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永远的乌托邦
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电梯直达

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发表于 2013-2-20 18:51:48 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

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沙发

发表于 2013-2-22 08:49:52 |只看该作者

Nowadays it's easier to maintain health than the past.

Health seems to become an indispensable part of human life nowadays. While many people might advocate that modern people are healthier than people in the past, I personally do no hold it is a correct idea. I, given the chance, would like to endorse that humanity nowadays are not as healthy as people in the past due to environmental pollution, working pressure and moral decline as follows. (The question is about whether it is easier to 'maintain' health than in the past. It is NOT about whether people are actually healthier than people in the past, or not. These two issues may of course be related, but they are still two issues. You can't just base your writing upon one single keyword out of the question. Please ONLY think about what the ENTIRE essay question means. Do NOT get into the habit of labelling essay questions with broad 'categories' such as 'family', 'society', 'education', etc. Those are very misleading.)

To begin with, while people have utilized technology to improve our living standards, human activities does significant harm to the environment . As a result, modern human beings are more likely to get sick owing to serious environmental pollutions. Take the air pollution as an example. Recently, Beijing, China's capital, has experienced thick fog and haze since last month (Repetitive with 'recently'.). As it (What does this 'it' refer to? You probably meant 'it is'.) reported, you can see for less than 200 feet in front of you in some spots. The smog stings resident’s eyes and has lead to a surge in respiratory illness. Some experts argue that air is mainly polluted by modern transportation, especially gas-powered automobiles, as well as electrical generators (This means the generators themselves are operated as 'electrical' devices. It does NOT mean the generators generate electricity – that would be 'electricity generators'.) that burn fossil fuels and pour toxic chemical waste into the air. This makes Beijing’s air less healthy to breathe.(Now I've already said that your overall point of argument was not what the question asked for to start with, but even we set that aside and take that your opinion is really just 'people are now less healthy than they were before', merely talking about how awful Beijing's air quality is and how it's making people sick doesn't prove your point. Why? Because you're arguing it in the wrong direction. Being unhealthy can cause you to get sick more often, but it's not true if you swap 'unhealthy' and 'get sick more often' around. i.e. being sick more often doesn't cause you to be less healthy. This is exactly the case in your very example – that given the same person, it's the worse air quality that causes him to get sick more often, while his actual health level may just be the same as in the past.)

More importantly, people in the modern society tend to choose a high-paying jobs with long hours. This means we need to work overtime and suffer from more stress in order to afford the necessities of ordinary life particularly in metropolitan cities. Such high working pressure is easier to contribute to health issues (You can't say '<something> is easier to do <something else>, because 'easy' can only describe one <something> at a time. It's either '<something> is easier' or 'it is easier to do <something>', where the 'it' doesn't mean anything and can't be replaced by a concrete <something>. With all that grammar thrown at you, what you intend to say is actually just, very simply, 'such high working pressure contributes to health issues more easily'.). On one hand, this condition will contribute to unpleasant, even hostile relationships with both coworkers and clients, and thus will have negative effects on one’s mood and mental health. On the other hand, one is sure to form unhealthy habits under pressure, including heavy smoking, excessive drinking, staying up etc.(Now this is a rather wilful statement – who stipulates that pressure will definitely make one develop such habits? A lot of people use physical exercise as a way to release stress, would you call that an unhealthy habit? Unless you could further present some argument as to why your statement is valid, it is not going to be very persuasive. Whenever you start writing absolute words such as 'always', 'sure', 'definitely', it's a signal that you're secretly aware that your argument might not be powerful enough to persuade everyone and you want these words of emphasis to establish authority. But in logical argumentation, things do not work this way. Something that is 'always' true is not necessarily more persuasive than something that isn't. Argumentation is more about the correct process of developing arguments, than the actual correctness of the arguments themselves.) these habits are eventually responsible for diseases which didn't happen frequently before such as cancer (Yeah but if your argument is that some diseases weren't as frequent as they are now so people must be getting unhealthier, then I can very easily challenge you because at the same time some other diseases are not as frequent as they were before: the dreaded Black Death in medieval Europe, for example, is now pretty much a mere legend in many countries. Or smallpox. Yours is a valid point. It's just not very robust.).

Finally, moral decline is also a crucial factor that does harm to our health. Despite that growing persons (This actually means 'adults'. It's not really that people are growing. It's really the 'number' of people that is growing.) having made a big chunk of profits from the market economy in China within the recent 30 years, they appear to lose their basic morality as mankind for maximizing their profits. For instance, in 2008, at least 6 babies died and 300,000 became sick after being fed infant milk powder that had been deliberately and illegally added with one kind of toxic chemical (You say 'add <something> TO <something>', so in the passive you need a preposition as well. You can't say '<something> is added <something>' as in Chinese.) as raw material. What surprised Chinese nationals was that San Lu Group which produced the polluted milk powder had actually been a top Chinese brand for years.(Personal comment: I find it funny that people blame such things on the lack of morality standards, rather than the lack of laws and regulations regarding food safety, or the actual adherence to them, or the execution of punishment for violations. Do you actually think that such things do not usually happen in, say, the United States, because the people there are morally superior? They want profits too. But they are not doing such 'bad things', or not to the extent that it is easily discoverable, only because they would be found out and be out of business forever once they do it. It's the fear of losing the entire market and thus all future profits that prevent people from working evil. It's not the morals. Do you actually know what the eventual legal sentences were, and to whom the sentences were delivered, and whether any follow-up effort had been made across the milk powder industry, or indeed whether there was any focus on how to compensate the victims, for the milk powder case in China? Go and read about it and judge for yourself. When people, especially those in positions of authority, realize that they can do evil things without being seriously punished in person, either because of an ineffective legal system, or because public attention is never on the effectiveness of the legal system, they will do evil things. Think about it: if the decline in moral standards is indeed the reason that people turn evil, then why is there a legal system at all? Why do we not just brainwash everyone with good moral standards so the world will be a better place? That should prompt you to think about what morals really are. I personally hold the opinion that if China, as a country, continues to keep its focus on societal morality rather than building an effective, independent legal system that actually will have some restraining power over the upper classes, the morally corrupt rich people you see now will continue to be the norm.)

In a nutshell, I come to the notion that modern people are more difficult to maintain fitness than the past (No you didn't. You were arguing that modern people are less healthy than people in the past. And even that you didn't really argue very well.). Apparently, people in the past wouldn’t experience environmental issues, working pressure and moral crisis (Seriously, now this is as willful as it is naïve. How do you know that they wouldn't? If I want to I can give you plenty examples on how people in the past experienced as many bad things as we do now. Why people keep idealizing 'the past' as an old-fashioned world of simplicity, purity and goodness is seriously beyond me. Just one simple example: was Germany during World War II not experiencing a moral crisis, as Hitler chose to heartlessly inflict so much pain and suffering on Europe just because he wanted an empire? To me, the big problem with your essay is that your arguments are based on these willful, self-perpetuated assumptions that are simply too sweeping. But for TOEFL, the big problem is that you're not even arguing the right question..).

总结：

好吧于是你根本完全走题。。论述上我就不多吐槽了，托福考官其实并不会像我这样唧唧歪歪这么多论述要怎么才严谨的评语，但是这个走题是实实在在的。。问题问的是‘现在保护健康是不是更容易’而不是光‘健康’两个字，更不是‘现在的人是否比过去更健康’这个问题。。

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板凳

发表于 2013-2-24 01:12:11 |只看该作者

Nowadays it's easier to maintain health than the past.

（第二稿）

Nowadays, humans seem to pay more attention to maintain their both mental and physical health. A large amount of people would like to advocate that keeping healthy is easier in modern society due to a mixture of factors including medical advancement, technical development and so on. Nevertheless, I personally hold the view that it's more difficult for people to maintain health these days. High working pressure, absence of exercise and unhealthy life habits all contribute to such a serious issue.

The first reason involves that human beings at present are more likely to experience relatively high working pressure compared to ones in the past. Now people tend to choose high-paying jobs with long hours in order to afford the necessities of ordinary life especially in metropolitan cities. As a result, we may suffer from working stress more frequently and build unpleasant, even hostile relationships with both coworkers and clients, which in turn have negative effects on one's mood and mental health. A recent survey,in which over 200 clerks in more than 10 companies were investigated, suggests that 30 percentage of interviewees once quarreled with their clients and half of them still feel reluctant to recall such things.

Moreover, the majority of people in this time lack of enough exercise which is crucial to keep healthy. With the rapid development of information technology, most persons prefer to spend most of their free time surfing the Internet. Taking exercise properly, which doesn’t have a short term effect, has not become an indispensable part of our lives yet, although it is definitely beneficial for our metabolism and blood circulation. My 17-year-old little brother serves as a good example to illustrate it. During last summer, playing the popular computer game WOW accounted for his most time everyday. He didn't take exercise at all for two months and finally failed to pass the 1000m test in the following fall semester. We can learn from this example that a strong body needs plenty exercise.

Finally,the growing number of bad life habits also makes it not easy to maintain health. Nowadays people tend to form unhealthy life habits partly result from the lure of various kinds of entertainment. These habits confuse the normal biological clock a person needs to keep fit and perhaps cause him or her to get sick more often. The example of my friend , Ann, matches my point of view perfectly. Ann is a girl who used to spend whole night singing in KTV three times a week on average. Unfortunately, she often felt tired and even dizzy while working since last year. However, after following what doctor told her that getting rid of the habit of staying up for singing , she recovered well and appeared robust a month later. From this example, we can see that a good habit is useful to keep fit.

In a nutshell, I come to the notion that maintaining health is not easier for modern people. High working pressure is directly harmful for our mental health. Besides, the lack of enough exercise and unhealthy life habits make it hard to keep fit for us .

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地板

发表于 2013-2-24 09:58:41 |只看该作者

永远的乌托邦发表于 2013-2-23 17:12
Nowadays it's easier to maintain health than the past.
（第二稿）

Nowadays it's easier to maintain health than the past.

Nowadays, humans seem to pay more attention to maintain both their both mental and physical health. A large number ('amount' is for uncountable nouns, e.g. 'water'.) of people would like to advocate that keeping healthy is easier in the modern society due to a mixture of factors including medical advancement, technical development and so on. Nevertheless, I personally hold the view that it's more difficult for people to maintain health these days. High working pressure, absence of exercise and unhealthy life habits (These are very awkward expressions. You usually talk about people being 'absent' but things being 'lacking', or that people have 'lifestyles' rather than 'life habits'. ) all contribute to such a serious issue.

The first reason involves ('involve' can only take a noun phrase object. It cannot take a clause as its object.) that human beings at present are more likely to experience relatively high working pressure compared to ones in the past. Now people tend to choose high-paying jobs with long hours in order to afford the necessities of ordinary life especially in metropolitan cities. As a result, we may suffer from working stress more frequently and build unpleasant, even hostile relationships with both coworkers and clients, which in turn have negative effects on one's mood and mental health. A recent survey, in which over 200 clerks in more than 10 companies were investigated, suggests that 30 percentage of interviewees once quarreled with their clients and half of them still feel reluctant to recall such things. (Okay. But what does all this statistics mean to the topic of your discussion? The most reasonable immediate conclusion one may draw from this data is that 'people nowadays are very stressed', and that is not yet the final point you want to prove, which is 'people nowadays have greater difficulty in keeping themselves healthy'. You need one sentence that ties these two together, e.g. 'since people nowadays are expressing so much more stress, and stress is necessarily damaging to health, they must necessarily find it more difficult to stay healthy than people did in the past'. If you leave a piece of evidence dangling without pointing out how it demonstrates the point you want to argue for, it becomes what we call an 'open argument', an argument without a conclusion. You need to bring this back to your point. This is what you call 点题 in Chinese. It's often ignored in Chinese writings because our language use is permeated with descriptive allusions, hidden messages and gaps, and we from a young age have been used to 'reading between the lines'. Proper argumentation, on the other hand, needs to be precise, concise, explicit and most importantly, complete, in the sense each sub-point needs to establish its relevance to the main point.)

Moreover, the majority of people in this time lack of enough exercise (If you 'lack' exercise, or have a 'lack of' exercise, you don't have enough of it. So it's redundant to say 'lack of enough'. And 'lack' is both a verb and a noun, where you use the noun with 'of', and the verb without 'of'. ) which is crucial to keeping healthy ('being crucial to keep healthy' without the 'ing' means 'to keep healthy' itself is crucial, not that something else is crucial to the goal of keeping healthy.). With the rapid development of information technology, most people ('persons' as a plural form of 'person' often has special connotations, e.g. when the 'person's being referred to have special/important/rare status.) prefer to spend most of their free time surfing the Internet (This doesn't really support your argument. Yes, people might surf the net more nowadays, but that' doesn't necessarily mean they exercised more in the past, because they could have been occupied by some other 'unhealthy' things, e.g. watching TV, and had an equally unhealthy lack of exercise – do you see the point? You can't just throw down a sentence about the internet and assume that this piece of fact equals to 'people nowadays exercise less', without justifying how. Again, this is the kind of simplistic, moralistic, 'default' thought patterns that tend to be perpetuated by mass media nowadays, which always seems to be wailing about how the internet is corrupting the youth and all.). Taking exercise properly, which doesn’t have a short term effect, has not become an indispensable part of our lives yet, although it is definitely beneficial for our metabolism and blood circulation(I don't see how this sentence relates to the one before it.). My 17-year-old little brother serves as a good example to illustrate it (What does this 'it' refer to?). During last summer, playing the popular computer game WOW (This is not yet a commonly known acronym so you need to spell it out.) accounted for most of his most time everyday. He didn't take exercise at all for two months and finally failed to pass the 1000m test in the following fall semester. We can learn from this example that a strong body needs plenty exercise.(Again, this needs to 点题, i.e. relate back to the overall point you're trying to support. If you leave your paragraph at this, all you prove is 'a strong body needs exercise', and this is only ONE premise for your argument. You need to complete it with a return to your 分论点, which is 'people nowadays exercise less'. These two premises together then become 'so people nowadays necessarily have weaker bodies', which is your overall point. Of course, this necessarily means you repeat your sub-point to a certain degree. But if you don't do this at the end of the sub-point's paragraph, then your reader has to mentally remember your overall point, your sub-point, and complete this logical reasoning process himself. Make this process easy and obvious for him and he'll be more easily persuaded.)

Finally, the growing number of bad life habits also makes it not easy to maintain health. Nowadays people tend to form unhealthy life habits partly resulting from the lure of various kinds of entertainment. These habits confuse the normal biological clock a person needs to keep fit and perhaps cause him or her to get sick more often. The example of my friend, Ann, matches my point of view perfectly. Ann is a girl who used to spend the whole night singing in KTV three times a week on average. Unfortunately, she often felt tired and even dizzy while working since last year. However, after following what a doctor told her that getting rid of the habit of staying up for singing , she recovered well and appeared robust a month later (Good example.). From this example, we can see that a good habit is useful to keep fit.(Same point about 点题.)

In a nutshell, I come to the notion that maintaining health is not easier for modern people. High working pressure is directly harmful for our mental health. Besides, the lack of enough exercise and unhealthy life habits make it hard to keep fit for us.

总结：

很好的论点和例子。主要的评论是在分论点段结尾点题这个事情上：我个人是坚持分论点论述完之后必须拉回到主要论点上去，否则的话就是open argument。也就是说一个分论段的模式是‘（我支持论点A的原因是）论点B，<论点B的例子>，所说既然论点B是对的那么必须论点A是对的’，A是主论点B是分论点，最后那句如果没有，你说明的是论点B而不是论点A。所以要么你能在论述B的时候就时时能够点出这个例子如何联系论点A，要么你就要有一句总结来建立这个关系，才能让论述明确易懂。

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发表于 2013-2-25 19:59:41 |只看该作者

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发表于 2013-2-27 04:22:05 |只看该作者

永远的乌托邦发表于 2013-2-25 11:59
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should read books chosen by themselv ...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should read books chosen by themselves, or recommended by their teachers.

Reading is regarded as a good means to both obtain knowledge and broaden one's horizons especially for students. While some students prefer to read books chosen by themselves, I personally hold the view that we students ought to read books recommended by our teachers. Only in this way can we form a good habit of reading, master certain knowledge in a short time ('(the) short term' is a fixed expression, and it doesn't mean 'in a short time'.) and ensure what we learn is correct.

To begin with, reading books recommended by our teachers contributes to form a good of reading for us (I'm not really sure what this means.). Since teachers have rich teaching experience compared to students, they clearly know which books are the most suitable for students to read. As reading books that match our existing level ('existing' expresses presence, not possession. 'current' would be a better word here.) benefits us for renewing enthusiasm, thus (You don't use both 'as' and 'thus' in the same sentence. Either use just 'as' or just 'thus'. Same as you don't use 'because..so..' in the same sentence.) we will form a good habit of reading. Suppose you read a book that is beyond your existing level, you will find it difficult in continuing reading and easily tend to give up. Gradually you are unable to maintain focus on reading and lose interest about it. Therefore, reading a book in accordance with our existing level with the help of teachers can lead to a good habit of reading.

What's more, we can master certain knowledge in a short time via reading books chosen by teachers. Teachers, in particular professors (Technically speaking, 'teachers' tend to refer to the teaching staff in primary/secondary schools rather than 'professors', but I don't think TOEFL examiners will penalize you on that.), are often experts in one fields and familiar with relevant books in a large quantity (You can't really say you are 'familiar' with things 'in a large quantity'. The 'quantity' bit is supposed to describe 'books', rather than 'familiar', so it should go in front of the 'books' –'with a great quantity of relevant books'.). This means they can pick books which suit for us to grasp knowledge and then pass the exam effectively. Take my experience of preparing for the National Judicial Examination for example. Last year, I attended a training class and read a series of reference books in forms of lectures (I don't quite get how you can read books 'in forms of lectures'. It literally means the books you read were written as lectures, which doesn't make sense.) recommended by the professors who taught us. Finally, I passed the so called most difficult exam successfully. I might reach the same result by learning by myself, but I doubt it would cost me more invaluable time (If you 'doubt' something, you're unsure of its truth, so what you have here literally means you don't know whether it would cost you more time or not.). From this example, we can see that reading books chosen by teachers will help us obtain knowledge we need quickly. (Only when the knowledge needed is defined by an exam, as far as your example and arguments go so far.)

Finally, it is crucial for us to learn thecorrect knowledge through reading books chosen by teachers. As we know, a book, particularly a popular one, may have several different editions and we students perhaps fail to tell which one is the best due to the lack of enough knowledge (If you 'lack' something, you don't have enough of it, so it's in fact redundant to say 'lack of enough' something.). Nevertheless, an experienced teacher is more likely to choose a proper edition for students, making sure the book is of high quality. My piano tutor told me that once he spent the whole summer practicing a Bach's composition according to a book he found by himself. When he went to a piano master's home for advice with confidence, however, the master said he'd better not play this piece of music anymore because the book he referred to had so many errors that he could hardly correct them. We can learn from this example that teachers indeed play a vital role of choosing proper books for us to learn the right knowledge.

Take all the above factors into consideration, I would draw the conclusion that we'd better read books recommended by our teachers. They have both the experience and the knowledge to help us form a good habit of reading, master basic knowledge in a short time and make sure we acquire the right knowledge.

总结：

论述和举例都不错但是表意经常比较直翻+吊诡哎。。

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发表于 2013-2-28 00:38:59 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2013-2-27 04:22
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should read books chosen by themse ...

多谢RO大极其负责地批改，自己也感觉文章充满中式英语的表达，好多用法自己用起来总觉得变扭。。。最无法原谅的是又犯了lack+enough的重复错误~面壁去！！！！！！

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发表于 2013-3-2 11:07:04 |只看该作者

Agree or disagree? College or university should offer more perparation before students start working.

Recently the problem of occupation of college or university students has caused wide public concern .It is convinced that the more students who graduate from school the more possibility they have no job.Why does this peculiar phenomenon happen? And what should we do for our career after school? As far as I'm concerned, our college or university should offer more opportunities to students before they start working for the following reason.

To begin with,our college and university should have been established to produce elites to our society. But it is no denied that many students have nothing in their mind when they leave school. No one can doubt the essential fact that millions of people have to spend more time and energy on studying new skills and technology so that they can keep a favorable position in job market.The problem is located that our university gives too much they don't need to their work and their jobs required adept skills. So our university should change their courses for the students to get enough preparation for their jobs.

In the second place ,it is university's responsibility to offer students more chances to get experiences for their work. Experience is significant for seeking a job.Take my subject area as an example, my major is to teach Chinese as a foreign language. In the past years we are just taught the knowledge of Chinese and English whereas we don't have a chance to teach.When we graduate from school,no schools like to recruit teachers who have no experience of teaching. It is indisputable that we couldn't for our job with the lack of working experience.If our university could connect with companies or other institutions to provide internship with our students we may have more advantages in competition.

Furthermore,our students should learn harder during the time of college and university.With the advanced facilities and excellent tutors we can ask for, we should get ready for our career by ourselves. It is really an issue that our resources of campus are not utilized enough .But it is always happened that we don't know if there are essential resources for our future job.So our university and college have to inform us with these useful messages.

In a nutshell, our college and university nowadays play more and more important role in students' career.They have the ability for teaching us adept skills ,experience and facilities we need for jobs. If our college or university could offer more preparation before students start working, our future will be better.

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