[未归类] 0910AW 同主题写作第二期 [复制链接]

greenxs
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-6-6 21:07:05 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 greenxs 于 2009-8-24 12:29 编辑

。

一学那贤良的王二姐，二学那开磨坊的李三娘

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lucarl
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沙发

发表于 2009-6-7 12:53:13 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 lucarl 于 2009-6-7 12:59 编辑

回改回改~多多交流~

The publisher asserts that they should decrease their emphasis on international news and refrain from them on magazine covers. This idea seems relatively sound, however, the publisher fails to thoroughly well-reasoned（这个动词…to do）it by the evidences of poorest-selling with covering by international news stories over (the) past three years, of diminishing such news covers by their competing company and of increasing maintaining cost by their foreign bureaus.最后面这几句of连用（姑且称为of连用~），稍嫌啰嗦。改一下，例如 by the evidence including their poorest-selling news-covered magazines comparing with the better ones of the competing magazines, and the fact that the increasing cost of their foreign bureaus. 总之就是把话说简单的意思~

First of all, the publisher overlooks other alternatives which could lead to poorest-selling magazine issues.这个词用的好，我当时就想找“期刊”这个词来着，可惜总也找不到~. There are several reasons could affect people purchase magazines.读起来怪~改成impact on the sale？The first is the publisher needs to provide environment of magazine market. As we know that（这个that可以省去）, our magazine market truly changes a lot with decreasing of magazine booths and increasing of magazines' net.这句是说杂志的销售网点吗？ If all magazines are being in the poor-selling status, our poor-selling issue can not ascribe international news cover.这句主语是poor-selling issue 谓语是ascribe，那么就不合适了。建议改一改，例如：we cannot blame the poor-selling on the international covers. In addition, the publisher does not rule out the possibility that their magazines' quality may have an effect on their selling. As（去掉这个as） when consumers decide to buy magazines, they may notice the packing, the cover, or the quality of paper and printing. Therefore, the conclusion which the publisher suggests might be effective if all of these possibilities could be excluded.这句给我的感觉很符合native英语的风格，赞~

在思路上中规中矩的一段，讲可能影响杂志销量的其他因素，不可只看封面，一叶障目。

Moreover, the publisher gives evidence that competing news-magazines have decreased the number of cover stories of international news. From this evidence we could find that the publisher assume our company and competing company are facing the same issue, besides,（感觉这里直接用and就好，可能你是想要强调一下后面的what the competing magazines do，呃，具体怎么改我也没有想法，不过besides给人的感觉怪怪的…）what the competing magazines doing now will really solve the problem. But the publisher needs to supply more information about the actual reason that the competing company diminishes the scale of international news. Even if the two companies are in the same condition and face the same problem, the publisher has to show the result and advantages of competing magazines' doing this.（怪怪的，改成competing magazines’ move~） Do they really get profits? If this method does work, our company could make the decision.

讲竞争者封面少登国际新闻是否对销量有影响，进一步发展挖掘

Last but not least, the publisher shows that the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing. However, if the cost of all magazines and incomes are all increased, this is will be a totally different story. Since if the income and expenses are balanced, the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus will not lead to affect the profits of selling all magazines. Also, decreasing emphasis on international news and refrain from international news on magazine covers will not truly effective to the poor-selling crisis.这一段思维貌似有点儿乱，是想说减少海外部的工作量以降低成本和销量无关是吗？想法很好，再组织一下语言会更好~耐心，加油~

谈到了减少国际新闻和海外部开销的问题，感觉是隔靴搔痒，少了一针见血的中心句。感觉作者心里有东西，但说来说去不到位~

All in all, in case bring unnecessary losses,（要说“以免”的话，so as not to 以及 in order to avoid都是不错的选择~） the publisher should rule out all the possibilities, before suggesting the conclusion, which is the changing of environment of magazine market, more information about the reason and result that the competing company take this action, and enough evidences to attest the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus indeed affect our magazines profit.

开头和结尾就不说了~

第一次修改作文，文中我感觉不合适的建议修改的地方都尽力给出了我的改法，以示认真修改同学的习作，另外也为开阔用词套路，毕竟大家写作风格都不同。

咳咳，就这么多，经常互改哦~

p.s. 改作文是挑毛病，说话有不到的地方千万别介意~呵呵

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greenxs
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板凳

发表于 2009-6-7 20:24:52 |只看该作者

吼吼~~谢谢拍砖，分析的很到位

The publisher asserts that they should decrease their emphasis on international news and refrain from them on magazine covers. This idea seems relatively sound, and he/she provides evidences that covering by international news stories have not been selling well over the past three years, the rival company has steadily diminished news covers of international news, and maintaining cost of their foreign bureaus is increasing. However, the publisher fails to take into account other market conditions thoroughly.

First of all, the publisher overlooks other alternatives which could lead to poorest-selling magazine issues. There are several reasons could affect people purchase magazines. The first is the publisher needs to provide environment of magazine market. As we know that, the magazine market truly changes a lot with decreasing of magazine booths and increasing of magazines' net. If all magazines are being in the poor-selling status, our poor-selling issue can not ascribe international news cover. In addition, the publisher does not rule out the possibility that their magazines' quality may have an effect on their selling. Since when consumers decide to buy magazines, they may notice the packing, the cover, or the quality of paper and printing. Therefore, the conclusion which the publisher suggests might be effective if all of these possibilities could be excluded.

Moreover, the publisher gives evidence that competing news-magazines have decreased the number of cover stories of international news. From this evidence we could find that the publisher assume our company and competing company are facing the same issue, and what the competing magazines doing now will really solve the problem. But the publisher needs to supply more information about the actual reason that the competing company diminishes the scale of international news. Even if the two companies are in the same condition and face the same problem, the publisher has to show the result and advantages of what the competing company has got. Do they really get profits? If this method does work, our company could make the decision.

Last but not least, the publisher shows that the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus is increasing. However, if the cost and incomes of our magazines are all increased, this is will be a totally different story. Since if the income and expenses are balanced, the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus will not lead to affect the company’s profits. So decreasing emphasis on international news and refraining from international news on magazine covers will not truly effective to the poor-selling crisis.

All in all, in order to avoid bring unnecessary losses, the publisher should rule out all the possibilities, before suggesting the conclusion, which is the changing of environment of magazine market, more information about the reason and result that the competing company take this action, and enough evidences to attest the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus indeed affect our magazines profit.

2# lucarl

一学那贤良的王二姐，二学那开磨坊的李三娘

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xiaoxiaoW
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地板

发表于 2009-6-9 21:18:52 |只看该作者

3# greenxs
你好啊我是你的楼下因为我今天有考试所以改的晚了些。抱歉
毒舌来啦~
The publisher asserts that they shoulddecrease their emphasis on international news and refrain from them onmagazine covers. This idea seems relatively sound, and he/she providesevidences that covering by international news stories have not beenselling well over the past three years, the rival company has steadilydiminished news covers of international news, and maintaining cost oftheir foreign bureaus is increasing这点应该是第三点原因但是读起来好像是第二点的一部分，建议重新组织一下. However, the publisher fails totake into account是不是应该加of？这个我不确定…… other market conditions thoroughly.

Firstof all, the publisher overlooks other alternatives这个词句子意思表达不上去不如写成alternate reasons which could lead topoorest-selling magazine issues. There are several reasons could affectpeople purchase magazines.与前句意思略有重复而且 affectpeople purchase magazines用的不好The first is the publisher needs to provideenvironment 用单数形式的话缺少介词of介词用的不对 magazine market. As we know that, the magazine markettruly changes a lot with decreasing of magazine booths and increasing这两个都不能当名词用of magazines' net. If all magazines are being in the poor-sellingstatus, our poor-selling issue can not ascribe应该用被动态 tointernational newscover. In addition, the publisher does not rule out the possibilitythat their magazines' quality may have an effect on their selling.Since when consumers decide to buy magazines, they may notice thepacking, the cover, or the quality of paper and printing. Therefore,the conclusion which the publisher suggests might be effective if allof these possibilities could be exclude这句话有点儿不伦不类整个语义转了180度是模版吗这个不好，翻译过来看看自己都说不通.应该说因为这些原因作者的观点行不通而不是排除了这些因素作者的观点就能说的通因为你在前面一直是在反驳这个argument 而不是改正它
第一段写的很保守指出了不能把封面作为销量下降的原因

Moreover, the publishergives evidence that competing news-magazines have decreased the numberof cover stories of international news. From this evidence we couldfind that the publisher assume our company and competing company arefacing the same issue, and what the competing magazines doing now前面用的是现在完成时 willreally solve the problem. But the publisher needs to supply moreinformation about the actual reason that the competing companydiminishes the scale of international news这句话与前后的衔接不太好 but感觉很怪也许把but后面加上to strengthen the conclude会好点. Even if the two companiesare in the same condition and face the same problem, the publisher hasto show the result and advantages of what the competing company hasgot. Do they really get profits? If this method does work, our companycould make the decision.
这段写的很好；逻辑严密语言紧凑

Last but not least, thepublisher shows that the cost of maintaining foreign bureaus isincreasing. However, if the cost and incomes of our magazines are allincreased, this is will be a totally different story个人感觉这个攻击不好因为前面已经说了那几期市销量最低的，而且维持机构运作的费用在增加。这样的话不存在销量和维护费用同时增加的可能也许可以对将来的可能进行说明但用现在时的这句不好个人意见. Since if theincome and expenses are balanced, the cost of maintaining foreignbureaus will not lead to affect the company’s profits. So decreasingemphasis on international news and refraining from international newson magazine covers will not truly effective to the poor-selling crisis.也许你想表达的是销量和成本无关但表达方式有点问题模糊不清

Allin all, in order to avoid bring加ing unnecessary losses, the publishershould rule out all尽量别太绝对 the possibilities, before suggesting theconclusion, which is the changing of environment of magazine market,more information about the reason and result that the competing companytake this action, 找不到主语和宾语and enough evidences to attest the cost ofmaintaining foreign bureaus indeed affect our magazines profit.最后一句插入语用的很乱应该简明易懂肯定一点

我把自己觉得不完善的地方都指了出来有异议的地方欢迎与我讨论另外我个人的感觉你的语法不太好有很多句子结构有问题。不知道是不是这样改作文嘛话说的可能有些过分先请个原谅。

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