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[作文] 【独立写作】Darren的作业贴 [复制链接]

海上的月亮
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46楼

发表于 2012-11-8 00:30:46 |只看该作者

多交流~

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47楼

发表于 2012-11-9 15:03:40 |只看该作者

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wangzhangup
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48楼

发表于 2012-11-11 00:04:46 |只看该作者

交的迟了，深感抱歉！

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err0716
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49楼

发表于 2012-11-11 23:21:07 |只看该作者

LZ写的很好~~:)

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mpromanus
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50楼

发表于 2012-11-12 00:56:35 |只看该作者

  People can learn more from watching television than by reading books.

Our world has been changed dramatically during the last few decades. Television, which once was regarded as a cryptical ('cryptical' is a word, but is far, far less used or recognized than its equivalent 'cryptic'.) and luxurious device, becomes a common-thing in this day and age. The issue whether human can benefit more from television than books is still up to debate. Speaking for myself, books still play a more crucial role than television.
  Admittedly, the occurrence of television is one significant milestone in mankind's life. It spreads knowledge in a vivid method ('method' implies a fixed procedure or protocol. It doesn't mean exactly the same as 'way'.) and involves plenty of utilized information (I've really no idea what kind of information is 'utilized information', but I'm guessing 'information that can be utilized easily', i.e. 'practical' or 'pragmatic'.). Nevertheless, compared with books, television seems to quite pale.
  To begin with, books can lead us to deep meditation and better understanding. One of the merits of television that it expresses (But actually information is not 'expressed', rather it is 'conveyed'.) a large amount of information is also be proven to be a major drawback. (This sentence is not quite solid in terms of clause structure. If you're unsure exactly how different parts should be linked into a proper sentence, don't just randomly add 'that'. 'one of the merits' and 'express(es) a large..of information' is essentially the same thing, and is the subject of this sentence, so in fact you don't need 'that' at all – there is no subordinate structure here that needs to be 'that'-ed. This sentence, in fact, is simply 'One of the merits of television – to express…of information – is also proven..'. Otherwise, don't insist on always writing very long sentences. Split things up into shorter sentences that you can manage, and connect them with connective devices, e.g. 'One of the merits of television is to express..information. Yet, this is also proven..'. In my opinion, the latter is actually a better showcase of logical reasoning.) Inevitably, audiences are likely to loose themselves when watching TV shows. In contrast, books can create a fantastic atmosphere for readers and make a difference. (I don't see why people reading books won't lose themselves in this 'fantastic atmosphere', compared to watching TV. You need to think carefully about what exactly differentiates TV from reading books and express it clearly, instead of using vague, undefinable terms like 'fantastic atmosphere'.) This is perfectly illustrated by the one of the most outstanding novels named War and Peace, written by an excellent Russian author. (His name's Leo Tolstoy. Use examples that you know well enough (that's why some people say it's always better to use personal examples), not examples that you think are famous but you don't really know very well. If you don't know any author's names in English but want to cite them, then learn some.) In one chapter, the author describes mental activity. We cannot feel this procession through watching TV.(This is very arguable. TV characters can act out their mental activities or use monologues – good actors can do such things very well, and some of the best actors have very powerful screen representations of mental activities. The problem with your argument is that you didn't really have very strong or clear reasoning as to why watching TV doesn't give you the same 'procession' as reading about mental activities. You're not really 'arguing' for your opinion, but rather just trying to tug the conclusion in the direction you want.) Another thing is that redundant information will easily confuse people since we are not able to get and absorb so many things at a short time. (Again this is arguable. The assumption seems to be that books will have no redundant, confusing information, but this is definitely not always true. Not all books are simple, linear texts – many children's books, for example, have pictures, texts, pull-out paper cuttings, etc. that, according to your reasoning, would be very confusing. There is also a genre of books called manga, or comics in Japanese, that can get as dense and confusing as you can imagine. Yes, these are not your average 'books', but they are books and not TV nonetheless. My point is that, again, you don't seem to have thoroughly thought about your point, as so far your language and reasoning have been rather vague.) As a consequence, in the term of content, reading books is a wise choice.
  In addition, books are convenient and portable. The tendency of television is bigger and bigger. (I had to read this sentence twice to get that you mean 'the tendency is for television to get bigger and bigger'..) It is impossible for people bring it with them. People have no choice but to watch them in their houses or some special occasions. However, books, instead, are more distinguished in this case. Both the traditional paper books and the advanced E-books facilitate readers.(I'm surprised. You know e-books but have never heard of watching TV on iPads, iPhones, or other smartphones?) Nowadays, people can read books on the trips, in the workplace, and almost everywhere you want. In the terms of the convenience, books go a long way to satisfy people's desire their needs.
  Taking all these factors into account, it is apparent that although televisions convey colorful information, reading books can benefit people more.(Yes, but the question didn't ask you whether reading books benefit people more. It's about whether people learn more from TV than from books, or vice versa..you've been wandering about the borderline between addressing the task at hand and going entirely off topic.)

总结：

好吧这次不能说完全跑题但也绝对不算很好地完成了题目。。题目是问哪个学到更多而不只是哪个更有好处。。你最终要把这个好处带回学习更多这句话上面去。。但是更大的问题是你的论述基本属于想当然型的，用词很模糊，没有仔细考虑你所给的原因是否真正是能够区分书本和电视的地方，所以非常容易被反驳。。请在比较的时候仔细思考你说的一方的好/不好是不是也可以同样说另一方。。

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hb5404
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51楼

发表于 2012-11-14 21:53:21 |只看该作者

坚持！加油！

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人不虐己，天必灭你

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Darren_Van
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52楼

发表于 2012-11-14 22:12:49 |只看该作者

hb5404 发表于 2012-11-14 21:53
坚持！加油！

感谢修改啊~受益匪浅

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龙泽皮皮
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53楼

发表于 2012-11-14 23:17:34 |只看该作者

以改，大牛词汇量很强大，句法多变，结构清晰，膜拜

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凯子啊哦
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54楼

发表于 2012-11-16 09:15:30 |只看该作者

第一次改还请见谅不过真的好喜欢你的作文呢

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wuxiang0220
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55楼

发表于 2012-11-16 14:48:51 |只看该作者

已改

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adrian小豆
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56楼

发表于 2012-11-17 15:11:57 |只看该作者

改了写的不错哦

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龙泽皮皮
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57楼

发表于 2012-11-17 23:24:36 |只看该作者

膜拜，大牛的文章，值得我们学习:handshake

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emily141
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58楼

发表于 2012-11-18 00:27:54 |只看该作者

第一次改，仅作参考！

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mpromanus
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59楼

发表于 2012-11-21 08:58:50 |只看该作者

11.13：Agree or disagree? The car (automobile) has a greater effect on the society than the airplane.

The occurrences of both the car and the airplane are milestones in mankind's history. If someone regards the airplane as extra wings for human(To have an 'extra' something implies that you already have it and now have more of it. So 'extra wings' imply that human beings have wings already and now have more wings..), which allow us to travel faster, I must point out that the car is likehuman's legs (Now here is actually a better place to use 'extra' since human beings do have their own legs..). That is to say, the car plays a more essential role in people's lives.

  Admittedly, our society has a revolutionary change thanks to the airplane. It helps to save lots of time. Gone are the days that people had to waste several months on travelling from China to America by ship. In this day and age, it only takes us a few hours to fly to the USA. However, the car, which is much cheaper and widely used, exerts a more significant influence on common people.

  To begin with, increasing numbers of families can afford a car since cars are cheaper and cheaper nowadays.(Be consistent about singular/plural in the same sentence, although I personally prefer to stay with the plural.) At the very beginning, cars were treated as luxurious products. Only the wealthy can afford one. Just 30 years ago, purchasing a Santana, which is nearly outdated today, is a symbol of success. Currently, the price of acar is keeping to decline. The year of 2012 witnesses the first car of my family--a car worth almost 150,000 Yuan.(Why do you quote the price? The number itself doesn't mean anything for there is no baseline nor context - is this price cheap or expensive? Do you intend for this sentence to serve as an example of your previous statement on falling car prices, or what?) Nevertheless, there are very few, if any people can own a personal airplane. That is to say, the car is quite necessary for people.(I don't see how you can go from 'more people are able to own cars now as they are cheaper' to 'cars are necessary for people'. Also, I don't see where your argument for what you're supposed to argue – that because cars are cheaper, they have more effect on the society – is, at least not in this paragraph.)

  In addition, the car can be utilized in various fields. It is granted that people give the priority to airplanes when traveling for a long distance. But the development of street-net (You mean, 'road networks'..) assistant the car to fulfill its potential. The data of transportation (From who? Railway companies? DHL?) reveal that compared with cars or buses, the number of people traveling by plane is too small to be taken into account (Account of what?). As for the situation of goods, goods which conveyed by cars take up nearly 90 percent of the total in China. (Cars, by definition, are meant to carry people rather than goods. Vehicles designed for carrying goods like lorries and trucks are not considered to be 'cars'.) These data express the conclusion that at least currently, the car is widely used in the people's lives.(Not. They only illustrate that a large number of transportations are done with cars. This is not equal to cars being widely used. It's like, Chinese is the language spoken by the most number of people in the world but English is the most widely used language, geographically speaking. In fact, you've only talked about two uses of cars anyway – to carry people, and to carry goods. Just these two. And airplanes do very much the same things – passenger vs. cargo flights. So there is no evidence at all that cars are used in 'various fields', not to even say evidence that cars are 'more' widely used than airplanes..)

  Taking the two most crucial factors--price and function--into account, it is apparent that the car is superior to the airplane, as a vehicle for human beings.(This is NOT the point the question is asking you to prove, and it is not really relevant to the question either..)

总结：

请注意冠词和复合动词短语的用法比如像is keeping to decline这种的不能没了to。。还有就是你并没有完全掌握定语短语/从句的语法比如goods which are conveyed by, goods conveyed by..这类的句式。。论述上从让步开始往后就基本属于想到哪里写到哪里，根本没有回去想想题目到底要你说明的问题是神马，连最后一句总结都完全跟题目无关。。= =

(1)       这两个理由, 一个是经济性，一个是用途广。说的时候感觉•••会不会有点重复了？有人说•••就是因为经济啊，所以用途广啊，归结起来都是“影响大”

经济性对用途广有影响但两者没有必然联系。只要你不说‘因为经济性所以用途广’就不算重复（其实就算你说了，都是可以算两个论点的。论点的重复与否不在于两者之间有没有联系，完全在你怎么说而已。。）

归结起来肯定都是影响大啊，影响大是你最终要证明的总论点啊。。

(2)       同学说我虽然有些句子词汇还不错，但是衔接的不好，显得很生硬，老师您能给点意见吗？

见第一个分论点段的评论。你的每个句子都是在围绕价格这个主题展开，这没有问题，但是问题是你的句子表意是一块一块的，所说的名词互相没有呼应，比如，桑塔纳那句提了一下success，后面没展开，也不知道你提success是为了说明啥。。然后又完全看不出互相的逻辑关系，比如，最后说2012年我们家买了第一辆车多少多少钱，这句话是为了补充说明前面的某句话？是为了支持/反对前面的论点？是为了带出新的论点？看不出来。你要是想证明现在车便宜了这句话，你该说的不是具体多少钱 – 一米国普通老百姓你没法指望他知道150,000人民币是什么消费水平啊 - 而是，我们家2012年买车的价格，30年前只能买车上一个螺丝钉。。把你论点里提到的名词具体化，例子要很清晰地呼应你的论点，这才能让人看明白你举这个例子到底是为了说明神马，衔接自然就出来了。。

(3)       有人指出这样的“五段式”写作方式太俗套，而且例子论证的也不能很充分，使得没有说服力。求老师指点••••

你的例子论证不充分没说服力神马的跟五段式还是几段式无关。。主要的原因是你并没有好好考虑你所想说的论点具体表现在论据和论证上应该是什么样子。。比如第二个论点段的举例，你要想说明汽车用途很广，应该是像‘汽车至少有88种用法，例如运货/运人/飚车自high/赛车/躲僵尸/泡妞，其使用范围几乎涵盖人类生活吃喝拉撒睡行动坐卧走几乎所有的方面。。’这类的语言，而不是‘90%的货运都是用汽车’，因为这只能说明汽车的使用量很高，但是它还只算是一个用途那就是货运。。= = 但是我觉得你用五段式的问题是在手还不熟的情况下你会没时间好好写你的论点和结论段，虎头蛇尾的很明显。。所以建议练习的时候注意集中写好你的正面论点和好好结论。。

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