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[i习作temp] Issue130 同主题socialize 觉得这次思路比较清晰，但超时了20分钟。（一定回拍 [复制链接]

chenh1207
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-3-17 15:19:09 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Issue130  同主题socialize  觉得这次思路比较清晰，但超时了20分钟。（一定回拍，请留下链接）
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户    共用时间：59分26秒    594 words
提纲：
PS：赞成第一句话，反对第二句话。即孩子的社会化决定社会的未来。我们不光已经找到了教育孩子的方法，而且还知道如何更有效的教育他们。
BODY：
1． Socialize 使得孩子被社会所接受，这有力于他们以后的发展，而社会的进步又得益于孩子的发展；
2． Socialize 使得社会的稳定性和持续性得以维持，这有利于建造美好社会；
3．从古代的斯巴达和雅典，人们就已经知道如何教育孩子社会化，并且取得成就；
4．现在的教育的普及和人们观念的更新，人们创造了更好的条件和机会来培养孩子的socialize。
------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
When we consider the benefit of both the improvement for the children and the continuity for our society, I hereby definitely agree that the socialization for our children is crucial to the destiny of society.  And I think the speaker's worry of the way that we cultivate our children is unnecessary, and actually not only have we learn how to raise the children, but also we have found a better and efficient way for them. Followings are the reasons why I state that position.

To begin with, that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of the society can be concluded in two aspects: one is that the ability of socializing is the fundamental factor for children to step into society, and the other one is that socializing can make sure the stability and continuity of our society. For one thing, socializing means that our society helps our children prepare and be accepted by the public. We all know that if we want to achieve something desirable for us, we sometimes have to comprise or maybe concede in some degree, which are two components in the process of socializing. Why? It is because the mechanism of society is depend on the collective, not self-desire. In other words, only through the socialization, we can know this point, exercise this principle and eventually benefit ourselves.

For another, socializing can keep our culture and social value by being passed down from generation to generation. When we enter schools, we are taught the discipline, order and obedience which play an indispensable role on constructing the stability of our society. And through the influence from the family and peers, we get to know that society requires us to be limited in some extent and should obey the social habit to pursue our achievements. Thus we, more or less purposely, follow the culture and social value, so transmit our tradition with less changed. That illustrates that socializing is more likely to be an extensive method for enforcement which can guide our conducts and establish a continual society.

Have we already learned how to raise children to socialize? In my opinion, the answer is "yes". Not only have we learned the method to cultivate children to socializing, but also we have already reached a high level to raise our children. Raising children for their socialization can be dated from the Sparta period. At that time when the boys were born, their parents began to train and teach them the discipline, order, physical prowess and military tactics. Their parents hoped their children could be qualified for a solider which was an essential symbol for boys to be accepted by the public. And their neighborhoods, the Athens instilled arts, literacy and philosophy to their offspring, because all of these skills were regarded as basic methods for their communicating with others and for their survival in society.

Nowadays with the improvement of technology and education, we have much more educational opportunities and advance instruments to let our children continue studying the ability of socializing from the kindergartens to primary schools and even universities. Compared with the past that the children only got their ambiguous concept of socializing from their parents or neighbors, however, our children of 21st century can obtain more sources of information related to socializing, more opportunities to get through knowledge and more professional advices about the gist of a successful socializing. So it is true that our children can be better raised and educated, who can help bring about a better society with the current circumstance.

In sum, the children's ability of socializing can shape the future of our society and also help guide themselves well-prepared for the impending society. In addition, we should continue to devote our strengths and brilliances to improve a much better education system to shape their social ability.

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chenh1207
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沙发

发表于 2005-3-17 20:46:09 |只看该作者

沉底了，自己up一下。
拍我者，我定拍他。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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medwin
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板凳

发表于 2005-3-18 10:14:37 |只看该作者

When we consider the benefit of both the improvement for the children and the continuity for of our society, I hereby definitely agree that the socialization for our children is crucial to the destiny of society. And I think the speaker's worry of the way that we cultivate our children is unnecessary, and actually not only have we learn how to raise the children, but also we have found a better and efficient way for them. Followings are the reasons why I state that position.
观点明确
To begin with, that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of the society can be concluded in two aspects: one is that the ability of socializing is the fundamental factor for children to step into society, and the other one这个one可以不要 is that socializing can make sure the stability and continuity of our society.这样分析很透彻，不错 For one thing, socializing means that our society helps our children prepare and be accepted by the public. We all know that if we want to achieve something desirable for us, we sometimes have to comprise or maybe concede in some degree, which are two components in the process of socializing. Why? It is because the mechanism of society is depend on the collective, not self-desire. In other words, only through the socialization, we can know this point, exercise this principle and eventually benefit ourselves. 意思还是很清晰的，只不过社会化还包括合作与竞争等等重要的components，因此感觉似乎论述面窄了一些

For another,这个for another和B1中的for one thing对应似乎不太好，显得层次错位，不妨上一段从for one thing就另起一段 socializing can keep our culture and social value by being passed down from generation to generation. When we enter schools, we are taught the discipline, order and obedience which play an indispensable role on constructing the stability of our society. And through the influence from the family and peers, we get to know that society requires us to be limited in some extent and should obey the social habit to pursue our achievements. Thus we, more or less purposely, follow the culture and social value, so transmit our tradition with less changed. That illustrates that socializing is more likely to be an extensive method for enforcement which can guide our conducts and establish a continual society.

Have we already learned how to raise children to socialize? In my opinion, the answer is "yes". Not only have we learned the method to cultivate children to socializingto后面接ing有问题, but also we have already reached a high level to raise our children. Raising children for their socialization can be dated from the Sparta period. At that time when the boys were born, their parents began to train and teach them the discipline, order, physical prowess and military tactics. Their parents hoped their children could be qualified for a solider which was an essential symbol for boys to be accepted by the public. And their neighborhoods, the Athens instilled arts, literacy and philosophy to their offspring, because all of these skills were regarded as basic methods for their communicating with others and for their survival in society.应该补充论述一下，他们这样教育小孩有助于他们社会的发展…

Nowadays with the improvement of technology and education, we have much more educational opportunities and advance instruments to let our children continue studying the ability of socializing from the kindergartens to primary schools and even universities. Compared with the past that the children only got their ambiguous concept of socializing from their parents or neighbors, however, our children of 21st century can obtain more sources of information related to socializing, more opportunities to get through knowledge and more professional advices about the gist of a successful socializing. So it is true that our children can be better raised and educated, who can help bring about a better society with the current circumstance.

In sum, the children's ability of socializing can shape the future of our society and also help guide themselves well-prepared for the impending society. In addition, we should continue to devote our strengths and brilliancesbrilliance是光辉，用intelligence to improve a much better education system to shape their social ability.
语言流畅，词汇挺丰富。对于ability of socializing（即B1的论述），我认为它对于destiny of the society的影响应该论述，只说我们需要ability of socializing是不够的

我的issue，帮忙拍砖，必回拍

issue130 同主题社会化及教育
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=256323
issue144 同主题艺术类
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=255319
issue193 政治类
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=254995
issue235 关于忠诚
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=253942
issue204 学习类
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=253019
issue153 学习类
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=251782
issue34 教育类
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=251538

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枫丹
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地板

发表于 2005-3-18 13:29:42 |只看该作者

我占个位子, 尽快给你过来,我也是4.14 多多交流

我的目标：永不止步！

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枫丹
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5楼

发表于 2005-3-18 14:03:23 |只看该作者

------题目------
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
------正文------
When we consider the benefit of both the improvement for the children and the continuity for our society, I hereby definitely agree that the socialization for our children is crucial to the destiny of society.（这句逻辑好象不太通啊） And I think the speaker's worry of the way that we cultivate our children is unnecessary, and actually not only have we learn （learnt）how to raise the children, but also we have found a better and efficient way for them. Followings are the reasons why I state that position.

To begin with, that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of the society can be concluded in two aspects: one is that the ability of socializing is the fundamental factor for children to step into society, and the other one is that socializing can make sure the stability and continuity of our society. For one thing, socializing means that our society helps our children prepare and be accepted by the public. We all know that if we want to achieve something desirable for us, we sometimes have to comprise or maybe concede in some degree, which are two components in the process of socializing. Why? It is because the mechanism of society is depend (is 去掉)on the collective, not self-desire. In other words, only through the socialization, we can know this point, exercise this principle and eventually benefit ourselves.
这一段，你没有论述清楚，为什么： “if we want to achieve something desirable for us” means what? 如果我们妥协让步就会让社会保证社会的稳定性和发展吗？他们是如何保证的呢？单单是因为社会机制在于collective，collective到底代表什么，就代表妥协让步吗？你论述的思路我能明白，但是感觉这些关系你没说清楚，而且象collective这种抽象的词，最好要说清楚。

For another, socializing can keep our culture and social value by being passed down from generation to generation. （前后逻辑主语不一致）When we enter schools, we are taught the discipline, order and obedience which play an indispensable role（play a role in ） on constructing the stability of our society. And through the influence from the family and peers, we get to know that society requires us to be limited in some extent（to some extent介词问题） and should obey the social habit to pursue our achievements. Thus we, more or less purposely, follow the culture and social value, so transmit our tradition with less changed. That illustrates that socializing is more likely to be an extensive method for enforcement which can guide our conducts and establish a continual society.是不是应该说清楚和destiny 的关系，保证了社会的文化和社会价值，对于社会的作用应该论述清楚吧。

Have we already learned how to raise children to socialize? In my opinion, the answer is "yes". Not only have we learned the method to cultivate children to socializing, but also we have already reached a high level to raise our children. Raising children for their socialization can be dated from the Sparta period. At that time when the boys were born, their parents began to train and teach them the discipline, order, physical prowess and military tactics. Their parents hoped their children could be qualified for a solider which was an essential symbol for boys to be accepted by the public. And their neighborhoods, the Athens instilled arts, literacy and philosophy to their offspring, because all of these skills were regarded as basic methods for their communicating with others and for their survival in society.（动名词做状语用的有点乱啊）这段层次感还是好的

Nowadays with the improvement of technology and education, we have much more educational opportunities and advance instruments to let our children continue studying the ability of socializing from the kindergartens to primary schools and even universities. Compared with the past that the children only got their ambiguous concept of socializing from their parents or neighbors, however, our children of 21st century can obtain more sources of information related to socializing, more opportunities to get through knowledge and more professional advices about the gist of a successful socializing. So it is true that our children can be better raised and educated, who can help bring about a better society with the current circumstance.(what opportunity it is, how we get ?这段缺少说服性的例证)

In sum, the children's ability of socializing can shape the future of our society and also help guide themselves well-prepared for the impending society. In addition, we should continue to devote our strengths and brilliances to improve a much better education system to shape their social ability.
我认为你的论证思路还是清晰的，可是重点没把好，到底儿童的社会化，对社会的作用，你只论述了一点，并且没有展开的说，个人意见
我也写了一篇，感觉思路有些混乱，我们可以讨论一下：）

我的目标：永不止步！

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鬼谷子
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6楼

发表于 2005-3-20 14:04:00 |只看该作者

献吻。。。

鬼Ghost
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lianglcl05
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7楼

发表于 2005-3-20 16:17:16 |只看该作者

When we consider the benefit of both the improvement for the children and the continuity for our society, I hereby definitely agree that the socialization for our children is crucial to the destiny of society. And I think the speaker's worry of the way that we cultivate our children is unnecessary, and actually not only have we learnlearned how to raise the children, but also we have found a better and efficient way for them. Followings are the reasons why I state that position.

To begin with, that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of the society can be concluded in two aspects: one is that the ability of socializing is the fundamental factor for children to step into society, and the other one is that socializing can make sure the stability and continuity of our society. For one thing, socializing means that our society helps our children prepare and be accepted by the publicbe prepared for the society. We all know that if we want to achieve something desirable for us, we sometimes have to comprise好像是compromise or maybeand concede in some degree, which are two components in the process of socializing. Why? It is because The reason is thatthe mechanism of society is dependdepended on the collective, not self-desire少点东西. In other words, only through the socialization, we can know this point, exercise this principle and eventually benefit ourselves.

For another, socializing can keep our culture and social value by being passed［passing］ down from generation to generation. When we enter schools, we are taught the discipline, order and obedience which play an indispensable role on constructing the stability of our society. And throughunder the influence from the family and peers, we get to know that society requires us to be limited into some extent and should obey the social habit to pursue our achievements. Thus we, more or less purposely, following the culture and social value, so去掉 transmit our tradition with less changed. That［this好像好些］ illustrates that socializing is more likely to be an extensive method for enforcement which can guide our conducts and establish a continual society.感觉说理还是有些不清楚。上面讲了对个人的影响，我想这里可以直接过渡过来。本段就显得有些赘。而且感觉socialize 好像还是有些偏。上面你说了要进行一些妥协，也就是学会考虑他人，所以社会就会和谐一些。自己看法

Have we already learned how to raise children to socialize? In my opinion, the answer is "yes". Not only have we learned the method to cultivate children to socializing, but also we have already reached a high level to raise［in raising］ our children. Raising children for their socialization can be dated from the Sparta period. At that time when the boys were born, their parents began to train and teach them the discipline, order, physical prowess 和socialize 无关and military tactics. Their parents hoped their children could be qualified for a solider which was an essential symbol for boys to be accepted by the public. And their neighborhoods, the Athens instilled arts, literacy and philosophy to their offspring［s］, because all of these skills were regarded as basic methods［requirements］ for their communicating with others and for their survival in society.感觉例子有点偏，也没有体现和社会什么关系，只是个人。

Nowadays with the improvement of technology and education, we have much more educational opportunities好像谓语连不上 and advance［d］ instruments to let our children continue studying［developing］ the ability of socializing from the kindergartens to primary schools and even universities. Compared with the past that the children only got their ambiguous concept of socializing from their parents or neighbors, however, our children of 21st century can obtain more sources of information related to socializing, more opportunities to get through knowledge and more professional advices about the gist of a successful socializing. So it is true that our children can be better raised and educated, who can help bring about a better society with the current circumstance.

In sum, the children's ability of socializing can shape the future of our society and also help guide themselves well-prepared for the impending society. In addition, we should continue to devote our strengths and brilliances to improve a much better education system to shape their social ability.由你的主体，认为现在已经做的很好了，在这里又说better,好像是在说前面有些不足啊。

个人的一点拙见，可能有不对的地方。我也是4月14的作文，现在感觉还是很晕。昨天写的也是这个题目，今天改的，而且思路和观点与你的非常像。有空也帮我看看吧，提点建议。
http://edu.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=257295

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