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bairong
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电梯直达

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发表于 2015-7-20 21:33:52 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-8-18 20:52 编辑

先介绍一下自己，2015年7月10日第一次考GRE，作文刚出分，AW3.0，8月29日还要再考一次，目标AW4.0以上。

第一次复习时，考前不久的一段时间才看到王老师的GRE作文6分教学博客，之前看过北美范文，高频作文全文模仿着写了不少，王老师博客里的范文跟着看了一遍，但当时的主要目的是怕考场上遇到从来没见过的题不会写，所以呢。。。

今天2015年7月20日开始，本人加入作文互改，努力提高，希望老师和同学们多多帮助指正~~~

我有两个小问题：一是不知道怎么加阅读权限:L 二是现在还有GRE作文句子加油站吗，如果没有了，可以每周有一次吗:lol

授权声明：本人为寄托ID3607808的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

tesolchina的学生, 需要批改

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沙发

发表于 2015-7-20 21:35:47 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-8-18 20:56 编辑

3楼 7.20 ISSUE91       老师已点评，修改后已点评，还没再修改
4楼 7.21 ARGUMENT54 老师已点评，已修改
5楼 7.22 ISSUE78       老师已点评，主旨句已修改，请老师先帮忙看看，后面的例子我再想还没看
6楼 7.23 ARGUMENT62  已评，已修改
7楼 7.24 ARGUMENT77  辨析假设的专项练习
8楼 7.27 ISSUE100    已评，已修改
14楼 7.28 ARGUMENT100 已评，已修改
15楼 7.29 ISSUE105 已评，已修改
16楼 7.30 ARGUMENT34 已评，已修改

30楼 8.18 ARGUMENT5 请老师批改

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板凳

发表于 2015-7-20 21:36:49 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-7-27 19:47 编辑

ISSUE 91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

你这是写提纲么

I agree that the chief function of technology is to increase people's efficiency in order to provide more leisure time, as the speaker asserts. Admittedly, some people think that the efficiency brought by technological progress makes people accomplish a task in shorter period of time and have to engage in more tasks. Yet in my view, technology not only brings people leisure time but also provides human “leisure” or free thinking, which is more important that stems from the advance of efficiency.

makes people accomplish -- enables ... to ...
which is more important that stems from the advance of efficiency.句子结构
你一开始同意但是注意题目用的是should  你却是is to
然后你后面又有一个yet  所以你到底是同意还是不同意呢

题目要求的是  you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

我建议你按照1+3模型来写
从题目要求来看需要你指出在哪些情况下命题是否成立
你下面基本没有按照题目要求来写

修改后先写提纲，按照1+3模型，写几篇提纲后，如果老师觉得可以，我再开始写全文。
In today’s society, technology has dramatically revolutionized the world and changed people’s lives. It is important for us to reflect on the goal of technological advancement and its consequences. I agree that the chief function of technology should be to increase people’s efficiency. But whether or not the result of increasing efficiency means more leisure time depends on the different groups of people in the society and the goal they have in their life. For groups of people such as ordinary employees and retired people, the efficiency brought by technological progress enables them to enjoy more leisure time, because most of them hope to live a happy life if possible. On the other hand, academic researchers who persistently pursue more knowledge will find technological innovation to put heavier tasks and keep faster pace in the way of research work.

because most of them hope to live a happy life if possible. 这个好像所有人都想过幸福生活？

When it comes to wage earners in companies or factories, technological advancement should be concerned on increasing efficiency, and consistent with the life goals of these employees, efficiency serves to provide additional time for them to make social activities.
living ideas 是什么？
这句话的断句有问题
make leisure activities 搭配
ordinary employees这个概念不太清晰你想说普通职员工薪阶层？  好像找不到很合适的英语表达
wage earner?
不太明白你打算如何展开这个身份有什么特点会导致针对他们的技术发展的目标就应该是什么

With respect to elder people retiring from the world of work, they actually can enjoy more leisure time as a result of technological development.

While the goal of developing technologies should be to help academic researchers carry out their research work more efficiently, academic researchers will have to own a busier and more stressful life due to the objective and requirement they have to meet in their life and career.

conduct a busier and more stressful life 搭配
they have to meet

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地板

发表于 2015-7-21 20:50:33 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-7-28 19:34 编辑

超时了，自己写得有点绕，王老师和互改小伙伴帮着看看吧，谢谢~
Argument 54) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the large mammal species that had lived in the forests of the Kaliko Islands had become extinct. Yet humans cannot have been a factor in the species' extinctions, because there is no evidence that the humans had any significant contact with the mammals. Further, archaeologists have discovered numerous sites where the bones of fish had been discarded, but they found no such areas containing the bones of large mammals, so the humans cannot have hunted the mammals. Therefore, some climate change or other environmental factor must have caused the species' extinctions.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

The author argues that the large mammal species' extinctions have been caused by certain climate change or other environmental factor instead of humans influence. Three assumptions the author based on that lack of contact between humans and the mammals, the discovery of bones of fish but no bones of large mammals, and the cause of climate change or other environmental factor need to be further discussed.

第二句的句子结构有问题

To begin with, the author assumes that humans lack of any apparent contact with the mammals shows that humans have little to do with the extinctions of mammals. Yet humans could cause the species' extinctions without direct contact with the mammals. Possibly since humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands, their habitation made a great effect on the previous mammals inhabited regions. For example, humans might capture fish as their main food source, which was the most important prey of the mammals. Thus most fish were eaten by people and the mammals unfortunately died of hungry although humans did not directly kill or had any significant contact with them.

Possibly since - it is possible that
哺乳动物吃鱼？
hunger
humans lack of any apparent contact- human's
原题说的是没有证据而不是这件事没发生没证据并不一定代表没发生可能是证据找不到  这个点好像应该写一下
至于你这里说的可能间接影响也成立但是可能要放到后面去
或许不必具体说鱼被人吃了也许是小动物或者植物总之食物链被破坏了

Besides, the author suggests that the discovery of bones of fish but no bones of large mammals indicates that the humans cannot have hunted the mammals, which is based on a hasty assumption. There is a large possibility that the bones of mammals have been taken by humans for religious purpose or used for making tools, weapons, structures and so forth. The bones of mammals might also be taken by other animals for many reasons, such as birds using the bones to defend their nests. So the absence of mammals' bones cannot convince us that the humans have scarce contact with the mammals.

这里的assumption是什麽  你没说出来
It is further assumed that humans must leave the mammals' bone on the sites if they hunted them.
large possibility的搭配以及这里不能说机会很大只能说有这种可能性

小鸟用大型哺乳动物的骨头防御鸟窝汗惊人的想象力
have scarce contact with the mammals. -这里应该hunted 要忠实原题的意思

Moreover, the author asserts that climate change or other environmental factor results in the mammals' extinctions. It is based on an assumption that the mammals cannot weather in the shift climate or other environmental change. We are not informed from the passage about any clues of the trend of climate or environmental change during the 7000-year period of time or the situation of other animals and humans in the Kaliko Islands. We need to know the difference of climate or other environmental condition between within 7000 years and within 3000 years when the number of mammals started to decrease. Perhaps the climate condition already became more clement than before and the mammals couldn’t possibly fail to accustom to the climate change. We should also know other animals and humans surviving situation during the given period of time. If other animals and humans all can live in the terrible climate or environmental condition, the cause of mammals’ extinctions might not totally blame to the climate or environmental change but links to other unfounded clues.

weather in the shift climate or other environmental change.
weather这里做动词？后面不能跟介词吧
感觉这个assumption不太合适
作者得出最后这个结论的思路是
既然A不是原因那就一定是B 这里的假设应该是可能的原因只有A和B 所以我们可能讨论其他原因C 比如人类对环境的影响间接导致extinction等等
你这一段到底想说啥有点看（懒）不（得）懂（看）

In conclusion, the author’s argument is based on some untested assumptions. And we need more information to examine the evidence. If these assumptions do not hold true, the conclusion will be not accepted. (483)

修改后The author argues that the large mammal species' extinctions have been caused by certain climate change or other environmental factor instead of humans influence. Three assumptions of the argument about lack of contact between humans and the mammals, the discovery of bones of fish but no bones of large mammals, and the cause of climate change or other environmental factor need to be further discussed.

To begin with, the author assumes that lack of evidence about any apparent contact between humans and the mammals shows that humans have little to do with the extinctions of mammals. And this is based on the assumption that the absence of evidence about contact means no such contact. However, since the possible contact would have occurred from 7000 years ago to 4000 years ago, many traces left for the contact might have simply disappeared over the long period of time. On the other hand, humans could cause the species' extinctions without direct contact with the mammals. It is possible that humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands, their habitation made a great effect on the previous mammals inhabited regions. For example, humans might capture small animals as their main food source, which was the most important prey of the mammals. Thus the food chain in the Kaliko Islands was damaged, and the mammals might be suffered by the shortage of food although humans did not directly kill or had any significant contact with them.

Besides, it is further assumed that humans must leave the mammals' bone on the sites if they hunted them. But there exists a possibility that the bones of mammals have been taken by humans for religious purpose or used for making tools, weapons, structures and so forth. The bones of mammals might also be taken by other animals for many reasons, such as birds using the bones to defend their nests. So the absence of mammals' bones cannot convince us that the humans have not hunted the mammals.

Moreover, the author asserts that climate change or other environmental factor results in the mammals' extinctions. It is based on an assumption that if the extinctions of large mammals were not caused by humans, it must be resulted from climate change or other environmental factors. But maybe the human settlement in the Islands was the main cause of the dramatic changes in climate or environment that would ultimately lead to the extinctions of the large mammals. If this is true, the arrival of humans would still be considered as a significant factor for the extinctions of large mammals.
我这段是想说大型哺乳动物的灭绝不是气候变化造成的。老师说的对AB以外的C原因这样写比较好。改了。

In conclusion, the author’s argument is based on some untested assumptions. And we need more information to examine the evidence. If these assumptions do not hold true, the conclusion will be not accepted.

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发表于 2015-7-22 23:32:30 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-7-31 21:25 编辑

ISSUE 78) People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

先写提纲，按照1+3模型，写几篇提纲后，如果老师觉得可以，我再开始写全文。
这篇分成人生的不同阶段写，用了social groups的概念。本来是想和老师一样写society通过social groups影响周围环境，但写着写着就发现我写的完全是赞同题目的观点啊，遂形成下文，不知道行不行，请老师指正修改。
一个感受是词穷，同样的词翻来覆去说，找不出替代的词汇或句型:L

I agree with the statement that people’s attitudes are largely determined by their immediate situation or surroundings rather than by society as a whole. Our society consists of various social groups, while social groups identify people and make people influenced by the small groups instead of by the large society. Social groups determines the immediate situation or surroundings around people, thus affecting their fundamental attitudes. Children engage in study groups and their study attitudes are seriously influenced by the groups they sit in instead of by the entire society; adults join in work groups and their attitudes towards things differentiate due to their belonging groups; elder people take part in leisure social groups and their attitudes about life purpose are also influenced by such groups, not by society as a whole.
老师，我把主旨句改了一下（红字），请您帮忙修改，后面的例子我再想想。

题目要求比较社会和环境你加入社会群体这个概念需要和社会联系起来最终形成的观点要回答究竟社会还是环境对态度的影响更大显然在你的主旨句里没有明确回答这个问题  你需要调整一下主旨句的措辞  更加明确的回应题目提出你的观点

另外你的主旨句里没有针对后面的主题句内容进行概括
看样子社会群体更接近immediate situation and surrounding 或许你需要调整一下主旨句
或者说人所在的群体决定了他们周围的环境以及他们的态度

后面展开的时候需要具体的事例
比如说的士司机对Uber的态度

When children enter kindergartens, primary and secondary schools or even progress to universities, they naturally form social groups with certain peers apart from others, and their attitudes toward life, study or other important things are determined by such immediate situation or surroundings around them instead of by the entire society.

当young children进入幼儿园，他们倾向于和一些小朋友分享玩具，但不和另一些小朋友玩，他们对事物的喜好大大地被其所在的群体影响，而很少被整个社会的大环境所决定。当进入小学或中学，学生们总是会加入某种社团，女生们聚在一起玩不和男生玩，她们对生活的态度来源于她们的群体很少受到男生的影响，学生们建立各种俱乐部，在这些围绕他们的环境中形成各种态度，远远超过了整个社会对他们的影响。即使进入大学，大学生们还是热衷于加入社团，他们的人生观、世界观、价值观得益于社团的氛围，整个社会被关在门外。

As young adults finish their studies and start the next life stage of career, although most of them will also take the responsibility of family, in today’s society, I think occupation accounts for larger proportion for adults, thus who are still seriously affected by their immediate situation or surroundings-their work environment-rather than by society as a whole. 成年人花费一天中最多的时间在工作，他们大到对国家大事的态度，小到对娱乐八卦的态度都受到周围工作环境的影响，而未必取决于整个社会对这些事件的评价。如果成年人的上司是左翼，他的政治态度在长期耳濡目染中也会发生变化，尽管整个国家的趋势是向右。如果成年人所在公司的文化是开放包容，同事们对某明星的婚外情事件持宽容态度，他可能也会学会理解，而不像整个社会一边倒的批判态度。
Uber is the firm most embroiled in controversy, whether facing licensed taxi-drivers on the streets or demands from its own drivers in the courts.
Uber-drivers: We're a social-media-based ride share service. We bring the "fair" to "fares".
Taxi-dirvers: Those smart cars are cutting into our business. We used to get uber amounts of work giving people lifts.

When elder people retire from the world of work, their interests of taking part in leisure social groups arise, so their attitudes are also influenced by these social groups, never by the whole society. 退休的人们参加夕阳红旅行团，他们生活的态度完全被各地风光、旅行见闻所定义，无暇顾及社会的其他硝烟纷争。而另一些退休的人们加入了投资俱乐部，他们的态度一定随着股票基金价格的起伏所波动，大社会的风光与他们无关。

In conclusion, people’s attitudes are more determined by their immediate situation or surroundings. They spontaneously join certain social groups through their life journey, which construct their immediate situation and surroundings, thus forming, improving and changing their attitudes instead of the role of society as a whole.

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发表于 2015-7-23 22:39:22 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-7-31 21:42 编辑

Argument 62)The following appeared in a memo from the director of a large group of hospitals.

"In a laboratory study of liquid antibacterial hand soaps, a concentrated solution of UltraClean produced a 40 percent greater reduction in the bacteria population than did the liquid hand soaps currently used in our hospitals. During a subsequent test of UltraClean at our hospital in Workby, that hospital reported significantly fewer cases of patient infection than did any of the other hospitals in our group. Therefore, to prevent serious patient infections, we should supply UltraClean at all hand-washing stations throughout our hospital system.”

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

最近写作Argument都超时，原因是想得仔细吧。。
今天字数写得也不多，下文是自己修改过了。字数不多的原因是（1）思维跳跃了，上句话与下句话之间的逻辑联系不紧密，中间有的话没写出来。（2）应写一些具体的例子，不能全写笼统的话。
According to the director of the hospital group, UltraClean-a kind of liquid antibacterial hand soap-should be used in all hand-washing stations of hospitals in order to reduce cases of serious patient infections. A number of assumptions about the study result, the hospital, the infection are made to reach the conclusion. We need to further examine these assumptions to assess the strength of the argument.

applied - used

To begin with, it is assumed that the good result about UltraClean from the laboratory study could be applied in the practical hospital system. Yet the study result does not necessarily success in the real application. We are only informed from the director's memo that a concentrated solution of UltraClean made a good result in the laboratory study. But it is possible that the study samples and the study environment influence the final result and make the result not to be applied well in the real hospital environment. For example, the concentration of the active ingredient in higher in the lab samples but the UltraClean hand soap may become less effective when being used when washing hands. If the UltraClean is not effective in reducing the bacteria population, the recommendation may not be helpful.

results - used 搭配
study result does not necessarily perform well  搭配
题目中有关键词 concentrated  这个词的意思是浓缩的所以你后面提到的concentration的问题是合适的但是前面应该回应这个词

Furthermore, it is assumed that the use of Ultra Clean is the main reason why there are fewer cases of infection in the hospital in Workby. Some other reasons can be explained for the decreasing number of patient infection cases. Maybe more instructions of how effectively washing hands have been given to patients in the hospital. Another explanation is that those patients vulnerable to infection are less involved in the hospital. If other factors have contributed to the reduction of infection cases, it may not matter which brands of hand soap would be used to wash hands.

fewer cases of patient infection in the hospital in Workby shows the effectiveness搭配
不是较少个案显示而是个案较少这个事实显示
fewer cases of patient infection totally benefits 搭配问题
it is assumed that the use of Ultra Clean is the main reason why there are fewer cases of infection ...

Another assumption is that further reduction in the bacteria population can prevent serious patient infections. Since we cannot wash our hands with soaps to eliminate all of bacteria, whether the serious infections the director mentions can be eradicated through the complete application of UltraClean is open to doubt. The serious infection cases cannot be simply assumed to be caused due to bacteria found in hands. Perhaps the hand soap currently used has already kept the amount of bacteria at a level for which infection is unlikely.

serious infections the director mentions can be eradicated搭配
整个第一句有点多余
We need to know这句话和前面的连贯有问题
这里的assumption应该是bacteria found in hands are the main causes of serious infection cases
然后你就可以讨论有其他的严重感染个案可能来自其他途径的感染

In conclusion, the author’s argument is based on some harsh assumptions. And we need more information to examine the evidence. If these assumptions do not hold true, the conclusion will be not accepted. (461)

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发表于 2015-7-24 19:47:57 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-7-24 19:50 编辑

Argument 77）The following recommendation appeared in a memo from the mayor of the town of Hopewell.

"Two years ago, the nearby town of Ocean View built a new municipal golf course and resort hotel. During the past two years, tourism in Ocean View has increased, new businesses have opened there, and Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. Therefore, the best way to improve Hopewell's economy—and generate additional tax revenues—is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View.”

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

辨析假设的专项练习
Claim
the best way to improve Hopewell's economy - and generate additional tax revenues - is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View.

Data1
Two years ago, the nearby town of Ocean View built a new municipal golf course and resort hotel.

Data2
During the past two years, tourism in Ocean View has increased, new businesses have opened there

Data3
Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent

首段和三个假设的主题句
According to the mayor’s memo, the best way to improve Hopewell’s economy and generate additional tax revenues is to build a golf course and resort hotel. By citing the examples of the nearby town of Ocean View who adopted the similar moves two years ago, the mayor suggests that the two measures will prosper economy and increase tax revenues. A number of assumptions about the comparability between Hopewell and Ocean View, the cause of growth of tax revenues and the economic structure in Ocean View to evaluate the argument.

To begin with, it is assumed that the experience in Ocean View can be copied in Hopewell.

The mayor assumes that the growth of tax revenues in Ocean View benefits from building a new municipal golf course and resort hotel.

Another assumption is that 30% more tax revenues must be a significant evidence of economic growth.

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8楼

发表于 2015-7-27 21:14:11 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-7-28 19:53 编辑

ISSUE 100) Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

只写了开头段和中间第一段，语言问题要解决。
困难及体会：1）这道题的要求是discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take， consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position. 和以往分类型讨论的题目不一样。注重reasoning和对政策执行结果的讨论。
2）语言问题：一个大问题是词语的搭配，现在还是中文思维，写出的短语不符合习惯用法。

Should colleges and universities require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country? I don't think this is a reasonable requirement for two reasons: First, it adds students’ financial loads because studying abroad costs a large amount of money. Besides, the requirement of studying abroad for at least one semester also increases the burden of learning since students have to take more work of learning a foreign language and speed up the existing study tasks. As for many people’s concern about improving language levels when studying abroad, I would say only if students are willing to study, they can learn things in their own country almost equal to learning things in a foreign country so the policy of requiring students to study abroad should not be recommended.

你的开头段太长了
I will say I do disagree  studying abroad for at least one semester should- 这个句子太冗长了有些内容上句已经写了  I don't think this is a reasonable requirement for two reasons:

needs to cost- costs
more or less a respectable amount- a large amount 太冗长
the requirement of studying abroad for at least one semester also- this requirement also
you can learn things in your own country almost equal to what you learn in a foreign country so the policy of requiring students to study abroad should not be recommended. 句子结构

As for many people’s concern about multiple advantages of studying abroad不懂你的意思
I would say only if you 选词不要用you

To begin with, students should not be required to study abroad for at least one semester because the implementation of the policy makes students pay additional tuition and other fees. The cost of studying abroad is not low. The tuition fees in foreign universities are generally higher than that in the homeland. Although some exchange programs currently cover a part of tuition, transportation or living expenses, students actually still have to study abroad mostly by self-fund. Moreover, in future if colleges and universities require all students to study abroad, they might not have enough money to fund students and students have to pay a considerable amount of money by themselves. It will bring negative impact to students. For example, students have to take part-time jobs when studying abroad in order to compensate for costs of going abroad. Thus students will have less time to learn knowledge, which is harmful to their study plan.

cost - cheap 搭配
if colleges and universities require all students to study abroad, fewer students can get the opportunity of funding program 为什么？
Moreover之前还可以之后就不懂了

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tesolchina
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发表于 2015-7-27 22:53:57 |只看该作者

权限我帮你设了
那个反馈汇总表格你看看做一下
感觉你的语言表达问题有点大

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发表于 2015-7-28 18:58:12 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-27 22:53
权限我帮你设了
那个反馈汇总表格你看看做一下
感觉你的语言表达问题有点大

谢谢老师，反馈汇总表格在哪呢？我会跟着练习啦，不过语言表达问题还有什么方法可以解决呢？

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发表于 2015-7-28 19:16:47 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-27 22:53
权限我帮你设了
那个反馈汇总表格你看看做一下
感觉你的语言表达问题有点大

是句子订正模板吗，我找到了这个

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发表于 2015-7-28 19:40:22 |只看该作者

bairong 发表于 2015-7-28 19:16
是句子订正模板吗，我找到了这个

我好像发你私信了

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发表于 2015-7-28 19:55:44 |只看该作者

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-28 19:40
我好像发你私信了

然而我并没有收到，老师，麻烦您再发一遍吧~

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发表于 2015-7-28 21:39:32 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-7-30 21:25 编辑

ARGUMENT100) The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

写作前：把旧帖“作文句子加油站”又看了一遍，把这些天老师修改的句子、自改的句子整理了一下。先想好了Argument100的三个假设。
写作中：在写最后一个论点时，只剩两分钟了，没有多想具体内容怎么展开。
写作后：把语言表达问题自己订正了一下，有点不敢用词，怕写错，老师再帮忙修改了~

According to the group of developers, building a jazz music club in Monroe would be extremely profitable. By citing the examples of the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study, the group of developers reaches the above conclusion. A number of assumptions about the popularity of jazz festival and jazz radio program, the location of jazz musicians and the nearest jazz club, and the nationwide study need to be further scrutinized to evaluate the argument.
不错

To begin with, it is assumed that the popularity of jazz festival and jazz radio program guarantee that people will join a prospective jazz club in Monroe. The one-year record of attendees of jazz festival cannot indicate that people really like jazz music. Last summer, perhaps, Monroe's jazz festival provided free food, drink and air-conditioning to attract a large number of people to come to. Similarly, the highest-rated radio program 'Jazz Nightly' cannot confirm the interest of people in jazz music. It is possible that the program time is exactly the time when people drive back home after social activities on weekends. People choose to listen to the program just because they feel bored in their cars. If the cause of engaging in jazz festival and jazz radio program is not that people love jazz music, the prospective of building a jazz music club is not so optimistic.

ensure people to join a - guarantee that people will
perspective- prospective
show the interest of people - confirm 选词
they find boring- they feel bored
prospective词性

Another assumption is that the homes’ location of famous jazz musicians and the long distance to the nearest jazz club must be an evidence of profits of future jazz music club. There is no direct relationship between the location of jazz musicians' homes and the ability of making profits of a local jazz music club. And the fact that the nearest jazz club is more than an hour away may suggest that people in Monroe have little interest in joining any jazz music club. If people were eager to go to a jazz music club, there should have been a prospering jazz club in Monroe to serve the fans.

reversely evince that people- may suggest that ... (good point)

why such club would not be built near Monroe during a long period of time in the past.句子结构
there should have been a prospering jazz club in Monroe to serve the fans.

It is also assumed that the result of recent nationwide study implies that people would consume huge money in a jazz music club in Monroe. The study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends a large amount of money on jazz entertainment. Given the above analysis, there may be no big fans of jazz music in Monroe. And people who like jazz music have various choices to take other jazz entertainment activities instead of joining a jazz music club in Monroe. If the result of study cannot be applied in Monroe, the prediction of profits of jazz music club cannot be made with certainty.

people would cost huge money 选词 consume/ spend
Given to the above analysis- given the above analysis 动词用法

Perhaps the result of a nationwide study could not be applied in Monroe. The study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends a large amount of money on jazz entertainment. Given to the above analysis, there may be no big fans of jazz music in Monroe. 这几句话完全不连贯

In conclusion, the argument is based on some harsh assumptions. And we need more information to examine the evidence. If these assumptions do not hold true, the recommendation will be not accepted. （489）

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发表于 2015-7-29 22:19:28 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bairong 于 2015-7-31 22:08 编辑

ISSUE105) Claim: Imagination is a more valuable asset than experience.
Reason: People who lack experience are free to imagine what is possible without the constraints of established habits and attitudes.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

这周先写开头段和中间第一段吧。这篇我是琢磨了一下才写的，请老师指教~~
The speaker asserts that imagination is more valuable than experience because individuals who lack experience are free to imagine without the limits of existing habits and attitudes. I disagree with the statement because both scientists and artists must be based on previous experience to spur their imagination and then make unprecedented innovation. And with respect to technicians, who require far more experience than imagination in order to make accuarte decisions, experience plays a dominating role.
第一句里大量复制了原题的措辞这个很容易被erater发现的要用自己的话做同意转换
either scientists or artists - both ... and... 选词
technicists- technicians
precise decisions搭配

To begin with, experience weights high in scientists’ work because it can spur rich imagination that scientists are eager to own. Scientists cannot make scientific discoveries and inventions by sudden epiphanies. Without the relevant experience, imagination only becomes illusion. Consider the science fiction writer Jules Verne, who through imagination devised highly specific methods and means for transporting humans to outer space. How did he capture such imagination? He was rigorous in learning science and made his imagination based on existing science theories as much as possible. Before writing a story about transporting humans to outer space, he thoroughly studied on massive scientific problems such as aerodynamic, flight speed, zero gravity and so forth. Because of professional experience, his imagination was so remarkable that the actual methods and means for space flight turned out to be essentially the same ones as Verne’s creation nearly a century earlier.

weights拼写
你主题句里说的是scientist 到了例子却说的是science fiction writer
这个例子倒是说明文学创作需要经验

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