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0910AW 同主题写作第十三期 Argument7 by Rufusgw [复制链接]

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发表于 2009-7-30 18:05:28 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
本帖最后由 Rufusgw 于 2009-7-30 18:07 编辑

先大致说说行文的提纲吧
其实这篇文章漏洞很多(我找了一大堆出来),不过由于时间的限制,我就挑了三个依次递进地讲。
1段: 总结editor的报道(怎么看着这观点就像是在拉票一样),并指出他的报道值得质疑(这段是例行公事……)。
2段 C市的环境是否确实有遭到严重污染?报告中只提到空气污染的情况,而评价一个城市的环境治理与污染的标准显然不止这一项,还应该包括水污染、固体垃圾污染、噪音污染等及其相关治理现状(工厂数量翻倍这条经过权衡后没写)。另外该市这些年间患呼吸道疾病的人数加倍这一条也不足以证明污染(空气污染)加重,因为各种呼吸道疾病可以由许多因素(药物或化妆品过敏、年龄、遗传、生活习惯等等,文里只列了两条)引起。因此对于具体的污染情况需要进一步考证(其实现在我觉得应该把呼吸道病人和各种污染情况两内容的顺序作一调换)。
3段 即使C市这几年的污染的确加重,是否就应该把责任都推到Frank Braun身上?虽说B是前任市政府成员,但他也不一定就应该对污染主要负责,因为报道中没讲他的具体职位,很可能的情况是其职位与权力的限制使得他难以左右污染治理与环保相关的议案。
4段 即使B确实应该负责,那么,把Ann Green视作拯救城市环境的救星合适吗?虽然G(我老写的Mr Green,现在看这个first name感觉应该是Ms Green)是某个环保协会的会员,然而他(她)可能对环保活动与项目并不感兴趣,而只是将这个会员资格当作谋求一己私利的手段而已。
5段 例行公事,总结。
下面是英文版(比较简单)

1 Only the increasing pollution of air does not sufficiently demonstrate that the environment was getting worse. And the increase of respiratory illnesses may be resulted from alternative factors like personal habits life styles or the abuse of certain drugs during the past years.


2 Should Frank Braun be blamed for all those deteriorating air pollution? What’ his position in the former town council? Mayor? Or another position which had little right to determine city’s events concerning environment?



3 Will Ann Green be the credible mayor to take effective measures upon the current environmental pollution?



下面是正文


The Cleaview’s editor accentuate Ann Green be merited of citizens’ vote in election for mayor instead of Frank Braun, and cursorily introduced their backgrounds, the situation of air pollution in this city and the ever-increasing patients who got respiratory diseases. However, it is suspectable whether his statement will convince citizens for it didn’t bring home some major points about several aspects related to this event.


Considering the above reason for electing Mr Green, to uncover some less logical presumption and inference in it seems unavoidable. Should we verdict that Cleaview is suffering from more pollution only because of increasingly polluted air? The editor doesn’t mention other aspects like water pollution , substantial pollution and noise,which leads his conclusion less convictive before he take the producing and eliminating of most of contaminant into consideration.


By the way, it is not reliable to judge that their city is experiencing terrible air pollution only on the data of patients who got respiratory illnesses during the past years, for such diseases would also be aroused by other matters like unhealthy life style and the aging of city’s demographic. Maybe most of their citizens who had troubles with their respiratory system were fond of smoking during these years. Hence, the editor ought to recount in detail about the environment change and how it affected citizens’ life to testify the occuring of serious pollution during the past years.


Suppose that the claim of aggravating environmental pollution is true, the editor still needs to provide more evidence before criticizing Mr Braun. Should he be blamed for the worse environment conditions in Clearview? Although Mr Braun was a member of former town council, it is neglected that his position and influence may be weak in discussing events and determining bills for environment-protection. How could we expect a member of town council, if he is not on the vital post , thus may had only limited power and humble authority, to handle all this troubles by himself? For that case, objection toward Mr Braun might be nothing except creating a fell guy and would hardly be a advisable solution


Moreover, it is not valid enough, according only to this short report ,to select Mr Green for the sake of saving their life condition even if it was Mr Braun who should pay for current problem. A lot of people must have joined Good Earth Coalition like Ann Green, but they may not all be concerned and enthusiastic about preserving and protecting environment. It is as least likely that Ann Green may have no interest in dealing with events about pollution at all, but take the membership of such environment protection community beneficial to achieve his reputation or power, like the mayor of Clearview. If people like this won citizens’ trust and were successfully chosen, their decreasing environmental quality could less likely to be reversed.


It should be safely concluded that editor’s suggestion is far from being accurate and persuasive for all above possibilities. If editor attempt to make others believe that citizens of Clearview is facing a troublesome environmental issue , and Ann Green is worth their trust support in election in order to ameliorate such degradation, he would better list more concrete details and evidences about the overall environmental condition and the two electors’ position with experience concerning environment preservation.


不管是gre还是gfw,统统杀无赦!
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GRE斩浪之魂 AW活动特殊奖 GRE梦想之帆

沙发
发表于 2009-7-30 19:53:58 |只看该作者
The Cleaview’s editor accentuate Ann Green be merited of citizens’ vote in election for mayor instead of Frank Braun, and cursorily introduced their backgrounds, the situation of air pollution in this city and the ever-increasing patients who got respiratory diseases. However, it is suspectable whether his statement will convince citizens for it didn’t bring home some major points about several aspects related to this event. (很赞你前面的那句话,至于后面的一句,我觉得如果可以点出文章具体有什么错的话会更好些)

Considering the above reason for electing Mr Green, to uncover some less logical presumption and inference in it seems unavoidable. (我不是很理解这句话~)Should we verdict that Cleaview is suffering from more pollution only because of increasingly polluted air? The editor doesn’t mention other aspects like water pollution , substantial pollution and noise, (这里我觉得要详细点,不是说举出来就可以了,还要加上自己的分析)which leads his conclusion less convictive before he take the producing and eliminating of most of contaminant into consideration.

By the way, it is not reliable to judge that their city is experiencing terrible air pollution only on the data of patients who got respiratory illnesses during the past years, for such diseases would also be aroused by other matters like unhealthy life style and the aging of city’s demographic. Maybe most of their citizens who had troubles with their respiratory system were fond of smoking during these years. Hence, the editor ought to recount in detail about the environment change and how it affected citizens’ life to testify the occuring of serious pollution during the past years.(这一段我觉得比上段好)

Suppose that the claim of aggravating environmental pollution is true, the editor still needs to provide more evidence before criticizing Mr Braun. Should he be blamed for the worse environment conditions in Clearview? Although Mr Braun was a member of former town council, it is neglected that his position and influence may be weak in discussing events and determining bills for environment-protection. How could we expect a member of town council, if he is not on the vital post , thus may had only limited power and humble authority, to handle all this troubles by himself? (这个问句,handle all these troubles by himself 表达不是很好, 应该不是他handle 吧,可能说责怪他要好一些)For that case, objection toward Mr Braun might be nothing except creating a fell guy(a fell guy?) and would hardly be a advisable solution

Moreover, it is not valid enough, according only to this short report ,to select Mr Green for the sake of saving their life condition even if it was Mr Braun who should pay for current problem. A lot of people must have joined Good Earth Coalition like Ann Green, but they may not all be concerned and enthusiastic about preserving and protecting environment. It is as least likely that Ann Green may have no interest in dealing with events about pollution at all(at least 用的不是很好), but take (joining )the membership of such environment protection community (would be )beneficial to achieve his reputation or power, (这个他因我觉得找的不是很好, 这样带有很强的人身攻击的味道)like the mayor of Clearview. If people like this won citizens’ trust and were successfully chosen, their decreasing environmental quality could less likely to be reversed.

It should be safely concluded that editor’s suggestion is far from being accurate and persuasive for all above possibilities. If editor attempt to make others believe that citizens of Clearview is facing a troublesome environmental issue , and Ann Green is worth their trust support in election in order to ameliorate such degradation, he would better list more concrete details and evidences about the overall environmental condition and the two electors’ position with experience concerning environment preservation.
LZ很认真,向楼主学习!!!
我觉得lz后面的比前面的一二段要好一些,呵呵,可能后面写上手了吧,前面写的有些简略,没有展开。至于后面倒数第二段还是多注意一下吧,其他的就没有什么了,表达啊什么的,多注意一下就好。(汗,我自己也是这样的)
以上纯属个人意见   如有雷同   纯属巧合
选择的接受吧  说的不对的地方请见谅

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板凳
发表于 2009-7-30 20:50:20 |只看该作者
2# wobaobao519 第二段第一句确实有些晦涩,我把句式改一下可能要好些,比如It seems unavoidable that others would uncover some illogical presumption in the report(其实表达有些过分委婉了)
倒数第二段那处的设想,也就是说意思点到为止就行了?
那个handle我是想说他一人无力摆平这件事……LS觉得如何表达更好呢?
不管是gre还是gfw,统统杀无赦!

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GRE斩浪之魂 AW活动特殊奖 GRE梦想之帆

地板
发表于 2009-7-31 01:17:45 |只看该作者
呵呵   对于倒数第二段,你说的意思是他是因为别有居心才进了这个组织,可能是为了这次的选举,让我觉得有些人身攻击的味道,可能也和看了草木的一个贴子有关系https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=987991&highlight=你看看(我找了好久,55555)
Although Mr Braun was a member of former town council, it is neglected that his position and influence may be weak in discussing events and determining bills for environment-protection. How could we expect a member of town council, if he is not on the vital post , thus may had only limited power and humble authority, to handle all this troubles by himself?
我觉得这里如果说他的地位啊什么最后要回到我们不能怪他, 因为他也是had only limited power and humble authority 而不仅仅是说他自己一个人不能掌握~~
加油加油  一起加油!!!!

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RE: 0910AW 同主题写作第十三期 Argument7 by Rufusgw [修改]

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0910AW 同主题写作第十三期 Argument7 by Rufusgw
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