sun3may托福作文练习

sun3mayUID：2574771

4.4独立~

Yvaine198831UID：2956487

09.9.19机经
Do you agree or disagree that with the following statement?
It’s more important for the government to spend money to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational facilities (such as swimming pool, playgrounds).

In such a stressful and busy time, people need entertainment facilities to refresh and relax themselves. Rather than the art centers and music performance, people's recreation should be more emphasized. For the sake of citizens' mental and physical health, the normal order of the society and the widest range of the beneficiary. 最后一句话仔细看下，是没有主谓宾的机构的。For引导的是个状语从句，后半段的句子也只是短语组成的。不明白最后一句想表达的是什么。是说，为了市民的心理和生理健康，对于社会的正常要求和最广泛的受益人？>.< 纠结。除此之外还是明确的表达了作者的观点。

The first factor coming into my mind is that entertainment facilities serve as a requisite of keeping people's health, mentally and physically. Unlike the art museums or musical centers, which only provide something to appreciate (应该是 be appreciated) rather than play with (play with 这个表达不是太好 建议这句话改下 which only provide artwork to amuse people rather than enhance people’s physical quality), the facilities built for recreation make a ideal place to release their depression stemming from study and work. Take the recreational facilities in my block for instance, it is the play ground and swimming pool that offer us much relaxing moment playing with our best friends, training our body and soothe us as well. Whenever the neighbors get bored, it is a brilliant choice to have some fun with the entertainment facilities.
句子表述的比较明确。但是我建议把重点放在艺术馆之类的建筑不能够带给人们身体健康这一方面。因为如果人们觉得boring了，也可以去欣赏画作啊。个人建议啦，论据再有力一点。

To back up my argument, it is relevant to include that given the function of recreation, the normal order of the society have strong connection with the recreational facilities. （作者说的是社会的正常秩序和这些设施有着重要的联系，这样的表达有些含蓄，老美的脑子比较直，可以直接说 the normal order of the society could be well maintained by the increasing number of recreational facilities.）With entertainment which would reduce the stress of people, few people would feel so desperate and depressed that commit crimes. According to a recent survey conducted by the National Sociological Academy, the increase of the chances to have entertainment successfully pull down the crime rate resulting from undue pressure. Swimming in the pool or jogging around the ground with well-managed lawn, would surely reduce the weird and negative emotions or impulsive to conduct crimes. As a result, the entertainment facilities are beneficial to the normal order of the society.
做了比较著名的引用，支持论点。总体来说，这段的表达更明确。

At last, though the art and music are also indispensable in our decent life, the facilities of recreation ensure the largest range of people who can gain benefits.(我不知道托福是不是像雅思一样，可以肯定某些表述，我还是觉得，更明确一点的好。不用说虽然艺术和音乐是我们生活不可或缺的成分。) Considering the narrow range of audience who would go to appreciate a gallery or music performance, it is much wiser for the government to focus more on the construction of entertainment facilities. Therefore, the government is capable to gain more trust and admiration from their citizens.
最后一段有些牵强。如果没有很好的理由，可以再丰富一下  第一段和第二段。不需要为了凑段落，写上这么一段。

In conclusion, it is more essential to built more recreational facilities rather than the art or music centers, in terms of the health conditions, normal society order, and the welfare of more citizens.

整篇文章结构还是不错的。我也是个新手，改的不好的地方请原谅，一起加油~

sun3mayUID：2574771

4.6独立~
写的机经，感谢修改！（最好传附件吧，要是传不了请Q我。多谢！）

aurora0624UID：3039878

4.6独立修改~

sun3mayUID：2574771

4.7独立~写的是机经~
考前最后一次交作业了！
感谢修改的同学！

白猫猫UID：3039408

People can solve important problems by themselves or with the help from their family members so there's no need for the government to help them.

We always confront with sorts (sorts of) problems. Sometimes they can be easily and simply（easily 和 simply 感觉有些重复) solved by ourselves, sometimes it（前面是they,后面应该也是they吧） can be （can be 改为 might be 会不会好些？） too difficult for us to come up with any solutions to these problems（一句中有两个to ,感觉有些累赘）, only depending on the limited sources an individual has. As a result, the government is required for the individuals when they are involved in（involved in 在此处的感觉有些欠妥当，involved in是参与、卷入 .改为 when they face ） health care troubles, big disasters and need public frustrations.

The first factor coming into my mind is that it is health care that really calls for the support from government（factor 跟后面指代的句子不符啊，改成这样会不会顺一点，The first factor coming into my mind is health care which really calls for the support from government）. The unsatisfied facilities in the hospitals, the increasing prices of drugs, and even the disappointing services of doctors and nurses all need the regulation of government. Without the rigorous policies about the hospital and medicine, patients would suffer from the poor condition of health care. (看第一句的时候，是觉得health care 需要government的支持，后面变成了，需要government的管理，有些confusing啊)

Another point is relevant that no one can go through a huge disaster(,) such as an（这个地震应该是特指这一次吧，改为the好点） seism happened in Japan or(and) a (the) flood occurred in China, without the aids from government. Admittedly, family members and friends who survive (插入 in) the big cataclysm can inspire and encourage (inspire 和encourage是不是一个意思呀)each other, it is difficult for them to gain adequate food and water, which is of necessity to overcome the disasters. Only by the support from the government, in such emergencies, can refuges obtain pure water, tamps, and rebuild their shelters.

In addition, for the sake of the whole society, the constructions of some public areas like the street parks and high ways need the support from government. Those public facilities offer benefits for the citizens, however, expect some wealthy organizations, common people and their families can never build a park or road. （这一句没有主语，而且感觉never有点绝对啊，it is unlikely to build a park or a road only depending on some wealthy organizations, common people and their families） ，With the help of the government, we can find the patrons for the public facilities, and at last enjoy the welfare brought by the public facilities. (这一句的意思是，有了government,我们就可以找到patrons来建公共设施，至少我们还能享受公共设施。感觉意思有点将不太通，不知道该怎么改)

In conclusion, instead of common people, government is really required in solving some problems, including the improvement of health care, the tremendous disasters, and even（这里没有递进的感觉吧） the construction of the public facilities,

文章结构很完整，思路很清晰，句型多变。只是感觉个别语句，特意为了句型的变化，使的句子读起来不太通顺。这是我第一次给别人修改作文，而且本人的水平也不高啊，有些意见可能也不太正确，希望大家多讨论啊~~，呵呵，同时祝楼主考个好成绩~