty... It is these quailities of human being that make mankind magrate from Africa to Eurasia to North America to South America.(这个举例感觉不太好，你想说人类凭借这些品质穿过了5大洲7大洋吗？有关系么？有，是因为这样的探险充满了危险与挑战么？那其实应该直接一点，说人们用依靠品质克服了危险挑战，要再进一层，再说比如征服了大洲大洋。。举例子不要隔着一层意思，说最直接最贴切的，不知道明白么？还有一点，这个例子说明了认的内心品质很厉害，但是跟不同时期的人一样这个观点的关系呢？)
（这里分段吧，有点长了） Over the long history people not only survived, but also created and developed the briliant culture. Some of the accient civilization we even can not understand nowadays. For example Maya civilization and the accient Egypt civilization. （一样，FP后要跟句子）（你的观点应该是人不论任何时期，其实内在品质是一样的吧，那么跟在历史过程中建立了文化说关系么？如果要说，也要说成古人建立了文化，我们现在也建立了文化，所以我们是一样的。）On the other hand, the desires, fears, motives, and the short- comings remain constant over periods of time. We are experiencing the effects of insatiable lust for power, which is still going on in this contemporary world. （这里就很好，两个一对比，看，是一样的！）The Pharoah of accient Egypt had people build Pyramids, Emperor of Qing dynasty had people build the Great Wall and numerous of palaces. Crime and violence have troubled almost every society and punishment for all these ills have hardly affect the criminals. （这两个例子感觉也不太好，你说了古代人要权利，没说现代也要啊，没能支持观点。第二个例子好一点，但是很笼统。）

One of the benefits of history is to eliminate the illusions that people in different periods of time are significantly different. However(这里不是转折吧。。additionally), there is several other benefits. One reason we learn history, which is also the basic motive,（直接说one basic motive why we learned history ）
is that calling from every individual’s chest keeps asking ourseleves: where we are from and where we are going. History can help us find the answer and help indentify us. History concludes how families, groups and counties are formed, which arouse our culture sense of belonging. That is unquestionaly one of the reasons all morden nations encourage their history education. Some of the nations use the history so much that almost abuse it. For individuals, through history the family identity and group identity is established and confirmed.

Furthermore, history teaches people lessons, through which we can see where we went wrong and how we can succeed. The wisdom of our ancestors lead to the brightness of our life, we heritage it and develop it. One example is Master Sun’s Art of War inspires us not only in war, but also in politics, economy, philosophy and our daily life. One famous term is “to subdue the enemy without fighting”. It spreads so wide that it well used in business by merchantmen.

In addition, the interpretation of history shows a magnificent width of span, which brings out human being’s perception of negligibility. All the tiny trivial things pale in front of the vasteness of history. If you are poverty-stricken, Lincoln will tell you how did he live through the poverty, get the support of underclass and win the position of president. Numerous heros examples may turn your attitude of life, the perception of happiness, success, content, self-improvement, whatever you want you can always find in the river of history. （历史很长，所以让我们感觉自己渺小。是这个意思么？那和林肯教你怎么战胜贫穷的逻辑在？如果说是历史很庞大，让我们可以学到几乎所有东西，那么我觉得这个观点句不太好。或者说你中间又加了一层逻辑。历史庞大—>可以教给我们很多，而我们知道的很少—>我们很渺小。中间是可以不写，但是这里，省掉的确是你的中心思想，所以，不能省！而我们很渺小这一层，甚至是不需要的。）
In sum, the study of history reminds us that all human beings are essentially the same; a concept helps us see past superficial differences and urges us to be more tolerant of minority groups and dissident opinions. However, history can accomplish so much more by heightening our awareness of heritage, helping us formulate reflective values and ideals, emphasizing modern conveniences and freedom, and pointing out mistakes to avoid. 结尾很不错，很多好词！

6+4+5+5+5=5分
在文章开头，我看到你的观点是，历史的作用的确是消除假象，但是在后文我看大篇幅的历史另外的作用（one of the benefits。。。那段开始），但在文章首段只字未提，所以你的首段并没有概括住全文，甚至没有把握中心细想。

首先看到这700多字，相当震撼，幻想什么时候也能写出这种档次的东西~呵呵，改你的文章，用的时间跟写自己一篇文章居然都差不多 呵呵 建议上面都说过了，优点也要提，文章总体思想很棒，用词也很有境界，有很多值得学习的东西~