[作文] 求大神改下作文 [复制链接]

山水1
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电梯直达

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发表于 2017-6-23 14:34:54 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At university and college, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and should receive equal financial support.

正文：
It is generally accepted that students at university and college always take part in various sports and social activities. Some people claim that participating in more sports and social activities will distract them from study, and then these activities should not receive equal financial support as classes. However, as an educational institution, university and college is supposed to shoulder the responsibility for students to develop as a well-rounded people.
In our modern society which is saturated with fierce competition, our students need to be not only good at their fields, but also skilled in social interaction. With the rapid development of science and technology, one single person is hard to accomplish a task only by means of cooperating with others who are specialist in other areas. Obviously, sports and social activities could easily afford students amount of opportunities to practice their social skills. Consider playing football in a team as an example. By playing football in a group, student could have a sense of belonging and fulfillment as well as experience team spirits, which are an essential part of their future career.
Apart from nurturing their team spirits, sports and social activity is a significant contribution for releasing their pressure. In order to survive in modern competition-oriental society, students not only have to accomplish the amount of homework assigned by teachers, but also have to make full use of (sacrifice their time at weekend) their time to attend extra-curricular training course. In a long term, even the most enthusiasm person would feel exhausted and tired. For instance, when I was in high school, I would play table tennis with my friends. That can keep me healthy and energetic as well as engender a stronger sense of camaraderie. I could feel self-refreshment and learn more effectively.
Admittedly, university should make it refer to put a premium on academic education and avoid students’ distraction by other sports and social activities. However, I still argue that sports and social activities are as important as classes and should receive equal financial support. Both of these fields are valued. In United States, almost all of famous universities provided the amount of financial supports for sports and social groups.
All in all, I maintain that universities and colleges should enough money on both academic education and social activities to promote students’ physical, mental and emotional development

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J.L.DR
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沙发

发表于 2017-7-23 13:16:16 |只看该作者

It is generally accepted that students at university and college always take part in various sports and social activities. Some people claim that participating in more sports and social activities will distract them from study, and then (这里so或者as a result 可能好一点) these activities should not receive equal financial support as classes. However, as an educational institution, university and college is（？） supposed to shoulder the responsibility for students to develop as a well-rounded people（a well-rounded person）.

In our modern society which is saturated with fierce competition, our students need to be not only good at their fields, but also skilled in social interaction. With the rapid development of science and technology, one single person is hard to accomplish a task only by means of cooperating with others who are specialist in other areas. Obviously, sports and social activities could easily afford students amount of opportunities (afford opportunity?) to practice their social skills. Consider playing football in a team as an example. By playing football in a group, student（plural？） could have a sense of belonging and fulfillment as well as experience team spirits, which are an essential part（is an essential part OR are essential parts ??） of their future career.

Apart from nurturing their team spirits, sports and social activity is a significant contribution for releasing their pressure. In order to survive in modern competition-oriental society, students not only have to accomplish the amount of homework assigned by teachers, but also have to make full use of (sacrifice their time at weekend) their time to attend extra-curricular training course (直接extra curriculum好了). In a long term, even the most enthusiasm （词性？）person would feel exhausted and tired. For instance, when I was in high school, I would play(would play OR played) table tennis with my friends. That can (tense) keep (感觉make更好一点)me healthy and energetic as well as engender a stronger sense of camaraderie(感觉有点怪怪的, camaraderie形容战友或者army life比较多，没有见过形容同学间的友情的). I could feel self-refreshment （这个词也很尴尬啊）and learn （learn什么东西，可以再明确一下）more effectively.

Admittedly, university should make it refer （prefer吗？） to put a premium on academic education and avoid students’ distraction by other sports and social activities. However, I still argue that sports and social activities are as important as classes and should receive equal financial support. Both of these fields are valued. In United States, almost all of famous universities provided the amount of financial supports for sports and social groups. （其实感觉让步段可以再展开一点，然后在结尾段再however, I still…）

All in all, I maintain that universities and colleges should （缺一个动词？）enough money on both academic education and social activities to promote students’ physical, mental and emotional development

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