[a习作temp] Argument7 有几分呀? [复制链接]

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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-3-24 00:12:18 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ARGUMENT7 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Clearview newspaper.

"In the next mayoral election, residents of Clearview should vote for Ann Green, who is a member of the Good Earth Coalition, rather than for Frank Braun, a member of the Clearview town council, because the current members are not protecting our environment. For example, during the past year the number of factories in Clearview has doubled, air pollution levels have increased, and the local hospital has treated 25 percent more patients with respiratory illnesses. If we elect Ann Green, the environmental problems in Clearview will certainly be solved."
WORDS: 427 TIME: 0:34:47 DATE: 2007-3-24

The author asserts that environmental problems in Clearview will be solved by electing Ann Green as mayor. However, since the author fails to give firm evidence on the assumptions he/she has made, the conclusion is unpersuasive as it stands.

First, there is little evidence contributing to the assumption that Clearview town council has not made efforts to protect the environment, thus the environmental problems all around. The increase of number of factories may be because of high supports of other group to build more factories to develop industry which directly leads to the increase of air pollution levels. However, on such case, the town council holds an opposite opinion. Also, the increase of people suffering from respiratory illnesses may not be the results of environmental problems, instead, is because of sudden change of the temperature, or because more and more people are moving here. Either case may perfectly indicate the innocent of town council in neglecting environmental protection.

Further, even though the town council did make no efforts in protecting the environment, this does not mean Frank Braun supports such behavior. Since the author does not provide any evidence to show Frank Braun's attitude toward this fact, it is entirely possible that Frank has strongly struggled against such behavior, keeping arguing about the importance of protecting the environment. However, his suggestion was not accepted by the council. If so, the election of Frank may mean much care about environmental problems and effective protections.

Finally, even we admit that Frank Braun does not pay enough attention to environmental protection, voting for Ann Green may not be able to make things better. After all, there is little evidence to show Good Earth Coalition and Ann's attitude toward environmental protection, hence, we can never ignore such possibility that Ann also thinks it unnecessary to do much on protecting environment, and highly evaluates Clearview town council's former behaviors, preparing to follow their example. If so, voting for Ann may also turn out to be a huge mistake. And also, we can never neglect the possible existence of other candidates, who may be more suitable to be the mayor and will more effectively handle the problems.

In sum, lacking enough evidence to support the author's assumptions makes this final conclusions far from convincing. If the author tries to make it more reasonable, a series of evidence to show Frank's relevance to the ignorance of environmental protection and the causal relationship between town council's behaviors and the environmental problems. Moreover, detailed evidence on Ann's capability to solve environmental problems should also be offered.

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绝望的人流浪
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沙发

发表于 2007-3-24 00:33:37 |只看该作者

The author asserts that environmental problems in Clearview will be solved by electing Ann Green as mayor. However, since the author fails to give firm evidence on the assumptions he/she has made, the conclusion is unpersuasive as it stands. （我现在也归依简洁开头了）

First, there is little evidence contributing to the assumption that Clearview town council has not made efforts to protect the environment, thus the environmental problems all around. The increase of number of factories may be because of high supports of other group to build more factories to develop industry which directly leads to the increase of air pollution levels.（这句话的前半句不流畅，好像有点语法问题） However, on such case, the town council holds an opposite opinion.（今天刚刚看了说However后面是强调自己看法的） Also, the increase of people suffering from respiratory illnesses may not be the results of environmental problems, instead, is because of sudden change of the temperature, or because more and more people are moving here. Either case may perfectly indicate the innocent of town council in neglecting environmental protection.

Further, even though the town council did make no efforts in protecting the environment, this does not mean Frank Braun supports such behavior. Since the author does not provide any evidence to show Frank Braun's attitude toward this fact, it is entirely possible that Frank has strongly struggled against such behavior, keeping arguing about the importance of protecting the environment. However, his suggestion was not accepted by the council. If so, the election of Frank may mean much care about environmental problems and effective protections.（这段找不到毛病）

Finally, even we admit that Frank Braun does not pay enough attention to environmental protection, voting for Ann Green may not be able to make things better. After all, there is little evidence to show Good Earth Coalition and Ann's attitude toward environmental protection, hence, we can never ignore such possibility that Ann also thinks it unnecessary to do much on protecting environment, （这个可能不大吧）and highly evaluates Clearview town council's former behaviors, preparing to follow their example. If so, voting for Ann may also turn out to be a huge mistake. And also, we can never neglect the possible existence of other candidates, who may be more suitable to be the mayor and will more effectively handle the problems.（我感觉这个攻击问题的角度有点偏，去攻击她可能身不由已会好些）

In sum, lacking enough evidence to support the author's assumptions makes this final conclusions far from convincing. If the author tries to make it more reasonable, a series of evidence to show Frank's relevance to the ignorance of environmental protection and the causal relationship between town council's behaviors and the environmental problems. Moreover, detailed evidence on Ann's capability to solve environmental problems should also be offered.（看过范文讲解，说结尾也要简洁些为好。如果不是凑字数用）

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iq28
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板凳

发表于 2007-3-24 01:23:52 |只看该作者

The author asserts that environmental problems in Clearview will be solved by electing Ann Green as mayor. However, since the author fails to give firm evidence on the assumptions he/she has made, the conclusion is unpersuasive as it stands.

First, there is little evidence contributing to the assumption that Clearview town council has not made efforts to protect the environment, (这个ts不好.我们要反驳的是个人不环保.不是反驳某个机构如何如何.反驳机构也是为了反驳个人而用) thus (用这个转接的词?) the environmental problems all around. The increase of number of factories may be because (语法) of high supports of other group to build more factories to develop industry which directly leads to the increase of air pollution levels. (句法) (又看了一遍句法好像没问题.不过实在没有必要用这么强大的句式吧...看了晕的:( ) However, on such case, the town council holds an opposite opinion. (完全没有明白什么意思.尤其在看了上上一句话之后) Also, the increase of people suffering from respiratory illnesses may not be the results of environmental problems, instead, is because of sudden change of the temperature, or because more and more people are moving here. (只用说人口上升就ok了.不用再说人搬过来) Either case may perfectly indicate the innocent of town council in neglecting environmental protection. (实在没看懂你前半部分攻击的是什么)

Further, even though the town council did make no efforts in protecting the environment, this does not mean Frank Braun supports such behavior. (连续两个段落都在攻击FB是不是支持环保的问题.别的严重错误的时间就太少啦.而且这个段落不容易展开,不如跟上面一个段落合并在一起.联合攻击FB不支持环保的观念.) Since the author does not provide any evidence to show Frank Braun's attitude toward this fact, it is entirely possible that Frank has strongly struggled against such behavior, keeping arguing about the importance of protecting the environment. However, his suggestion was not accepted by the council. (其实你展开得不错...不过总觉得这种展开...或者可以倒打一耙,说就是因为FB在那个什么团体里面权力不够,所以无法伸张他的意见,所以更加应该选择他,给与他权力) If so, the election of Frank may mean much care about environmental problems and effective protections.

Finally, even we admit that Frank Braun does not pay enough attention to environmental protection, voting for Ann Green may not be able to make things better. After all, there is little evidence to show Good Earth Coalition and Ann's attitude toward environmental protection, hence, we can never ignore such possibility that Ann also thinks it unnecessary to do much on protecting environment, and highly evaluates Clearview town council's former behaviors, preparing to follow their example. (展开其实不错了) If so, voting for Ann may also turn out to be a huge mistake. And also, we can never neglect the possible existence of other candidates, who may be more suitable to be the mayor and will more effectively handle the problems. (又是一个纠缠于某人某机构是否环保的段落.不好.最后一句其实应该单独来开再成立一个段落.讨论别的人选,还有选举要考虑的其他因素)

In sum, lacking enough evidence to support the author's assumptions makes this final conclusions far from convincing. If the author tries to make it more reasonable, a series of evidence to show Frank's relevance to the ignorance of environmental protection and the causal relationship between town council's behaviors and the environmental problems. Moreover, detailed evidence on Ann's capability to solve environmental problems should also be offered.

个人觉得漏掉两个其他类型的还是比较严重的错误
就算某人是环保支持者
他的上任就能真的解决环境问题了吗?

就算他能解决环保问题
选举真的就只要考虑某个人是否能够解决环保问题吗?

整个文章都在说某个人某个机构是否支持环保问题
看了难免觉得单调.
错误找得不是非常好
段内攻击除了第一段的前半部分看得我很晕
别的都还不错
加油