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[a习作temp] argument214 居民对教育关注的差异 [复制链接]

wingerwesker
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2007-4-12 16:18:35 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

昨天被拍明白了：https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=646151

今天未限时尝试改掉缺点

TOPIC: ARGUMENT214 - In each city in theregion of Treehaven, the majority of the money spent on government-run publicschool education comes from taxes that each city government collects. Theregion's cities differ, however, in the value they place on public education.For example, Parson City typically budgets twice as much money per yearas Blue City does for its public schools-eventhough both cities have about the same number of residents. It seems clear,therefore, that Parson City residents care more about public schooleducation than do Blue City residents.
WORDS: 553 TIME: 1:42:15 DATE: 2007-4-12

The author of this argument concludes thatcities in the region of Treehaven are different on funding public schools. Heor she illustrates this point by a comparison between Parson City (PC) and BlueCity (BC). However, this example can not even prove difference on the valueplaced on public education of the two cities, not to mention the author'sconclusion of the same dissimilarity among all cities in that region.

Firstly, the comparison make by the authorbetween PC and BC is incomplete and thus unsound. To demonstrate a point bycomparing the two objects, one should first eliminate those factors affectingthe element being contracted; unfortunately, the author fails to do so. Thereis no information concerning schoolchildren population in the two cities; thusit is possible that students in PC greatly outnumber those in BC, despite thesimilar number of residents at all ages. Such difference might be due to PC'sestablished reputation of its public school education, whereas BC has enjoyed along fame of its great welfare for retirees. To better evaluate government'sconcern of public education, I suggest the author calculate the average amountof money placed on each individual student. Moreover, the author also neglectsgovernment revenues of the two different cities. Perhaps, PC imposes higher taxrates than BC and/or enjoys its developed regional economy; thus PCgovernment's income could significantly outstrips BC's. Under suchcircumstances, twice amount of money can not justify residents' dissimilar careof education. The author needs to take the proportion of education funding oftotal budget into account before concluding various attitude on publiceducation of the cities' residents.

Another problem of this argument is thatthe author unfairly assigns government budgets as the only representative ofresidential concern on public education. In actual practice, citizens commonlyexpress their regard of public education through other means. For example,though the majority of funding for school comes from government budget, privatedonations might nonetheless be an undeniable contributor of maintaining andimproving public education. Perhaps such donations serve a better measure thangovernment budget when investigation residential concern of public education.Even private donations are incomparable to government budget, there might stillbe some conducts of residents which can disprove the author's assertion.Possibly, people lived at BC constantly launch campaigns for educationalpurpose, like giving lectures of a specific field to school students or donatingbooks to school libraries. Solely emphasizing on government budget, like theauthor does, is oversimplification and thus unconvincing.

Finally, granted that difference ongovernment budget of PC and BC is demonstrative and thus dissimilar attitude topublic education of residents in the two cities in proved, assuming these twocities is a proper representative of all cities in Treehaven region isquestionable. No information concerning government budget, private donation orother factors which could show residential attitude on public education ofcities other than the illustrated two. Therefore, the author fails to answerthe question of whether PC and BC are exceptions in the region or suitable examplefrom all cities. Before economic condition, resident number, and so forth areall considered in reasoning, the author conclusion on difference among citiesin Treehaven region has little credibility.

To sum up, faultycomparison, incomplete thought, and mistake in choosing example render thisargument an unconvincing one.

[ 本帖最后由 wingerwesker 于 2007-4-12 16:21 编辑 ]

A bird's pride comes not from the height he soars on,
but from the will and courage to fight storm alone.
A bird's glory comes not from the claim of he can fly,
but from the proof of he eventually teared the sky.

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ILOVEISSUE
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沙发

发表于 2007-4-12 16:33:14 |只看该作者

光看结构好像是好点了

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wingerwesker
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板凳

发表于 2007-4-12 21:21:24 |只看该作者

谢谢楼上，能再仔细看看么？

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地板

发表于 2007-4-14 04:16:23 |只看该作者

The author of this argument concludes that cities in the region of Tree haven are different on funding public schools. He or she illustrates this point by a comparison between Parson City PC and Blue City BC. However, this example can not even prove difference on the value placed on public education of the two cities, not to mention the author's conclusion of the same dissimilarity among all cities in that region.

Firstly, the comparison 不具体，最好说清楚些make by the author between PC and BC is incomplete and thus unsound. ts还是不太清楚。最好要指出作者犯了怎样的逻辑错误；怎样的论据推不出怎样的结论,比如我会这样写the difference in budget in the money for public education is little indication that the government of BC pays less emphasis on education than PC does。 To demonstrate a point by comparing the two objects, one should first eliminate those factors这一句话最好将下面的两个分论点都写进去，这样总分的结构回好一点such as …. affecting the element being contracted; unfortunately, the author fails to do so. First,There is no information concerning schoolchildren population in the two cities; thus it is possible that students in PC greatly outnumber those in BC, despite the similar number of residents at all ages. Such difference might be due to PC's established reputation of its public school education, whereas BC has enjoyed a long fame of its great welfare for retirees. 这句话应该放在it is possible 前面，然后用and therefore将两句连接起来，这样就使逻辑紧密些To better evaluate government's concern of public education, I suggest the author calculate the average amount of money placed on each individual student.这种建议性的话好像都习惯写在最后一段吧 Moreover,没有递进关系，in addition就行了 the author also neglects government revenues of the two different cities. Perhaps, PC imposes higher tax rates than BC and/or enjoys its developed regional economy; thus PC government's income could significantly outstrips BC's.高多少呢？可以给出具体细节，然后把作这结论完全驳倒 Under such circumstances, twice amount of money can not justify residents' dissimilar care of education.可以再写一句：这些差别可能仅是由于政府的财政状况造成的，而于care of education无关 The author needs to take the proportion of education funding of total budget into account before concluding various attitude on public education of the cities' residents.同上

Another problem of this argument is that the author unfairly assigns government budgets as the only representative of residential concern on public education.这个ts写得不错，但完全和第一个body连接起来，例如，即使government怎么怎么样，也不能说明居民怎么怎么样。 In actual practice, citizens commonly express their regard of public education through other means. For example, though the majority of funding for school comes from government budget, private donations might nonetheless be an undeniable contributor of maintaining and improving public education. Perhaps such donations一般举反例用一句话就行了which may serve a better measure than government budget when investigation residential concern of public education. Even private donations are incomparable to government budget, there might still be some conducts of residents which can disprove the author's assertion. Possibly, people lived at BC constantly launch campaigns for educational purpose, like giving lectures of a specific field to school students or donating 何前面donation有点重了，换一个吧books to school libraries.不错 Solely emphasizing on government budget, like the author does, is oversimplification and thus unconvincing.

Finally, granted that difference on government budget of PC and BC is demonstrative and thus dissimilar attitude to public education of residents in the two cities in proved, assuming these two cities is a proper representative of all cities in Tree haven region is questionable.我不太清楚这个是不是逻辑错误，问问iq斑竹吧 No information concerning government budget, private donation or other factors which could show residential attitude on public education of cities other than the illustrated two. 可以具体说为什么这两个地方会特殊，其他地方怎么不特殊Therefore, the author fails to answer the question of whether PC and BC are exceptions in the region or suitable example from all cities. Before economic condition, resident number, and so forth are all considered in reasoning, the author conclusion on difference among cities in Tree haven region has little credibility.这段没有深度

To sum up, faulty comparison, incomplete thought, and mistake 用词不妥in choosing example render this argument an unconvincing one.

大有进步啊，不愧是斑竹，用的词都好高级，我都不得不开金山词霸了，呵呵。
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