yuhaichao10-5月作文练习

yuhaichao10UID: 3574819

加油！！！

2L：issue 46【已批改】
3L：argument 14【已批改】

2015-5-17
6L：issue 91【未批改】

2015-5-18
7L：argument 6【未批改】

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

yuhaichao10 发表于 2015-5-18 20:30
今天读了老师写的argument 1+3 模型，尝试拿argument 6练了一下全文（40min），麻烦老师点评一下。

6) A ...

https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=8#pid1778992439
你可以比对一下我的提纲  

yuhaichao10UID: 3574819

今天读了老师写的argument 1+3 模型，尝试拿argument 6练了一下全文（40min），麻烦老师点评一下。

6) Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic regions. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of the year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the purported decline in deer populations is the result of the deer's being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

结论：
the purported decline in deer populations is the result of the deer's being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.

证据1：
Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining.

证据2：
Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt ...

全文：（正文三段所对应的evidence用加粗显示）
According to this argument, this author assume that the purported decline in deer populations is the result of the deer's being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea because of recent global warming trends. To evaluate this argument, more evidence are needed about the reliability of the reports from local hunters, about the local weather and about the truly reasons causing the decline of arctic deer populations.

The author mentioned in the argument that the decline of deer populations is reported by the local hunters. But there is no evidence to prove the reliability of this report. What if the local hunters report this decline on purpose so that they can hunter more deer for their own interests? This is possible. If this possibility becomes true, then there is no need to discuss other factors causing the decline of deer populations. Further, even if the hunter may be honest, but what if the deer recently live in some places out of the sight of hunters? The hunters report this decline because they do not see the deer, but that they do not see the deer do not means that the deer populations is declining. If the reliability of this reports is confirmed, this argument may be strengthened. Or more information about deer populations are needed.

Then, the author suggest the recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, but there is no evidence about local weather. Global warming trends do not means this certain place has been affected. If the local weather do not become warmer, or even becomes colder, then the assertion that the purported decline in deer populations is the result of the deer's being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea is unconvincing. Thus, more evidence about local weather is needed to back the author's point.

Even if the local weather becomes warmer. There is no evidence prove that the decline of deer populations just results from this warmer trends. Many other alternative explanations are possible. For example, the hunters may hunt much more deer for their own profits than past, which make the deer populations decline. Or in the local place, a new adversary of deer emerged and killed many deer. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author's conclusion is unreasonable. Hence, more evidence about the real causes resulting in the decline of deer populations are needed to support the author's conclusion.

Accordingly, before these evidence are gleaned, the author can not make such an assertion that the recent global warming trends is the cause of the decline of deer populations.

对了，最近练笔感觉A和I写到最后都有点感觉结尾不知道怎么写，想请问老师在时间比较短的情况下如何收尾比较好呢？

yuhaichao10UID: 3574819

今天写了issue 91，又花了差不多一个小时，开始写得挺快的，然后写到正文第二段思路有点卡壳，时间一下就过去了。之前老师夸我语言表达还行，表示真是受之有愧，每次写作文的时候各种表达不出来的时候我的内心几乎是崩溃的。。。

这篇issue我分了三个角度：前两个是正面的，分别为 people‘s life 和 people’s work ，反面角度（正文第三段）想了很久，想出来一个information technology，但是写出来感觉还是很牵强，不知道老师有什么高见？先贴全文~

91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.



I partly agree this point that the primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time. In people's life or work, a most important thing that a technological advancement should do is increasing people's efficiency. But in other condition, such as information field, the goal of information technology may have some differences.

partly agree这个说法是很有问题的
agree - point 搭配 缺介词
第一句话没有paraphrase 而是照抄原题 这是不行的
a most important thing that a technological advancement should do 搭配
the goal of information technology may have some differences 表达

主旨句没有清楚表达观点  



In people's life, there is no doubt that everyone want to have a better and happier life. To enjoy their life, people need more leisure time to do things they want to do, rather than lost themselves in the life's triviality. So technological advancement should help people to solve these life's triviality. For example, the laundry machine could help people wash their clothes, which liberate much time for them. People need not spend much time to do these meaningless things and could spend more time going out for a variety of social balls. In the past when there is no cars and airplanes, if people want to go to a place far from his/her home for travel, he/she may waste much time on the road. This is not worthwhile. So it is the primary goal of technology to solve this problem. And technology do did so. With the invention of cars, trains and airplanes, the time spent on road is less and less and people have more and more leisure time to enjoy their travel. Thus, the primary goal of technology in people's life should be definitely increasing people's efficiency.  

liberate much time  搭配
solve these life's triviality表达
there is no cars 主谓一致



In people's work, the condition is similar. Better efficiency could let people better solve their problems in their work. For instance, for programmers, they used to use process-oriented programming language, which require them to implement every process they need. This will undoubtedly produce much repetitious and meaningless works. But nowadays, with the invention of object-oriented programming language, programmers could circumvent those repetitious and meaningless works and focus more on core problems they need to solve. It is obviously that this technological advancement has increased people's efficiency and has saved much time for them. This should be the primary goal of other technological advancement, too.

When it comes to information field, things may have difference. Information technology should focus more on elevating speed of information transfer. Quick information transfer have many benefits. On the one hand, if there are any important things happened, people could know it and take measures to face it at first time. On the other hand, people could know all kinds of things happened in every corner of this world and better know our world. From this angle, I think the information technological advancement should focus on information transfer itself.

The goal of technological advancement is always to help human. In most conditions, it is true that the primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time. But in some conditions, the goal may have some changes.



另外我这周末就要考试了，如果我想保3.5的话，就我现在这个情况，老师能不能给我一些意见呢？主要是在30min时间下我觉得文章肯定得打折扣...

我觉得你这篇暴露出来的语言表达的问题还是不少 这个很难短时间提高  
分类讨论的时候要注意几个分类要是平行的 你这里的第三类和前两类感觉不是一个层面的  

不过就你目前的情况感觉3.5还是有希望的 关键是不要偏题



谢谢王老师~

yuhaichao10UID: 3574819

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-16 16:40
注意新G不是要你攻击、驳斥原argument，而是要根据题目要求来讨论在什么情况下argument可能成立或不成立  ...

谢谢王老师，我会好好反思一下的。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

yuhaichao10 发表于 2015-5-15 23:04
14) The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
A recent study rating 300  ...

注意新G不是要你攻击、驳斥原argument，而是要根据题目要求来讨论在什么情况下argument可能成立或不成立  

这道题我好像写过 请去我的博客看看我的范文做一下对比  

argument最好能按照这个格式来注明每段话回应的具体内容

请查看我的博客 103楼-https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=7#pid1778984899
学习argument写作的1+3模型  

yuhaichao10UID: 3574819

14) The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.



While this argument, at first glance, seems to be cogent, its assumptions, to some extent, are rife with flaws. The author think that an advertising firm will have higher profit margins and faster growth if its executives need no more than 6 hours of sleep per night. But there is no evidence show that these two things have any correlations.

The author mentions that a recent study suggests that advertising firms whose executives sleep less than 6 hours per night had higher profit margins and faster growth, but he do not confirm the reliability of this study. We do not know this study surveyed how many companies, or what companies it surveyed. If this study just focus on very limited firms in a limited area, we can not deny the possibility of accidence. There may be some companies whose executives sleep less than 6 hours per night have a good profit, but in other places, there may be much more companies whose executives sleep more than 6 hours per night have a much better profit. We just do not know. Before confirming the reliability of this study, the author cannot make any assertions.

Even if this study is reliable, there is no evidence to prove that a company have higher profit margins and faster growth is because its executives sleep less than 6 hours. Many alternative explanations are possible and the author do not rule out them. A company earn a high profit may result from its executives' hard work, but hard work do not means less sleep time. Or a company have a good condition may result from that its executives good at grasp opportunities, but this do not indicate less sleep time, too. Without figure out the real causes of success of advertising firms, the author cannot make any presumptuous judgements.

In the last of the argument, the author suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night. Even if the success of an advertising firm is part related to its executives who sleep less than 6 hours per night, this condition can only apply to advertising business. For other businesses, we do not know whether it is good or not for a company to hire those executives who need no more than 6 hours of sleep per night, especially consider that those executives may have not enough energy to do well in their daily work. And there are many other factors which may account for the success of those firms, hiring only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night is not the only way for a company to have higher profit margins and faster growth. Thus, more factors should be considered to make a better suggestion.

It is understandable that the author want to give a good suggestion for those firms which want to success, but to make his suggestion more reasonable and reliable, he better do more research on these advertising firms and its executives.

yuhaichao10UID: 3574819

46) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.





I do not quite agree this view point that universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study, because whether this requirement is good for students or not is contingent upon different conditions.
没有看到一个有层次的主旨句
如果楼主打算跟我学GRE作文作文的话 建议你看看我的博客里的1+3模型

仔细看了一下的你文章 语言表达方面很不错   


I do acknowledge that taking some courses outside the students' field has many benefits for students. Some basic subjects, such as philosophy, psychology, sociology, are essential to the development of students. Through studying philosophy, students may better know the human nature and this world where they live in, and thus, better know the meanings of life and figure out the direction of their life. This is important. If a people do not know what they are fighting for, then he or she may lose himself or herself. Through learning psychology, students may learn how to face problems. When they facing things difficult or people annoying, they will know how to placate themselves. Through taking sociology courses, students can better know our society and figure out which position they are at. All of these may not directly help students' study in their own field, but they are very important for students in their life.

这一段写的很不错


With the development of knowledge, different subjects have closer connections with each other and the structures of knowledge become more and more complex. Learning just in an only one field does not meet the requirement of scholar today. When students learning in their own subject, it is necessary for students to learn a variety of courses related to their own subject. Only in this way can a student better understand their own field and better solve problems in their own field. For example, a student who major in computer science have to understand both math and electrology very well. These knowledges outside their own field can help them a lot when figure out some difficult problems. And a student who major in architecture must know how to painting, because painting may give him many inspiration and make him better convey his ideas to others.

这一段后面的论述也不错 例子很好 可能前面的主题句要调整一下 感觉和后面讲的内容不是很一致  



Seeing these advantages above, some people may say that it is necessary for universities to require every student to take a variety of courses outside their own field. But there are two major disadvantages to contradict this point.

这个过渡是败笔 基本上推翻了前面讲的内容
In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.
这是题目要求  

过渡之后和之前几乎是两篇文章 这是典型的自相矛盾  

再次赞一下楼主的语言表达
虽然也有问题
When they facing things difficult or people annoying  



Firstly, no student is a superman and every student have limited time and energy. It is understandable that they take a few courses related to their own subject, but taking a variety of courses must put great pressures on them. Because taking a variety of courses require students spend much time to finish homework and prepare for examinations, if they do not have enough time, then they can not do well in both these courses and their own field.

Furthermore, every student have their own considerations in their own study. Universities can not just require every student to take a variety courses and regardless of his or her own thoughts. If a student do not like a courses and he is forced to learn it, I do not think this action will have any benefits. On the contrary, I think this action may make some students lose their interests in study.

Accordingly, though taking some courses outside students' own field has many benefits for them, there is no reason for universities to require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.