求 帮忙修改作文

sirwangdaoUID：2305793

我作文比较烂，每次感觉都没词可说，真的头疼，希望能帮修改一下，并给一些建议，感激不尽啊


Topic: Some people think it is very important to earn large amounts of money. Others just want to earn a comfortable life. Analyze each viewpoint and give your own stance.


There arises a controversial debate over money. Some people hold the opinion that it is very important to have large amounts of money, while others insist on earning a comfortable life. Personally, I would rather side with the latter group. In order to understand the logic behind these two views, we must analyze them first.

The people who focus on earning a large amount of money have several reasons. One of the main reasons may be that they believe that the more money they own, the more successful they would be considered. Indeed, many millionaires are reported on all kinds of mediums, such as television, newspapers, and internet. They have become celebrities and are admired by thousands of people. Their vanity is satisfied extremely. Another reason why some people consider money very important may be that they are eager to live a luxurious life, say, living in beautiful villas, driving famous cars, and eating in high-class restaurants. Such dreams cannot be realized without millions of money.

Although having a great deal money means being able to own many luxurious items, many people choose to earn for a comfortable life. They believe that money is not the whole story, and many things in life are much more important than money. Take a friend of mine for example. He chose to work in a small company where he earned less than in a big and famous company years ago, because he could have more free time spending with his family. Furthermore, many people in this group agree with Aristotle, a very famous ancient Greek philosopher, who considered happiness most important to a person. They argue that they prefer to have more free time on their family, friends, and hobbies, such as fishing, reading, which make them happy and healthy. They feel contented if they can earn a comfortable life rather than exert their utmost strength to make money.

At an individual level, like the people in the latter group, I put my happiness and heath on premium. I have many interests, such as reading, traveling, hiking, and swimming, and I am fond of having chances to enjoy the happiness they bring me. Besides, I hope I can have much time spending with my beloved family. Without these, even millions of dollars are meaningless to me. Therefore, earning a comfortable life is a better choice to me.

halkingUID：2291422

controversial debate严重的用词重复，controversy或者debatable issue都可以！

但是不要说：这里有一片绿油油的绿地这样的话！！！

sirwangdaoUID：2305793

yes, that's right , thanks a lot Aha

豆豆～UID：2378384

There arises acontroversial debate(redundant) over money(This is a pretty good intro sentence. However, it seems a little bit weird due to the main clause is huge and the thing followed is just a simple word "money." You can change it like this: "... debate over whether money or life is more crucial in one's life."). Some people hold the opinion that itis very important to have large amounts of money, while others insiston earning a comfortable life.(Though this sentence is correctly written, I encourage you to add more things to it. Maybe you can say "Some people contend that it is extremely crucial to gain a myriad of money, considering that money may help them procure whatever they want, while others uphold the view than leading a cozy life would be more significant, given money cannot buy everything in the world.") Personally, I would rather side with thelatter group.(GOOD STRIKE!) In order to understand the logic behind these two views,we must analyze them first.(delete this sentence.)

The people who focus onearning a large amount of money have several reasons. One of the mainreasons may be that they ("The people who ... may be that they" ==> "Most people who believe money plays a vital role") believe that the more money they own, the moresuccessful they would be considered. Indeed, many millionaires arereported on all kinds of mediums(media), such as television, newspapers, andinternet. They(since the subject in this sentence is the same as the one in the previous sentence, I suggest you change ". They" to ", and thus") have become celebrities and are admired by thousands ofpeople. Their vanity is satisfied extremely. Another reason why somepeople consider money very important may be that they are eager to livea luxurious life, say, living in beautiful villas, driving famous cars,and eating in high-class restaurants. Such dreams cannot be realizedwithout millions of money.

Since you agreed with the opinion that a comfortable life is more appealing to you, you don't really have to spend much time talking about the opposite side of your view. If you think that's necessary, you can break it into two paragraphs, because you wrote two reasons in it, and then say "I believe that both kinds of people have their own reasons and are totally understandable" in the first paragraph.

Although having a greatdeal money means being able to own many luxurious items, many peoplechoose to earn for a comfortable life.("Although having ... a comfortable life." ==> "However, there are still people who pursue a comfortable life." If you are gonna talk about the other side of the issue, you may present your reasons as soon as you can. Don't write too much redundant things on the transitional sentence.) They believe that money is notthe whole story, and many things in life are much more important thanmoney. Take a friend (you may say the friend's name here. because: A. it's easier for you to mention him later without repeating "he" or "him". B. it makes your example more convincing.) of mine for example. He chose to work in a smallcompany where he earned less than in a big and famous company yearsago, (only) because he could have more free time spending with his family.Furthermore, many people in this group agree with Aristotle, a veryfamous ancient Greek philosopher, who considered happiness mostimportant to a person. They argue that they(delete "argue that they") prefer to have more freetime on their family, friends, and hobbies, such as fishing, reading,which make them happy and healthy. They feel contented if they can earna comfortable life rather than exert their utmost strength to makemoney.

At an individual level,like the people in the latter group, I put my happiness and heath onpremium. I have many interests, such as reading, traveling, hiking, andswimming, and I am fond of having chances to enjoy the happiness theybring me. Besides, I hope I can have much time spending with my belovedfamily(Besides, having time to spend with my beloved family would be the most cheerful thing that could ever happen in my life). Without these, even(delete "even") millions of dollars are meaningless to me.Therefore, earning a comfortable life is a better choice to me.


ALL IN ALL:
First, I have to say that you are very promising and have the potential to get good score on the test. However, what would stop you from getting a higher score would be the words you use. "important" has appeared millions of times in your essay, and you didn't change a single of the two sides mentioned in the topic. So, try to find more synonyms and use them in your essays.

The structure in your essay is pretty good I think. You first talked about the side that you oppose and then went to the other side. You used examples to support both of these sides. The last paragraph is very striking.

The logic in your essay is fluent, which can be rarely seen in a Chinese student's essay.

An essay like this may earns a score of 4~4.5 out of 5

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TOEFL!! I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO HEAR GOOD NEWS FROM YOU!