0910AW SPECTACULAR之【同主题写作】第七期－－ARGUMENT167 [复制链接]

wildrose800331
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电梯直达

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发表于 2009-6-16 20:47:44 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 wildrose800331 于 2009-6-16 20:49 编辑

2009. 6. 16
20：05 (387 words) 40 mins
还是熬出来了
真的是油啊。。。

The author believes that lavender can cure insomnia in a short period of time. In support of this opinion, the arguer cites a recent study to show the effectiveness of the scent in lavender flowers for insomnia. However, the study itself is problematic and the presumption is hasty as well.
For one thing, there are self-evident flaws in the study. First, insomnia refers to difficulty to fall asleep and the quantity and quality of sleep below average. Whereas, the study did not cover the difficulty to fall asleep for the whole observed period, nor did it include the length of sleep for the first two weeks. It is also clear that the study only depended on the participants’ personal feeling as a criterion of the quality of sleep, which can not avoid subjectivity. Second, insomnia is known as a chronicle disease, which demands a long time to relieve and cure. The time span in the study was three weeks, which seems too short to draw a conclusion. Third, insomnia is a psychological illness. If given strong psychological signal or implications of the effect of lavender, the subjects in the study may exert a mental impact on the outcome. Another point should also be mentioned here, that the situation of volunteers in the third week can not directly ascribe to lavender. It was equally possible that because the subjects slept less soundly and felt tired in the first two weeks, they naturally slept more soundly because of instinct mechanics.
For another thing, it is oversimplified and groundless to assume that lavender can cure insomnia in a short period of time, even though lavender may have a positive influence on insomnia. It is commonly acknowledged in medical domain that having a facilitating effect is still distant away from relief, needless to say the effect of cure or even in a short period of time. To reach this end, the researchers need make further devotion to experimenting and testing.
In a nutshell, the conclusion reached in this argument is incomplete and thus doubtable. To fortify its strength, the arguer should give more details of the study to identify the effectiveness of lavender for insomnia. To make it more convincing, the author ought to list more evidence to substantiate the presumption of the curing effect of lavender in a limited time.

SPECTACULAR, 不是一个人在战斗, 写作, 主题

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xdjtf
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沙发

发表于 2009-6-17 12:19:03 |只看该作者

1# wildrose800331
The author believes that lavender can cure insomnia in a short period of time. In support of this opinion ( to support this opinion), the arguer cites a recent study to show the effectiveness of the scent in lavender flowers for insomnia. However, the study itself is problematic and the presumption(conclusion?) is hasty as well.
For one thing, there are self-evident flaws in the study. First, insomnia refers to difficulty to fall asleep and the quantity and quality of sleep below average. Whereas, the study did not cover the difficulty to fall asleep for(over?) the whole observed period, nor did it include the length of sleep for the first two weeks. It is also clear that the study only depended on the participants’ personal feeling as a criterion of the quality of sleep( reflect the degree of insomnia simply according to the participants' personal feelings), which can not avoid subjectivity. Second, insomnia is known as a chronicle disease, which demands a long time to (be relieved and cured)relieve and cure. The time span in the study was three weeks, which seems too short to draw a conclusion. Third, insomnia is a psychological illness. If given strong psychological signal or implications of the effect of lavender, the subjects in the study may exert a mental impact on the outcome. Another point should also be mentioned here, that the situation of volunteers in the third week can not directly ascribe to lavender. It was equally possible that because( result from/due to) the subjects slept less soundly and felt tired in the first two weeks, (and therefore)they naturally slept more soundly because of instinct mechanics.(论证方式，个人感觉还是一样的问题，多看看范文的论证，逻辑不是很严密。。）
For another thing, it is oversimplified and groundless to assume that lavender can cure insomnia in a short period of time, even though lavender may have a positive influence on insomnia. It is commonly acknowledged in medical domain that having a facilitating effect is still distant away from relief, needless to say the effect of cure or even in a short period of time（这个你不是上段已经驳斥过了么？。。3个星期不够。。）. To reach this end, the researchers need make further devotion to experimenting and testing.
In a nutshell, the conclusion reached in this argument is incomplete and thus doubtable. To fortify its strength, the arguer should give more details of the study to identify the effectiveness of lavender for insomnia. To make it more convincing, the author ought to list more evidence to substantiate the presumption of the curing effect of lavender in a limited time.
总的来说，上一篇写得还好一些，这一篇让我感觉你的论证真的不充分，不是很persuasive,我觉得你的观点明确，唯一缺乏的就是如果去persuade rater，我个人看了都觉得你的理由说出来了，但是说服力不够。

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wildrose800331
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板凳

发表于 2009-6-17 22:26:21 |只看该作者

The author believes that lavender can cure insomnia in a short period of time. In support of this opinion ( to support this opinion这种说法是可以的), the arguer cites a recent study to show the effectiveness of the scent in lavender flowers for insomnia. However, the study itself is problematic and the presumption(conclusion?还是deduction更好) is hasty as well.
For one thing, there are self-evident flaws in the study. First, insomnia refers to difficulty to fall asleep and the quantity and quality of sleep below average. Whereas, the study did not cover the difficulty to fall asleep for(该换over) the whole observed period, nor did it include the length of sleep for the first two weeks. It is also clear that the study only depended on the participants’ personal feeling as a criterion of the quality of sleep( reflect the degree of insomnia simply according to the participants' personal feeling表达更到位), which can not avoid subjectivity. Second,insomnia is a psychological illness. If given strong psychological signal or implications of the effect of lavender, the subjects in the study may exert a mental impact on the outcome. Another point should also be mentioned here, that the situation of volunteers in the third week can not directly ascribe to lavender. It was equally possible that because( result from/due to后面是个句子还是用because比较好) the subjects slept less soundly and felt tired in the first two weeks, (and therefore 这里就去掉吧)they naturally slept more soundly because of instinct mechanics.(论证方式，个人感觉还是一样的问题，多看看范文的论证，逻辑不是很严密。。偶其实是看了滴再去看吧）
For another thing, it is oversimplified and groundless to assume that lavender can cure insomnia in a short period of time, even though lavender may have a positive influence on insomnia. Insomnia is known as a chronicle disease, which demands a long time to (be relieved and cured赞同)relieve and cure. The time span in the study was three weeks, which seems too short to draw a conclusion.It is commonly acknowledged in medical domain that having a facilitating effect is still distant away from relief, needless to say the effect of cure or even in a short period of time（这个你不是上段已经驳斥过了么？。。3个星期不够。。调整一下看是否好点）. To reach this end, the researchers need make further devotion to experimenting and testing.
In a nutshell, the conclusion reached in this argument is incomplete and thus doubtable. To fortify its strength, the arguer should give more details of the study to identify the effectiveness of lavender for insomnia. To make it more convincing, the author ought to list more evidence to substantiate the presumption of the curing effect of lavender in a limited time.

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