可以帮助看作文，提建议

意一的歌UID：3060148

还不知道自己作文能考多少，以前在美国考的时候，裸考了4分，这次准备了好久，今天考了，感觉issue还可以，argument不太好， 不过也积累了点经验，可以为需要建议的同学点建议，需要帮助的可以联系我。、

ps: 最近给我私信发文章的同学很多，希望大家还是尽量发到这个贴里里面吧，这样的话，可以使更多的同学参与和学习。

意一的歌UID：3060148

Hi tbic,很高兴，你能拿你的文章给我看，我今天中午才看到你的帖子，你发帖的时候，可以给我私信，不然发现的晚了，影响到了你的进程。我仔细的看完了，个人还是很喜欢这个题目。 写了些我的想法，如果是用词习惯，表达方式习惯的问题，你可以忽略我的建议。不管怎么样，希望你觉得我的建议有用啦。

题目：Nations should pass laws to preserve any remaining wilderness areas in their natural state, even if these areas could be developed for economic gain.

第一段，应该明确的亮出自己的观点，是agree, disagree,还是partially agree or disagree 这个claim,看了5-6分范文里面这个说的很明确，所以觉得跟着这个思路。
我的思路是：
1）        首先认为观点是positive, 法律保护环境的可行性。法律具有的约束力，是对环境的最有力的保护。举例，举例，多举例子。
2）        反例，说明人类过度追求economic growth,导致环境的破坏，举例，剧烈。 这个时候，没有一个可行的法律的话，是无法节制人类的环境的破坏的。
3）        但是，人类追求economic growth和environmental protection不是不调和的矛盾，是可以共赢的。在保护环境的基础上maximize经济利益，实现可持续发展。 比如：例子，例子，例子。 正反的例子，经济的发展凌驾与自然资源之上，不可持续；只保护环境，不发展，社会进步缓慢。因此两者需要结合起来。
4）        进一步说明，给出建议：除了法律上的保护为必要条件之一， 执行法律应该成为其保证因素，没有好的执行力，法律也是一指空文。其次，建立相关的监督机制，对破换环境的行为，进行监督，让公众积极参与，NGO参与，提高公众意识。 举例，举例，举例。
5）        总结，追求利益也不是错误的，可还是要考虑环境的代价。找到一个可持续发展的平衡点。以及用多种方法来保护环境。

意一的歌UID：3060148

上面是我自己写了个提纲，算是学习啦。下面是你的文章：

The era witnesses the rapid development of economy, which results in severe environment problems. Therefore, currently, increasing attention has been poured in the protection of the environment including natural resources and wild habitats. But the question that how should environment protection consists of our daily task and towards which attitudes diverge. The argument claims that all the remaining wilderness places should be preserved under the legal system even at the cost of economic benefits. However, what I do maintain is that environmental protection is only one ingredient in the welfare of the society and the earth and it will be too dearly purchased if all the other ingredients have been sacrificed to obtain it.（第一段的观点能在直白点吗？到底是同意还是不同意，还是部分同意,比如说，I partially agree with it. I consent that environmental protection is only one part the welfare of society, and there are other factors which can affect for environmental protection.  “will be too dearly purchased if”这个表达，我不是很明确要表达啥意思，是否用词太高深了？是说如果其他因素都牺牲在环境保护上的话，得不偿失吗？代价太大吗？ ）

Admittedly, the positive effects of laws on environmental preservation should never be neglected. Firstly, it is laws that rouse people’s attention towards habitat preservation. Newly developed NGOs concerning this issue find foundation for their program and campaign which largely decelerate the speed of environmental deterioration. What is more, laws provide the efficient and mandatory means to forbid water pollution, illegal hunting and poison air emission and so on which guarantee a cozy environment for us. Beneficial the laws are, if all the remaining areas of wilderness should be protected, how can human being persist the increasing quality of our lives?
NGO的例子很好，最好全称吧，Non-governmental Organization(NGO) 有些NGO不是做环保的，这里可以强调是environmental-centered NGO。“Newly developed NGOs concerning this issue find foundation for their program and campaign which largely decelerate the speed of environmental deterioration. ”感觉这句没有表达清楚啊，再想想换个方式。他们不是find foundation, 这个说法有点奇怪。 可以说they raised funds for environmental protection, campaign for it, which largely increases people awareness in environmental protection. 这个例子和Law木有关系啊。你的firstly 后面说laws提高了人民的意识，可这个NGO没有表现出和law的相关性，是有law促使了environmental-centered NGO的成立吗？如果是这个意思，要写出来，不然不连贯。第二个就例子就不说了。Beneficial the laws are, if all the remaining areas of wilderness should be protected, how can human being persist the increasing quality of our lives? 这句话，意思是说laws are beneficial , 但如果wildness 都被protected, 人类该如何保持不断提高的生活质量吗？这句话的用词，persist, 和increasing, 感觉不搭配，可以说,maintain, keep the highly increasing quality of life based on developed economy.  这样说反应了你的意思，也提出了economic growth的作用了。

Basic to my understanding of environmental  protection is that it should never be in conflict and sacrifice the happiness of human society. If a lake is preserved as it used to be for millions of years, the residents along sides may be suffering from the regular flooding from generation to generation clouding the possibility of further agriculture development and advanced machines incorporated. Nature does not equal to the best all the time and what human are able to do is to create a better place for all the human being and other lives. That is to say, the prerequisite of environment preservation is the protection of the benefits of other lives  especially of humans.

这段亮出了自己的观点。“be in conflict and sacrifice the happiness of human society.”这句可以说成“it should never be in conflict with and under the sacrifice of interests and happiness of human society” happiness这个词太general, 到底什么是happiness?加一个interests,就具体点。所以你的观点是支持economic growth over environmental protection 认为，只有economic growth了，才有happiness可言. Lake的例子，能用简单句吗？这样长的复杂句，将意思说的不明确啊。你是说，lake，虽然被保护了，可每年却对周围的居住着造成生命威胁，比如flooding吗，我可以说，A well-reserved lake could threaten the nearby residents in raining time, when flood is a possibility.  “clouding the possibility of further agriculture development and advanced machines incorporated” 是说对农业发展的破坏和机器的？？不懂你这里的意思。cloud”这个当动词，很少见吧，不太用的词，尽量少用啊，以免引起歧义，相关的意思可以用preventing, inhibiting。 Nature does not equal to the best all the time and what human are able to do is to create a better place for all the human being and other lives. 这句说的…什么是nature does not equal to the best all the time. 是说，自然不是一直都最好？什么意思呢？不太明白。That is to say, the prerequisite of environment preservation is the protection of the benefits of other lives  especially of humans。 你是说保护环境的要先以保护人类生命为前提,不能凌驾与人类生命之上。这个观点，直到读到这一句，看到prerequisite我才明白，为什么在亮自己的观点的时候不提出呢？你刚开始说的是can not be in conflict with the human society’s happiness, 我就想的是economic growth 带来的 happiness,可这里说的是人的生命啊，不是happiness.刚开始就应该说，environmental protection should not be taken as a priority to lives of human being, could not be realized on the loss of human lives. 这样的话，举后面的例子，顺其自然。现实破坏农业，人类的生存则有问题了，后事直接威胁生命。



Further lending credence on my position is the impossibility of law system to protect all the reservation remained. There are always people who are seeking loops. Consider a girl in a China who tried to protect an endangered bird but finally ended up dying with that bird under the gun of a illegal hunter, sleeping in the marsh forever under the blue sky where the fouls playing. Why did not the legal system protect that intrepid girl and lovely bird? Due to broadness of the area and the complexities of the social and political environment, no law can penetrate into the every aspect of the society, let alone unpopulated reservations That is not to say that we should take on a pessimistic view towards the protection and there are also other methods besides the laws we can turn to, ranging from arousing the concentration from the residents to accumulating those endangered creatures from their wide habitat.
这个说的是法律的局限性。法律保护不到所有需要保护的领域。“There are always people who are seeking loops.”是说人钻漏洞，钻空子还是法律有很多漏洞，不太明确？根据后面的意思，感觉应该说是法律有漏洞，那可以说是laws are full of loopholes. 这个说法能不能改写啊，“in a China”第一次见到这样的表达，还有two China, three China”? 注意这些细节啊，很要命。这样的错误不要在出现了，我觉得你该是着急打错了。 小孩救鸟的例子，说的是上面保护生命的延伸啊。我以为你下来要说all the remaining reservation,哪些是法律保护不到的？所以啊，你这个例子放到上面那一段去合适，不是这里。“sleeping in the marsh forever under the blue sky where the fouls playing”很文艺，有木有？foul?啥东西？以为是鸟兽家禽？查了下，foul 没有名词的说法啊，你是不是打错字了？”Due to “这句正是我期待看到的，期待是reservation remained接下来的话。但是请举例说下哪些reservation remaind保护不到啊？这个概念缺少例子支持，不饱满。


Besides the inadequacy of law system and unnecessariness of protection all the remaining wild areas, the relationship between the protection and the development of economy should be weighted again. As a matter of fact, these two share the same goal, that is, the total welfare of human being which is the former one emphasis on a cozy environment living with nature and the latter on the increasing living quality of lives.  Not in conflict in the essence, consideration of cooperation the two should be taken into. That is to say, choosing either one does not  to damage the other. What the law system should do is to weigh the profits of each one will bring and figure out the best combination of the two.

下来才讲到和economy development的关系啊，这个该是重点啊，讲的好晚，前面连economy的半个字腿腿都没有提到，可惜，有点遗憾，这个是我真心想看到你详细论证的，只有一段了，就结束了。可惜啊。“As a matter of fact, these two share the same goal, that is, the total welfare of human being which is the former one emphasis on a cozy environment living with nature and the latter on the increasing living quality of lives. ”这句话，我表示，作为一个中国人，我能看懂，可觉得好难受。你自己想想这句该怎么说才好。“你说的same goal, 到底是个啥东西，解释一下把，不然两个的same 的作用体现不出来啊。如： “Not in conflict in the essence, consideration of cooperation the two should be taken into.” 这句也是一样。That is to say, choosing either one does not  to damage the other.这句清楚， 但可以说，choosing one over the other doesn’t mean to damage the other. “What the law system should do is to weigh the profits of each one will bring and figure out the best combination of the two”你说的profits of each one，是说法律可以权衡利弊，然后选择亮着结合吗？这句有语法错误，“is to weigh the profits of each one will bring and figure”，” will bring and figure 这里动词bringing, figuring之类，或者可以考虑前面加个代词做主语“，估计你是不小心打字打错了。 而且后面figure out the best combination of the tow, the best combination看着好不舒服啊。 这三句，根据你的意思，是否可以次写成：In fact, though different in the ways, one is to enable us to have a better environment to live, the other is to ensure our living financially, the two actually share the same goal，that is to ensure human being to have a better quality of life. Choosing one over the other should not damage the other’s interest, one the contrary, we should find ways to balance the two for the sake of environmental protection and human being development in the long run. ”

To put all into a nutshell, I reinforce my point of view that laws are significant tools in protecting the wilderness areas but also inadequate. The reservation and preservation of the wilderness should never sacrifice the total welfare of human being. Also, only with other methods like the increasing attention of the public and proper migration of those endangered can the wilderness areas receive appropriate protection without interrupting the economy.最后一段，不看了吧。有好的分析了，就有好的总结了。

意一的歌UID：3060148

crazyrobin 发表于 2013-12-1 15:25
赞！

Ben来了，很高兴呀，给点建议啦，分析的思路是不是酱样子的？

意一的歌UID：3060148

tbic2012 发表于 2013-12-1 23:11
虽然被批得惨不忍睹，但真的勇士要敢于面对惨淡的作文！
谢谢意一的歌~
我作文确实太不成熟了，

自己写的时候，都是这样。互相学习了。 你看看坛子里有个帖子，怎么考到5分的，写的很好，看看里面的结构和遣词造句，用词简单，结构简单明了，但意思表达的很清楚，我看了觉得很受益，推荐你看看她的写的文章。

意一的歌UID：3060148

tbic2012 发表于 2013-12-2 23:14
再看了一下题目，发现自己真的太不小心了。。
有个问题想请教一下
题目中出现了三个重要的名词：laws(g ...

我的想法就是三个段落就说清楚了这几个的关系，你可以看我提纲。

意一的歌UID：3060148

群主贴优秀贴了，受到鼓励了，只是最近确实太忙了，筒子们先互相看看，互相多提意见，希望这个也能成为一个大家互相学习的平台。