[a习作temp] argument53 同主题第三期，本人第一篇，欢迎互拍～！ [复制链接]

fenghua9801
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电梯直达

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发表于 2006-7-25 23:32:23 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

1 melatonin 和shyness之间的关系不直接
2 mild distress和shyness不等价
3 成年后的shy可能还有其他很多原因

The conclusion which claims that the increased levels of melatonin can result in shyness in the above argument is not cogent since it does not provide the direct relationship between the specific hormone and the personality tendency, and more evidence needs to be provided to get the conclusion.

First of all, the relationship between the shyness and the melatonin is indirect. All the argument is based on the fact that the simultaneously occurring of the fall pregnant, the rise of the melatonin, and the shyness of the infants, from which there is not a direct relation between the shyness and the rise of the melatonin. It is possible that there is another kind of hidden hormone which will decrease due to the decreased daylight, and this hormone will effect the infants' disposition. Moreover, the speaker does not provide any scientific result that can explain the function of the hormone except that it is harmful to the brain. Also, whose brain is the victim is not specified. Even if the melatonin can cause some brain function disability, there is no evidence that it will result in the shyness of the infants.

Secondly, the speaker equates the mild distress with the shyness, which is not necessarily the case. The tested infants may show distress by the unhappy feeling when listening to an unknown voice; they may also feel uncomfortable by the unusual odor. That is to say, the wild distress may result from their natural instincts instead of shyness. More scientific testament should be implemented in order to achieve the result, such as unwilling to see unfamiliar or not very active in daily lives.

Thirdly, the speaker does not provide the growing atmosphere of the infants in the past years which may decide their disposition comprehensively. In other words, the shyness of the teenager may not necessarily result from the hormone; the domestic condition, the education method, and the company around are all can influence the personality of the teenager. Moreover, even some of them identified themselves as shy; maybe the others consider them rather lively.

The argument has not provided enough reasons and evidences to back the conclusion, and the speaker need to consider more effects that lead to the shyness.

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xupeng66
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沙发

发表于 2006-7-26 06:43:25 |只看该作者

五号的修改

The conclusion which claims that the increased levels of melatonin can result in shyness in the above argument is not cogent since it does not provide the direct relationship between the specific hormone and the personality tendency, and more evidence needs to be provided to get (reach) the conclusion.
(我看孙远的书上的开头摸板是要把所有证据都列出来的，范文中的开头写得也很长，到底开头该怎么开我也不是很清楚啊)
First of all, the relationship between the shyness and the melatonin is indirect. All the argument is based on the fact that the simultaneously occurring of the fall pregnant, the rise of the melatonin, and the shyness of the infants, from which there is not a direct (causal relationship)relation between the shyness and the rise of the melatonin. It is possible that there is another kind of hidden hormone which will decrease due to the decreased daylight, and this hormone will effect the infants' disposition. Moreover, the speaker does not provide any scientific result(information) that can explain the function of the hormone except that it is harmful(袁文中没有提到harmful指示所有影响) to the brain. Also, whose brain is the victim is not specified. Even if the melatonin can cause some brain function disability, there is no evidence that it will result in the shyness of the infants.

Secondly, the speaker equates the mild distress with the shyness, which is not necessarily the case. The tested infants may show distress by the unhappy feeling when listening to an unknown voice; they may also feel uncomfortable by the unusual odor. That is to say, the wild distress may result from their natural instincts instead of shyness. More scientific testament should be implemented in order to achieve the result, such as unwilling to see unfamiliar or not very active in daily lives.（这个观点很独特啊，我可以借鉴一下）

Thirdly, the speaker does not provide the growing atmosphere(environment) of the infants in the past years which may decide their disposition comprehensively. In other words, the shyness of the teenager may not necessarily result from the hormone; the domestic condition, the education method, and the company around are all can influence the personality of the teenager. Moreover, even some of them identified themselves as shy; maybe the others consider them rather lively.

The argument has not provided enough reasons and evidences to back the conclusion, and the speaker need to consider more effects that lead to the shyness. (结尾我开孙远的书上也写得比较长，列出了改进意见，不知道怎么写才好啊，我毕竟也不是高手啊。)

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