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[求助] 21号托福，求达人帮忙改下作文！谢谢了~~~ [复制链接]

柠蜜
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-11-18 12:07:20 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

这篇作文我翻来覆去改了4遍，还是觉得水平很低。

大家能不能在思路、逻辑上挑挑毛病，看有没有问题。

还有举例的问题，都举这么白痴的例子行么？

再有就是这篇作文里的模板，大家看成么？谢谢！！！！！！

帮忙, 批改, 托福, 作文

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面色憔悴，形容枯槁……

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柠蜜
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沙发

发表于 2010-11-18 12:07:55 |只看该作者

天呐，怎么上传附件啊？

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hycqy
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长老三袋

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板凳

发表于 2010-11-18 12:43:08 |只看该作者

2# 柠蜜 可能你的等级不够要不你直接把文章粘上来吧或者去灌灌水等级高了就行了

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柠蜜
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地板

发表于 2010-11-18 22:41:09 |只看该作者

As an undergraduate student, I always imagine what I will do after I graduate from college. Since my major is Accounting, the Big Four may be the best choice; however, I also admire  employees working in top enterprises / global businesses such as P&G , L’OREAL and IBM. When it comes to the issue of decision-making in career and life, people argue that the young should insist on their first choice and work hard for it with dogged perseverance. Perhaps they express their disapproval of changing jobs frequently due to their personnel experience. According to a recent study concerning this, almost 75 percent of interviewees approve of sticking to one job. The percentage almost triples the other group! Contrary to the idea  well acknowledged, I strongly recommend to try different jobs to gain working experience and make the right choice.

No one can deny that there are some minor disadvantages of changing jobs frequently. For instance, if you are an accountant or cashier, a complex resume maybe a proof of untrustworthy. Imagine that you are the boss of a small store; your cashier did 5 jobs during the past 2 years. Once there is a cheating in your store, the first people you suspect may be this cashier. Since the trust between employer and employee are so significant, how can we take the chance of being doubted?

Although there are some advantages of sticking to one job, the advantages of doing various jobs before your final decision is made far outweigh them. The most remarkable consequence is that you can learn a lot about how to communicate with others.  No one can deny that one essential lesson you should learn from this society is communication. If your jobs vary from a shop assistant to a secretary, from a cashier to an HR clerk, you can be acquainted with diverse people. The more jobs you do, the more communication skills you can  acquire and the more social graces you can build It is indisputable that all the jobs listed  above may contribute to your working experience and make you more adaptable to this changing world.

Also, you can develop a necessary ability of how to make decisions through different kinds of jobs. When we are students in universities, we work hard all day long to finish plenty of homework, presentations, papers that are assigned to us by the teacher. We take numerous exams because our parents expect us to do so.  But we never get the chance to make our own decision. If it is possible for us to try different jobs, we can know exactly which kind of skill we need. We can choose to learn a third language like Japanese or French or musical instruments such as  piano and violin We can go abroad to get a master degree or attend MBA courses in our hometown. It all depends on us!

Every coin has two sides, as the old saying goes. If you compare the advantages to different approaches of how to decide your career and your life carefully, the better one is self-evident. Trying different kinds of jobs before you clearly recognize which career you are actually interested in brings or ample benefits to you. If you are still young and have the passion to do something different, take chances in your life to make a difference!

麻烦大家了，我用2007的审阅功能修改的，没法把我的修改过程直接粘贴上来~~
谢谢！

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柠蜜
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5楼

发表于 2010-11-18 22:42:00 |只看该作者

3# hycqy

实习斑斑，我贴上来了哦~~~

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柠蜜
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6楼

发表于 2010-11-19 22:20:45 |只看该作者

哎……没人帮忙啊？？？！！！……好伤心

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cecyleyueyue
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7楼

发表于 2010-11-21 10:20:37 |只看该作者

看完作文才发现楼主今天在考了是么额加油。。感觉还不错考场上可以就这么写
还是稍提几个希望对你以后各种英语作文有帮助
第一段稍稍有点啰嗦用自己的例子引入主题后直接写主论点就好了建议在主论点句子里加上以下三段的简要概括其他数据引用什么的可以放到分论点里
第一段例子和分论点的联系可以再加强说明后两段说理和例子就都比较充实了
语言上没细看印象中简单句多了点进阶的话可以增加句子多样性和用词的多样性

2012 Fall - PR

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