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大家讨论一下为什么这篇ETS范文只有4分？ [复制链接]

zdfelix
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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-3-18 12:57:39 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument.
The University of Claria is generally considered one of the best universities in the world because of its instructors' reputation, which is based primarily on the extensive research and publishing record of certain faculty members.  In addition, several faculty members are internationally renowned as leaders in their fields.  For example, many of the faculty from the English department are regularly invited to teach at universities in other countries.  Furthermore, two recent graduates of the physics department have gone on to become candidates for the Nobel Prize in Physics.  And 75 percent of the students are able to find employment after graduating.  Therefore, because of the reputation of its faculty, the University of Claria should be the obvious choice for anyone seeking a quality education.
(score 4)
The argument states that anyone who is looking for a quality education should choose The Universtiy of Claria based on the instructors they have to offer.  The argument assumes that students can learn better from faculty members who are internationally renowned and who have been invited to universities in other countries to teach.  The proof of their argument rests on the fact that two recent graduates have been candidates for the Nobel Prize in Physics, and that 75 percent of their graduates find employment upon graduation.

According to the argument, strong faculty members help determine the quality of education that a student will recieve at a particular institution.  The passage does not clearly state whether or not the faculty members that were included in the research were actually instructors.  Neither does it offer any examples of the variables and procedures of the research. Assuming that the faculty members are actually instructors, their assumption would be a fair, for the students in the English and Physics departments.  However, these examples are vague and would not allow a fair determination.

This argument does compare the findings with other universities which may compete.  It assumes that a 75 percent graduate employment rate is one of the best employment rates of all schools, and that it is the only school whose graduates have been nominated for a Nobel Prize.  It also doesn't say whether or not the graduates nominated actually won the Nobel Prize, and in fact, a candidate from another university may have done better.

The argument is not strong enough to be convincing to the reader.  It needs to have more background information as to the type of research conducted to make the assumption, and it needs to have more examples of the strength of the faculty members and graduates.  Finally, it needs to have comparisons with other universities and their competing credentials

COMMENTARY
While the first paragraph of this adequate response merely summarizes the argument, the remainder of the essay identifies and analyzes several significant flaws in the argument.  The second paragraph intelligently questions whether the "renowned" faculty members actually teach; if so, the essay notes, the claim that Claria offers "a quality education" would still only be true for some departments.  This is a relevant critique, but thinly developed and described with less clarity than is expected of a 5 essay.

The third paragraph continues to critique the argument's faulty logic.  The writer points out that the employment statistic is deceptive since it hasn't been compared to rates at other universities, and that the argument never establishes that the "two recent graduates" won the Nobel Prize.  These are apt criticisms, but minimally developed.

Organization is clear and logical, even better than adequate.  The writer generally exhibits sufficient control, but awkward sentences and unclear pronoun referents (".their assumption would be a fair," ".it needs to have comparisons with other universities and their competing credentials") demonstrate only adequate fluency.  For these reasons, the paper deserves a score of 4.

感觉很多北美范文也就这样。
什么叫thinly developed, 是不是要把反例解释清楚？还是。。。。

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Looney
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沙发

发表于 2007-3-18 13:11:07 |只看该作者

北美范文写的充实多了啊
他只是笼统的说了一下“原文没说是否由于......”，后面应该把存在的可能性说出来，会分析透彻点

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zdfelix
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板凳

发表于 2007-3-18 13:54:40 |只看该作者

没有啊？我觉得有些北美范文比这个还差，除了字数多了点，比如以下一段

Next, the editorial cites studies showing that young children exposed to violent images are more likely to behave violently in the home. this evidence would support the editorial's conclusion only if the teenagers and younger children react similarly to television. However, common sense tells me that younger children are more likely than teenages to mimic observed behavior. Moreover, the editorial fails to provide any evidence that this sort of mimicry ultimately develops into violent criminal behavior.

感觉一点也不够生动，具体。到处都是指责arguer fails to provide evidence这样的话, 我也知道arguer缺少 evident但是为什么，你的那个反例就有说服力？我觉得很多北美范文都这样。而这篇4分范文，除了没有具体展开，为什么可以反驳作者。作者应该怎么考虑以外。其他的都还可以的啊

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aliyah
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地板

发表于 2007-3-18 13:58:18 |只看该作者

文章感觉有些空...

keep holding on...

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ILOVEISSUE
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5楼

发表于 2007-3-18 14:00:14 |只看该作者

北美范文也不是每篇都可以拿六分的

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zdfelix
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6楼

发表于 2007-3-18 14:02:13 |只看该作者

原帖由 aliyah 于 2007-3-18 13:58 发表
文章感觉有些空...

是不是写argument的时候攻击一个错误的时候反例举得越多越好，还是攻击越多的错误好？
感觉很多ETS 6分就靠大量反例，反问句来重点攻击一个到两个错误，其他的没有develop
不过这些6分作文结构确实严谨的，我感觉

[ 本帖最后由 zdfelix 于 2007-3-18 14:16 编辑 ]

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