[a习作temp] ARGUMENT174 考前磨炼可以先PM我我先帮你改 [复制链接]

ARGUMENT174 考前磨炼可以先PM我我先帮你改

TOPIC: ARGUMENT174 - The following recommendation was made by the president and administrative staff of Grove College, a private institution, to the college's governing committee.

"We recommend that Grove College preserve its century-old tradition of all-female education rather than admit men into its programs. It is true that a majority of faculty members voted in favor of coeducation, arguing that it would encourage more students to apply to Grove. But eighty percent of the students responding to a survey conducted by the student government wanted the school to remain all female, and over half of the alumni who answered a separate survey also opposed coeducation. Keeping the college all-female, therefore, will improve morale among students and convince alumni to keep supporting the college financially."
WORDS: 469      TIME: 0:24:29          DATE: 2007-3-29

The conclusion that keeping the college all-female will improve morale among students and convince alumni to keep supporting the college financially is logically flawed. I will present my reasons in the following details.（看了这段才发现，昨天改过一样的，HOHO！今天这个第一句不错，直接说明是犯了逻辑的错误。开头两句话，够简洁。）

To begin with, the two surveys mentioned in the argument are open to doubt. First, the author mentions that 80% of the students responding to a survey by the student government wanted the school to remain all female. Yet, the author fails to justify these students can represent the overall students in the school. Perhaps these students are low -grade students, who entered the college not long ago and feel everything is fresh（这个例子好象有点反了，既然对什么都新鲜应该是多尝新新的吧，不就反对传统支持新的了嘛。我觉得改成大部分学生都是受传统的教育，像以前欧洲那种形式的。）. However, for those high-grade students, they gradually feel the tedious life without male students.（这个好象有点牵强了。不如改成因为高年级的随着年龄的增长更希望了解社会上各种人，包括male。）（这里要有个小总结吧）Secondly, those alumni who answered a separate survey may not represent the thought of all the alumni. It is possible that these alumni are not these who endow money to the college. Perhaps in another separate survey including most alumni who endowed money to the college indicating that they support the coeducation. （这有点像在饶弯子。说的不大清楚，感觉！）In short, without more investigation, the author can not draw the conclusion that the students opposed coeducation and coeducation will make alumni not want to give the college financial help.

Moreover, even if the two surveys is convincing, there is no evidence that keeping the college all-female can improve morale among students. The morale of students comes from many aspects, such as the reputation of the college in the society, the atmosphere around the campus and even the morale of the faculty.  If the college does not have a good reputation in the society, for example, their graduates have low employment rate or their students have a relative high crime rate between females. merely supporting the only female school is not helpful.（这点有些偏了，只是论学生士气跟什么有关就够了，有点太延伸了吧。要不就是我没看懂？）What's more, a majority of faculty members voted in favor of coeducation, which suggests that faculty have bored such kind of teaching life to some extent. If persisting on the only-female policy, the college may have the risk of losing considerable amount of excellent teachers (if they have)and that inevitably influence the students' interests in studying.（这段前后两个部分，分明出现在argument的两个观点截然相反的地方，写在一起好象不太妥当。论证的有点乱了。）

Finally, given that the forgoing evidence is credible, the author can not agree the policy of keeping only-female so hasty. On the one hand, after all, the responsibility of the college is to educate the students and train them to be elites rather than merely gain more financial support from alumni.（有些绝对了感觉。） On the other hand, the trends of the world's development is to cooperate with each other in other worlds it is the "team work". After entering the society, the students inevitably work with males, so study in the college and knowing the traits of male are necessary. In short, the author should consider more about the development of the students.（这段感觉写的像是ISSUE，在表明自己的观点了，没有批判。）

To sum up, the argument is not persuasive.（结尾我的意见跟还是一样的。）