历史系（中国社会文化史）申请PS文稿展示与求助~

liu2817668UID：3578754

先说说楼主的条件吧，楼主北京某重点高校历史系本科，做过两个国家级本科创新训练项目，总计五个月时间的田野调查经历。大三上学期去了美国Arkansas State University交换了一个学期。因为决定研究生出国太晚，急着刷两门考试，托福只有94:L :L ,GRE309(V149+160)。实在拿不上台面。推荐信有一封伯克利的，一封阿肯色州立的，一封国内大佬的。在老师和同学的鼓励下，今年还是打算好好做一下申请，试一试，有个MASTER也可以先出去读着先了。12月1日的乱投了几个学校，也投了伯克利叶文心老师的PHD，但不抱希望。希望在1月的申请时好好努力一下，再刷一下英语成绩，并完善一下文书

我的PS帮我写推荐信的美国两个老师都帮改过，也请了一个我的一个欧洲朋友学英语专业的润色了一下（但还不是English native-speaker）。我担心两个美国老师可能没什么空，看得不太细，欧洲朋友也不是Native，怕改过后还是中式英语太明显。文本可能还是拖沓了，想再删减精练一些。所以我这里将部分PS的内容（除去了研究计划的部分）贴出来向大家请教一下，大家觉得这份PS写得如何？

我接下来的申请过程中的经验也都会在论坛里发出来给大家做贡献的，服务后来人嘛~~PS. 楼主虽然英语成绩考得烂，但基础还行，英文书刷得比较多，对英语圈历史学、人类学学界还算比较了解，大家有疑问的也可以问问~~就是现在还在刷托福，时间紧，回复不了太快。

Personal Statement

My interest is the modernization process in China, which I approach via history and sociocultural anthropology. I ultimately want to pursue a PhD in History (East Asian Studies) and eventually became a professor at a university. Undergraduate study provides me with a solid base in academic reading and fieldwork experience. Previous American study experience makes me have no difficulty in English-teaching graduate studies. I believe I will complete my study in your department successfully.

I come from a family of educators. My grandfather was an assistant researcher of economics at a local acadamic insitution in South China. My father taught tourism management in a technical high school. They influenced my lifetime interest in the humanities. Since I was a child, I was wondering about how China became such a "special" state. That is why after various studies experience stated below, I make sure that my principal interest is to understand the issue of modernity in China.

My college professors also greatly influenced my love of research. The Chinese anthropologist XXX, who I have known since high school, has been especially influential on me. Because of his advice, I chose to attend XXX University and studied rigorously in both history courses and anthropology courses.  

During the undergraduate period, I try my best to improve my research ability. I finished a series of fieldworks of the Dong and Hmong people of Southwest China in 2012 and 2013. Because of my outstanding research proposals, I got funding resource from some very competitive state-level scholarships. My first one-month-fieldwork report investigated the lineage system in a Dong village. My second two-month-fieldwork paper discusses the flux of a local Hmong Shamanism deity. During my fieldwork, encouraged by Professor XXX, I read books on South China’s local societies and religions, including the works of David Faure, Helen Siu, and Maurice Freedman. My hard work paid off. One paper was published and another one won the famous XXX Prize.

In addition, influenced by the multiethnic environment of China, I read some books on global and Chinese nationalism written by Benedict Anderson, Prasenjit Duara, Anthony Smith, Katherine Kaup, Ming-ke Wang and so on. Accidentally, I mentioned the impact of a Zhuang anthropologist XXX on the Ethnic Classification Project and Chinese ethnic policy. To delve into this, I finished a two-month fieldwork in my hometown, Guangxi. Finally, my paper revises some fundamental views of Katherine Kaup’s famous work, Creating the Zhuang: Ethnic Politics in China. Besides, the paper provides a new perspective on the establishment of the Zhuang’s autonomous region.

In 2013, I had the opportunity to study in the United States at Arkansas State University under the instruction of historians XXX and XX. Professor XX taught me about the welfare system contemporary China. Professor XXX introduced me to studies on nationalism and global history. Thankfully, I also had the opportunity to visit with XXX at Berkeley, consulting with him about Chinese anthropology. My American learning experience significantly improved my English reading and writing abilities. Because I prepare for the English tests a little late, my score may not be excellent. But my previous successful learning experience could prove my study ability.

For academic conferences, I gain recognition of historians and anthropologists. In October 2012, I made a presentation on the 11th Chinese Advanced Forum of Anthropology. My academic potential are highly commended by anthropologists Ming-ke Wang, Zhou Daming, Zhao Xudong and Fan Ke. In July, 2014, I got the admission of the Second Seminar of China History. In the conference, Professor Fan-sen Wang, Professor Liu Yonghua gave high appraisals to my research on Zhuang people.

My research proposal for graduate period is a study of the development of modernity and its attachment tourism in china, tentatively titled "Individual Awareness and Power Discipline: Modernity, Tourism and Social Change in Modern China (1900s-1990s)". It would focus on three to four significant tourist destinations in modern China, such as Shanghai, Beijing, Guangzhou and Guilin based on a mixing of historical and ethnographic perspectives.

.......（研究计划中略）

To sum up, tourism reflects the development and interaction of power, self-view, impact of modernity in China. It still need a profound and intellectual analysis. That attracts me considerably.

University of California, Berkeley has a world-leading department of history. I visited Berkeley and the C. V. Starr East Asian Library in December, 2013. The wonderful research environment greatly impressed me. There are abundant books that would benefit my study on tourism and modern China.  For the faculty of Berkeley, Professor Wen-hsin Yeh has outstanding works on Chinese urban studies and modern women. A significant part of my study concentrates on landscapes remolding in urban areas.  So If I could work with Professor Yeh, it would certainly benefit my academic career. In addition, Professor Alexander C. Cook's scholarship focus on the Mao-era. It is the summit-era of the state's restriction on tourism. I am sure Professor Cook knowledge would help me significantly as well.  

As a final point, Berkeley also has a first-rate department of anthropology as well. The department with the Tourism Studies Working Group of Berkeley would provide a good environment for interdisciplinary studies on tourism. It gave me the chance to get direct instruction from Professor Graburn.
To conclude, as a hardworking learner with passion, my strong academic background makes me well prepared for the graduate study. I would appreciate it very much if you accept me as your student.  

爱在霍乱时UID：3488401

这个不会太多吗？你还把自己的actual RP略掉了，等加上去肯定更长了

星落尼罗河UID：3430966

行文有可以提高的地方，不过master也差不多了

huimieUID：2578470

I ultimately want to 。。。 and eventually became a professor at a university. ——廢話，可以刪。

liu2817668UID：3578754

huimie 发表于 2014-12-7 03:57
I ultimately want to 。。。 and eventually became a professor at a university. ——廢話，可以刪。

多谢~

liu2817668UID：3578754

爱在霍乱时 发表于 2014-12-6 19:58
这个不会太多吗？你还把自己的actual RP略掉了，等加上去肯定更长了

我准备把前面的研究经历和后面的RP都删掉些了。

ji930315UID：3518637

巨长啊。。没听说过评委会看一篇ps有时会只用3分钟么。。

lostkimiUID：3424312

找你们学校writing center的人多改几遍吧（arkansas state）。行文有待提高

lostkimiUID：3424312

爱在霍乱时 发表于 2014-12-6 05:58
这个不会太多吗？你还把自己的actual RP略掉了，等加上去肯定更长了

我感觉长度还行啊，我自己的有1200词，略多了点。对比了几个同行申请学校时候SOP的长度，感觉都在1000左右。

爱在霍乱时UID：3488401

lostkimi 发表于 2014-12-7 16:35
我感觉长度还行啊，我自己的有1200词，略多了点。对比了几个同行申请学校时候SOP的长度，感觉都在1000左右 ...

问题是你没发现他把自己的RP省略掉了吗？那个才是大头啊。没有RP的PS都900字了，加上RP简直都要奔2000了。

爱在霍乱时UID：3488401

而且楼主你有语法错误，比如倒数第二句。需要找人再多看几遍。。。

lostkimiUID：3424312

爱在霍乱时 发表于 2014-12-7 03:54
问题是你没发现他把自己的RP省略掉了吗？那个才是大头啊。没有RP的PS都900字了，加上RP简直都要奔2000了。 ...

感觉research部分都带到了呀，RP写个200到300词讲述兴趣，可以了。不过前文讲个人经历实在太拖沓了

mokpoUID：2408505

1. 家庭背景不用赘述。
2. 只看到你得了什么奖，去了什么地方，做了一些事儿。没看出你到底有多强的人类学研究背景与能力。教授们要看的不是做了什么，而是怎么做，为什么做，做得过程是什么，你获得了什么经验，你遇到了什么困难，你学到的理论怎么样推进你的研究，你又觉得现有的理论有的无法解决你遇到的困难等等。
3. PS感觉中式英文成分较多，建议找native-speaker改一下。

三秋書UID：3545796

mokpo 发表于 2014-12-8 02:46
1. 家庭背景不用赘述。
2. 只看到你得了什么奖，去了什么地方，做了一些事儿。没看出你到底有多强的人类学 ...

那请问下MA的话SOP也需要这样细致吗？
觉得很难把握要把研究兴趣和目的写到怎样的程度，因为也看到有的学校提过MA不用太specific

sammyhuUID：2134969

很多地方寫的不道地，也有一些語法錯誤，應該是那兩個美國老師隨便看看，就給你禮貌回信了。同意樓上的各種意見，簡短一些比較好。當然有長的好文，不過你經驗知識還沒到那個地方，無非是冗長而已。我看到第二段就開始走神了。

整篇文章要重點突出，關鍵是你爲什麽想學這個，目前的水平，未來的計劃。我看不出來你强烈的興趣。你過於强調某教授、某學校，你應該强調的是你自己。比如In 2013那段，主語是教授。主語應該是你自己，你從他們身上學了什麽什麽，你想怎麽樣，你主動去了什麽地方，你主動看書，你有新的想法，你發現伯克利，你關心伯克利的師資，你未來想從事的工作等等。文字要精簡、高效率、吸引人。