[习作点评] 锤先森G330__issue习作集合贴 [复制链接]

The arguer recommended shortening the workshifts so the number of accident will be reduced and the productivity will beincreased with the belief that the measure could enable the workers get moresleep. Lots of assumptions have to be reexamined in order to correctly evaluatethe argument. These assumption include the factor that causes fewer accidentsin Panoply, the relationship among work hours, fatigue, lack of sleep andaccidents.

根据老师建议把原来的一句话拆成了两句，避免了单句太长。

assumtpions include 后面跟factor 等不太合适

或许换成involve会好些

Firstly, the author assumed that the reasonwhy Panoply had 30% fewer accidents is due to the shorter work shifts forworkers. This assumption has to be examined carefully because other factorsmight cause the same situation. For example, it might be the much moredangerous working condition in Quiot that lead to the higher risks ofaccidents. Or there were just fewer workers working in Panoply than in Quiot.If these are the main reasons leading to the gap of the number of accidents, the recommendation wouldn’t helpclose the gap.

the reason ... is due to 这个表达不对

the reason why is that the company has shorter work shifts ...

Or there were just fewer workers working in Panoply than in Quiot. 这个后面应该加一句

Further, it is also assumed that the Quiotworkers would have chance to get more sleep and not feel tired at the work timeby shortening the shifts. So many factors could also affect the amount of sleepand the energy level of the workers. To illustrate, some people might likestaying up playing computer games or hanging out with friends in the bars untilmid-nights. Thus these people prefer lifestyles that lead to sleep deprivation.Plus, some workers sometimes may have to take other part-time jobs in order toextra money probably because the salary paid by Quiot was too low. And it can alsoreduce the sleeping time and energy level of the workers. Consequently,adopting the recommendation would not achieve the initial goal if the sleepdeprivation and fatigue are caused by factors mentioned above.

根据王老师的建议增补了几个might, could之类的情态动词进去，增强推测性

likestaying up- likes to stay

Thus these people prefer -> In other words, these people may prefer ...

because the salary paid by Quiot was too low

probably because the salary paid by Quiot was too low

Finally, the author also assumed that thenumber of accidents will be reduced if workers get enough sleep. The proposalmay not reduce the number of accidents even if reducing the work can helpworkers sleep more. Some factors could also cause the accidents at Quiot. Forinstance, workers may lack necessary training about the self-protection or thesupervisors are derelict in their work. Or the facilities in Quiot needs to beupdated and thus reduce the risk of accidents. Accordingly, the recommendationshouldn’t be accepted unless there is no reason other than lack of sleep can causethe accidents.

2015/5/31  Second edition

My response:

According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem. This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council. To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.

先粘贴到notepad里再贴过来 可免去word里的格式

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh. Maybe the environmental problem in the Waymarsh becomes increasingly severe and thus renders more people move outside. Consequently, they spend much time on commuting to the work. Plus, the subjects in the two surveys may be different. For instance, maybe most of the subjects in the first survey are local people and have been living in the city center for a long time. While most of the subjects in the latter interview are new comers of the city and have to live far away from the city center where they work. Therefore, the commuting time of the latter subjects is incredibly longer than the former subjects. Thus, more information about the survey has to be given in order to correctly evaluate it.

move outside - move further away from the city center

In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garvile and how a similar policy will affect people's behaviors in Waymarsh. For instance, the government might also implemented a strict policy on industry in order to control the pollution emission from the factories and coal mines at the same time.  In other word, maybe the decrease of the pollution level was not caused by the rides-sharing policy. Further, more compelling evidence the arguer should give about whether the commute time in Garville was really decrease. The statement from residents is subjective and hence can't reflect the true fact precisely. Plus, even though the rides-sharing policy was effective in Garville, this policy may not be accepted by Waymarsh people, as most people live in Waymarsh are wealthy and thus concern more about privacy and safety.

might also implemented 这种问题要自己检查一下

In other words这句写得不错  

Further, more compelling evidence the arguer should give about whether the commute time in Garville was really decrease.  这个宾语前置看起来很高大上的样子 这个句型我不是很熟 你可以找几句范文给我看看  

was really decrease 这个低级语法错误把句子给毁了

Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road and project. The arguer failed to give evidence such as data to support his or her statement that constructing road is a less cost-effective way.  To illustrate, the road can be used for at least 30 years and thus it is an one-off investment. Compared with giving people coupons for free gas for 30 years, constructing road may even be a more cost-effective way. Additionally, the government can also give some compensation fees to people when constructing the roads, and this also might save much more money of the government. Accordingly, the author should give more quantative data to bolster his or her idea.

give evidence such as data 表达

the government can also give some compensation fees to people when constructing the roads, and this also might save much more money of the government.这句的意思有问题 提出赔偿的意义在于将隐形的成本转化为账面成本 然后和其他项目的成本做对比 你这个点写不出来的话 说compensation 就不通了

compensation fees 表达