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[求助] 思密达的TOFEL作文贴求批改~ [复制链接]

思密达
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电梯直达

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发表于 2012-1-22 13:43:32 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

http://hi.baidu.com/思密达mina/blog/item/47e549a0e16fa6b9d8335a56.html
http://hi.baidu.com/思密达mina/blog/item/72acd1383c4cd1e4e7cd4056.html

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思密达
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沙发

发表于 2012-1-24 12:01:59 |只看该作者

Two persons can’t be friends if one is richer than another?

Romantic films, novels depict loves between two persons with totally unlike backgrounds can always attracts eyeballs of audiences. The standards we employed to size up whether a love is a true love sometimes contain neglecting of great difference in social standing and wealth. These standards assume that when all we have had decayed, love never fade.
All the plots above can be very impressive, but as we have matured from teenagers, we all know about realistic. The huge gap between all of us can be very decisive to our friendships. When we chat during spare time about how to spend weekend, some of us feel the pressure when colleagues or classmates mentioned new experience that need us lots of effort to achieve not (level of wealth we have now). We make comparison between ourselves and others since childhood, what our friends use, wear, eat. At least from then, we did not want to be worse than any of them.
In my opinion, to some extent, two people with difference in assets can be friends. At times, people in different classes attract each other because of their personal quality. Genius can also born from drain. Just like we people live in city adorn country lives. Friendship between people come from different background bring fresh air to both their lives.
However riches is truly an obstruction, during our daily rapport. So I have just said to some extent. Despite all the differences, it does not mean we don't appreciate what we have earned from that part of relationship, no matter how long it lasts. Moments that we have no regard to these difference are memorable for their pureness. So we need to appreciate this kind of relationship like we enjoy fresh flowers, instead of exploiting from the relationship.
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西雅图黄页
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板凳

发表于 2012-1-24 19:35:01 |只看该作者

本帖最后由西雅图黄页于 2012-1-24 19:48 编辑

Two persons can’t be friends if one is richer than another. ( l" X3

Romantic films, novels (只有两个名词中间要加and, 如果有三个是A，B and C) depict loves between two persons with totally unlike backgrounds can always attracts eyeballs of audiences. (这句话中有两个主句动词，语法错误，可以将depict改成depicting, 或用定语从句)The standards we employed (employ) to size up whether a love is a true love (love是不可数的)sometimes contain neglecting of (don't always contain factors that are associated with) great difference in social standing (status) and wealth. These standards assume that when all we have had decayed, love never fade. (是说就算我们老了，爱也不会褪色么？这不能作为一个理由推出结论“在考量真爱的时候，我们不考虑地位和财富的差距”)

All the plots (加个mentioned) above can be very impressive, but as we have matured from teenagers, we all know about realistic (reality). The huge gap between all of us ( among I and my friends, between用于两人中间) can be very decisive to our friendships. When we chat during spare time about how to spend weekend, some of us feel the pressure when colleagues or classmates mentioned new experience that need us lots of effort to achieve not (level of wealth we have now) (required a lot of money, an amount we were not able to afford, as the prerequisite) . We make comparison between ourselves and others (We have compared many things with others) since childhood, (such as) what our friends use, wear, (and) eat. At least from then (至少从那时起？), we did not want to be worse than any of them.

In my opinion, to some extent, two people with difference in assets can be friends. At times, people in different classes attract each other because of their personal quality. Genius can also born (be born in) from drain (poor families). Just like we people (people who) live in city adorn country lives. Friendship between people come from(having) different background bring (brings) fresh air to both their lives. / N/ ]3 H5 O& R

However riches (rich是形容词或有钱人的意思，财富用wealth)is truly an obstruction, during our daily rapport. So I have （不用完成时）just said to some extent.
Despite all the differences, it does not mean we don't appreciate what we have earned from that part of relationship, no matter how long it lasts. Moments that we have no regard to these difference are memorable for their pureness. (Moments that we had together had nothing to do with these differences and they were memorable because of their pureness.)So we need to appreciate this kind of relationship like we enjoy fresh flowers, instead of exploiting from the relationship.

你的观点是可以做朋友，但是整篇文章却花了很多笔墨描写做朋友的难处，立意不明且句与句之间没有逻辑性。语法需要加强。字数也不够，起码300字. 建议你先多多学习托福范文，理解透托福作文最容易拿高分的三段式。没有输入就没有输出，加油.

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思密达
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地板

发表于 2012-1-24 20:44:35 |只看该作者

In order to become fiancially responsible adult, childre should learn to mange money from young age.
My answer is certainly yes. Children’s financial education is essential for modern world. And the early satge of financial education is usually begin around 4 to 5 years old, from that age children are becoming curious about what is money( that differently colored papers) and where are they come from. It’s a good chance for parents to open outside markets for their children.
A Joke that formed from daily lives that a child thought money is produced automatically through ATM machine, when his mother pushing a button on the machine. We can derive from it that children can think parents’ incomes as windfall. The idea only contain withdraw and no help to children’s value judgment.
There are ways to train children learn more and associate with real world. According to their curiousness, we can explain what these colored papers represent and how their parents obtain these papers. In supermarkets, children show their unlimited wants of snacks and toys, with little resistance to persuasive advertisements. We need to let them claim down then tell them the opportunity cost of one more snack or toy that will cost them other goods which they want even more in the future. And let them to observe how their parents make choice to arrange limited amount of money to maximize the whole family’s welfare. After known the importance of money and thrifty, they also need to know how to spend them. Parents give their children a small amount of money let children themselves arrang the amount of money during a period of time. From experiences, if parents give children money on a specific event, children will not reserve money as they thinking not spend equals to waste. Parents and children can write account’s of pocket money, then feed little porcelain pig together. That would be a good habit forming process.
Some parents make agreements with children that pay for their housework. This can be a good idea only if it incites children’s incentives to do housework and spare parents. But as many of us have evolved from all that policy, help in housework is a family member’s responsibility. We can adopt other ways to encourage children as journeys during weekend or verbal appreciation.

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alexfanfan
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5楼

发表于 2012-1-25 19:47:03 |只看该作者

Jan 24 revised

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思密达
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6楼

发表于 2012-2-22 22:11:21 |只看该作者

When talking about advertisements, people are often annoyed by the fact that advertisements can truly lead our daily consumptions. Teenagers are generally valued as being easily affected by their outside environments about their personal value judgments. I have heard the calls from some notable institutions and educators that a piece of advertisement should be concealed since it had led to youngsters’ imitation which would cause either ethical corruption or safety accidents.
As a one of the teenagers I reluctantly confess that big brands’ propaganda can make trends indeed in arrange of student groups. No need to say, in order to cater to teenagers’ constantly changing and improving sense of art about advertisements, the propaganda managers have already adopt various measurements no matter it is about world class or it is invented by themselves. I will take the wide spread renren website as an example—twitter’s Chinese counterpart. On my entrance to high school, my new classmates asked me whether they can find me on renren, so I registered one. I use it more often when my newly made friends stared to @ me on it. The truth is that I really get in fashion and learned a lot Internet language. What is more, renren appoints a represents in each area and one of my classmate is the one nominated. Using real world’s relationship to advertise is really a smart one, right? And now you know how much it influences our lives.
Then about advertisements’ harm. There are severe concerns that students experience more peer pressure on trends. They may compare their customs and advertisements are the indicator they use. We all know that this kind of competition is no good effect on generation’s growth. So I suggest that, government should concentrated more on advertisements’ misleading effects and vain glorious effects. Friends of mine are fascinated on famous sports shoes and international make up brands. In spite the saying in advertisements that the products are highly qualified and help consumers gain their self esteem, most part of the company’s budget is spend on advertising. If we consider more importance on quality there is no reason that we buy the big names. By the way, teenagers need to learn about dignity, and advertisements’ propaganda about vain glory is a huge obstruction.

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