20天托福110分---旅狼的作文修改铺子

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

47# STELLA710 对不起，这个楼里不该综合写作，我的书都卖了……

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

48# 土豆美国 第一篇文章写成这样已经很不错了，这里指明一下你下一步的练习方向：首先，你要把句子写完，这里并不是说你不会断句，而是你的句子句意不连贯。比如“It is looked as a big social problem by the public at large that troubles the society so much.”那么下面呢？你对这件事情的看法呢？这到底是不是一个社会问题？我看到这段文章的最后也没有明白。在这里，这就是一个断句，很突兀。其次：例子，这是新手经常犯的错误。不是把文章向例子一边倒，就是向说理一边倒。你的句子结构还可以。鼓励一下。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

49# 061308011 第一段最后一句话好长，但是，就算是看到最后，我依然不明白你的观点。这事many managers的观点，你的观点呢？其次，你的分论点有问题，你应该先向大家说明，在大多数情况下，会议的效率不高，然后再给出例子。而不是先给出例子。你先给处理的弊端就是，给我感觉，因为你的这一次经历，所以你否定了几乎所有的会议，面太大了。在写这种文章的时候，最好强调一下，虽然有的会议确实很有效，但是……。这样会使读者看到你作文的两面性。
通篇看来，你的文章不缺少例子，但是缺乏使用例子的经验和技巧，另外，你的议论太少。还要加强练习啊。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

50# 061308011 有点少……字数太少你的文章论述会不清楚的。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

52# lilingzi 首先，我是楼主……不是斑竹，不要弄错，会出问题的……第一段写的不错，例子引入和最后的结论都挺好的，但是最后一句话有些充分：你可以直接说你拥有自己的方式去锻炼就好了，因为这样肯定就说明你也知道健康的重要性了。这一类的文章写起来会很费时很难写，因为题目给的太容易。所以你就要尽量写出精彩来，但是因为例子的关系，所以在写的时候容易写出差不多的段落文字。就像你的这样，给人的感觉就是，你后两段COPY前面一段。在这个时候，你就要尝试用不同的句法，不同的结构，不同方面的例子和论据，来突出你每段文字的独一性。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

54# taoyukun-daidai 你的文章写得很令我迷茫，比较一下这两句“ I prefer the former option for the reason that people can gain their experience by solving the question themselves.”和“To sum up, we can solve most of difficulties by ourselves. Nevertheless, we can ask for help when we can not solve it by ourselves. They both contribute to the problem.”这本身就自相矛盾。然后你的文章第二段更令我迷惑，我明白你的意思，你希望写一下他的好处，但是二三段一对比你就会发现明显的差别，你想证明的地方部重点写，但是反面却写得异常坚决……我看过低四段以后，感觉稍有好转，但是很多情况下，他们并不会认真的去看你的第四段的，我把你的手段末端一看，然后在跳着一度，就基本能判断你跑题了。不要以为ETS得人多负责……所以，尽量在2.3断就解决你要证明的问题。

taoyukun-daidaiUID：2657922

谢谢小狼～
我刚学来的李笑竹老师的作文思路1-转折-2—递进-3  还不太会用
我写最后一段的时候忽然意识到如果我按照自己的思路下的结论会导致偏激，于是我就写了一个稍微中立一点的结论。
我想问一下，如果我在始终的论证中，都会绝对的偏向一方的观点，结论是否一定要写的绝对？？   谢谢～[b] 66# 腾格里旅狼

keppel_tuUID：2641964

我40楼还没有改的说

tomato100UID：2608246

麻烦您给提提意见咯
一个小问题，写作文的时候总感觉论点展开的很生涩，有时会出现写了主题句不知道怎么论证的状况，应该怎么解决啊
In current days, there appears a debatable issue that weather it is possible to work for one company during one’s whole life. Upon which, people’s opinion are totally divergent. Some people argue that it is common to stay in one company for nearly thirty to forty years, while others, including me, maintain that it is impossible to work for one company for so long time.

Admittedly, in the last thirty years, changing job is an impossible thing to most Chinese. For most of our parents, their life has been determined since their graduation. In the old institution, what kind of job a graduate student will have and how many new staffs a department will gat is decided by the government. Since the career is given buy the government, there is no possibility for a young student to choose or change, which means that one have to do the job he get first no matter he like it or not. The factory should be responsible for the retired life of the stuff as well as their children’s education problem.

With the process of the society, changing job is becoming more and more common in the now institution. People will change jobs if there will be better opportunity for their improvement. For many people, the first job is not the most satisfied since they do not have so much working experience. After several years of leaning and practice, one would have had a batter understanding of his field, accumulated a wealth of experience as well as acquainted many famous people. It is more likely for him to get a better job in some international company.

Another benefit which changing job can get is a better living condition. Hardly could a young graduate with little working experience find a job which can provide him a great amount of money. Changing a job after one or two years will be a chance for him to increase salary if he can inter a big international company. Obviously, this amount of money will change his living style. For example, by buying a car, his living pace will accelerate greatly.

To sum up, though the fact of working on only one company has be existed for decades in the old institution, people is tending to change jobs more frequently to seek better opportunity and have a better living condition..

061308011UID：2635385

63# 腾格里旅狼
“第一段最后一句话好长，但是，就算是看到最后，我依然不明白你的观点。这事many managers的观点，你的观点呢？”
我末段According to my comprehesion , I。。写我自己的观点 难道LZ 觉得衔接不自然？？


( |* b, d3 j9 C+ K" a7 O/ t- m& r
”通篇看来，你的文章不缺少例子，但是缺乏使用例子的经验和技巧，另外，你的议论太少。还要加强练习啊。“
CAN'T AGREE　ＭＯＲＥ　看了OG 后我觉得自己文章最大的问题在于body paragragh 不充实（话题发展） ，议论未展开导致文章冗余处比较多。 I will pay attention to them next time .


低级语法错误好多。。汗...

061308011UID：2635385

LZ 建议很好 今天再发一篇 看看有长进否 :lol  辛苦了。。
巴郎第4套的 TOPIC many people believe that it is important to make large amount of maney ,While others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living ,Analize each viewpoint and take a stand .

Nowadays, monthly salary is an important concern for those job hunters to determine  which career to participate in . While on the other hand , others put the life standard priority to the possession.Different group of people weigh distinctively to the two factors .

For on thing,Youngster with great ambition tend to request a job with intense laber as well as payback.From their point of view, salary is the first indicator of their ability and social statue. Therefore, how many the y earned represent how much respect they will receive  from their peers. Besides, Generally speaking, youth are always with passion to realize their ambitions and dreams, they tend to work more hard than those elder people without too much concern of the ease of life. The harder one works ,the higher he will be paid.

For another, Adults and other people with an emphasis on the life quality will usually pick up those easy works with an modest income. They pay more attention to the maintaining good family atmosphere , harmonious relationship with coworkers ,the leisureness of the working pace,  the coziness of the working environment etc. To them , these satisfaction can not be replaced by money and other possessions.

For my part , As a typical youth, I fall into the first catalog without any doubt . Since personal value  is always my highest concern and I always warn myself not to be assimilated by those who have a keen on relaxation, I will definitely  choose a chanllenging work . I work hard and at the same time, receive a decent pay which provides me with a good reputation among my peers , why not ? To me , making money is not my primary purpose,but a decent pay gives me good reputation and fame. I am glad to take it.

061308011UID：2635385

字数仍然徘徊在300 左右  我觉得自己打字速度不慢 但不知道为什么每次时间都觉得不够 这次也是花2分钟左右构思文章思路。 可能打字错误路过高影响了速度。。

pinokuUID：2435028

能帮看看59楼吗？ms没改。谢谢！

HYPS2011UID：2618437

35# 腾格里旅狼

谢谢 旅狼 ！说得中肯哈。另外 我一直都不是很清楚 写作的技巧到底是什么？能指点下吗

manioUID：2581962

麻烦郎帮看下我的作文:
work and family, which is worth more time?

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In the era of rapid social change leading to a myriad of contridictions in our life, we have to ponder which thing is really pivotal to us. In most of the case, the answer is vagarious due to the complexity of life. As a matter of fact, we must strike a balance among the choices, like this case of work and family.

In the first place, family is certainly important to us in that we were born by our parents, we are the parents of our children and we are the closet partners of our lovers. The harmony of each family is the groundwork of the prosperity of the society as a whole. Given that a person comes home nuturing grudge with family members every day, how could he be able to work well in his job? On the other words, the happiness give by family can ensure the excellent performance in work for a person.

On the other hand, too much of any one thing becomes problematic. Devoting too much time in family while ignoring the importance of job will lead to failure in family in turn. Because job gives a person satisfaction and recognition from the society. The attainment in job is a sign of success for a man or woman. His/her family members would be pride of him/her. It is not only the honor of the one, but also of the whole family. Most importantly, hard working can provide financial support for the whole family. Imagine a family whose members are praying for enough foods and think that is it worth overlooking the importance of work.

Without family, we become isolated ones and lose the meaning of life. Without work, we lose the opportunity to implement our value in the society, as well as the economical support which is the basis of happiness of family. Therefore, I believe that we must look for a balance between our work and family.