[习作点评] ISSUE130 [winner小组]第一次作业 by迷失的自恋者 [复制链接]

迷失的自恋者
UID??2374122

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 268
注册时间: 2007-8-2
精华: 0
帖子: 0

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2007-8-4 22:24:17 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

之前写的因为没有保存，没有了，很郁闷的重写了一遍，语言很幼稚，而且开头结尾写的不好，请多多指教。。。

130.How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

提纲：观点：反对。
首先孩子的社会化程度对社会的发展有影响，但是社会化程度并不能决定社会的命运。
反对第二个观点，我们现在的社会正在向好的方面发展，没有证据能表明我们不会养孩子，不能带来一个更好的社会。

1.社会化程度对社会发展的确有影响。人是社会型生物，越社会化的人才能更好的利用自己拥有的资源，促进社会发展。同时，孩子在学习社会化的过
程中，学习合作，沟通，学习作为社会的一员该有的义务和责任，以及完善自身的道德；而与外界接触少的孩子，可能会产生不健康的心理，对社会有
惧怕，甚至是反社会的心理。

2.决定社会命运的并不是仅仅是社会化程度，还有很多其他因素。例子：牛顿，哥白尼，哥伦布。

3.没有证据表明我们不会养孩子，不能带来一个更好的社会。
现在的社会更有包容力
更加尊重妇女
个人的言论更加自由
政府和个人都开始注重保护环境
科技的发展让人们更有经济能力来满足自己的需求

519words

I can not agree with the speaker’s two claims. First, though how children are socialized today will effect the social development, it can not determine the destiny of society. Second, there is no evidence to prove the claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

One the first aspect, I concede that how children are socialized really does effect the development of society. On the first hand, human lives in the society, and anyone needs and has to communicate with others. The more one is socialized, the better he can utilize his own resource to benefit the society. One the second hand, children learn to cooperate, to communicate, and to be conscientious; however, children who have less opportunities to interact with others may engender unhealthy psychology – the fear of society, or even antisocial thought. Socialization can help children grow up to be outstanding and establish a better society.

However, on the second aspect, how children are socialized is only one of the factors which are keys to determine the destiny of society, and there are much more other factors. Newton, a outstanding scientist who made prominent contribution to human society both on physics and mathematics, achieved his fruitions not because of how he is socialized, but his fond of science. And let us turn to Copernicus, who put forward the heliocentric theory and changed people’s faith at his time, and his contribution results from his favor at astronomy and his seeking for truth, which have nothing with his socialization. Columbus, a great adventurer who had firm belief that the earth is round and proved his faith, found the American continent which is great contribution to mankind based on his curiosity of unknown and his spirit of adventure. From these examples we can see that socialization can not determine the destiny of society which is effected by complicated factors.

One the third aspect, there no evidence to prove that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. If a better society means compare with the human society a hundred years ago, I think children born a half-century ago were well raised. Nowadays, our society is more tolerance than before – different races, diverse beliefs, various thoughts exist harmoniously. And women are much more respected, and laws and constitutions are consummate to protect women’s rights. More liberty of speech is given, and different kinds of media emerge and provide people all-sided information. Government and groups of people are concerning at problems of environment, and this promise a better future. What is more, along with the development of technology, people are more satisfied for their financial capacity is strong enough to afford their desire. There are far more changes than I can point out, which show that our society are getting better than before.

To sum up, socialization of children today is important for the future of our society, however, it is not the only one key factor. And under the efforts of generations of people, our society will have a bright future.

[ 本帖最后由迷失的自恋者于 2007-8-4 22:35 编辑 ]

回应
0

使用道具举报

rabbit_doggle
UID??2373216

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 0
寄托币: 745
注册时间: 2007-8-1
精华: 0
帖子: 3

沙发

发表于 2007-8-5 11:08:33 |只看该作者

兔兔来了

I can not agree with the speaker’s two claims. First, though how children are socialized today will effect the social development, it can not determine the destiny of society. Second, there is no evidence to prove the claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
One the first aspect, I concede that how children are socialized really does effect the development of society. On the first hand, human lives in the society, and anyone needs and has to communicate with others. The more one is socialized, the better he can utilize his own resource to benefit the society. One the second hand, children learn to cooperate, to communicate, and to be conscientious; however, children who have less opportunities to interact with others may engender unhealthy psychology – the fear of society, or even antisocial thought. Socialization can help children grow up to be outstanding and establish a better society.
However, on the second aspect, how children are socialized is only one of the factors which are keys to determine the destiny of society, and there are much more other factors. Newton, a outstanding scientist who made prominent contribution to human society both on physics and mathematics, achieved his fruitions not because of how he is socialized, but his fond of sciencenot only…but also..会不会好一些因为两个因素都很重要. And let us turn to Copernicus, who put forward the heliocentric theory and changed people’s faith at his time, and his contribution results from his favor at astronomy and his seeking for truth, which have nothing with his socialization. Columbus, a great adventurer who had firm belief that the earth is round and proved his faith, found the American continent which is great contribution to mankind based on his curiosity of unknown and his spirit of adventure三个例子论述的都不错,希望大虾能弄出来放到回复版里供大家借鉴. From these examples we can see that socialization can not determine the destiny of society which is effected by complicated factors最好是不要否定socialization,两个都重要.除了它之外还有别的.
One the third aspect, there no evidence to prove that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. If a better society means compare with the human society a hundred years ago, I think children born a half-century ago were well raised这句我见过,用在这里很不错,值得借鉴. Nowadays, our society is more tolerance than before – different races, diverse beliefs, various thoughts exist harmoniously. And women are much more respected, and laws and constitutions are consummate to protect women’s rights. More liberty of speech is given, and different kinds of media emerge and provide people all-sided information. Government and groups of people are concerning at with比较多见吧problems of environment, and this promise a better future. What is more, along with the development of technology, people are more satisfied for用as会不会好些 their financial capacity is strong enough to afford their desire. There are far more changes than whatI can point out, which show that our society are getting better than before.
To sum up, socialization of children today is important for the future of our society, however, it is not the only one key factor. And under the efforts of generations of people, our society will have a bright future.
逻辑性很强,条理很清晰,如果再能在语言上多些亮点,就更完美了.很稀饭你的风格呀.不像我写东西拖拖拉拉的~值得学习.同时希望能将文中例子以及好的论证提取放到回复版里,供大家享用~

使用道具举报

twobirds
UID??113329

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 0
寄托币: 381
注册时间: 2002-10-17
精华: 0
帖子: 7

板凳

发表于 2007-8-5 17:39:50 |只看该作者

I can not agree with the speaker’s two claims. First, though how children are socialized today will effect （affect）the social development, it can not determine the destiny of society. Second, there is no evidence to prove the claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

One the first aspect, I concede that how children are socialized really does effect (affect)the development of society. On the first hand, human lives in the society, and anyone needs and has to communicate with others. The more one is socialized, the better he can utilize his own resource to benefit the society. One the second hand, children learn to cooperate, to communicate, and to be conscientious; however, children who have less opportunities to interact with others may engender unhealthy psychology – the fear of society, or even antisocial thought. Socialization can help children grow up to be outstanding and establish a better society. 1-1、你的outline写得很好，但是这一段中很多逻辑关系的词，个人觉得把各层关系反而表达的有点混乱，你的on the first hand 和on the second hand中间的内容是不是可以合并，还有however是跟哪一层关系转折。1-2、还有个人建议可以用一些复合句把简单句组合起来，使句子看起来更紧凑，。比如human lives in the society, and anyone needs and has to communicate with others，中文的意思是人们生活在社会上，任何人需要并且不得不和其他人交流，可以直接说We, human beings, live in a socialized context which requires communication between each other.

However, on the second aspect, how children are socialized is not（the）only one of the factors which are keys
to determine the destiny of society, and there are much more other factors. 觉得要指明一些其他的因素到底是些什么，比如科学领域的进步、生产力的推动等等，然后再举例子。否则这些例子支撑的到底是什么因素，有点困惑。个人觉得需要一些衔接。Newton, a outstanding scientist who made prominent contribution to human society both on physics and mathematics, achieved his fruitions not because of how he is socialized, but his fond of science. And let us turn to Copernicus, who put forward the heliocentric theory and changed people’s faith at his time, and his contribution results from his favor at astronomy and his seeking for truth, which have nothing with his socialization. Columbus, a great adventurer who had firm belief that the earth is round and proved his faith, found the American continent which is great contribution to mankind based on his curiosity of unknown and his spirit of adventure. From these examples we can see that socialization can not determine the destiny of society which is effected by complicated factors.

One the third aspect, there （is） no evidence to prove that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. If a better society means compare （comparing）with the human society a hundred years ago, I think children born a half-century ago were well raised. Nowadays, our society is more tolerance(tolerant) than before – different races, diverse beliefs, various thoughts exist harmoniously. And (不需要and)women are much more respected, and laws and constitutions are consummate to protect women’s rights(这两个句子也可以合并成一个由逻辑关系的复合句). More liberty of speech is given, and different kinds of media emerge and provide people all-sided information. Government and groups of people are concerning at problems of environment, and this promise a better future. What is more, along with the development of technology, people are more satisfied for their financial capacity is strong enough to afford their desire. There are far more changes than I can point out, which show that our society are getting better than before.

To sum up, socialization of children today is important for the future of our society, however, it is not the only one key factor. And under the efforts of generations of people, our society will have a bright future.

总得来说，我觉得你的思路挺好的，先部分肯定Socialization的作用，然后再补充社会发展需要其他因素的推动，最后通过实际对比，说明没有迹象表明我们没有掌握培养孩子创造出美好未来的方法。只是在文章段落内部的句子，注意一些衔接，那样你的文章就更好了！：）

坚持就是胜利……

使用道具举报