第一篇，issue2，求批改

gjxwinUID：3457128

这是本人第一篇issue，耗时40min，希望大家多给意见，指出不足，在此谢过！


To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing your and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

According to the author’s view, a society’s major cities represent its most important characteristics. Obviously, we can not deny the opinion that major cities are indeed representative than some small or unknown cities and they are often the political or economic centers of a society such as New York, the major city in America which shows the prosperity and multicultural aspects of America. However, as the saying goes: every coin has two sides, I consider for some societies whose most important characteristics lie in major cities, we should study them to understand its most significant features, while for some societies whose most important characteristics are not totally decided by its major cities, this method is not a good one.
Following the statement above, for some countries like France, which is a symbol of romantic, the best way to understand it is to study Paris, capital of France because Paris is the most romantic cities in France and has almost everything which can be related to romantic, for example, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre Museum where people all around the world comes there to take wedding photos and spend honeymoon every year. So if you have a good knowledge of Paris, it means you have a good knowledge of the most important characteristics of France.
However, on the other side, some societies’ most significant features can not be decided by its major cities. Here, we take China as an example. If you hope to know this nation well by understanding Shanghai or Beijing fully, it’s totally wrong. Although, China is now a prosperous one which can be presented in major cities like Shanghai and Beijing in some views, what we can not deny is that it also contain some other important characteristics that are nearly unconnected with them such as its famous scenes that is a combination of hills and rivers which must be learnt through your visit to Guilin, the friendliness of people which must be learnt through your conversation with rustic in some small towns. So if you just learnt Beijing or Shanghai, you only have a grasp of the aspect of its prosperity or political knowledge but do not have a good sense of other important features.
To sum up, the author’s opinion that to understand the most important characteristics of a society one must study its major cities is absolutely wrong. It is just appropriate for some ones whose important features exist in its major cities and not for some whose significant features also exist in some small towns.

HarrisonWongUID：3465959

"as the saying goes: every coin has two sides" 这个最好不要用了吧，有点用滥了

" it’s totally wrong","is absolutely wrong"这种句子最好不要出现在GRE作文里，把话说得太死不好。可以改成 is flawed之类的

另外"If you hope to know this nation well by understanding Shanghai or Beijing fully, it’s totally wrong." 这句话我个人感觉有点广告语喊口号的感觉，不太书面（个人感觉）

以上是一些细节问题。。

结构上，第二段先正评价然后转折，给读者的感觉是第三段应该是负评价了。但是第三段又讲了正评价，有点突兀。后来我再读了一遍才感觉第二段应该还属于开头部分，这样的话newyork那个例子不要比较好。。 另外，举例部分太多了点，可以考虑一些其他论证方法。 还有一个不太算问题的问题。。齐头式写作段中要空行

我也是刚准备AW没多久，都是个人意见，以后希望可以互相批改~

gjxwinUID：3457128

HarrisonWong 发表于 2013-8-24 00:12
"as the saying goes: every coin has two sides" 这个最好不要用了吧，有点用滥了

" it’s totally wro ...

多谢，咱门可以互改

HarrisonWongUID：3465959

While sufficient amount of sleep might boost the productivity of Quiot Manufacturing, the author's argumentation is replete with dubious assumptions. In order to evaluate the argument, a close examination of the assumptions is required.

On the basis of statistics that number of on-the-job accidents in Quiot Manufacturing(QM) is 30 percent more than that in Panoply Industries(PI), the author implies that the problem of on-the-job accidents is obviously more severe in QM, compared with that in PI. However, in this argument, the author implicitly assumes that the severity of this problem is only related to the number of accidents in a year, which might not be the case. In reality, the severity should also depend on the total number of employees. For instance, if 13 accidents and 10 accidents happened last year in QM and PI respectively, but there are 200 staff in QM and only 100 staff in PI, it seems that the problem in PI is even more serious. Thus, efforts to abate the number of accidents will seem somewhat unnecessary.

Even if the on-the-job accidents in QM is more of a problem, another questionable assumption that it is fatigue that causes the accidents is included. Whereas fatigue is likely to give rise to accidents, it is entirely possible that some other factors may lead to accidents. Specifically, employees' unskillfulness, decrepitude of the equipment, and distractedness of workers can all result in accidents when working. If accidents are in fact not result from the fatigue and lack of sleep among workers, reducing accidents by shortening work shifts will be unjustified. To make his argument more cogent, it is advisable for the arguer to exclude other reasons for the on-the-job accidents.

Further, the author believes that workers will get adequate sleep if work shifts are shortened. Unfortunately, he unfairly assumes that employees will definitely take a sleep during this time. Conversely, some of the workers may chat, joke or play computer games during the period when the vice president hope they can catch up on sleep. Worse still, the noise they generate could disrupt others' sleep. The author may plan to make some rules and regulations to force staff to sleep, but we do not know. If the author provide information about how he could ensure all employees to sleep, his argument will be strengthened.

It appears that the arguer is concerned about t.he condition of Quiot Manufacturing, and his measures are likely to be effective. Nevertheless, before change the duration of work shifts, it might be wise to collect more information about the severity, the cause of the on-the-job accidents and possible consequences of the recommendation.


第一篇argument.. 32题
写完一看发现满篇accidents，下次要记得多替换题目里关键词了

gjxwinUID：3457128

1.首先我认为你第一个削弱有点勉强啊，那个30%应该不是重点，而且我个人感觉文章里给的30%应该没有问题，就是反应OM工厂事故率高的。我倒是认为past year里头可以做文章，就基于一年的统计数据显然不能得出确切的结论

2.另外你漏掉了很明显的2个削弱：QM的员工工作时间比PI多1h是否能推出QM员工的睡眠不足与疲劳。QM的员工得到充足睡眠能否推出QM的生成效率提高

3.我觉得你每个削弱后面加了一个to make the argument cogent，作者应该如何如何，这个论证手段很不错。

另外你的作文目标是多少？以后互改可以私信，这样方便交流