Fighting的作文本本

mpromanusUID：2565872

1# zhangwen08

这位童鞋你没有说你求改哪一篇啊。。我就给你改第一篇了。。=.=

Do you admire a person who can speak two languages or more languages well? I bet never will you say no. As for me, I am just only good at my native language – Chinese. Though I started learning English from the time when I entered the high school, I still cannot manage this language very well. I always think it's the reason is that I started to learn English so late. If I have a child, I will let him/her to begin learning English as early as possible. Therefore, I strongly support the idea that children learn a foreign language when entering the primary schools. Because the earlier the better, and the earlier the less pressure in the future.

The most significant reason is that the earlier one learns a foreign language, the faster he manages the language. It has been proved that when learning a foreign language, children can learn more quickly than adults. If you send a 5 to 6 year-old child to America or England (This two countries are called 'the United States' and 'the United Kingdom' respectively. It's still okay to refer to the US as 'America', but it's now often considered 'politically incorrect' to refer to the UK as 'England'. Use 'Britain' instead.) for one month, he will return back with a fluent English (Personal comment: I'm not too sure about this..without proper teachers or instructions, children simply imitate what they hear, and there's no guarantee that they'll learn to produce proper languages that way.). But it will probably take three months or more to arrive at the same level for a graduate student. Not to mention an adult (By the time you become a 'graduate student', you're likely already an 'adult'. My point is that I don't see why you need to separate 'graduate student's from 'adult's.). Most of my college classmates who have been abroad tell me that the first three months are too hard to experience. One of my phisophy?? teachers – Mr. Li once told us a story. When he and his colleagues went to study English in Beijing in 2005, one of them brought his 4 year-old child. During the day, they had classes and the child was in a guard? (I think you were trying to say 'nursery'.) where there were almost all foreign children. A Few weeks later, they discovered the one who learned English the best was the child! (I wonder how they judged his English to be 'the best'. If you're talking about pronounciations, I'd totally agree that this is possible, but I bet this kid doesn't know what 'macroeconomics' or 'GDP' means.) He spoke English much better than anyone else. (There. You were only talking about spoken English, therefore your example only proved that the earlier you start mingling with native speakers, the better your spoken foreign language would be. That's hardly the same as 'the earlier, the better'.) Therefore, the earlier, the better.

Furthermore, the pressure work? (You seem to be referring to 'pressure' of something, but what?) will reduce greatly in the future if children begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. Chinese students always have a lot of homework to do and the homework increases with the grade. So if a student has learned English well in his primary school, he will not stress so much after entering the middle school. I have mentioned before that. When I was a middle school student, I started to learn English. (I thought that was in 'high school'.) English always made me feel headache. Every sememter, I should was required to attend 8 courses expect English???. How can I focus on learning this foreign language? I won't be in sucy a dilemma if I learned English as soon as I started school. (Personal comment: I think that's only true provided you've learned it well earlier. If you're always bad at it, I don't think starting earlier would be of much help. You'll still need to spend much time struggling with it no matter how old you are.) Then, the earlier the less pressure.

In conclusion, children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. For the earlier the better and the earlier the less pressure ('Less pressure' in future, I assume?). In fact, most schools in China have opened English courses for the pupils in grade one. (And what are you trying to prove with this? This kind of details should never be in your conclusion. It belongs to the middle section of the essay where you give examples and explain your points.)

总结：

你的句感和句式变化非常好，但是单词/表达方式的使用很诡异，有些美式的口语化倾向。。说理方面我个人觉得按照托福的要求是可以的，但是按照我习惯的要求是不够严谨的，至于哪些不够严谨的细节都在文章中指出了。。整体来说就是首先要注意一下表达。至于论述的方面可以作为进阶的高级要求来练习。

mpromanusUID：2565872

3# zhangwen08

这位童鞋不好意思你第二次来求改的时候我忘记你已经在同一周内求过一次了。。规则是每周每人限求1篇，所以以后请避免同一周内重复占楼，谢谢理解~鞠躬~

Are you a responsible person in finance? If you answer yes, were you taught how to manage money at an early age? I doubt most people were not, so was (So, were you taught how to manage money, or not? If yes, then you shouldn't have used 'so'; if not, then you should've used 'either wasn't I'.) I. It’s no denying that a child who is trained to manage money may grow to be a financially responsible adult. However, on the opposite, it’s unnecessary to learn money management in purpose at an early age in order to turn to be an economically responsible person. (So, what's YOUR opinion? You've listed both the 'for' and 'against' views, but I don't quite see very clearly where you're standing at.)

What kinds of people you will be in the future is decided by your experience. Not all financially responsible adults were taught how to manage money in their early age. For example, my father, who was born in a very poor family. Not to mention managing money, seldom did he see a coin in his childhood. But he is still responsible in finance when he grows up. This is not the only example- a lot of people are of this kind. Earning money by themselves is so laborous, they are carefully dealing with the money. Therefore, a suitable environment will stimulate the occurance of the financially responsible people with no money management training. (Very good point.)

On the other side, the childhood is a period for playing and they do not really understand the interint? or the signifance of managing money. In my mind, it’s a waste of time to teach children to manage money. What are taught are no more than saving money in the bank for future use. I bet never will you say to your child to save money to buy a house or some sort of these realistic things. (This is absolutely not true. Ivanka Trump, the daughter of the New York real estate tycoon Donald Trump, got her first diamond at the age of 7. I bet she's definitely heard plenty about buying houses or some sort of those realistic things at that age.) However, these things are what a finnacially responsible adult will consider! In addtion, with time going by, children usually recognize the importance of owning a financial responsibility. (Now this is somewhat vague. Are you saying that since children will learn about financial responsibility in time, we don't need to coach them? This is almost like saying since you'll know you need to marry and start a family in time, you don't need education on sex and family planning.)

From what I have concerned? above, I don’t think that in order to becoming responsible in finance, people should be taught how to manage money at an early age. Actually, children even do not know the signifance. In addition, a suitable environment will be a better method.

总结：

你的语言方面没有什么问题，第一个论点也很好，但第二个论点。。如果我不厚道地说一句，感觉是完全的穷人思维。。=.= 好吧这不能构成我觉得第二个论点不够好的理由。所以我的理由是：这个论点没有例子。从论述严谨度的高阶要求来说，也太容易被反驳了。。如果以小孩子不会懂理财的重要性作为不必教导他们理财的原因，那推而论之，小孩子一开始都是什么都不懂的，那是不是什么都不要教他反正他长大了就慢慢什么都知道了好了？。。所以这种近乎于想当然而没有实例支持的论点站不住脚的。

关于表达方式：我说的你倾向于美式口语的表达是指I bet never will you say to your child to save money to buy a house or some sort of these realistic things.这类非常随意的用法。在正式写作中我个人建议尽量避免。

mpromanusUID：2565872

17# zhangwen08

Do you believe almost everyone in the world has seen an advertisement before? Oh, yes, (Again, as I've always said, this kind of expression is more common in spoken English and it might be considered too casual for written works.) we agree with this. Advertising spans every area in our planet. (This sounds like advertising is a physical thing.) By using different kinds of media, such as board? (Do you mean 'billboard'?), TV, the internet or special salesgirls, the advertisers transfer a lot of information. Meanwhile, it also tells us a lot about a country, especially about its economy and education.

From various advertisements, we can judge ('judge' often means to make a conclusion about the moral values of something. Neutral entities such as 'economic development' cannot be 'judged' in this sense. Another example: if you see a teenager wearing a punk outfit and says he's a punk, this is called a 'conclusion'; but if you see a teenager wearing a punk outfit and says he must be a rebellious bad boy, then this is called a 'judgement'. In the case of your writing, I would suggest the word 'measure'.) the economic development of a country. None of countries never sale their own products? (This usage is a very typical phenomenon in African American English, aka 'Black English', called 'negative concord', where all negatable forms are negated if the sentence is expressing a negative idea. Please understand that not all English-speaking people use Standard English, and this kind of expression is definitely not Standard Engish. This is also why I keep saying that your expressions sometimes are too casual for written essays.). More often, the advertisements are a display of domestic products. For example, there must be a lot of advertisements about cars in a developed country like American ('America' can refer to both North and South America. It's not a country in itself. The country is called the United States.). However, much less fewer similar advertisements can be seen in a poor country like Iraq. What’s more, the level of people’s life is close to the country’s economy. Not to mention a car, the people in some districts? even cannot afford to buy a mobile phone. So the advertisements are fewer as well. But in American, a car is a necessary object of the daily life.

Furthermore, the education of a country can be manifested in the advertisement (A very weird expression. After I've read this paragraph though, I think your topic sentence should be something like 'advertisements can be educational and embody social values of a country'.). In China, advertising means “to let all know”. In this sense, not only does the advertisement sale promotes products, but it includes the ones of public benefit? (公益广告 doesn't translate like this. They are more often called 'public service announcements'.) as well. I clearly remember an advertisement of public benefit which was I watched on TV several years ago. When feeling his mother was very tired after work, a three or four year-old boy automatically (This word has a sense of acting 'unconciously', as if controlled by a machine. I doubt this would be the idea you want to get across. In your example's context, the word is more likely to be 'voluntarily'.) took a bowl of warm water and helped wash her mother’s foots feet (=.= Be alert of such errors. They are considered fundamental and lethal.). What a shocking ('shock' is more negative than positive..so you should pick a more positive word like 'heart-warming'.) scene! It indicates that we should always take care of our parents. Even such a young child will do this, why don’t you? In addition, some advertisements appeal us to love the environment, to help others in great need and so on. (Yes, this is all good, but what does this tell you about a 'country'? The question is not asking about the benefits of advertisements.)

From what I have concerned discussed above, watching advertisements is nearly the same as learning about a country, especially about its economy and education. Besides, cultures, customs, technologies and even politics will also be shown through advertising. You see (Again, a very casual and intimate expression in spoken English..perhaps too intimate.), the patterns of advertising change hugely in different countries and each has its own feature.

总结：

这位童鞋你的用词要注意一下。。你有很多很好的想法但是你对词汇的选择很多时候会失当，表达方面会使用口语化的或者不标准的用法，所以经常造成表达出来的意思很奇怪。

论述上依然存在的问题就是第一个论点很好，第二个论点就写偏了。随时要注意论证和题目的关系紧密。