Issue 62 联系帖 还有几天考试 求大神批改

毉易-牧羊人UID: 3458186

Issue 62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Throughout the history, it is still a mystery to define what is a qualitative leader and how to be a qualified leader. In some circumstances, leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them just like what the issue puts, like the leaders in governments and schools. However, there are others causes that equally defines what is a leader; take corporations as an example and so on.

Firstly, the leaders in official governments and other international organizations like WHO, UN and so on, those leaders are created to meet people's needs and bring fortune and happiness to us all. Since the first birth of a baby, he or she needs food to support himself or herself; After solving the problems of eating, he or she may needs some beautiful clothes and a harmonious family; After that he or she may requires attention and respect from others and a desire to fulfill himself or herself. We also know that human are a deficient species, more or less, there are greedy, arrogance and lethargy and so forth that dominate us from time to time. And thus, leaders in governments or international institutes are created to justify that human are created equal and there should not wars or discriminations among any country or any religion.

What's more, for the preservation and continuation of our system of knowledge, schools are created. From the ancient Greece to China, from the middle UK to modern US, from the law of gravity to the law of relativity; the knowledge are amassed and developed by generations of people. To not let our human legacy of wisdom to wither, schools are founded to educate students to pass the wisdom on. And thus teachers, as leaders of education, are qualified by schools to inform us the rule of the world and inspire us to explore the unknown. Without them, we would not meet the Renaissance as well as the First, Second and Third Industry Revolution, we would as primitive as our ancestor. There forth, the demand that the continuation of our knowledge creates the leaders of schools and the whole education.

While the leaders in government and schools are founded by various of demands, there are many others reasons that require a leader, like corporation. The leaders in many types of corporation are created for bring the newest products to society and pursuing the best profit. Take APPLE for example, Steven Jobs may be among the greatest leaders and entrepreneurs in the world; he created the time of personal computer and the generation of Apple phones around the world. Thus, he and his company are created for changing the way we think and work, and his products are produced to make the profits max. In conclusion, there are indeed some leaders that are created for incentives to make profits and change our world.

Taken together, to make our world more harmonious and prosperous, we need leaders; to better prepared us to embrace tomorrow, we need also leaders.

毉易-牧羊人UID: 3458186

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-28 23:37
你改了主题句 后面的内容也得重写啊
关键问题还是你如何解决自相矛盾呢
你可以去看看我写的这篇 以及 ...

好的，谢谢王老师啦

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

毉易-牧羊人 发表于 2015-6-28 23:32
恩恩，谢谢王老师的点评，写第二个论点的时候，偏到教育上去了，后来才发现竟然没有leader，应改 ...

你改了主题句 后面的内容也得重写啊
关键问题还是你如何解决自相矛盾呢
你可以去看看我写的这篇 以及其他同学的练习

毉易-牧羊人UID: 3458186

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-28 23:26
In some circumstances, leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them just like what the ...

恩恩，谢谢王老师的点评，写第二个论点的时候，偏到教育上去了，后来才发现竟然没有leader，应改为：for the preservation and continuation of our system of knowledge, the leaders of schools, namely the teachers, are created. 可否呢？

毉易-牧羊人UID: 3458186

打错了，应该是练习帖

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

In some circumstances, leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them just like what the issue puts, like the leaders in governments and schools. However, there are others causes that equally defines what is a leader; take corporations as an example and so on.
仅仅看你的主旨句就出现了自相矛盾的情况
要避免这种情况你需要具体指出在什么情况下leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them  

然后这个主题句What's more, for the preservation and continuation of our system of knowledge, schools are created.
leader去哪儿了   主题句都偏题了  这段不就废了么