[a习作temp] 帮忙看看这篇argument 有瓶颈啊~有拍必回哈~ [复制链接]

nieyong
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-8-2 22:32:51 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

感觉我是不是太过于模式化了？？请高手指点啊~

TOPIC: ARGUMENT203 - The following appearedin a newspaper feature story.

"At the small, nonprofit hospital inthe town of Saluda, the average length of a patient's stay is two days; at thelarge, for-profit hospital in the nearby city of Megaville, the average patientstay is six days. Also, the cure rate among patients in the Saluda hospital isabout twice that of the Megaville hospital. The Saluda hospital has moreemployees per patient than the hospital in Megaville, and there are fewcomplaints about service at the local hospital. Such data indicate thattreatment in smaller, nonprofit hospitals is more economical and of betterquality than treatment in larger, for-profit hospitals."
WORDS: 483
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2010/3/7 20:18:30

In the argument, the author concludes thatNon-profit hospitals are more economical and of better quality than treatmentin larger, for-profit hospitals. To support his conclusion, the author citesthat the average length of a patient's stay is much short than that infor-profit hospital in the city of megaville. In addition, the author alsoindicates that there are more employees per patient and fewer complaints aboutthe service. To be honest, the author's argument seems to be logical at thefirst glance. However, careful examination of the evidences provided revealsthat they lend little support to the author's conclusion.

Athreshold problem involves the validity of the statistics provided by theauthor. As we all know, statistics should be sufficiently reliable.Unfortunately, we find little evidences of such procedures of sampling, thusdoubting whether there is sufficiently large size of samples. For example, ifthe author research only 50 patients out of the total population of 1000 inboth of the hospitals, then any evidences obtained from it is untenable.Moreover, other factors are also of great significance. It is highly likelythat patients who went to the for-profit hospital are mostly in severe diseases,so more days of staying in hospital to get further treatment and low cure rateare not that weird. Because the author offers no evidences to rule out suchinterpretations, the statistics obtained could not support the author's conclusion.

Secondly, even assuming that the statistics provided are valid enough,the author unfairly established a causal relationship between the moreemployees per patient along with fewer complaints about services and the betterquality of treatment. However, the author fails to substantiate it. On thecontrary, more quantities of the employees may just reflect their lack ofefficiency and the skills in treatment. Additionally, the complaints aboutservices are in reality not that relevant to the quality in treatment, they arejust subjective feelings and maybe feedbacks are more openly encouraged in thehospital in Mageville. These scenarios, if true, may cast serious doubts on theauthor's conclusion.

Last but not the least, the author's conclusion is based on hastygeneralization. Even if the data the author has indicated are warranted, itdoes not follow that the treatment in smaller, nonprofit hospital is moreeconomical and of better quality. The author ignores other factors that couldinfluence the cost and quality. Such as the competence of the doctors and theprices of the medicine, common sense tells us that they are also importantaspects.

Onall accounts, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it, theauthor should cite more details about the population of the respondents toensure the validity of the statistics. In order to better assess the author’sconclusion, we would need more information of both nonprofit hospital and thefor-profit one to rule out all other possible factors that could influence thecost and quality in treatment of the hospital.

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shan_1745
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沙发

发表于 2010-8-2 23:10:15 |只看该作者

楼主好多单词之间的空格漏掉了
In the argument, the author concludes that Non-profit hospitals are more economical and of better quality than treatment in larger, for-profit hospitals. To support his conclusion, the author cites that the average length of a patient's stay is much short than that infor-profit hospital in the city of Megaville. In addition, the author also indicates that there are more employees per patient and fewer complaints about the service. To be honest, the author's argument seems to be logical at the first glance. However, careful examination of the evidences provided reveals that they lend little support to the author's conclusion.

The threshold problem involves the validity of the statistics provided by the author. As we all know, statistics should be sufficiently reliable.这句多余Unfortunately, we find little evidences of such procedures of sampling, thus doubting whether there is a sufficiently large size of samples. For example, if the author research only 50 patients out of the total population of 1000 in both of the hospitals, then any evidences obtained from it are untenable.Moreover, other factors are also of great significance. It is highly likely that patients who went to the for-profit hospital are mostly in severe diseases,so more days of staying in hospital to get further treatment and low cure rate are not that weird. Because the author offers no evidences to rule out such interpretations, the statistics obtained could not support the author's conclusion. 觉得这段写得挺卡的

Secondly, even assuming that the statistics provided are valid enough,the author unfairly established a causal relationship between the more employees per patient along with fewer complaints about services and the better quality of treatment. However, the author fails to substantiate it. On the contrary, more quantities of the employees may just reflect their lack of efficiency and the skills in treatment. Additionally, the complaints about services are in reality not that relevant to the quality in treatment, they are just subjective feelings and maybe feedbacks are more openly encouraged in the hospital in Mageville. These scenarios, if true, may cast serious doubts on the author's conclusion.

Last but not the least, the author's conclusion is based on the hasty generalization. Even if the data (the author has ) 去掉indicated is warranted, it does not follow that the treatment in smaller, nonprofit hospital is more economical and of better quality. The author ignores other factors that could influence the cost and quality. Such as the competence of the doctors and the prices of the medicine, common sense tells us that they are also important aspects.似乎也是凑字的呵呵

On all accounts, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it, theauthor should cite more details about the population of the respondents to ensure the validity of the statistics. In order to better assess the author’s conclusion, we would need more information of both non-profit hospital and the for-profit one to rule out all other possible factors that could influence the cost and quality in treatment of the hospital.

模板痕迹不是很严重但body的陈述需要加强
楼主有空帮我拍砖哇
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1132628&extra=

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amendaliu
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板凳

发表于 2010-8-2 23:19:32 |只看该作者

我试着改改：
In the argument, the author concludes that Non-profit hospitals are more economical and of better quality than[ treatment in删去] larger, for-profit hospitals. To support his conclusion, the author cites that the average length of a patient's stay in non-profit hospital is much shorter than that in for-profit hospital in the city of megaville. In addition, the author also indicates that there are more employees per patient and fewer complaints aboutthe service. To be honest, the author's argument seems to be logical at the first glance. However, careful examination of the evidences provided reveals that they lend little support to the author's conclusion.{这句蛮好的我要学习}

Athreshold problem involves the validity of the statistics provided by theauthor. As we all know, statistics should be sufficiently reliable.Unfortunately, we find little evidences{不可数的吧~} of such procedures of sampling, thusdoubting whether there is sufficiently large size of samples. For example, ifthe author research only 50 patients out of the total population of 1000 inboth of the hospitals, then any evidences obtained from it is untenable.Moreover, other factors are also of great significance. It is highly likelythat patients who went to the for-profit hospital are mostly in severe diseases,so more days of staying in hospital to get further treatment and low cure rateare not that weird. Because the author offers no evidences to rule out suchinterpretations, the statistics obtained could not support the author's conclusion.

Secondly, even assuming that the statistics provided are valid enough,the author unfairly established a causal relationship between the moreemployees per patient along with fewer complaints about services and the betterquality of treatment. {请高人指点下这样写对吗我早就有这个疑惑了}However, the author fails to substantiate it. On thecontrary, more quantities of the employees may just reflect their lack ofefficiency and the skills in treatment{这样是不是有点太武断？可以说员工数量大不代表医生数量多有其他打杂的即使医生数量多并不代表他们医术高超，你说是不~}Additionally, the complaints aboutservices are in reality not that relevant to the quality in treatment, they arejust subjective feelings and maybe feedbacks are more openly encouraged in thehospital in Mageville.{断成两句是不是更好？} These scenarios, if true, may cast serious doubts on theauthor's conclusion.

Last but not the least, the author's conclusion is based on hastygeneralization. Even if the data the author has indicated are warranted, itdoes not follow that the treatment in smaller, nonprofit hospital is moreeconomical and of better quality. The author ignores other factors that couldinfluence the cost and quality. Such as the competence of the doctors and theprices of the medicine, common sense tells us that they are also importantaspects.

Onall accounts, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it, theauthor should cite more details about the population of the respondents toensure the validity of the statistics. In order to better assess the author’sconclusion, we would need more information of both nonprofit hospital and thefor-profit one to rule out all other possible factors that could influence thecost and quality in treatment of the hospital.

句子写得都好长呢楼主跟我一样不过高人跟我讲要长短结合
呵呵楼主可以写进30分钟好厉害啊
我到现在写作文还是很慢很慢
请楼主指导下如何提高速度~
赞一个谢谢~