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242The following appeared as an editorial in the student newspaper of Groveton College.
"To combat the recently reported dramatic rise in cheating among college and university students, these institutions should adopt honor codes similar to Groveton's, which calls for students to agree not to cheat in their academic endeavors and to notify a faculty member if they suspect that others have cheated. Groveton's honor code replaced an old-fashioned system in which students were closely monitored by teachers and an average of thirty cases of cheating per year were reported. The honor code has proven far more successful: in the first year it was in place, students reported twenty-one cases of cheating; five years later, this figure had dropped to fourteen. Moreover, in a recent survey conducted by the Groveton honor council, a majority of students said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without."
分析:
1.
新体制下报道的作弊数量比旧体制下报道的作弊数量少,但是这种数量的减少并不一定是采用新体制引起的。
①
学院总学生数量的减少。
②
学生渐渐意识到作弊对自己的影响。
2.
大部分学生的承诺并不可信
①
学生可能没有说实话。
②
学生样本并不具有代表性。接受调查的这些学生可能并不喜欢作弊,不管是在哪种
制度下
3.
在Groventon中成功并不代表在其他学校也能成功。
①
也许Groventon并不只以考试成绩来评定学生的优劣,所以Groventon的学生并
没有很强烈的作弊意愿。
②
也可能与学生的素质高低有关,Groventon的学生都是很优秀的学生,都可以靠自
己的努力来取得好的考试成绩。
提纲也得非常清晰!学习了~红色是亮点!
This argue asserts that colleges and universities should all adopt honor codes similar to Groveton’s for preventing rise trend of cheating among college and university students. For supporting this assertion, the author cited a fact that Groveton has less number of cases of cheating per year这么表达不准确文中说了第一年减少到XX,五年后减少到XX不一定就每年都减少 when it adopted honor code rather than old-fashioned system. After this, the author also provided a result of survey to indicate that a majority of students who were invited by this survey said that they would be less likely to cheat with an honor code in place than without. However, the supporting points author provided are too weak for author这个加的多余 to raise the conclusion.
First of all, the author provided evidence that twenty-one cases of cheating were reported at the first year the Groveton had adopted honor code and it was only fourteen cases five years later to prove that honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system. However, this evidence is not the case.范文经常用it is not the case. 但evidence显然不能这么用。可以说this evidence is too weak. The author only provided the average number of cheating cases, but author(换成he or she) did not provide the data the Groveton obtained per year before adopting honor code. Perhaps in some years(several years ago) before Groveton adopted honor code, Groveton had less number of cheating cases than twenty-one or fourteen. Moreover, even if Groveton received less number of cheating cases(中文和英文表达同一个意思不一定非要同一个名字做主语,这句可以换成: the number of cheating cases decreased) after it adopted honor code, there is no evidence strong enough to prove that this decline trend is caused by honor code. Perhaps because of the number of students in this college has declined, or students in this college have realized that cheating cannot give them useful knowledge that they should have to learn(诡异的表达,如果学生意识到学习的重要性,那么就不应该中被动情感的have to了,而且还是和should连在一起用。。。直接去掉就好,只用should) in college. Thus, it is hard to convincing (语法错,it’s hard to convince others that, 或者换成it’s not convincible)that honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system according the data the author provided.
Second, even if honor code is more effective than old-fashioned system in Groveton, there is no enough evidence for author to assert students in Groveton would not cheating according a result of survey that a majority of students involved into this survey said they would less likely to cheat with an honor code. Because there is no information to prove that the sample this survey used was the one set that can be a representative of all students in Groveton(很中文结构的一个句子,很长很混乱,直接说这些学生不能代表全部就能让读者知道你的意思了。或者直接删去,下面perhaps后面的内容就已经表达了你的意思), perhaps students involved in this survey did not like cheating no matter with honor code or old-fashion system.(直接 at all) Moreover, perhaps this survey is not anonymous that students involved in this survey had concerns that their school life would be affected by this survey, thus these students lied in the survey. Thus, either one point listed above can prove that this survey is not reliable enough.
这一段的最后两三句,你连续用了几个perhaps 和 thus,换换词比较好。
Finally, even if honor code works well in Groveton and students in Groveton would be less likely to cheat, the author cannot claim that all colleges and universities should adopted honor code similar to Groveton’s. Each school has its own situation.有一个很中文结构的句子,几乎可以直译成“每个学校都有自己的情况”,建议换换,多看看native speakers的文章,找找语感 Perhaps all of Groveton’s students are good at learning, thus they do not need get high test scores through cheating. Perhaps Groveton do not evaluate a student only using test scores.(simply by their scores) So that, the author cannot assert that honor code can also succeed in all colleges and universities.
As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the author should have to demonstrate that the number of cheating cases in Groveton is really declining and this trend is caused by honor code. Additionally, the author also should prove that the result of survey can represent the voice of all students in Groveton. More important is that the author should prove that other schools can also success to decline the number of cheating cases through using honor code, even it succeed in Groveton.
你的提纲非常之清晰,但是表达出来的效果却没有想象中的好,原因我不敢妄加评论,不过有时间多看看文章比坚持不懈的写更重要哈~
说话不客气,别介意~
差点忘记了,你有几处写作者时直接auther了,没有the。第一次出现的我帮你用红色字加上了,后面还有不少,要注意哈~ |
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