【作业贴】cdelee的托福作文

cdeleeUID: 3255276

Do you agree or disagree:
when teachers assign projects on which students must work together, students will learn much more effectively than ask them to do alone.（Education)

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There are varied ways in schools, like universities or high schools, to enhance their students' learning abilities or acquisition skills. Some schools encourage students to learn alone because self-study seems to be more effective while others disagree with this pedagogy. I am for the latter idea that is against the learning-alone process for two main reasons.

One reason I am not agreed with learning alone is because of the comparison and the peers’ feedback. First of all, comparison between students would probably lead to alter or regular made by students themselves, which it is good for them to find out new problems or even alternative solutions when thinking seriously about others' performance, and would encounter new perspective when making reflection through others' opinions. Second, the power of peers' review is hard to anticipate for skilled learners, which is because peers often have similar knowledge backgrounds. And for the beginners, it is also much easier for them to accept ideas from the students who have walked one more step forward, which is also more effective than studying alone.

Another reason for supporting learning with other would make more efficiency is in terms of long-term perspectives. If students often study with others, the team-working atmosphere is excellent for cultivating students' personal characters and learning attitude. The more a student is shaped by this kind of atmosphere regularly, the more possible he would make change. If a student who possesses positive characters and correct learning attitude, how can he study ineffectively? Moreover, team-working atmosphere has essential advantage for students to attain a same goal through helping each other to concur difficulties. Try to imagine how a student who is good at practical thinking will work together with another student who has been trained to be professional theoretical thinker. This kind of cooperation would come up with multi-dimensional results than the team consisting of two practical thinking students.  

To sum up, I wish more schools or universities would choose to assign more  team-working projects rather than the individual studying projects in the future.

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

帮楼主顶一记

zhlifa08UID: 3397298

ding~

cdeleeUID: 3255276

12.15
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:The advice from the grandparents is of no use to their grandchildren because the world has changed a lot over the past 50 years. (Society)
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The world changes, also the people, but not the wisdom. There are some debate about whether grandparents' advice is still useful, according to the sentence mentioned at the beginning of this issue, I still think that there must be something worthwhile to pay special attention to when grandparents try to give us suggestions for two main reasons.

First is because of the wisdom laying in their experience. As researchers, we are really serious about quantitative data, which normally consists of the transcripts of the interviews or notes taking from face-to-face meetings since people's ideas are highly recognized when we are tracing back of some history which cannot be reproduced or re-experienced. Grandparents used to live in a period that we could never ever revisit, that means they can provide some sort of data which we could find nowhere else in the world especially among the current generation. So in a researcher's perspective, grandparents' advice based on their unique experience is full of wisdom that we could meet and only meet when listening carefully to what they talk.

Second is because grandparents know us from the moment we were born, they love us and care about us. When they give advice, they give bases on they want to protect us from being hurt. Sometimes young people are rude and bold, they make decision just bases on how they feel temporarily, they don't or could not plan for long, cannot foresee some bad impacts. But grandparents, if they could anticipate the bad impacts as outsiders, I believe they will try to give their utmost to stop their kids to do the impulse decision. Even though they don't know how to make what they say sounds more fashionable or appealing to the youth, the core of why they take actions to talk to their kids usually is because of love. Why not try to  respect advice filled with love even though the advice is less useful than those given by experts?

To sum up, I strongly support for taking advice from grandparents not matter how the 'usefulness' is defined.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Do you agree or disagree:
when teachers assign projects on which students must work together, students will learn much more effectively than ask them to do alone.

There are varied ways in schools, like universities or high schools, to enhance their students' learning abilities or acquisition ('acquisition' is usually particularly associated with language learning. Acquisition of academic skills is not a 'common' meaning of 'acquisition'.) skills. Some schools encourage students to learn alone because self-study seems to be more effective while others disagree with this pedagogy. I am for the latter idea that is against the learning-alone process for two main reasons. (I know what you are trying to express but the way you do it is rather awkward. For example, it is quite hard to see that the structure of this sentence is actually [I am for the latter idea [that is against the learning-alone process] for two main reasons], because there's no punctuation to help readers to see the embedding. It is also very awkward to see expressions like 'the learning-alone process', which is typical of the Chinese word order of complex noun phrases. English complex noun phrases usually should use the '..of..' construct, i.e. 'the process of learning alone')

One reason I am not agreeing with learning alone is because of the comparison and the peers’ feedback ('the' comparison and feedback of which process? In working alone, or working with others, or some other processes altogether? You can't expect your readers to know that 'comparison and feedback' must mean 'comparison and feedback that can be provided by working with others', because even if you do work alone on the assignments, you can still compare with your peers after the assignments are marked, can't you? In other words, it's very hard to tell what you exactly intend to express because you write in generic, vague terms.). First of all, comparison between students would probably lead to alterations or regulations made by students themselves, which it is good for them to find out new problems or even alternative solutions when thinking seriously about others' performance, and would encounter new perspectives when making reflections through others' opinions (Again, I can understand what you are trying to express, but with quite a lot of effort. Your sentence reads something like this: comparison..alterations and regulations, which is good.., and would encounter..Now the problem is that I was expecting this 'and' to be a continuation of the 'which is' clause since it was punctuated, but it was not. It was a continuation of the 'them to find out..' clause. I had to actually go back and forth in the sentence to determine what exactly was happening.). Second, the power of peers' reviews is hard to anticipate for skilled learners, which is because peers often have similar knowledge backgrounds. (I don't get this reasoning. If they have similar backgrounds, shouldn't that make the reviews easier to anticipate?) And for the beginners, it is also much easier for them to accept ideas from the students who have walked one more step forward, which is also more effective than studying alone.(Again, I'm not really sure what the intended reasoning is here. Must peer reviews for beginners come from 'students who have walked one more step forward'? Why would this in turn be more effective than studying alone? There seems to be an implied difference on the effects of peer reviews between skilled learners and beginners, but I can't see what the difference is at all.)

Another reason for supporting learning with others which would make more efficiency is in terms of long-term perspectives. (A very good long sentence that is almost entirely meaningless. What perspectives count as 'long-term perspectives'? How is this point different from 'comparison and peer reviews'?) If students often study with others, the team-working atmosphere is excellent for cultivating students' personal characters and learning attitude.(Doesn't this assume that the team would always be superbly functional? What if the student ends up in a dysfunctional team? Plus, I have no idea what kind of atmosphere is implied by 'the team-working atmosphere' anyway..) The more a student is shaped by this kind of atmosphere regularly, the more possible he would make changes ('changes' in/of/on what? Obama can afford to talk about 'changes' without any context because he is doing public speaking. Writing an argumentative essay is an entirely different context.). If a student who possesses positive characters and the correct learning attitude, how can he study ineffectively? (Because he is studying something that simply doesn't suit him at all, e.g. a blind person trying to learn driving?) Moreover, the team-working atmosphere has the essential advantage for students to attain the same goal through helping each other to concur (You mean 'conquer', don't you..) difficulties. Try to imagine how a student who is good at practical thinking will work together with another student who has been trained to be a professional theoretical thinker.(They can be very happy working with each other, or they can fall apart because they soon realize they don't click at all due to the differences in their ways of thinking. Anything could be possible because there's no law, natural or manmade, that says people with different ways of thinking must work well together – your assumption is that they must, which is not at all justified. Be specific. Be concise. State what you mean plainly. Don't expect your readers to have the same kind of background understanding or assumptions as you do.) This kind of cooperation would come up with multi-dimensional results than the team consisting of two practical thinking students.(So you're essentially saying teamwork is not always good..only teams that consist of different people would be good. Your question is that students would learn more effectively in a team than working alone. You should be able to see you're completely off the topic.)

To sum up, I wish more schools or universities would choose to assign more team-working projects rather than the individual studying projects in the future.

总结：

好吧你的词汇语法神马的很闪亮但是全篇基本不知所云。。你的写作基本是典型的架大做空，全是高瞻远瞩型的。。这种写法本身倒无所谓，你要是能写得非常严谨有力也会非常好，问题是你的论述里各种漏水各种想当然的假设导致论述根本hold不住啊= =。。还有就是你写着写着到了第二个分论点结尾根本就忘记自己本来要论述的东西是什么了。。

cdeleeUID: 3255276

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-17 03:35
Do you agree or disagree:
when teachers assign projects on which students must work together, stud ...

谢谢R老师批改~
写成太高瞻远瞩的原因大概是最我近都在看学校内部的政策性文件，这种文件既预设了大家都有相同的背景，也都是在做直接的推论，得从那个思维里面跳出来啊，你不说我都没有意识到XDD
仔细看了托福的考试要求中对“detail”和“example”的要求~
往后会改进的，加入简单的示例，有层次的论述，么么R老师的批改=3=

cdeleeUID: 3255276

12.18
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In university students should take the history courses no matter what field they study.(History)

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Recently, some suggest that university students should take history as one of the courses no matter what students' majors are. In my personal perspective, I am totally agreed with this suggestion for two main reasons.

First of all, students are educated for making contribution to the country in the future. So they have to learn something intentionally, fundamental or profound, about what their country has been through, especially some vital patterns which are still surrounded them. Taking Chinese students as an example, China has long and complex history. Some elements of Chinese ancient history, like marriage ceremony, traditional festival gathering and funeral mode, are still living vividly with Chinese people nowadays. Absorbing some sort of historical knowledge like these will shed some lights on how China has been through in 5,000 years to students, which could broaden their ken of Chinese circumstance in both ancient time and modern day no matter what their subjects are.

Second, every major has its own history, consisting of history-changing events, revolutionary moments, birth of notable books, life of significant persons or even unforgettable failures. Getting to know the history of their major will give students an in-depth insight of what their majors truly are. As far as I know, students majored in comparative literature have to take a course called Development of Comparative Literature Theory. This course is almost the same as The History of Comparative Literature, which highlights the historical events, moments and books and persons as I mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph. Not only students studied social science will take history course, students in computer science also attend a series of lectures called The Cornerstone of Computer Science as one of their compulsory courses in some universities. This course is focusing on the most updated technology of computer science but never ignores the history part, which is talking about the basic theory and well-known story within this specific domain. But both social science students and computer science students are inspired by history, and know how to look forward more than before when they learn to look back through the history.

To sum up, universities could plan students for history courses no matter what field they study because history leads students to a new era through telling the stories of the old age.

cdeleeUID: 3255276

12.19
Drivers should pay a fee to be allowed to drive on the city streets during the time when there is the greatest amount of traffic. Agree or not? (Society)
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There are some debates about whether drivers should pay a fee to get permission of driving on the city. Because the decrease in numbers of cars on the city could ease the tension of the traffic. In my opinion, I am agreed with this statement for two main reasons.

First, payment could destroy the desire of using cars. If people could choose both other vehicles and their cars at the same time, they would tend to use other vehicles because they don't want to pay more money to get to the same place even though using other vehicles may be more time-consuming than the cars. If people have alternative vehicles, the payment could help with forcing people to give up cars. For example, when Beijing held its Olympic Games in 2008, Beijing Government had been exerted a regulation during Olympic Games. The regulation was about some driver were forbidden to drive their cars on the city in specific days. If the drivers didn't follow the regulation, they would probably be caught by the police and paid a big deal of money as penalty. This regulation really worked magic since from the traffic accidents to the amount of traffic both seriously decreased during the Olympics Games.

Second, payment sets a new standard of driving on the city. Some people could pay this fee for a short period, but they may not afford to pay for a long run. Payment selects people who really need to utilize cars. Take people in China as an example. In most of the cities, people have to pay for driving on the city high ways. The payment is not a scaring number but people still have to sacrifice their money to get to use the high ways which belongs to the country. What Chinese people do is they often use the least cars to carry the most passengers, which could significantly minimize the budget of using national property, though some experts are worried about the safety problem. But what we can directly see is because of the strategy of how Chinese people minimize the payment, leads to fewer cars running on the high ways. So it is of great help to reduce the amount of traffic.

To sum up, I wish more cities would try to use payment as a regulation method to control the numbers of the cars on the city street.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

cdelee 发表于 2012-12-15 11:10
12.15
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:The advice from the grandparents is of ...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: The advice from the grandparents is of no use to their grandchildren because the world has changed a lot over the past 50 years.

The world changes, also the people, but not the wisdom (You don't usually need an article for a generic reference with abstract and uncountable nouns, e.g. 'Water is essential for life' or 'Capitalism is an economic system'.). There are some debates about whether grandparents' advice is still useful, according to the sentence mentioned at the beginning of this issue, (This is not an 'issue', but a 'statement'. And a statement doesn't need actual debates about it to exist to be debatable. My point is that this sentence really serves no substantial purpose to the essay other than pumping up the word count.) I still think that there must be something worthwhile to pay special attention to when grandparents try to give us suggestions for two main reasons.

First (You seem to think this can mean something like 'the first reason', but no, because 'the first reason' is a countable noun phrase in the singular, and whatever you replace it with must be properly used as a countable noun phrase in the singular, with an article and all. 'first' as a noun generally has a very specific meaning as 'a first class in academics' or 'a first place in a competition', anyway.) is because of the wisdom laying in their (Who? This is a new paragraph so readers won't automatically assume all your pronouns still stay the same as the previous paragraph.) experience. As researchers, we are really serious about quantitative data, which normally consists of the transcripts of the interviews or notes taken from face-to-face meetings (That's qualitative, not quantitative data. Quantitative data means numbers, i.e. statistics, percentages, etc. It doesn't mean 'a large amount of data'.) since people's ideas are highly recognized when we are tracing back of some  history which cannot be reproduced or re-experienced.(I don't see why this conclusion needs to be drawn from the fact that you do interviews, blah as researchers. The exact methods you do your researches with have no bearing on the conclusion that when you research on history you need old people's opinions.) Grandparents used to live in a period that we could never ever revisit, that means they can provide some sort of data which we could find nowhere else in the world especially among the current generation. So in a researcher's perspective, grandparents' advice based on their unique experience is full of wisdom that we could meet and only meet when listening carefully to what they talk. (But that doesn't mean that advice must be still useful to their grandchildren, unless you mean these grandchildren are all researchers of history and the advice will be useful to them as data. That, is exactly what the given statement is: this advice is irrelevant to their grandchildren now because the world and its circumstances are different. It doesn't matter if the advice is very useful for researches or full of wisdom. The only concern here is relevance to their grandchildren as the world changes.)

Second is because grandparents know us from the moment we were born. They love us and care about us. When they give advice, they give it based on that they want to protect us from being hurt. Sometimes young people are rude and bold: they make decisions just based on how they feel temporarily (That's not quite the same as 'at the moment'.); they don't or could not plan for long, and cannot foresee some bad impacts (You cannot run one sentence after another with just a comma between the two. It's perfectly fine in spoken English but very bad grammar in written English. You need proper punctuation or connectives.). But grandparents, if they could anticipate the bad impacts as outsiders, I believe they will try to give their utmost to stop their kids to do the impulsive decision. Even though they don't know how to make what they say sounds more fashionable or appealing to the youth, the core of why they take actions to talk to their kids usually is because of love. Why not try to respect advice filled with love even though the advice is less useful than those given by experts? (The question is not about respect. It's purely about usefulness to the kids. Whether the kids should respect their grandparents' advice has nothing to do whether the advice itself is actually useful.)

To sum up, I strongly support for taking advice from grandparents not matter how the 'usefulness' is defined.(Then you're arguing an entirely different question because this 'usefulness' and whether it still exists to the grandchildren in a changing world is what the question asks you to discuss. The question is not, I repeat, not about whether grandchildren should take advice from their grandparents. It is related to the question but it is not the question itself.)

总结：

结果你把is题写成了should题嘛。。问题是问那些建议是否还有用，而不是问那些建议是否应当从。。= = 有用与否和应该从之与否是两个不同的问题，就像猪肉好不好吃和大家是不是就该都吃猪肉是两个不同的问题。。另外请注意关系从句（a decision based on love, 不是*a decision bases on love）的语法。。

cdeleeUID: 3255276

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-20 10:08
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: The advice from the grandparents is of no u ...

谢谢R老师的批改，认真看完之后很有收获呢。
确实是对英文的标点符号掌握的不好，断句的方式和连接词啥的，这也是和口语区别最大的地方之一。
但还好这一次你看到我写啥了，下一次争取切题吧XDD
Merry Christmas. =)

cdeleeUID: 3255276

12.20
It is better to finish one project completely in one period and begin to do another project than to do two or three projects at the same time. Do you agree or not? (Education)

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There some debates about multi-tasking versus single-tasking, which is better than the opposite, such as finishing a project firstly and the starting the second one versus undertaking all projects at the same time. In my personal perspective, I am agreed with the former, which is completing the previous project then embarking on the new one rather than doing all of them at the time for two main reasons as following:

First reason is because of man power problem. Maybe there are some chances for a group, say a department, to hire more people for doing different projects at the same period, but the people who are in charge of these projects would easily get lost when facing different feedback or circumstances from varied projects. According to a survey conducted by some human resources experts shows: there are no significantly emotional differences among junior staff when they conduct different projects at the same period, while the senior staff, such as Deans, Heads or Project Managers, suffer from dealing with high pressure of response to uncertainty of those projects. Such high pressure reduces the performance of those senior staff, who are the core decision makers of the projects and, the whole department. For these reason, the senior staff required to be given more time to complete their projects because they cannot ensure the quality of their projects. From the example above we can see, the outcomes and the efficiency of the projects undertaken at the same time are seriously affected by the man power problem, and the result is clearly not good.

Second reason is because of the academic quality problem which I have implied a little in the second paragraph. The same survey continues to show that: although junior staff did not suffer from heavy pressure, they stepped into a dire mire where was filled with thousands of data and information collecting from different projects. It is hard and troublesome for junior staff to follow data and information from different domains. Because though all projects have shared something in common within one department, they still have more things varied, from research objectives to evaluation standards. So it will probably cause errors, or mistakes, or even data loss if a new junior staff is in charge of these varied data. Then the new staff has to redo or re-collect data, which is not what we call "original data or raw data". The re-collecting data is just a replacement of those original one. Replacement may possibly lead to invalid analysis which affects the academic quality to some extent.

To sum up, I highly recommend to accomplish one project then to start the next based on man power issue and academic quality issue.

cdeleeUID: 3255276

12.22
Does study of animals help us to learn human nature? (Society & Learn)
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There are some debates on whether studying animals could help human to know more about human being themselves. In my personal perspective, I think the more we discover from animals, the deeper we get to know what human truly are for two main reasons outlined as the following:

First reason is because we human are sharing basic needs with many kinds of animals. All of animals, need to eat and sleep, and could have new members through making love with the same kind of animals or similar species. Ever more, all animals should "work" for making a living due to though the mother earth has everything that animals and human being are in need of, she would not push everything as close as to animals' mouths or our lips. Animals and we are still forced to struggle for survive. On these senses, what human kinds do and what animals do are appropriately the same, which is: to fulfill the basic needs. Animals live in a relatively simpler and purer society than human being. Even the relationships built by animals are much less complex than human's. So to do research on animals' lives, like monkeys, one of our closer relatives, to observe what they feed their needs, could facilitate humans to reveal our basic desires more effectively within such a simpler circumstances.

Second is because we human are sharing basic emotions with many kinds of animals. Hundreds of animals, like most of human kinds, may change their emotional states according to external or internal stimulation, such as from happy to angry, from friendly to hostile, from peaceful to anxious and so forth. To understand these emotional states of animals could establish a vivid mirror for motivating human being to think about what factors and variations could cause the emotional changes, about how to satisfy the fundamental emotion requirements via interacting with each others. For example, scientists found that gorilla, the closest relatives of human kind, could also envy other members for many complex reasons as having more wives, possessing bigger territories, and even getting closer to the king of gorilla! All of those reasons could be found among human society. These reasons keep reminding us that we are not the only species on the earth consisted of complicated and changeable emotion response.

To sum up, based on the reasons mentioned above, I totally support studying animals in order to reveal more secrets of human being.


ps：今天把写好的东东放在word上之后，红色的大大减少了。。。可是。。。可是。。。写作超时了。。。嘤。。。还是不要想得太复杂，抓住一个小点就往深里写好了。。。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

cdelee 发表于 2012-12-18 09:00
12.18
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In university students should take the ...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In university students should take the history courses no matter what field they study.

Recently, some suggest that university students should take history as one of the courses no matter what the students' majors are. In my personal perspective, I am totally agreeing with this suggestion for two main reasons.('agreeD' only appears as the past tense, the perfective, or the passive – so you only say something is 'agreed with/upon'. But saying someone is 'agreed' has a certain literal playfulness to it, implying that the agreement is not voluntary but passively forced upon the person – it's akin to the use of 被 in phrases like 被代表了 in modern internet Chinese.)

First of all, students are educated for making contributions to the country in the future. So they have to learn something intentionally, fundamental or profound, about what their country has been through, especially some vital patterns which are still surrounded them (I'm confused as to what 'them' refers to. It cannot mean 'patterns', to start with. If it means 'students', then no, you don't say things like 'patterns still surround students', because it simply makes no sense. If it does not mean 'students', then there's nothing else in this sentence that is a plural noun.). Taking Chinese students as an example: China has a long and complex history. Some elements of the ancient Chinese ancient history, like the marriage ceremony, traditional festival gatherings and funeral practices, are still living vividly (This is again one of those literal translations of Chinese expressions that don't work in English. If you must be literal and poetic when describing your examples, try 'survive well'.) with the Chinese people nowadays.(Strictly speaking, these things are 'customs', or 'traditions', not 'history'. They are 'historical', but they are not 'history'. Quite a few pairs of noun-adjective in English have this difference in meaning, e.g. economic-economical, classic-classical, and this is unluckily not reflected in Chinese because in Chinese the noun and the adjective are the same in form. You therefore need to be extra careful when handling such vocabulary.) Absorbing some sort of historical knowledge like these will shed some lights on how China has been through in 5,000 years to students, (Or '..what China has been through in 5000 years'. But preferrably not 'how..in'.) which could broaden their ken of Chinese circumstances (This would mean 'the circumstances that pertain to the Chinese people/race', rather than 'the circumstances of China', which would be what you actually meant to express. 'Chinese' is an ethnical category as well a political/national identification, and often the two are the same for native Chinese from China. But they can be very sensitively different to certain foreigners..especially certain overseas Chinese.) in both ancient times and modern days, no matter what their subjects are.

Second, every major has its own history, consisting of history-changing events, revolutionary moments, birth of notable books, lives of significant persons or even unforgettable failures. Getting to know the history of their major will give students an in-depth insight of what their majors truly are. As far as I know, students majored in comparative literature have to take a course called Development of Comparative Literature Theory. This course is almost the same as The History of Comparative Literature, which highlights the historical events, moments and books and persons as I mentioned in the beginning of this paragraph. Not only students who studied social sciences will take history courses (Or 'a' history course, depending on which is more appropriate for your purpose.), students in computer science also attend a series of lectures called The Cornerstones of Computer Science as one of their compulsory courses in some universities.(Comparative literature is considered one of the 'arts' courses. You then go on to talk about students in social sciences and computer science without any signal for change. I'm not sure if this was because you thought comparative literature is 'social sciences', but it is in fact not. It is a pure arts major, which is not the same as social sciences majors..but arts and social sciences do often get meddled together under the same classification called 文科.) This course is focusing on the most updated technology of computer science but never ignores the history part, which is talking about the basic theory and well-known stories within this specific domain. (The 'this course is focusing..' or 'which is talking about' here in your essay are actually casual because this be+progressive construct emphasises the sense of 'now' and makes you feel as if you are having a conversation in real-time. That's why I use a lot of these in my comments. But remember this is not the best style for formal, academic English. If you want real proper academic English, read my sample sociolinguistics paper which you can download in my main post – you'll see I didn't use this kind of progressive construct at all in that entire paper. Of course, this is not forbidding you from using this construct. Just remember to exercise your own judgment.) But both social sciences students and computer science students are inspired by history, and know how to look forward more than before when they learn to look back through the history.

To sum up, universities could plan students for history courses no matter what field they study because history leads students to a new era through telling the stories of the old age.

总结：

总体上没有什么问题。主要的评语是有关语义和风格的问题，已经比较进阶了，供你参考就好~

cdeleeUID: 3255276

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-25 05:54



Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In university students should take the hist ...

Good to have your revision, it is of great great help. =)

可以把"focus on"換成“ concentrate on”，把“is talking about”換成“mainly illustrate” or "mainly illuminate"?

mpromanusUID: 2565872

cdelee 发表于 2012-12-25 14:30
Good to have your revision, it is of great great help. =)

可以把"focus on"換成“ concentrate  ...

'focus' is fine. You can change 'talk' into 'discuss'.