[a习作temp] Argument162 你拍我一定拍你~ [复制链接]

nuaasky
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-8-18 18:20:46 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Argument162 381words
A recent study shows that people living on the continent of North America suffer 9 times more chronic fatigue and 31 times more chronic depression than do people living on the continent of Asia. Interestingly, Asians, on average, eat 20 grams of soy per day, whereas North Americans eat virtually none. It turns out that soy contains phytochemicals called isoflavones, which have been found to possess disease-preventing properties. Thus, North Americans should consider eating soy on a regular basis as a way of preventing fatigue and depression.

In order to find the reason why Asians suffer less depression and fatigue than North Americans, the author pays his attention to their different kinds of food. It is an incontrovertible approach but he concludes his argument too hastily and ungrounded.

We first cast our doubts on the isoflavones which soy contains. As it is mentioned in the report, this substance has been found to possess disease-preventing properties. However, in common sense, disease-preventing properties is different from fatigue-preventing or depression-preventing properties. Whether or not isoflavones can help to prevent fatigue or depression is unclear. The author failed to provide enough evidence to prove that.

Not only the facts the author presents can not indicate the connection between isoflavones and fatigue or depression preventing, but also whether isoflavones can contributes directly to the low level of fatigue and depression of Asians is skeptical. As we all know, Asians have much distinction from North Americans, not only they may eat more soy, but also they have other custom ,another culture types and religion beliefs. How we can only see this question from only one kind of food? In fact, many Asians like Chinese and Japanese believe Buddhism, which contains doctrine that describes many ways to help people release fatigue and depression. The report is also weakened by the facts people of East Asia and of West Asia have different living conditions which may cause different feeling of fatigue and depression.

Furthermore, the report is vague at that point about the constitution of the people it investigated. Are all these people work the same job or not? Are these people works for a same level of salaries? The level of salary is an important factor that may lead to different feeling of fatigue and depression. Also, the portion of male and female is not mentioned but men and women may have different ability to endure fatigue and depression.

To conclude a more scientific conclusion, the author should have more research on the properties of isoflavones. The author also needs to do research on North Americans of similar backgrounds, similar types of work, similar level of salaries, and separate them into two groups of people that one group take isoflavones and another not, to see whether isoflavones is an effective substance may help North Americans overcome fatigue and depressions.

你拍我一定给你互拍~

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roughman
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沙发

发表于 2009-8-19 23:31:35 |只看该作者

In order to find the reason why Asians suffer less depression and fatigue than North Americans, the author pays his attention to their different kinds of food. Among the discoveries, there are some evidence, however turning out to be too hastily concluded and unwarranted.It is an incontrovertible approach but he concludes his argument too hastily and ungrounded.

We first cast our doubts on the isoflavones which soy contains. As it is mentioned in the report, this substance has been found to possess (用are assumed to have )disease-preventing properties. However, the author fails to prove its use in preventing fatigue. In common sense, disease-preventing properties is totally different from fatigue-preventing or depression-preventing properties. Whether or not isoflavones can help to prevent fatigue or depression is unclear. Therefore The author failed to provide enough evidence to prove that.

Not only the facts the author presents can not indicate the connection between isoflavones and fatigue or depression preventing, *(就直接不要说了)but also whether Nor can isoflavones can contributes directly to the low level of fatigue and depression of Asians is skeptical. As we all know, there are lots of factors to explain the reason for less fatigue. Asians have much distinction from North Americans, not only they may eat more soy, but also they have other custom ,another culture types and religion beliefs. How we can only see this question from only one kind of food? In fact, many Asians like Chinese and Japanese believe Buddhism, which contains doctrine that describes many ways to help people release fatigue and depression.(太复杂了吧，还是别说了) The report is also weakened by the facts people of East Asia and of West Asia have different living conditions which may cause different feeling of fatigue and depression.

Furthermore, the report is vague at that point about the constitution of the people it investigated. Are all these people work the same job or not? Are these people works for a same level of salaries? The level of salary is an important factor that may lead to different feeling of fatigue and depression. Also, the portion of male and female is not mentioned but men and women may have different ability to endure fatigue and depression.

To conclude a more scientific conclusion, the author should have more research on the properties of isoflavones. The author also needs to do research on North Americans of similar backgrounds, similar types of work, similar level of salaries, and separate them into two groups of people that one group take isoflavones and another not, to see whether isoflavones is an effective substance may help North Americans overcome fatigue and depressions.

橙色是建议删除的，粗体是我加上去的，总体不错，逻辑清晰。修改为个人意见，继续努力！
如有机会帮我也comment下，我的网址是https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=998055&amp

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gottlieb
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板凳

发表于 2009-8-20 00:11:42 |只看该作者

A recent study shows that people living on the continent of North America suffer 9 times more chronic fatigue and 31 times more chronic depression than do people living on the continent of Asia. Interestingly, Asians, on average, eat 20 grams of soy per day, whereas North Americans eat virtually none. It turns out that soy contains phytochemicals called isoflavones, which have been found to possess disease-preventing properties. Thus, North Americans should consider eating soy on a regular basis as a way of preventing fatigue and depression.

In order to find the reason why Asians suffer less depression and fatigue than North Americans, the author pays his attention to their different kinds of food.（概括，简练） It is an incontrovertible approach but he concludes his argument too hastily and ungrounded.

We first cast our doubts on the isoflavones which soy contains. As it is mentioned in the report, this substance has been found to possess disease-preventing properties. However, in common sense, disease-preventing properties is different from fatigue-preventing or depression-preventing properties. Whether or not isoflavones can help to prevent fatigue or depression is unclear. The author failed to provide enough evidence to prove that.（是不是说成防止disease和fatigue and depression上没有直接的relationship，所以这个不成立？而不是用common sense说）

Not only the facts the author presents can not indicate the connection between isoflavones and fatigue or depression preventing（这段都说了connection了，上段只是说different 应该改改上段吧！）, but also whether isoflavones can contributes directly to the low level of fatigue and depression of Asians is skeptical. As we all know, Asians have much distinction from North Americans, not only they may eat more soy, but also they have other custom ,another culture types and religion beliefs. How we can only see this question from only one kind of food? In fact, many Asians like Chinese and Japanese believe Buddhism, which contains doctrine that describes many ways to help people release fatigue and depression. The report is also weakened by the facts people of East Asia and of West Asia have different living conditions which may cause different feeling of fatigue and depression.（这段你是想说除了饮食以外还有其他的因素去影响depression and fatigue，感觉你写的太主观，而且有例子就不用了吧，大家一般很少具具体的例子，在argument里面，如果把different conditions展开一下写成排比是不是比现在字数更多一些？更雄辩些？社会体制，思维方式，宗教，家庭关系，工作压力，饮食当然除了soy的。总而言之你想攻击他片面的弱点）

Furthermore, the report is vague at that point about the constitution of the people it investigated. Are all these people work the same job or not? Are these people works for a same level of salaries? The level of salary is an important factor that may lead to different feeling of fatigue and depression. Also, the portion of male and female is not mentioned but men and women may have different ability to endure fatigue and depression.（想说investigation的unsound对吧？可是没有说出investigation不成立之后的结果，那就是argument的结果是不成立的。）

To conclude a more scientific conclusion, the author should have more research on the properties of isoflavones. The author also needs to do research on North Americans of similar backgrounds, similar types of work, similar level of salaries, and separate them into two groups of people that one group take isoflavones and another not, to see whether isoflavones is an effective substance may help North Americans overcome fatigue and depressions.

这是我的argument 麻烦你去拍拍https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=998063&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Dtype%26amp%3Btypeid%3D102

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cuteberry
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地板

发表于 2009-8-20 00:56:34 |只看该作者

Argument162 381words
A recent study shows that people living on the continent of North America suffer 9 times more chronic fatigue and 31 times more chronic depression than do people living on the continent of Asia. Interestingly, Asians, on average, eat 20 grams of soy per day, whereas（是否可以用while?） North Americans eat virtually none. It turns out that soy contains phytochemicals called isoflavones, which have been found to possess disease-preventing properties. Thus, North Americans should consider eating soy on a regular basis as a way of preventing fatigue and depression. （转述原文部分是不是有点长了啊？）In order to find the reason why Asians suffer less depression and fatigue than North Americans, the author pays his attention to their different kinds of food. It is an incontrovertible approach but he concludes his argument too hastily and ungrounded.

We first cast our doubts on the isoflavones which soy contains. As it is mentioned in the report, this substance has been found to possess disease-preventing properties. However, in common sense, disease-preventing properties is different from fatigue-preventing or depression-preventing properties. Whether or not isoflavones can help to prevent fatigue or depression is unclear. The author failed to provide enough evidence to prove that.（此段的论述不够充分）

Not only the facts the author presents can not indicate the connection between isoflavones and fatigue or depression preventing, but also whether isoflavones can contributes directly to the low level of fatigue and depression of Asians is skeptical. （感觉这个not only but also中间部分加的内容有点长了，另外这段和上段说的是不是论点有点重复呢？）As we all know, Asians have much distinction from North Americans, not only they may eat more soy, but also they have other custom （customs）,another culture types and religion beliefs. How we can only see this question from only one kind of food? In fact, many Asians like Chinese and Japanese believe Buddhism, which contains doctrine that describes many ways to help people release fatigue and depression. The report is also weakened by the facts people of East Asia and of West Asia have different living conditions which may cause different feeling（feelings） of fatigue and depression.

Furthermore, the report is vague at that point about the constitution of the people it investigated. Are all these people work the same job or not? Are these people works for a same level of salaries? The level of salary is an important factor that may lead to different feeling of fatigue and depression. Also, the portion of male and female is not mentioned but men and women may have different ability to endure fatigue and depression.（建议段末也有总结句）

（尾段是不是该总结一下自己批驳的几个要点？）To conclude a more scientific conclusion, the author should have more research on the properties of isoflavones. The author also needs to do research on North Americans of similar backgrounds, similar types of work, similar level of salaries, and separate them into two groups of people that one group take isoflavones and another not, to see whether isoflavones is an effective substance may help North Americans overcome fatigue and depressions.
你的语言还是比较流畅的，就是论证部分可以再加强一下就更好了~~呵呵