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[活动] 【独立写作】同题作文写作之【优文点评】 [复制链接]

秋雨荆州
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16楼

发表于 2013-3-3 19:27:52 |只看该作者

本帖最后由秋雨荆州于 2013-3-3 19:30 编辑

110311NA do you agree or disagree with the following statement although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.

作者：oblivious

I am always amazed when I hear people saying that the most enough upheavals had[改为have] been made and people has[改为have] already the ability qualified[此处概念错误] their lives, and that[删去that] if new products coming with new technology has[改为have] been invented, it will not make a big difference. Even if one didn’t know from the concrete examples (the progress in gene technology area has leading to a revolution in disease curing ) that new technology can keep in improving the peoples life , one could deduce it from general factors.

After the invention of the origin of[origin的短语多余] computer，some scientists take it for granted that there is no such thing which can stimulate their heart. [此句表意不清]Who could forecast that , not long after, this ugly neuWho could imagine that the world wide website was invented and people can just reach each other and get immerse information just by clicking before the personal computers, and no one was willing to believe that Apple company make it portable and become a sign of fashion. These changes play an effect on people’s life tremendously and improve people life extremely . Will another big upheaval happened and reshape our life style? With the genius in our age, the answer is obviously yes.

→本段用了两个例子意图证明自己的观点，其实力量还不够。仔细看来论据是两个例子，论点其实就是全文的题目，这么论证总感觉还差一层意思。不妨把这段先定位成“技术的进步服务于人类生活娱乐的需求，需求是无尽的，进而技术进步也是没有尽头的”

We can read of the progress of human being in the fighting of diseases. Human being has invented endless drugs ranging from the original herbs to the newly emerged biotechnological drugs. Whereas, the natural diseases such as AIDS seems so powerful that they even evolve faster than the renewing of the human medicines. Take a battle towards the bacteria for example. When people first find[改为found] the antibiotic, they thought that the enemy has already been conquered. They can never imagine that human being is going to a stage where no new antibiotic could be used to deal with the most fierce bacteria---super bacteria. fortunately, Scientists has involved themselves in searching of new medicines which could be applied to the newly developed diseases.

→结尾有点草率，但是角度很不错，从生物医学入手，不妨试一下这样的分论点。“医疗药物水平不断提高的同时，细菌病毒也在不断进化，所以医疗技术的进步是一个长期和疾病战斗的过程”

Judging from the exampled discussed above, there will never be any enough science and technology which has qualified people’s life, on the contrary, the guarantee of people’s life is coming with the improving of the science and technology.

总结：
这篇文章跟之前挑选的素材不一样，是版友的初次限时写作。可以发现有许多时态语态单复小错误，也有几句句子表意不清晰。再大一点的方面是段落的议论没有达到最好的效果。

选这样的文章是想提醒版上练习写作的同学，刚开始限时写作会遇到很多的问题，不要紧的，继续练就行啦，大家加油！

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SYNCIA
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17楼

发表于 2013-3-10 20:05:36 |只看该作者

One of your classmates needs help with some schoolwork. Which solution would you recommend your classmate should do: to ask you for help or to find a professinal tutor for help. Include reasons and details to in your response.

ID:sillyds

For every student, there must be some cases they confront problems or confuses in their schoolwork and need some help from others. And the person who provides the help can greatly affect how beneficial the help will be. Personally speaking, I would suggest my classmate to seek help from professional tutors, who are much more experienced. But the type of help needed for their schoolwork is also an important factor to be considered. Thus, we should first come to define standards to judge who is more suitable to provide the help.

Admittedly, help from peers can save much cost of tutoring and improve communication as well as friendship between my classmates and me. Also, students who only need help to solve some small and specific problems can resort to their classmates since others’ help is much more like discussions which provide them inspiration or expand their thinking. Such problems can be solved within a few minutes and students can quickly get the solutions. In this case, help from classmates are more immediately, efficient and moreover, may promote thinking of the problems and mutual progress for both. Just imagine if such kind of problems wait until the professional tutor comes and solves, students are probably have threw them on one side and then forgot them. Or many problems may be accumulated, which then retard the learning process.

However, for most cases, professional tutors are more suitable for students when considering the effectiveness of help. Most of the schoolwork problems can reflect some disadvantages in learning and such kind of problems are too general for a peer to solve. Suggestions provided by the peers are often merely according to their own situations which differ from individual to individual. In this case, only tutors with years of teaching experience can provide appropriate advices to improve the shortcomings such as to compensate the lack of knowledge. Advantages of professional tutors are obvious due to their experience and all-around perspective. Under guidance of a professional tutor, students can quickly find out the key of the problems and then focus on them without spending much time in getting round to try out the appropriate solutions.

Also, a professional tutor is much more knowledgeable and can help to solve schoolwork problem correctly. Peers are not able to solve every schoolwork problem. For example, if my classmates ask me about problems in geography, I would also get into confuses since I was not good at it. Also, asking help from other students is bothersome. It may waste others’ time to repeatedly teach something they have already known and even bother their study plans. Helps from classmates are not efficient for both parties.

In conclusion, an experienced and knowledgeable tutor would be much more helpful for a student. Despite the cost paid for a tutor, the effectiveness and time efficiency for solving schoolwork problems will worth the cost and benefits the student’s performance.

X
Y
Z

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susan_ran
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18楼

发表于 2013-3-10 21:58:21 |只看该作者

SYNCIA 发表于 2013-2-9 17:26
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People who cannot accept criticism will not s ...

收益很多~每句接上句更近一步，同时不忘主题~

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sodapeng
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19楼

发表于 2013-3-17 23:57:17 |只看该作者

不好意思。因为我的疏忽。。没有找到相应题目的优文。。
奉上一篇非同主题的优文
110311NA do you agree or disagree with the following statement. although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.

id：sillyds
Great advancements in modern science and technology do bring enormous influences to our daily lives. The inventions of intellect cell phone like iPhone and internet enable the communication and information obtaining available anytime and anywhere. The increasing level of medicine has improved people’s body conditions as well as increases the lifespan of the society. Science and technology have penetrated in every aspect of people’s lives and continually raising their living standards. Then there comes some arguments that the most significant improvement has been made in the past few decades. Is this the truth or common opinion of the public? First let us come to define what standards constitute judgment on living quality.

When talking about the living quality, a good living environment would certainly be put in the first place. Fresh air and clean drinking water, for example, contribute to people’s physical health and allow them to enjoy the beauty of nature without worries about threatens from toxic pollutants. However, the reality of current society is that news and protests about environmental problems have never stopped. We often hear the news reporting people are suffering from the toxic pollutants like smelly gasses or sewage produced by the nearby factories and the unreasonable die out of plants or fishes. Even in the downtown, few people would not complaint about the flagrant gas emitted from the cars or dusts and noises from the nearby construction sites. People’s lives are inevitably disturbed by pollutions around them. From this perspective, how can we say that the most significant improvement of living quality has been made when the most basic element, a clear environment, can not be guaranteed? Science and technologies progresses are in great need in order to economically isolate dusts and noises of the construction sites as well as find out environmental friendly techniques for cars and manufacturing operations.

Furthermore, despite the physical health, senses of satisfaction and happiness also play an important part in the judgment of living standard. First, educational level of the society is closely related to such feelings. A well-educated citizen is more likely to conform to social norms and rules as well as to strive hard for their work, which contributes to the harmony and economic development of the whole society. Thus, overall satisfaction and happiness are created. But in many developing countries, people living in the remote area or the poor may not be able to share as excellent educational sources as the rich and those in the towns do. Then, unfairness of education opportunities and widening gaps of income occur, which lead to feelings of dissatisfaction. Also, distances have isolated them from enjoying the culture feasts like musical plays or art exhibitions held in the museums and theatres. Technological improvement is still needed in order to ensure people would not be deprived of opportunities for education and cultural life by objective environment conditions like distances.

In conclusion, when considering the two most essential elements in judging the living standard, the living environment and sense of satisfaction and happiness, we would easily find that there are still many problems waiting to be tackled through science and technology development and the most significant improvement in people’s life has not yet taken place.

i

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秋雨荆州
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20楼

发表于 2013-3-24 18:34:01 |只看该作者

still unable to type Chinese, so simply just upload the file

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秋雨荆州
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21楼

发表于 2013-3-31 20:21:20 |只看该作者

本帖最后由秋雨荆州于 2013-3-31 20:23 编辑

Author: songlu87

Topic: Do you agree or disagree? Movies and television programs should present stories that good people being awarded and bad people being punished.

word版本：

I think almost everyone have[has] the experience that at the end of a movie we will feel strong[strongly] regretful if the bad guy was not punished for his unforgivable sins. We are born to be told that justice would overcome vice forever[有个邪不胜正的短语The evil will not triumph over the virtuous], [需要断句]however, when the movies and television programs with happy endings do bring people with the sense of justice, we should be aware of the reality in our society that it also happens the good people are unknown by the public and the bad people suffer no penalties at all.

→最后一句处理得不好，考虑换成we should also bear in mind that this is no often the real case. Some people go unnotced by public after doing good things, while bad guys don't receive penalties they deserve. 一短引出加一长正反对比似乎会更加顺口一点。

Admittedly, the heartening stories ended with good and bad people all get what they deserved in movies or on TV have considerable positive impacts on the belief and behavior of the public. The brave characters in movie or television [此短语用得多了，可以考虑删去]programs set good examples and act as a role model to all of us which would imperceptibly influence our mind that upholding justice is our oblige and would be appreciated by others while the evil was always depreciated and penalized. For instance, in Hollywood’s classic police-gangster film, at the beginning the valiant policeman was always misunderstood by colleagues, society even his family, but with the belief of justice, risking his own life, finally the criminal was arrested and inflicted severe chastisement, at the same time the policeman was highly awarded again. Although this plot has been put on in thousands of films, we never tired of them and are encouraged to take part in the maintenance of justice.

→这段的论证有点为了论证而论证啦，前段说理感觉有点拖沓，甚至给人一种复述题目和第一段的感觉。其实这个题目确实比较难写，这么写也可以，但是可以改从反面谈谈，或者把换一个主语，以受众为主语写。The audience will be shocked by the great pressure token by characters to stick to their belief. The struggling process of these people against misunderstanding from others and winning trust will help advocate a highly praised concept to public.可以充分用自己的语言把论题进行细化。

However, sometimes this perfect film scenario would conceal the reality in our society that virtue do not have its own reward and misdeed also would not come back to haunt the people who did them. Our legal system are not perfect, it often happens that helping somebody fell down on the street inversely was tarnished as pushing the person to the ground, and corrupt officials succeed in escaping the censor of legal department, squandering the money for tax payers willfully. These cruel problems just reminded us of defects in our legal system and prompted us to take some measures to fix them. If we are blinded by the universal justice in film and believe we lived in a world which made a clear distinction between reward and penalty, it is too late when serious consequences arise from this.

→也存在一个细化的问题，defects in our legal system太泛泛了，可以随便深入一下下就会好很多了。比如那个扶人起来的善举可能会被人反咬一口怪你推人，社会上存在一部分人利用人的善意敲诈什么的；

In sum, the just stories presented in movies or on TV do have positive influence on people’s behavior while they also blind us about the defects in our legal system and mortal condition which cannot be ignored.

这篇文章语言语法结构立意问题都不大，但是存在一个论证止于表面，给人一种复述转述论题的感觉，一些修改的建议放在上面拉

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SYNCIA
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22楼

发表于 2013-4-7 23:53:30 |只看该作者

4.5 同主题优文欣赏

ID:Sonnysun

Do you agree of disagree with the following statement? In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from others.

I am of a view that one should be more different from others in order to be distinguished from the ordinary.  This opinion is drew from my preliminary observations of the successful people.

As a starting point, I would like to argue that successes is generally resulted in by either talent or hard work or sometimes both of them.  Next, I will look into each of the factors for further analysis.

In the case of talent, it is not surprising to find a genius being quite different from the ordinary people.  Indeed, some of them are even suffered from being too different and odd.  However, the isolation from the mass may not prevent the talented from getting extraordinary achievements in their areas.  In some circumstance, it even help them to be more focus on what they are good at, which will bring the success even sooner.  This is especially be witnessed in musical field where may famous musicians are well known by both their works and their unpredictable tempers.

On the other hand, we have also seen people with less talents be very successful in the world.  To my knowledge, most of them earn their metal piece by piece with unimaginable insistence and diligency.  Such hardworking people often spend most of their time on their careers and do not have as much leisure as the others.  For instance, I just read from a piece of news that the top one millionaire of China lead a life 24-7 with his company and business.  His every-day works always stretch into late night and are filled with reading financial data, reviewing and approving the reports of the company, whose load could be deemed as unaffordable to the others.  As such, in the second scenario, the successful people are also different from the others by leaning their lives to their work to a much greater extent.

In light of the above, being different from the others could in a way be viewed a signature of success.  The only discrepancy is that: some are born to be different, whereas the others make themselves to be.

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