[i习作temp] ISSUE185 [复制链接]

allen_ami
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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-3-21 23:40:22 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

issue185 大家帮忙看看有没有4分

TOPIC: ISSUE185 - "Scandals-whether in politics, academia, or other areas-can be useful. They focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could."
WORDS: 593 TIME: 0:45:00 DATE: 2007-3-21

Are scandals useful? The speaker asserts so, for the reason that they focus our attention on problems in way that no speaker or reformer ever could. In my view, I strongly agree with the statement that we can learn much from the scandals for the three reasons as discussed below.

The first reason why I fundamentally agree with the speaker is that some scandals can show the problems of the society and help people to make some policy to correct these flaws. Nowadays, politics are mainly processed by some politicians. Meanwhile, public will pay little attention to how the officials are achieving the target that the public shoulder on them. Then, sometimes, scandals will reveal some problems in the managing hierarchy. To shed light on this assertion, one need look no further than the corruption in China. Many Chinese mayors now take the money that is used for public constructing to them and build some public building with little money. As a result in 1998, when the water level of Yangtze river rise and thus destructing the building to prevent the water from flowing out and causing a serious damage to the society. Fortunately, after that the government dismissed these leaders and revised the law that against the corruption. Consequently, some scandals are the stimulus that perfects the regulation of the society.

The second reason I generally agree with the statement is that the result of the scandals can prevent people from making the same mistake. At most time, the result of the scandal is negative to the people who involve in the scandals. Their fame and reputation will be seriously affected. Therefore, due to fear for the same thing, the other people dare not to repeat it. Take the Bill Clinton's sexual scandal for example. Clinton, the former president of the United States, had a long-time improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky, the intern of the White House. Immediately this scandal has become the hottest topic in the society. Undeniable, his former perfect image in the public was seriously affected. Thus the latter government officials know that how high moral and ethic standards are important to an effective leader. In such case, scandal can serve as a admonition to warn the public.

The third reason I agree with the statement is the fact that through reflecting on the reason for scandals can help us to avoid more scandals. In the academic field, it is very difficult for scientist to make significant contribution. Meanwhile due the attractiveness of some high-profile prizes, such as the Nobel Prize, some of these scientists will make something to cheat themselves and the academic field such as forging the experiment data. For example, professor Hwang, a famous Korean biology scientist, was once thought to have the ability to win the Nobel Prize. However, recently many institutions have found that most of his paper published is questionable. From this academic scandal, the government knows that the most important thing that the scientists need is the comfortable academic atmosphere not the undue support from the whole society, which may shoulder too much pressure on the scholars. Therefore, we should reconsider the cause for the scandals and thus we can better prevent.

To sum up, scandals play an important role in our society, they can make us better realize some problems in the society. Also some scandals can prevent people to make the same mistakes. In final analysis, we should bravely face these scandals and try to prevent them.

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iq28
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沙发

发表于 2007-3-22 03:42:10 |只看该作者

Are scandals useful? The speaker asserts so, for the reason that they focus our attention on problems in way that no speaker or reformer ever could. In my view, I strongly agree with the statement that we can learn much from the scandals for the three reasons as discussed below. (完全赞成的观念.看你下面怎么论证.首段的观念表述还算清楚)

The first reason why I fundamentally agree with the speaker is that some scandals can show the problems of the society and help people to make some policy to correct these flaws. (ts清楚.赞成这种清楚的句式) Nowadays, politics are mainly processed by some politicians. Meanwhile, public will pay little attention to how the officials are achieving the target that the public shoulder on them. (前面说了这么多只是要提及大众不会关注政治.有点太多了.本段需要论证的是丑闻是如何为揭露这些问题服务的.也就是重点应该放在下面) Then, sometimes, scandals will reveal some problems in the managing hierarchy. To shed light on this assertion, one need look no further than the corruption in China. Many Chinese mayors now take the money that is used for public constructing to them and build some public building with little money. (与ts无直接关联的例子部分不要写) As a result in 1998, when the water level of Yangtze river rise and thus destructing the building to prevent the water from flowing out and causing a serious damage to the society. (这个是丑闻么?虽然确实我们知道这个是豆腐渣工程造成的.老美知道么?必须点明) Fortunately, after that the government dismissed these leaders and revised the law that against the corruption. (到这里例子结束.也没有再出现论证.也没有出现太多是如何帮助解决的.只是在前面提到了民众不太重视可以算是一点论证) Consequently, some scandals are the stimulus that perfects the regulation of the society.

The second reason I generally agree with the statement is that the result of the scandals can prevent people from making the same mistake. (跟第一个ts层次拉得不开.有重合.之间也没有什么逻辑联系.)(灌了点水之后想到个方法~可以上一段重点说发现,这一段开头先说虽然丑闻有害但是最终还是利大于弊,下面开始谈到prevent的事情) At most time, the result of the scandal is negative to the people who involve in the scandals. Their fame and reputation will be seriously affected. Therefore, due to fear for the same thing, the other people dare not to (dare not do) repeat it. Take the Bill Clinton's sexual scandal for example. Clinton, the former president of the United States, had a long-time improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky, the intern of the White House. Immediately this scandal has become the hottest topic in the society. Undeniable, his former perfect image in the public was seriously affected. (没有必要说这么多.跟ts都不是直接相关.提到clinton的affair就可以了.没人不知道内容.) Thus the latter government officials know that how high moral and ethic standards are important to an effective leader. (到这里还是例子.例子后面又没有论证就直接结尾了.) In such case, scandal can serve as a admonition to warn the public.

The third reason I agree with the statement is the fact that through reflecting on the reason for scandals can help us to avoid more scandals. (实在看不出跟第二个ts之间差别在什么地方.一个same mistakes跟more scandals,more的难道就类型跟原来不一样了?如果真能论证两种错误的不一样那确实是很新的观念.先看你下面的论证吧)(可能的解决方法,上一段强调是丑闻后果防止更多错误,本段强调由一些原因来防止错误.可能你也是这个意识,不过表述实在太差,至少我第一遍读的时候没有这个感觉) In the academic field, it is very difficult for scientist to make significant contribution. (直接就突兀地来说科学界的例子) Meanwhile due the attractiveness of some high-profile prizes, such as the Nobel Prize, some of these scientists will make something to cheat themselves and the academic field such as forging the experiment data. For example, professor Hwang, a famous Korean biology scientist, was once thought to have the ability to win the Nobel Prize. However, recently many institutions have found that most of his paper published is questionable. (一个questionable是不够的) (先讲老黄的犯罪史,再说是如何被发现的.都和本段ts无关啊...sigh) From this academic scandal, the government knows that the most important thing that the scientists need is the comfortable academic atmosphere not the undue support from the whole society, which may shoulder too much pressure on the scholars. (像这种句子的论证多一点就bingo了) Therefore, we should reconsider the cause for the scandals and thus we can better prevent.

To sum up, scandals play an important role in our society, they can make us better realize some problems in the society. Also some scandals can prevent people to make the same mistakes. In final analysis, we should bravely face these scandals and try to prevent them.

整体的思路虽然第一遍看上去有点没有拉开
但是解决方法我在文章里面都提到了
丑闻让人容易发现问题--->尽管丑闻有害,但是震慑后果能够防止后人再犯--->moreover,再次深究那些丑闻的共性原因,更加防止那些丑闻.

内部论证还不是很成熟
第三个body做得还算不错

加油
修改一下我觉得至少4分