Issue 62 联系帖 还有几天考试 求大神批改

tesolchinaUID：2191404

In some circumstances, leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them just like what the issue puts, like the leaders in governments and schools. However, there are others causes that equally defines what is a leader; take corporations as an example and so on.
仅仅看你的主旨句就出现了自相矛盾的情况
要避免这种情况你需要具体指出在什么情况下leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them  

然后这个主题句What's more, for the preservation and continuation of our system of knowledge, schools are created.
leader去哪儿了   主题句都偏题了  这段不就废了么

tesolchinaUID：2191404

毉易-牧羊人 发表于 2015-6-28 23:32
恩恩，谢谢王老师的点评，写第二个论点的时候，偏到教育上去了，后来才发现竟然没有leader，应改 ...

你改了主题句 后面的内容也得重写啊
关键问题还是你如何解决自相矛盾呢
你可以去看看我写的这篇 以及其他同学的练习