[i习作temp] Issue16 [快刀杀鸡]7/14 作业by daisyhhh [复制链接]

daisyhhh
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-7-15 03:26:28 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

第一篇习作完成。。。有点乱。。。表达不太清楚见谅~~~

Issue16:Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals."

基本观点：反对作者观点
1． 1.提出自己的基本观点：反对作者关于奢侈与便利阻挡人们成为独立坚强个体的观点
2．2.生活的便利并不是人们称为独立坚强个体的绊脚石，而是在提高工作效率和满意程度等方面帮助人们培养独立坚强的个性
3．3.安逸便利与独立坚强之间没有必然的联系，一部分人即便是生活穷困潦倒或生活中没有现代生活的便利，但是依旧没有培养出独立坚强的个性。我们必须辨证的看待安逸生活与独立性格培养之间的关系
4du4.对于坚强与独立的定义是什么？每个人的观点都不一样。同样的事情，在一部分人眼里是坚强独立的体现，而另外一些人则认为是一种不善于利用资源的愚蠢。
5． 5.让步承认确实有一些现象表明安逸的生活使人迷失生活的目标，但是这种影响是由我们自己控制的，我们要做的就是善于利用它，完善自身。

outline
1. standpoint: I would like to opposite to the statement above
2.Hardly can luxuries and conveniences prevent people from being truly strong and independent, on the contrary, too often, they contribute to build positive and necessary characters by enhancing efficiency and satisfying social expectations.
3.Luxuries and convenience is irrelevant with strength and independence.
4.What is the definition of being strong and independent? There are a thousand Hamlets in a thousand people’s eye, so is the character.
5.What we should do is make full use of the luxuries and convenience in the modern and accelerating-developing society, and finally improve our own.

The speaker asserts that in the contemporary society, luxuries and convenience considered helpful to individuals, negatively affect the development of strength and independence in characters. After pondering it upon many occasions, I would like to oppose to the statement above for obvious reasons.

Hardly can luxuries and conveniences prevent people from being truly strong and independent, on the contrary, too often, they contribute to build positive and necessary characters by enhancing efficiency and satisfying social expectations. Consider shopping online, for example. Nowadays, many people shop online rather than visit the shopping mall because it is comparatively convenient and interesting to individuals, especially the youth. Shopping-online serves customers a wide variety of products while saving time and enhancing purchase and work efficiency enormously and powerfully. Without spending plenty of time on market shopping, much of which is unnecessary and meaningless, people are expected to be efficient and devote themselves into work and ability practice. Gradually, they become strong and independent.

Luxuries and convenience is irrelevant with strength and independence. This can be illustrated by considering people who suffers from poverty and starvation, and are not able to make use of facility and convenience. A century ago, convenience and facilities were considerably less than that of today, people seemed to boast much leisure time for the sake of being more easily satisfied with social expectation. However, being isolate from luxuries and convenience, they still fail to built the character of strength and independence. In all, significant is to consider the relevance between pleasure and character built dialectically.

What is the definition of being strong and independent? There are a thousand Hamlets in a thousand people’s eye, so is the character. Take automobiles for example, which is considered the symbol of contemporary society convenience. Quite a few probably argue that it is unnecessary to take the automobiles when in a picnic or climbing to the epoch of mountain. Travel and climbing on foot shows great power and independence. However, others would like to take the opposite view and consider it a waste of time and strength.

Granted, in some cases, individuals actually lose the target of life and the characters of strength and independence because of luxuries and convenience. Fortunately, we can control it. What we should do is make full use of the luxuries and convenience in the modern and accelerating-developing society, and finally improve our own.

辛苦帮我改的大大~辛苦辛苦~

daisyhhh, issue16

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沙发

发表于 2009-7-15 23:00:26 |只看该作者

明天修改好请莫要灼急呵呵

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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daisyhhh
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板凳

发表于 2009-7-16 08:51:15 |只看该作者

呵呵好的谢谢你了~ 2# 葡萄熟了

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地板

发表于 2009-7-16 11:05:38 |只看该作者

The speaker asserts that in the contemporary society, luxuries and convenience considered helpful to individuals, negatively affect the development of strength and independence in characters. After pondering it upon many occasions, I would like to oppose to the statement abovfor obvious reasons. (对于这个句子，楼主是不是在哪见过这样的例句，还是自己写出来的句子，总感觉句法不对。建议多参照例句，一般自创的复杂句都是先天不足)
Hardly can luxuries and conveniences prevent people from being truly strong and independent, on the contrary, too often, they contribute to build positive and necessary characters by enhancing efficiency and satisfying social expectations(有这种搭配吗一般说live up to 或者meet  expectation ). Consider shopping online, for example. Nowadays, many people shop online rather than visiting the shopping mall because it is comparatively convenient and interesting to individuals, especially the youth. Shopping-online serves customers a wide variety of products while(at the same time) saving time and enhancing purchase and work efficiency enormously and powerfully. Without spending plenty of time on market shopping, much of which (指代不明啊按就近原则，这个which应该指market吧)is unnecessary and meaningless, people are expected to be efficient and devote themselves into work and ability practice. Gradually, they become strong  and independent.

Luxuries and convenience is irrelevant with strength and independence. This can be illustrated by considering people who suffers from poverty and starvation, and are not able to make use of facility and convenience. A century ago, convenience and facilities were considerably less than that of today, people seemed to boast much leisure time for the sake of being more easily satisfied with social expectation. (主干是什么那个是主谓宾是不是应该在 a century ago 后面加 during which time)However, being isolate from luxuries and convenience, they still fail to built(build) the character of strength and independence. In all(in all 是as a total 总共总计的意思；”总的来说” 应该是 all in all), what is significant is to consider the relevance between pleasure and character built dialectically.

What is the definition of being strong and independent? There are a thousand Hamlets in a thousand people’s eye, so is the character. Take automobiles for example, which is considered to be the symbol of contemporary society convenience. Quite a few probably argue that it is unnecessary to take the automobiles when in a picnic or climbing to the epoch(?) of the mountain. Travel and climbing on foot shows great power and independence. However, others would like to take the opposite view and consider it a waste of time and strength.

Granted(啥意思啊，我不明白唉 ), in some cases, individuals actually lose the target of life and the characters of strength and independence because of luxuries and convenience. Fortunately, we can control it. What we should do is to make full use of the luxuries and convenience in the modern and accelerating-developing society, and finally improve our own.

1.整体感觉：句子不太通顺，不太连贯。段与段之间衔接不好。文章整体结构比较散，逻辑关系不明了，这个从你的提纲里就可以感觉到。
2.单词用的倒是挺多的，不过给人一种堆砌的感觉,若楼主能在好好修炼一下遣词造句，效果会更好
3.有些词我认为楼主用的不太对比如说搭配  用法什么的  一旦心里不太清楚该词的用法一定不要想当然的去用，一定要查的明明白白再用
3.论证的不太有力度，不过这是新手们的通病，我也是这样  多收集一些强有力的例子素材会进步不小吧
4.感觉倒数第二段写的特牵强，这与主题有什么逻辑上的联系呢？就像横插了一棒似的
由于水平有限，我也是个菜鸟所以只能提出这些肤浅的建议，再深层次的我就无能为力了呵呵
5. 加油!

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