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[i习作temp] ISSUE 130 写的头痛！！！真心求指导！求方向！ [复制链接]

april0515
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电梯直达

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发表于 2011-4-9 16:01:18 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

ISSUE 130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society." 现在孩子的社会化程度决定了社会的命运。可惜的是，我们还没有学会教孩子怎么样去建设一个更好的社会。

People who socialized well are commonly considered to beactive, charming, inspiring and therefore more likely to make a difference thataffects our society profoundly. However, contrary to popularassumption, what matters to a future society is not the degree ofchildren’s socialization, but more likely, the abilityto adapt to changing society, the persistence of truth, and the spirits ofcooperation, of the hopeful children, cultivated as the nature of education.

The effect of children’s socialization is particularlyambiguous. Socialization is of great value foreach child that help them adapt this world well and develop mental healthycondition.Those children who do not socialized well, as we couldalways see in the garten, who plays in the corner by oneself, who protect theirown toys without sharing with others, who keeps silence most of time, arealways worried by their parents and teachers about their development in thefuture.
Well, this concern isnot unnecessary, as a matter of fact, a lot of such children have suffered frommental disease --- depression, isolation and even autism, doing disservice toboth the society and individuals. And then, when we turn back to the nature of socialization, a processof learning from others all the time, its significance becomes more evident, of graspthe basic universal values of honesty, fidelity to task, friends,responsibility, love of country, pursuit of freedom and so on. Clearly, only of most people who possess these universalvalues, respect human rights and kindness our society consists can it see thepromising future.

But by contrary,a lot of people, myself included, would quiry that kinds of vision. Arepeople who appears to be well socialized really heathy in mental and psychological,aware of cooperate with others well? As a matter of fact, studying with othersin one school is by no means equal with awaress of sense of coorperation;chatting with amounts of friends online does not imply they are real friends.Morelikely, competence in school and society may make people more egoism anddevelop distort mental disease as a result. Thatis to say, the apperance of well socialization is actully not really socializedin essence. In other words, people look like geting together in physical butdistant a lot in heart. Then how could we tell that socializtion ofchidren determines the fatal of our society?

Evern worse,sometimes the excessive socialization is responsible for children’s inabilityof critical thinking and independent conceiving. What they pursuitis only to be accepted by others, and therefore, even when suspect, inquiry,they tend to restrain their ideas instead of persisting their own, since theyare afraid of being aliniated and strange in other’s eyesights. And, ironically,it is alawys thosewho are refused to socialize completely and come to critisize the traditionalconcepts, ideas that change the history, make big throughs, and affect thecontemporary community profoundly. For instance,
Cornips call into question the theory ofearth-centeed instead putting forward the ideas that our earth go around thesun; Marting Lutherking objects to the tradtional black slavery and lead to theslavery movement; Van Gaugh disabeyed the conventional painting style adheringtenaciously to his intituations and create impressionsim. Apparently, thecommon features of them ammonts to their courage, their indepentant thinking,and their persistence to their own voice. Decline to becompletely socialization is an attitude to embrace truth and adhere to theirfaith and beliefs to some degree.

Also, in theera of economic and technology development leading to globalizaiton trend, thedilemma of socialization from local customs and other culutres emerges in ourlife, and therefore, making the socialization issue more complicated. Oneapt illustaration involves the event of Egypts youth upheaval happned recently.Youth of Egypts, thought of as passive, meekly, submitting to autorian andreligious in the days gone by, are launching the unrest and revolt against theregim of octogenarian President Mubarak, fighting for freedom, justice, andopportunities. In that case, by viture offacebook and internet, they are resocialized by the culutres outside and changetheir conventional concepts.

Then, what wehave been informed, by that example of Arab issure, is that our society ischanging, along with some of our concepts and ideas. We are by nomeans sure what accounts for a better society, it is more likely that ourstandards today are not suitable in the future, as some conflictions betweentradition and modernizaiton happened in present day. Hence, as for how to raisechildren nowadays correctly, considered our education today, fortunately, the nature of which is not simplyimparting knowledge to them, but also helping them discovery their owninterest, cultivating their rational and logical thinking, as well as developtheir character of honest, fadility, responsibility and pursuing democracyembracing human rights, the universal values handed down by our ancestors. Therefore, we are actually intelligent as how toraise our children in modern societies that providing a guidence to them anddeveloping their characters to create their own society.

Fromthat matter, what accouts to determine the destiny our society in future is howchildren could apply what they have learned, not simply knowledge but methodsto thinking, values to persist, to the constant changing society and howchildren could well cooperate with each other to create more benefits for thesociety.

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april0515
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沙发

发表于 2011-4-9 16:03:55 |只看该作者

万分感谢丫帮我看看哪些地方需要删一下哪些地方废话太多哪些地方需要加~~~

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板凳

发表于 2011-4-10 11:39:20 |只看该作者

求方向求指导丫为神马米有人 555

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地板

发表于 2011-4-10 18:20:10 |只看该作者

ISSUE 130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society." 现在孩子的社会化程度决定了社会的命运。可惜的是，我们还没有学会教孩子怎么样去建设一个更好的社会。

People who socialized well are commonly considered to be active, charming, inspiring and therefore more likely to make a difference thataffects our society profoundly. (首句极无说服力)However, contrary to popular assumption, what matters to a future society is not the degree of children’s socialization, but more likely, the ability to adapt to changing society, the persistence of truth, and the spirits of cooperation, （涉及的面太广了，一旦驾驽不住，下文就彻底崩溃了） of the hopeful children, cultivated as the nature of education.
（为什么这么单词都没有断开？）The effect of children’s socialization is particularly ambiguous. Socialization is of great value for each child that help them adapt this world well and develop mental healthy condition.  Those children who do not socialized well, as we could always see in the garten （garten? German word? kindergarten）, who plays in the corner by oneself, who protect their own toys without sharing with others, who keeps silence most of time, are always worried by their parents and teachers about their development in the future.
Well, this concern is not unnecessary, as a matter of fact, a lot of such children have suffered from mental disease --- depression, isolation and even autism, doing disservice to both the society and individuals. And then, when we turn back to the nature of socialization, a process of learning from others all the time, its significance becomes more evident, of grasp the basic universal values of honesty, fidelity to task, friends,responsibility, love of country, pursuit of freedom and so on. Clearly, only of most people who possess these universal values, respect human rights and kindness our society consists can it see thepromising future. （对socialization的理解有点窄化了。未必只是指让小孩子更“合群”一点吧。这样窄的探讨，要出问题了。上面那些谈心理的内容，有些实在太夸张了，很难取信于人。）
But on the contrary,a lot of people, myself included, would quiry that kind of vision. Are people who appears to be well socialized really heathy in mental and psychological, aware of cooperating with others well? As a matter of fact, studying with others in one school is by no means equal with awaress of sense of coorperation; chatting with amounts of friends online does not imply they are real friends. Morelikely, competence in school and society may make people more egoism anddevelop distort mental disease as a result. That is to say, the apperance of well socialization is actully not really socialized n essence. In other words, people look like geting together in physical but distant a lot in heart. Then how could we tell that socializtion of chidren determines the fatal of our society? (即便撇开对socialization理解的宽窄问题，以上这些论证也是明显缺乏说服力的。你评判了几种形式上的社会交往(socialization in apperance)，认为他们并不能带来真正的"socialization in essence"。这里面是否暗含着一个逻辑，即你认为你所提出的那些真正的socialization in essence，是有益于社会的。如此就与你起初的立论相背离了。）
Evern worse,sometimes the excessive socialization is responsible for children’s inabilityof critical thinking and independent conceiving. （你没有对所谓的“过分社会化”进行界定，下面的探讨在很大程度上是与人们的认识相背离的，很难令人信服） What they pursuit is only to be accepted by others, and therefore, even when suspect, inquiry,they tend to restrain their ideas instead of persisting their own, since they are afraid of being aliniated and strange in other’s eyesights. And, ironically,it is alawys those who are refused to socialize completely and come to critisize the traditional concepts, ideas that change the history, make big throughs, and affect the contemporary community profoundly. （到这里，对socialization的过分窄化的理解之弊端，就完全暴露出来了。很难说哥白尼、路德金是没有"well socialized"；梵高似乎合乎你的立论。但仔细审题，谈的是教育孩子的问题。你能说能梵高小时候被如何教育，如何不被well socialized的么？）For instance,
Cornips （Corpernicus）call into question the theory of earth-centerd instead putting forward the ideas that our earth goes around the sun; Marting Luther king objects to the tradtional black slavery and lead to theslavery movement; (史实错误，路德丁不是搞废奴的，他搞的是民权，black rights)Van Gaugh disobeyed the conventional painting style adhering tenaciously to his intituations and create impressionsim. Apparently, the common features of them ammonts to their courage, their indepentant thinking,and their persistence to their own voice. Decline to be completely socialized  is an attitude to embrace truth and adhere to theirfaith and beliefs to some degree.

Also, in the era of economic and technology development leading to globalizaiton trend, the dilemma of socialization from local customs and other culutres emerges in our life, and therefore, making the socialization issue more complicated. One apt illustaration involves the event of Egypts youth upheaval happned recently.Youth of Egypts, thought of as passive, meekly, submitting to autorian and religious in the days gone by, are launching the unrest and revolt against the regim of octogenarian President Mubarak, fighting for freedom, justice, and opportunities. In that case, by viture of facebook and internet, they are resocialized by the culutres outside and change their conventional concepts.

Then, what we have been informed, by that example of Arab issure, is that our society is changing, along with some of our concepts and ideas. We are by no means sure what accounts for a better society, it is more likely that our standards today are not suitable in the future, as some conflictions between tradition and modernizaiton happened in present day. Hence, as for how to raise children nowadays correctly, considered our education today, fortunately, the nature of which is not simply imparting knowledge to them, but also helping them discover their own interest, cultivating their rational and logical thinking, as well as develop their character of honest, fadility, responsibility and pursuing democracy embracing human rights, the universal values handed down by our ancestors. Therefore, we are actually intelligent as how to raise our children in modern societies that providing a guidence to them and developing their characters to create their own society.

From that matter, what accouts to determine the destiny our society in future is how children could apply what they have learned, not simply knowledge but methods to thinking, values to persist, to the constant changing society and how children could well cooperate with each other to create more benefits for the society.

(后面几段转到如何教育孩子以及孩子如何改变社会的问题上来，思路比较清晰了。但全文的整体结构比较混乱，对socialization的内涵外延的界定还值得再深入探讨，这是很核心的一个问题。当然，也可以少谈一点这方面的问题，把前部分压缩掉许多，把文章重点转到后半部分，因为后部分是比较有说服力的。将后半部分的思路再重新整合一下，使前半部分的内容都能配合后半部分，这样文章整体结构就清楚了，对于socialization的争议也可以少介入一点，文章的说服力也就增强。另外，也好多单词都拼错了，需要细心。)

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5楼

发表于 2011-4-10 18:25:06 |只看该作者

修正：
the ability to adapt to changing society, the persistence of truth, and the spirits of cooperation, （涉及的面太广了，一旦驾驽不住，下文就彻底崩溃了）
（这句评可以被忽略了。因为看到文章后半部分的时候，发现还是与你的立论紧紧吻合的。
另外，建议把前半部分推倒重来吧，为了文章的整体结构。
评论有不当之处，恳请抱涵。

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6楼

发表于 2011-4-10 22:38:34 |只看该作者

5# xiaoshun672
谢谢谢谢LS ~~~ 其实你说的那一部分就是最让我头痛的问题~~~ 就是socialization的界定问题！！！因为我觉得education就是socialization的其中一个方式，但是education的实质是有助于孩子们成长的，其中有一条就是理性思考，质疑精神，而这一条又是在反抗被社会化~~~ 我在开头部分总想把socialization说明白，这篇文章的原版前面几段主要就是写孩子们首先被家长、同龄人、学校社会化，又写了会被媒体社会化。。。

思路很不清晰，希望可以给予明确的指点如何才能精确的界定或者忽略捏~~~ 我总觉得这道题我都钻进了牛角尖啦 555 谢谢谢谢谢谢~~~~

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