【独立写作】Darren的作业贴

mpromanusUID：2565872

Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? Young people todays are more likely to help others than young people in the past.

Warm-hearted people are always popular in every period. However, I have to agree with the statement that the youth today perform worse than several decades ago.(The statement is that the youth today are MORE likely to help others than youth in the past. You're like, writing the complete opposite. Please READ your question IN WHOLE – not just a few words and think that you have seen it in some 题库 or 机经 then happily go with the version that you think is the question..)

To begin with, an increasing number of young people become selfish. Young people, especially who were born after 1990 are regarded as a group that only take care of themselves. In the past, altruism is a virtue that almost all young people admired. But now, with the development of economy, parents pay more attention to their children. They offer the best food and clothes, some even forbid their "honey" to do any housework. These make children take it for granted that they are the center of the world. As they grow up, they become selfish and unwilling to give a hand to others.

In addition, the complex society forced us to just finish our own things to protect ourselves from getting hurt. (I don't see why you must 'finish' things to avoid getting hurt.) No one can deny that our society is quite different from the past. It is more dangerous. We can get this conclusion from some pieces of news. In China, some people always pretend to be hurt in the public occasion. (1. I don't understand why they must 'always' pretend to be hurt; 2. It doesn't really make sense what 'be hurt in the public occasion' means. I know what you're trying to describe – 碰瓷 – but you could have just described it straight-forwardly without trying to generalize too much: some people pretend they were hit by cars or have fallen down and they could not get up on their own.) And if you help them, even just touch them, they may catch you and acclaim you should be responsible for their accident. All they want to do is ask you for money. Actually, sometimes it is not the youth that is too selfish; it is the dangerous and unreliable world that forces them to protect themselves.

Taking all these factors into account, it is apparent that young men and women nowadays were less likely to give others assistance. It is a great pity of our society. As a member of the young, I insist that we cannot give up such a virtue since helping each other is one of the factors that stimulate the society to move on. Let us say no to difference (I think you meant 'Indifference'..) and devote ourselves to a harmonious world.

总结：

语法表达神马的问题不大，请注意复句的句法，尤其是有形式主语的句子（It's the youth that..）里面从句的句法。。但是！题目按照你给的，是和你agree的东西完全相反的。。= = 好吧这个问题这几天在坛子上看到很多次，连考试的时候都能一看是机经还是题库里出现过的就很嗨皮地按自己记得的版本去写了，结果发现人家就是把题目换了一个词变成完全相反。。所说怎么强调审题都不为过啊。。= =

mpromanusUID：2565872

10.16

Which of the following three factors contributes to an enjoyable vacation most? A good food. B.good location. C good friends with you.

Among all these three significant factors, I think a good friend will play a crucial role in an unforgettable vacation.

      Admittedly, delicious food and a special location can bring us unique experience and joy. Take myself as example, just like most of the young, I regard eating the local food as one of the things that must be done in a strange place. As for the location, no one can deny that a suitable location can give you quite different feelings or help you relax yourself. However, when it comes to the most important factor during a vacation, I cannot agree more with the opinion that good friends should be taken into account firstly.

    To begin with, a friend who has a variety of knowledge can help you understand the food you eat and the interesting of places you visit. Such a friend can act as an inductor (I don't know where you got this word from but it now commonly means 'an electrical component, usually shaped like a coil, that introduces induction', rather than 'instructor'..) for you. I still remember when I visited mountain Huang, which is famous for its beautiful scenery and unique stones. I almost knew nothing about various stones. But my friend, who is good at this filed (Do you mean 'field'?) offered me lots of assistances. He explained how the mountain came into being and taught me how to clarify (You 'clarify' something obscure like doubts and questions, but you 'differentiate' or 'tell apart' physical things from one another.) different stones. It is not only the beautiful scenery but also the knowledge that leads to a meaningful trip.

    In addition, humorous friends make your trip colorful. The example of my trip to the Sichuan province proves my view perfectly. I traveled to Sichuan accompanied by my best friend and he is a funny person. During the 25 hours in the train, he told jokes to me and played cards with me. I cannot imagine without him, how boring my trip would have been. After we arrived in Chengdu, the capital city of Sichuan, we spent our time in enjoying some delicate snacks. It is not the food itself but my friend that gave me a wonderful time.

Taking all these factors into account, it is apparent that a good friend contributes to an enjoyable vacation the most. Every one needs to be accompanied and understood all the time. Together with a bona fide friend, our vacation will be more enjoyable.

总结：

说理论述很好。请特别注意长句中容易忽略的小语法点，单复啊，时态啊，第三人称啊，甚至拼写。。还有就是can的否定形式cannot是一个词，中间没有空格。。中间有空格的can not的意思和cannot的意思是不一样的。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

     10.24 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important characteristic for politics is to accept responsibility for mistake. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

When it comes to the most crucial element of politics, it is no exaggeration to say that ten people will hold ten different opinions. In this day and age, there is a view that we should give priority to the characteristic that politics should accept responsibility for mistakes. Speaking for myself, I agree with the statement with certain qualifications.
     Admittedly, having the courage to shoulder the responsibility for the mistake(s) you have made is one of the fundamental factors of politics. Once a politician brings any negative effect to the society, no matter who you (You started the sentence with 'a politician', which is in 3rd person. And here you switch into 2nd person 'you'. This is not consistent, and the meaning of your sentence is thus twisted.) are, you must explain it to the public and dedicate yourself to tackle these problems. A politician may not gain people's understanding and support otherwise. Nevertheless, we cannot overstate the significance of this kind of duty but neglect other pivotal characteristics.   
    For example, the wisdom of politicians plays an essential role in their work. The leader of one country, who is confronted with increasing challenges, needs the wisdom. Hu jingtao, the president of China, is just stuck in a complex situation. The economic environment around the world is disappointing, so is China's (This construct is in fact a parallel sentence: 'the…environment around the world is disappointing, China's environment is disappointing too'.). The president and his assistants have to make new plans and find out the efficient methods. It is a really tough task for common citizens. However, as the most powerful leader of China, Hu must think out the functional plan based on his team's wisdom. This example illustrates my opinion that intelligence is also one of the cornerstones of the politics.
    Another significant characteristic is the honesty. No matter how clever and how courageous a politician is, he/she is likely to become the "enemy" of the public if he/she is dishonest. Countless leaders pretend to be honest and warm-hearted when they face the public but do many illegal things behind us. Imagine this, if a person like that is voted by the public and become an office staff, how will our city or even the whole country will be? (This is a genuine question sentence, so you need to inverse the subject and the modal verb.) We can conclude from the analysis that honesty is one of the characteristics that we must take into account first.
Taking all these factors into account, it is apparent that plenty of characteristics, including the one that is being responsible for the mistakes, are necessary for the politics. It is quite hard to determine which one is the most crucial element on earth considering all of them are important and without any one, the politics may become deformed and unreliable.(True, but you didn't really make direct comparisons between intelligence, honesty and responsibility, or state very clearly that it's very hard to compare them in terms of absolute importance. So I can only agree that there are more than 1 important elements in politics, but I can't say I 100% agree with 'it's hard to determine which one is the most crucial', since you didn't really make a comparison in the essay.)

总结：

感觉政治题材比较不拿手啊~请注意语法和表达的准确~另外就是这个问题是比较型题目所以我喜欢多一些比较。。你要证明A不是最大的，你现在的写法是说因为A很大，B很大，C也很大，所以很难说A是不是最大的，但是严格地说，你应该还要说出ABC之间没有办法比较绝对大小，或者在不同的情况下ABC之间的大小关系不固定，所以无法判断A是否最大。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

10.28 People who move out of native village or town are more successful and happier than people who stay in their native village or town. Agree or not?  

In this day and age, frequent communication and convenient transportation make it possible to seek for a job and inhabit in a strange (A 'stranger' is someone you are not familiar with, yes, but 'strange' doesn't mean 'unknown/unfamiliar'.) city. Some people hold the opinion that people who immigrate from their hometown to another city, maybe a richer and more developed one, are much more successful and satisfied than those who stay in their native place all their lives.  Nevertheless, as far as I am concerned, this statement is not strictly true.
     Admittedly, in some cases, moving to another wealthier city can be the symbol of success. The Majority of us regard the career as the cornerstone of life. It is true that an advanced city will offer us with more valued opportunities. In this term, if we leave our home and get an ideal job which ensures high quality of life in other places, we will be able to enjoy a happier life. However, we ought to put the phenonmenon in perspective and realize the fact that happiness is not such a simple thing. Immigration cannot be equal to a life with more pleasure.
   To begin with, people who are far away from their relatives always suffering from homesickness ('always' is a tad too strong, but I won't argue this ^O^). As for many people, family is a main driving force behind their careers. The example of many current Chinese youngsters currently matches my view perfectly. Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou are the three most developed three cities in China. All of them attract millions of young employees all over the country, who desire to find their niche in bigger stages. As a result of this trend, problems have occurred that the young miss their parents seriously since most of them merely have no one to confide with ('merely' means 'only' in a 'barely, just enough' sort of way. And 'only' doesn't go with negatives: you say 'I only have milk' and 'I have no milk', but not 'I only have no milk', yes?) when faced with pressure. When it comes to their feelings, the answer is that they are no longer as happy as in the past.(Good example.)
    In addition, without assistances from the family and familiar environment (I don't quite get why you have to single out 'the family', since the family can be considered to constitute a 'familiar environment'.), people may be confronted with a series of challenges and inconveniences. In the hometown, people can turn to their friends, classmates, or even their parents' friends for help. Thanks to the network, almost everything may be tackled at the end. In contrast, those people who leave the home have to get into the swing of the things. It means no matter how complicated the issues are, they must depend themselves.('get into the swing of things' just means one has to get used to the rhythm and pace of others, usually in a work environment. It doesn't imply anything about having to figure out things on oneself. It doesn't imply that one has to do things without any help.)
Taking all these factors into account, it is apparent that people who leave their hometown and work or live in another village or town are not always happier than their friends at home. Different people cherish different things, so there is no fixed standard to evaluate how happy a person is.(You didn't discuss this point in the body of the essay. Randomly mentioning things in the conclusion is not really going to add much flair to your work.) What we need to do, is following our dreams and living whatever kinds of lifestyle we want.

总结：

第一个论点很好，第二个就虎头蛇尾了，请注意时间分配。另外请注意词用 – 有不少地方我知道你想说什么但是表达出来的效果是词不达意。

mpromanusUID：2565872

  People can learn more from watching television than by reading books.

Our world has been changed dramatically during the last few decades. Television, which once was regarded as a cryptical ('cryptical' is a word, but is far, far less used or recognized than its equivalent 'cryptic'.) and luxurious device, becomes a common-thing in this day and age. The issue whether human can benefit more from television than books is still up to debate. Speaking for myself, books still play a more crucial role than television.
  Admittedly, the occurrence of television is one significant milestone in mankind's life. It spreads knowledge in a vivid method ('method' implies a fixed procedure or protocol. It doesn't mean exactly the same as 'way'.) and involves plenty of utilized information (I've really no idea what kind of information is 'utilized information', but I'm guessing 'information that can be utilized easily', i.e. 'practical' or 'pragmatic'.). Nevertheless, compared with books, television seems to quite pale.
  To begin with, books can lead us to deep meditation and better understanding. One of the merits of television that it expresses (But actually information is not 'expressed', rather it is 'conveyed'.) a large amount of information is also be proven to be a major drawback. (This sentence is not quite solid in terms of clause structure. If you're unsure exactly how different parts should be linked into a proper sentence, don't just randomly add 'that'. 'one of the merits' and 'express(es) a large..of information' is essentially the same thing, and is the subject of this sentence, so in fact you don't need 'that' at all – there is no subordinate structure here that needs to be 'that'-ed. This sentence, in fact, is simply 'One of the merits of television – to express…of information – is also proven..'. Otherwise, don't insist on always writing very long sentences. Split things up into shorter sentences that you can manage, and connect them with connective devices, e.g. 'One of the merits of television is to express..information. Yet, this is also proven..'. In my opinion, the latter is actually a better showcase of logical reasoning.) Inevitably, audiences are likely to loose themselves when watching TV shows. In contrast, books can create a fantastic atmosphere for readers and make a difference. (I don't see why people reading books won't lose themselves in this 'fantastic atmosphere', compared to watching TV. You need to think carefully about what exactly differentiates TV from reading books and express it clearly, instead of using vague, undefinable terms like 'fantastic atmosphere'.) This is perfectly illustrated by the one of the most outstanding novels named War and Peace, written by an excellent Russian author. (His name's Leo Tolstoy. Use examples that you know well enough (that's why some people say it's always better to use personal examples), not examples that you think are famous but you don't really know very well. If you don't know any author's names in English but want to cite them, then learn some.) In one chapter, the author describes mental activity. We cannot feel this procession through watching TV.(This is very arguable. TV characters can act out their mental activities or use monologues – good actors can do such things very well, and some of the best actors have very powerful screen representations of mental activities. The problem with your argument is that you didn't really have very strong or clear reasoning as to why watching TV doesn't give you the same 'procession' as reading about mental activities. You're not really 'arguing' for your opinion, but rather just trying to tug the conclusion in the direction you want.) Another thing is that redundant information will easily confuse people since we are not able to get and absorb so many things at a short time. (Again this is arguable. The assumption seems to be that books will have no redundant, confusing information, but this is definitely not always true. Not all books are simple, linear texts – many children's books, for example, have pictures, texts, pull-out paper cuttings, etc. that, according to your reasoning, would be very confusing. There is also a genre of books called manga, or comics in Japanese, that can get as dense and confusing as you can imagine. Yes, these are not your average 'books', but they are books and not TV nonetheless. My point is that, again, you don't seem to have thoroughly thought about your point, as so far your language and reasoning have been rather vague.) As a consequence, in the term of content, reading books is a wise choice.
  In addition, books are convenient and portable. The tendency of television is bigger and bigger. (I had to read this sentence twice to get that you mean 'the tendency is for television to get bigger and bigger'..) It is impossible for people bring it with them. People have no choice but to watch them in their houses or some special occasions. However, books, instead, are more distinguished in this case. Both the traditional paper books and the advanced E-books facilitate readers.(I'm surprised. You know e-books but have never heard of watching TV on iPads, iPhones, or other smartphones?) Nowadays, people can read books on the trips, in the workplace, and almost everywhere you want. In the terms of the convenience, books go a long way to satisfy people's desire their needs.
  Taking all these factors into account, it is apparent that although televisions convey colorful information, reading books can benefit people more.(Yes, but the question didn't ask you whether reading books benefit people more. It's about whether people learn more from TV than from books, or vice versa..you've been wandering about the borderline between addressing the task at hand and going entirely off topic.)

总结：

好吧这次不能说完全跑题但也绝对不算很好地完成了题目。。题目是问哪个学到更多而不只是哪个更有好处。。你最终要把这个好处带回学习更多这句话上面去。。但是更大的问题是你的论述基本属于想当然型的，用词很模糊，没有仔细考虑你所给的原因是否真正是能够区分书本和电视的地方，所以非常容易被反驳。。请在比较的时候仔细思考你说的一方的好/不好是不是也可以同样说另一方。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

11.13：Agree or disagree? The car (automobile) has a greater effect on the society than the airplane.

The occurrences of both the car and the airplane are milestones in mankind's history. If someone regards the airplane as extra wings for human(To have an 'extra' something implies that you already have it and now have more of it. So 'extra wings' imply that human beings have wings already and now have more wings..), which allow us to travel faster, I must point out that the car is likehuman's legs (Now here is actually a better place to use 'extra' since human beings do have their own legs..). That is to say, the car plays a more essential role in people's lives.

  Admittedly, our society has a revolutionary change thanks to the airplane. It helps to save lots of time. Gone are the days that people had to waste several months on travelling from China to America by ship. In this day and age, it only takes us a few hours to fly to the USA. However, the car, which is much cheaper and widely used, exerts a more significant influence on common people.

  To begin with, increasing numbers of families can afford a car since cars are cheaper and cheaper nowadays.(Be consistent about singular/plural in the same sentence, although I personally prefer to stay with the plural.) At the very beginning, cars were treated as luxurious products. Only the wealthy can afford one. Just 30 years ago, purchasing a Santana, which is nearly outdated today, is a symbol of success. Currently, the price of acar is keeping to decline. The year of 2012 witnesses the first car of my family--a car worth almost 150,000 Yuan.(Why do you quote the price? The number itself doesn't mean anything for there is no baseline nor context - is this price cheap or expensive? Do you intend for this sentence to serve as an example of your previous statement on falling car prices, or what?) Nevertheless, there are very few, if any people can own a personal airplane. That is to say, the car is quite necessary for people.(I don't see how you can go from 'more people are able to own cars now as they are cheaper' to 'cars are necessary for people'. Also, I don't see where your argument for what you're supposed to argue – that because cars are cheaper, they have more effect on the society – is, at least not in this paragraph.)

  In addition, the car can be utilized in various fields. It is granted that people give the priority to airplanes when traveling for a long distance. But the development of street-net (You mean, 'road networks'..) assistant the car to fulfill its potential. The data of transportation (From who? Railway companies? DHL?) reveal that compared with cars or buses, the number of people traveling by plane is too small to be taken into account (Account of what?). As for the situation of goods, goods which conveyed by cars take up nearly 90 percent of the total in China. (Cars, by definition, are meant to carry people rather than goods. Vehicles designed for carrying goods like lorries and trucks are not considered to be 'cars'.) These data express the conclusion that at least currently, the car is widely used in the people's lives.(Not. They only illustrate that a large number of transportations are done with cars. This is not equal to cars being widely used. It's like, Chinese is the language spoken by the most number of people in the world but English is the most widely used language, geographically speaking. In fact, you've only talked about two uses of cars anyway – to carry people, and to carry goods. Just these two. And airplanes do very much the same things – passenger vs. cargo flights. So there is no evidence at all that cars are used in 'various fields', not to even say evidence that cars are 'more' widely used than airplanes..)

  Taking the two most crucial factors--price and function--into account, it is apparent that the car is superior to the airplane, as a vehicle for human beings.(This is NOT the point the question is asking you to prove, and it is not really relevant to the question either..)

总结：

请注意冠词和复合动词短语的用法比如像is keeping to decline这种的不能没了to。。还有就是你并没有完全掌握定语短语/从句的语法比如goods which are conveyed by, goods conveyed by..这类的句式。。论述上从让步开始往后就基本属于想到哪里写到哪里，根本没有回去想想题目到底要你说明的问题是神马，连最后一句总结都完全跟题目无关。。= =

(1)        这两个理由, 一个是经济性，一个是用途广。说的时候感觉•••会不会有点重复了？有人说•••就是因为经济啊，所以用途广啊，归结起来都是“影响大”

经济性对用途广有影响但两者没有必然联系。只要你不说‘因为经济性所以用途广’就不算重复（其实就算你说了，都是可以算两个论点的。论点的重复与否不在于两者之间有没有联系，完全在你怎么说而已。。）

归结起来肯定都是影响大啊，影响大是你最终要证明的总论点啊。。

(2)        同学说我虽然有些句子词汇还不错，但是衔接的不好，显得很生硬，老师您能给点意见吗？

见第一个分论点段的评论。你的每个句子都是在围绕价格这个主题展开，这没有问题，但是问题是你的句子表意是一块一块的，所说的名词互相没有呼应，比如，桑塔纳那句提了一下success，后面没展开，也不知道你提success是为了说明啥。。然后又完全看不出互相的逻辑关系，比如，最后说2012年我们家买了第一辆车多少多少钱，这句话是为了补充说明前面的某句话？是为了支持/反对前面的论点？是为了带出新的论点？看不出来。你要是想证明现在车便宜了这句话，你该说的不是具体多少钱 – 一米国普通老百姓你没法指望他知道150,000人民币是什么消费水平啊 - 而是，我们家2012年买车的价格，30年前只能买车上一个螺丝钉。。把你论点里提到的名词具体化，例子要很清晰地呼应你的论点，这才能让人看明白你举这个例子到底是为了说明神马，衔接自然就出来了。。

(3)        有人指出这样的“五段式”写作方式太俗套，而且例子论证的也不能很充分，使得没有说服力。求老师指点••••

你的例子论证不充分没说服力神马的跟五段式还是几段式无关。。主要的原因是你并没有好好考虑你所想说的论点具体表现在论据和论证上应该是什么样子。。比如第二个论点段的举例，你要想说明汽车用途很广，应该是像‘汽车至少有88种用法，例如运货/运人/飚车自high/赛车/躲僵尸/泡妞，其使用范围几乎涵盖人类生活吃喝拉撒睡行动坐卧走几乎所有的方面。。’这类的语言，而不是‘90%的货运都是用汽车’，因为这只能说明汽车的使用量很高，但是它还只算是一个用途那就是货运。。= = 但是我觉得你用五段式的问题是在手还不熟的情况下你会没时间好好写你的论点和结论段，虎头蛇尾的很明显。。所以建议练习的时候注意集中写好你的正面论点和好好结论。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

  A/D: A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.

When it comes to the element that exerts the most crucial influence upon people's moods, different people may maintain quite different ideas. Speaking for myself, I agree with the statement, with certain qualifications. One's job does have an impact on his or her happiness, nevertheless, we cannot overstate the job and ignore a more significant factor--social life.(If you 'agree' with the statement, then you agree that the job has a more significant impact on happiness than the person's social life. Whatever qualifications you may have should not change this basic stance. And here you end up contradicting yourself by saying social life is 'more significant'. If this is the position you are taking, then you do NOT agree with the statement.)

  Admittedly, as the cornerstone of one's life, the job can readily influence our thoughts and moods. For instance, very few, if any people can enjoy a colorful life without economic support. As a consequence, how much one obtains from his or her job is one of the essential factors ('the essential factors' of what?). Nevertheless, compared with the job, one's social life has a much more significant influence on one's happiness.

  To begin with, a wonderful social life can alleviate one's pressure, bring relaxation and pleasure, at last (This means 'finally' with a sense that the finality should have come sooner, i.e. whatever that comes 'at last' is possibly something long overdue.) boost the efficiency of work and improve our life-satisfaction. Confronted with increasingly intense competition, young people today often suffer from severe pressures. They work hard to find their own niches in the cruel society. Enjoying the time spent with their friends goes a long way to relieve the pressure (If you want to use 'the pressure', use the singular form throughout, or else your reader would think that the 'severe pressures' in the middle of the paragraph is something different from 'the pressure' here.). Plenty of young white-collars often involve themselves in some after-work activities, such as singing songs, watching movies, playing cards, etc. From this analysis, we know that social life is of great effect on both one’s life and work.(Most of this paragraph only talks about work. I don't see where you talked about the effect of social life in 'life', except a mention of 'life-satisfaction' very early on.)

  In addition, the social network which can be built during people's social lives is indispensable for old and young alike. No one can deny that no matter how strong or successful a person is, he or she also needs the assistance offered by friends. The assistance can make sure he or she overcomes the difficulties and feels happy again. The experience me (? Do you mean 'my experience'?) matches the view perfectly. I participated in a campus club last year. Fortunately, I made a large number of friends from different professions (I find it hard to believe that you can actually meet many people of different 'professions' in a campus club, because 'professions' means '(usually serious, professional) jobs', and even though students on a campus may work, the kind of jobs they hold are usually not considered 'professions'.). This semester, when taking part in a science competition, I met some mathematic problems (This is like you say 数学问题 rather than 数学麻烦 in Chinese. If you want to use 'trouble', you can only say 'I have trouble in mathematics'.). It was my friend who majors in math that gave me a hand. (Right. So you actually meant you met many students from different 'majors', rather than 'professions'..) We can conclude from this illustration that social life can help one build one’s own social network which will be indeed beneficial.(So can one's job. Social life is not the only scenario where you can build social networks, yes? In fact, a person's professional social network built through colleagues and people he met in other professions may actually help him better – if you haven't heard about LinkedIn, go have a look at it and you'll see what I mean. And, most importantly, this whole paragraph has no relevance to the question about 'happiness' – so not only that you didn't prove a person's social life is more significant than his job, you also missed the point of the argument altogether.)

  Taking all these factors into account, we can safely draw the conclusion that social life is regarded as a more important factor that influences people's happiness.

总结：

请注意冠词的使用。另外第二个分论点完全跑题嗯 = =