4月批改活动

tesolchinaUID：2191404

总结3月的经验，还是回到论坛上点评作文。每天大概可以用30-60分钟的时间点评。建议初期练习的同学先看看我的博客，自己不会写的，可以模仿我的范文的思路来写，换自己的表达就可以了。原则上，发布自己习作的同时，也应点评楼上的作品。在时间精力有限的情况下，我会优先关注态度认真的同学，主要体现在多思考。写作要提高不仅要多练习，而且要不断的思考自己的进展，通过阅读我的博客，将我讲的写作原则结合你自己的写作体验来讨论，提出问题和困难或记录自己的进步，多花些时间在这种反思上是非常好的。  

这一轮的批改就不用Quip了，全部在论坛上进行；不过为了方便沟通，请大家还是加我微信吧-tesolchina.

请回帖发习作。发布时请粘贴完整的题目并简介自己的写作过程包括所花时间、主要困难等等。首次发文也请介绍自己是否一战、考试日期以及语言学习背景等。

为了批改的可持续发展，请各位同学按以下问题自评和互评指定同学的习作。

issue

主旨句是否充分回应题目？
主旨句是否包含一个复杂的观点？
主题句是否回应题目和主旨句？
例子是否支持主题句？
有没有解释例子如何支持主题句

argument
开头段及中间段的措辞是否符合题目的要求？
中间段是否明确回应原题的某个论证环节？如有，请指出。
中间段提出的其他可能性是否靠谱？  

ee_stoneUID：3573213

王老师好, 我考完二战，轮到老婆考一战了，0510上外考场。她文科硕士已经毕业8年了。。。语言上一定比我好很多，可能重点要纠正逻辑思路，另外目标也比我高，要申北美的教育硕士，要争取4.5。

万事开头难，第一篇老婆写了两个小时外加之前各种查例子。。。请老师过目。



Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scandals can be found in many fields such as politics, academics, corporate, etc. Since what scandals disclose is often negatively shocking, it's very easy to catch high attention from public. But what scandal alleged can often damage the reputation of the targeted objects, which will definitely not be delivered by speaker or reformer. However, whether the scandals are useful or not depends on whether it is critical problem worthy of public deeper investigation and wide discussion, or whether that public attention is led on the right track to work out the right solution.

scandal alleged
targeted objects
which will definitely not be delivered
public attention is led
or whether  感觉用and好些

这几个表达有些问题




As scandals often disclose the dark sides (of what?) and sometimes do shed light on the truth, they could play a very important role by catching the public high attention to root out the cause and even propel the reformation in certain way. Take the food scandal of Ting Hsin International Group in Taiwan as an example,  应用句号the disclosure of mixing the animal feed oil with cooking oil to sell it for human consumption deeply shocked Taiwan public and strongly impacted the food industry in Taiwan due to its  large market share. This scandal sparked widespread outrage among consumers in Taiwan, leading to a campaign to boycott this group's products and brands. Meanwhile, the intensively focused public attention urged the government to reform the food safety standards and carry out wider investigation in other involved companies to avoid any other violation.

主题句没有回应主旨句
主旨句提出了两个标准 到这里就不见了 主题句提到reform  后面的例子讨论里也不见了

主题句和主旨句的目的是要告诉读者后面要写什么内容 如果你后面不按这个写 读者就会很困惑

campaign to boycott this group's products and brands.这个是丑闻的结果 但是这个如何证明scandal有用？  
你或许可以说 丑闻导致的杯葛可以起到惩罚和警示作用？


propel the reformation 表达


However, scandals are not always useful like the one in the previous case. Sometimes, the public attention raised by scandals is distracted from the key points without any contribution to the improvement, instead, and (and instead,) becomes a waste of public resource and efforts. The worldly spread Lewinsky scandal is a typical example. The over-coverage of the press caught public attention on this private affair with detailed report and all kinds of debate or talkshow, lasting several months. Although the scandal strengthened the importance for the renowned public figure to be honest and self-disciplined, it acts more like the tool used by the political opponents for their party's sake as well as an eye-catching topic for the media to earn high audience rate. The heated media debate lasted several month only to discuss whether Bill Clinton had lied or not, somewhat leading to the later so called " Clinton fatigue" which negatively impacted voters' judgement in the later 2000 presidential election. Public attention has been shifted from the real important issues such as the welfare reform or State Children's Health Insurance program to president's private affair. This kind of scandal has misled the public attention and even prevented people from making a disinterested judgement in critical issues.

worldly spread 表达
strengthened the importance for the renowned public figure to be honest and self-disciplined 表达有问题
highlight？
earn high audience rate




The worst aspect of the scandal is that the overwhelming public attention fails to address the problem but brings the irreversible loss. Recently, a renowned Japanese scientist, Prof Yoshiki Sasai, killed himself due to the floods of criticism for his oversight of two studies done by his student, Dr Obokata, who fabricated some results. Though cleared of direct misconduct , he felt deeply ashamed of his role in the scandal and pressured against the "witch-hunt" that followed the revelation. The tragedy was regarded as an immense loss to the research community by the scientists around the world since Prof Sasai has made some fundamental discoveries in stem cell as well as his in-process clinical trial for disease treatment. The scandal revealed the truth but the public attention focused too much on criticism rather than the improvement on the academic research supervision.

这个主题句还是有些问题
In some other cases, scandals are not just useless; they may even cause irreversible loss for the society.   

感觉这篇文章的例子都挺不错 但是从例子中提炼观点还不够深入和准确
第一个例子可以作为正面肯定 要突出丑闻能促进政府的改革和民众对肇事企业的杯葛和惩罚
第二个例子是说丑闻未能关注到重点问题   
第三个例子是说丑闻可能给当事人带来无法承受的压力

总的来说 由于例子的观点提炼不够 以致中间段没有能够围绕一个清晰的点来展开论证 这样即便语言表达有优势也很难写好了
前期的练习我建议先写提纲 或者参考范文的观点来写  
另外要尽快开始限时写  

之前我在Quip上修改过你的文章或者其他同学的文章 有空你可以整理一部分贴过来论坛 大家可以一起看看


或许可以按这个主旨句重写一下主题句 我看了主题句再写后面的段落

I believe that scandals may be useful when they can force the government to reform the system and punish the misconduct of the related parties. Nevertheless, scandals may not be very useful and can become destructive when they brought public attention to the wrong issues or caused too much stress on the celebrities implicated.

In conclusion, scandals can bring public attention on problems with widely publicized allegation but only when they are properly handled could they be useful in solving the problem. Otherwise, scandals could only damage the reputation.  


=================

Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scandals can be found in many fields such as politics, academics, corporate, etc. Since what scandals disclose is often negatively shocking, it's very easy to catch high attention from public. But what scandal alleged can often damage the reputation of the targeted objects, which will definitely not be delivered by speaker or reformer. However, whether the scandals are useful or not depends on whether it is critical problem worthy of public deeper investigation and wide discussion, or whether that public attention is led on the right track to work out the right solution.

As scandals often disclose the dark sides and sometimes do shed light on the truth, they could play a very important role by catching the public high attention to root out the cause and even propel the reformation in certain way. Take the food scandal of Ting Hsin International Group in Taiwan as an example, the disclosure of mixing the animal feed oil with cooking oil to sell it for human consumption deeply shocked Taiwan public and strongly impacted the food industry in Taiwan due to its  large market share. This scandal sparked widespread outrage among consumers in Taiwan, leading to a campaign to boycott this group's products and brands. Meanwhile, the intensively focused public attention urged the government to reform the food safety standards and carry out wider investigation in other involved companies to avoid any other violation.

However, scandals are not always useful like the one in the previous case. Sometimes, the public attention raised by scandals is distracted from the key points without any contribution to the improvement, instead, and becomes a waste of public resource and efforts. The worldly spread Lewinsky scandal is a typical example. The over-coverage of the press caught public attention on this private affair with detailed report and all kinds of debate or talkshow, lasting several months. Although the scandal strengthened the importance for the renowned public figure to be honest and self-disciplined, it acts more like the tool used by the political opponents for their party's sake as well as an eye-catching topic for the media to earn high audience rate. The heated media debate lasted several month only to discuss whether Bill Clinton had lied or not, somewhat leading to the later so called " Clinton fatigue" which negatively impacted voters' judgement in the later 2000 presidential election. Public attention has been shifted from the real important issues such as the welfare reform or State Children's Health Insurance program to president's private affair. This kind of scandal has misled the public attention and even prevented people from making a disinterested judgement in critical issues.

The worst aspect of the scandal is that the overwhelming public attention fails to address the problem but brings the irreversible loss. Recently, a renowned Japanese scientist, Prof Yoshiki Sasai, killed himself due to the floods of criticism for his oversight of two studies done by his student, Dr Obokata, who fabricated some results. Though cleared of direct misconduct , he felt deeply ashamed of his role in the scandal and pressured against the "witch-hunt" that followed the revelation. The tragedy was regarded as an immense loss to the research community by the scientists around the world since Prof Sasai has made some fundamental discoveries in stem cell as well as his in-process clinical trial for disease treatment. The scandal revealed the truth but the public attention focused too much on criticism rather than the improvement on the academic research supervision.

In conclusion, scandals can bring public attention on problems with widely publicized allegation but only when they are properly handled could they be useful in solving the problem. Otherwise, scandals could only damage the reputation.  

纪晓晴UID：3561823

4月25号的一战

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写了两篇后 深刻的意识到写一个完整提纲的重要性TAT 之前只是草草的写了第一句话，感觉用处不大，今天按照老师的范文思路写了提纲 再限时写的两篇仿写 字数思路都比之前要流畅很多。（感觉沾上来篇幅好大。。就附件啦~）
Argument 8 build new dorms 仿写

        To begin with we need to know the dorm demand of the current and future students. 50年的预测是不具有参考价值的，因为很难预测 ，我们需要的是近期的学生增加数量，以及他们对宿舍的需求量；还要了解到目前的需求量，目前宿舍的房间数量；
        In addition, the relative price of off-campus housing and dorm room should be examined. 未来是否房价会继续增长；学校的房租是多少，校外的租房是多少，如果学校的房租也很高。。。
        Finally, we need to know the demand for perspective students.对学校的需求，宿舍是第一位的么？还是其他的条件（学校对于学费的要求会不会变高）

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argument 4仿写（提纲中括号部分是自己没有想到的）
        To begin with, the author assumes that Adam Realty is better since their average home sale is higher. 平均数不可靠，有可能受到特殊价格的影响，（另外销售人员的能力也不一致，）应该看每个房子的价格
        Moreover, the author assumes that Adams Realty is better since his house sold in Adams are faster than that in F  十年之间 房地产市场的变化 和房子本身的特点，即使都是一样的， agents的个人能力也需要被考虑
        Finally the author assumes that Adams should be chosen because of the greater number of agents and most of them in Adams are full-time.  （员工多竞争也多，需要卖出的房子也多）；全职并不一定比兼职更好，兼职的人际圈更广

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看了老师的范文，仿写argument14 第一段的布局大概清晰了，但是感觉中间段的点还是不够丰富，不能够像范文那样分类整理在一起，每一段有很多问题点；写的时候每一个中间段只能提到一点 显得比较单薄，并且文章中的论述逻辑还是有些不太清楚。希望老师可以再帮忙指点一下~谢谢老师！

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Argument 14仿写 根据老师的范文和思路又重新改写了一遍，因为是借鉴老师的思路，所以可写的内容就很多，感觉以后自己写的时候首先要在每一个中间段的第一句明确instruction， 并且写作角度也可以从assumption在不同时间 不同人群 不同地区是否成立的角度来想问题点~

        To begin with, the survey assumes that the study on 300 advertising executives can be applied to all walks of life.  调查行业的特殊性：广告行业的特殊性，但其他行业并不适用； 调查人员的特殊性，executive需要付出的更多
        In addition, one assumption in the study is that the executives in the survey tell the truth about their life style.  调查人员的话的可信度有待考证，可能是为了展示自己的敬业精神，在实施之前需要亲自调查。
        Moreover, the survey assumes that the sleep hours is the primary reason why those companies succeed. 充分条件但不一定必要，成功的因素有很多中，优秀的团队以及幸运，实施之前需要了解其成功真正的原因。
        Finally, survey assumes that fewer hours sleep will not cause negative impacts in the long-term. 长期影响需要考虑到，短时间睡眠也许会带来暂时的成功，但长期可能会影响身体以及工作环境，对公司的长期发展有影响

.  



Based on the recent study of 300 successful advertising executives, it is suggested that only people who need sleep within six hours should be hired in order to boost growth of business. There are several underlying assumptions about the issues such as the universality of the survey, the credibility of the report and other related issues. To evaluate the suggestion, we need to carefully examine those assumptions.

(Universality of the survey)
To begin with, the survey assumes that the study on 300 advertising executives can be applied to all walks of life. However, we need to be aware that there is specialty in advertising field and the conclusion of the study may not engender same effect in other vocations. Maybe their work acquires inspiration which always occurs during the midnight. However, in other industries, such as retail salesmen, they need to focus on their job during the work time. A sufficient sleep is necessary for them in order to be attentive during their work. Moreover, in reality, executives need to spend more time in leading the company, while the employees need to focus on their own work. Thus, lack of sleep for employees may not benefit the business.

(Credibility of the survey)
In addition, one assumption in the study is that the executives in the survey tell the truth about their life style. Maybe, he sleep hours told by executives is an exaggeration in order to show their deep devotion to their work. The assumption is unsound unless we make more investigation about their sleep hours.  

(Primary reason for success)
Moreover, the survey assumes that the sleep hours is the primary reason why those companies succeed. As we all know correlation doesn't necessarily imply causation. There are so many factors which can lead to prosperity. For instance, the executive is working with an effective and harmonious team, which helps the company to achieve success. Or the executive is good at communication and have more opportunity to meet generous clients. Thus the assumption should be carefully considered before coming to the conclusion that less sleep attributes to the success.

(Long term effect)
Finally, survey assumes that fewer hours sleep will not cause negative impacts in the long term. It may hold true that less sleep can accomplish more in the short term. But we need to notice the side effect of lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation for a long time can make people feel depressed and choleric, which demoralize the whole team. Moreover, it can lead to some physical problems as well. All those consequences are not beneficial to the success of the company.  

In conclusion, it is not reasonable to give a general suggestion that people with less sleep should be hired based on the limited survey. We need to examine those underlying assumptions before coming into the conclusion.

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Argument 14

The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

"A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

Based on the recent study of 300 successful advertising consecutives, it is suggested that only people who need sleep within six hours should be hired in order to boost growth of business. There are several underlying assumptions such as the feasibility of the survey, the life style of the different people and the consequence of a lack of sleep. To evaluate the suggestion, we need to carefully examine those assumptions.

consecutives 这个词不对

assumptions such as 应该用assumptions about issues such as ...


argument
开头段及中间段的措辞是否符合题目的要求？
中间段是否明确回应原题的某个论证环节？如有，请指出。
中间段提出的其他可能性是否靠谱？  
To begin with, the survey assumes that the study on 300 advertising executives can be applied to all walks of life. However, we need to be aware that there is specialty in advertising field and the application may not gender same effect in other vacations. Maybe their work acquires inspiration which always occurs during the midnight. However, in other industries, such as retail salesmen, they need to focus on their job during the work time. A sufficient sleep is necessary for them in order to be attentive during their work. Thus we need to examine the feasibility of the study in other fields before implementation.

study 不能 apply 只能是 study result
gender 你想用endenger么  
vacations - vocation
examine the feasibility of the study 你知道你在写啥么  



In addition, the survey implies that the life style of executives is totally the same with that of employees. Thus we need to know how much time the executives spend on their work and what they do during leisure time. In the same time, the life style of employee should be examined as well. Maybe the executives are more flexible in their time management and they have more leisure time during the work time which can compensate for lack of sleep. But the employees should follow the schedule strictly and they have to focus on their work all the time. Thus, sleeping less than 6 hours every day may not benefit them and cannot generate successful business.

仅看你的主题句就觉得很有问题
建议你多模仿范文



Moreover, the survey fails to consider the consequence of the lack of sleep. We need to know the side effect of sleep deprivation. For example, if employees fail to get enough sleep, they are likely to be upset and abject during their work, which cannot promote a vigorous work environment. In the meantime, lack of sleep can lead to a decline in work efficiency and an increase in blunders during their work, which run counters to the successful business. What’s more, sleep deprivation can cause dissatisfaction among the employees which is not good for the long-term development. Thus, we need to examine the consequence of lack of sleep in order to evaluate the idea.

In conclusion, it is not reasonable to give a general suggestion based on a narrow survey. We need to examine those underlying assumptions before coming into the conclusion.

锤先森G330UID：3603995

老师好，4月25号一战，希望老师能指点不足~~~


Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

With the development of science and technology, people now can better know the news about celebrities, and thus there are more scandals reported by media. Some people may hold the view that scandals can have a bad effect on an individual or a certain country. From my perspective, I might agree with that scandals can be useful even if they do have some disadvantages.

scandal不仅仅是关于名人的吧 你第一句就把自己的范围限制了 你确定要这么写么
might agree 这里might 用得不合适
agree with that 不要with  
请你去看看我的1+3模型  对主旨句的要求  




In the dictionary, the word "scandal" is defined as the news that reveals a mysterious event by the way that beyond the restriction of values and laws. For the public effect, scandals sometimes indeed can greatly concentrate public attention on something that always ignored by people. To illustrate, Snowden, who revealed the hacking scandal of the United States government, let people all over the world became more cautious about their information safe. However, according to a recent research appeared in the journal Information Security in 2005, nearly 3/4 subjects suggested that they would never mind when someone asked them for their phone number or ID card number. Moreover, a large number of social revolutions were instigated by scandals, such as the February Revolution in France and the October Revolution in Russia. People always become extremely exasperated and discontent with the society especially after hearing some bad news of their leaders, which rendered them to work together to rebel against the government and thus sometimes make thoroughly change of the society. Consequently, scandals can be useful from this perspective.

something that always ignored 基本语法错误
information safe 语法
according to a recent research appeared in the journal Information Security 语法
整段没有一个明确的中心  先说Snowden 又扯到法国大革命  
完全没有上道啊  建议你先模仿几篇范文吧  



However, the revelation of the scandal could do much harm to our society either. To illustrate, the reason why media or individuals report the scandal of celebrities or society is just hoping to meet people's own curiosity, such as reporting a certain movie star's private life or criticizing false decision made by government exaggeratedly. In this way, scandals can hurt the sense of trust and security that among people, which will also render people become less confidence in the government and thence cause the unstableness of society. For example, the breakdown of the Soviet Union was that nobody trust their leader's capacity anymore after hearing their leaders’ corrupt life. Consequently, scandals that only made for produce sensations are useless and could be harmful to us.

Further, admittedly scandals could let us know the fault of a certain people or government, a healthy social system can't just rely on scandals to find their problems. Take a government as an example, it's safe to say that the government is at the edge of corruptive when scandals are the only way to know their flaws, which suggests the lack of necessary supervising mechanisms and dereliction of people that work in the government. Accordingly, both ordinary people and the government should treat such problems seriously, as all of us want to live a peaceful life and inevitably don't want to suffer disasters caused by the society corruption.

To sum up, although there are some problems brought by scandals, scandals can be good for us anyway. From a microscopic perspective, they can seriously make us solve the problems an individual would have, from a macroscopic perspective, they can boost the development of a whole society.

---

Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

With the development of science and technology, people now can better know the news about celebrities, and thus there are more scandals reported by media. Some people may hold the view that scandals can have a bad effect on an individual or a certain country. From my perspective, I might agree with that scandals can be useful even if they do have some disadvantages.

In the dictionary, the word "scandal" is defined as the news that reveals a mysterious event by the way that beyond the restriction of values and laws. For the public effect, scandals sometimes indeed can greatly concentrate public attention on something that always ignored by people. To illustrate, Snowden, who revealed the hacking scandal of the United States government, let people all over the world became more cautious about their information safe. However, according to a recent research appeared in the journal Information Security in 2005, nearly 3/4 subjects suggested that they would never mind when someone asked them for their phone number or ID card number. Moreover, a large number of social revolutions were instigated by scandals, such as the February Revolution in France and the October Revolution in Russia. People always become extremely exasperated and discontent with the society especially after hearing some bad news of their leaders, which rendered them to work together to rebel against the government and thus sometimes make thoroughly change of the society. Consequently, scandals can be useful from this perspective.

However, the revelation of the scandal could do much harm to our society either. To illustrate, the reason why media or individuals report the scandal of celebrities or society is just hoping to meet people's own curiosity, such as reporting a certain movie star's private life or criticizing false decision made by government exaggeratedly. In this way, scandals can hurt the sense of trust and security that among people, which will also render people become less confidence in the government and thence cause the unstableness of society. For example, the breakdown of the Soviet Union was that nobody trust their leader's capacity anymore after hearing their leaders’ corrupt life. Consequently, scandals that only made for produce sensations are useless and could be harmful to us.

Further, admittedly scandals could let us know the fault of a certain people or government, a healthy social system can't just rely on scandals to find their problems. Take a government as an example, it's safe to say that the government is at the edge of corruptive when scandals are the only way to know their flaws, which suggests the lack of necessary supervising mechanisms and dereliction of people that work in the government. Accordingly, both ordinary people and the government should treat such problems seriously, as all of us want to live a peaceful life and inevitably don't want to suffer disasters caused by the society corruption.

To sum up, although there are some problems brought by scandals, scandals can be good for us anyway. From a microscopic perspective, they can seriously make us solve the problems an individual would have, from a macroscopic perspective, they can boost the development of a whole society.

sokillerUID：3446082

Issue2:

To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

TS:

It has to know what kind of characteristics of a society is considered to be the most important before understanding them. 这里的it/them指代什么？  From my perspective, technology, history and culture, though others are also on the list, are representative. (representative of ...)  要说清楚 In the major cities, people enjoy the advancement of technology as well as its consequence—convenience in their daily life; Meanwhile, either people come from outside or are native, they can easily touch history as rambling in major cites; Moreover, people can sense a variety of achievements of culture initiated and developed in major cities. Based on these, I agree with the statement above that one ought to study the major cities if s/he wants to get to know the most important characteristics of society.  

touch history是啥意思
Based on these 这里的these指的是什么  
整个开头段写得很没有章法 建议你看看范文的开头段是怎么写   




ts(pt1)
Despite a fact that some kinds, but few numbers, of productions of technology are actually servicing over periphery of major cities, the marjory of advancement of technology are presenting in major cities and influencing people’s life significantly. 这段主要说明目前很多科技成果主要应用于这些个大城市里，人们每天都在享受它们带来的巨大便利。比如说带有新功能的移动电话。这是由于科技的服务对象是人，而大城市中人口的比重相对要高，因此，大部分科技成果集中在这些城市中。即使那些个服务于偏远地区的科技成果，比如农业，最后也是间接的为生活在大城市的人们提供必要的需求。


servicing over periphery of major cities不懂你想说什么
the marjory of advancement of technology are presenting用词有问题啊  
科技主要服务大城市 这个和题目的关联在哪里
你的讨论最终要和题目结合起来啊  




ts(pt2)
In general many major cities are established in relics of history and construct specific facilities, like museum, to prevent history from disappearance, providing more opportunities to people keen to know true story in the past and thus to study their societies. 这段可以举例说明中国北京或者意大利罗马，这两座世界上著名的城市都是都是在原有的古城的基础上建立起来的，同时，两座城市都有大量的各式各样的博物馆，因此，它们的历史研究机构和社会研究机构中心都建立在这些城市里方便随时研究。


题目讲的是To understand the most important characteristics of a society
不是讲了解历史  如果你想将题目理解为society in the past或者支出理解历史对于理解当代社会很重要的话  就得明确的指出这之间的关联
目前来看你这一段还是偏离了题目  


ts(pt3)
The original and development of culture are basically initiated and proceeded in major cities, no matter when their occurrence begin.这里举例比如说黑人的说唱音乐就是起源于大城市中，早期的说唱音乐多是反映大城市中黑色生活－－比如毒品 暴力 种族歧视等，而后期的发展则是由于大城市司法体系和植物的不断完善，逐渐的和流行音乐进行了结合，吹嘘自己在大城市的花天酒地的生活。因此，大城市为那些想要了解文化的人们提供的必要的平台。


你首先要结合题目指出culture是社会的重要特征之一 然后你这段的内容才算切题  



不好意思 麻烦王老师帮忙看看这个提纲 说老实话 我觉得自己在瞎扯 在characteristics of a society方面我觉得自己了解的不对 还请指点

我个人的想法是先将这些characteristics选出3个，然后，将它们与major city的关系进行阐述，从而证明study major city的是必须的

谢谢！



我建议你看看我写的这篇的主旨句 然后试下展开写

tesolchinaUID：2191404

欢迎大家在这里发习作 不过强烈建议写之前先通读我GRE作文6分教学博客

wyd1582UID：3567163

来发个处女作品
求狠批，自己都不忍直视。。。。


题目：Topic 35: The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.
"One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.
作文
The host of the Sunnyside Apartment suggested that the company improve its profit by the way of controlling the water flow by changing the showerhead. Although this argument seem reasonable at first glance, there are several questions needed to be solve in order to improve its convincing.

the company improve its profit
这里应该用情态动词
improve its convincing 语法啊



对应：Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment.

Obviously, whether there are noticeably numbers of complaints from customers cannot be fully reflected by the existing complaints. On one hand, customers may be reluctant about their disagreement because there is no convenience channel to expose their unsatisfied. On the other hand, the customer may change their way of using water. The total volume of the water used in shower not only depends on the flow of the water, but also depends on the time they wash. User can spend more time in order to clean their body, in this way, the added up electronic may even bigger than before, thus would save any water but also increase the electronic usage. Also the noticeable is, few complaints doesn’t mean there is no potential complaints, and since the new method only employed in three building, so even if the number is small, but the portion may be big enough to illustrate the potential danger to the company.

题目问的是要回答什么问题 因此你的每段开头就要提出问题啊  
Also the noticeable is表达有问题
there is no potential complaints 语法/表达
since the new method only employed 这里要用被动语态

我觉得这里很多问题是你自己能看出来的 你写完后至少要自己先看一遍吧




对应：Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available.

Consequently, actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment, become of great importance to test whether the strategy helped to save water. Only when the actual number really proves that the method worked, will it be a beneficial and considerable method to improve profit. Otherwise, the company should also consider the cost of changing the equipment and showerhead, and evaluate the actual saving cost of the added up benefits rather than simply ponder the expected profits. If the total maintenance and construct fee is higher than the money saved by curtail water flow, the company will lose more profit and even their customer basement.

问题同上 没有回应题目的要求
evaluate the actual saving cost of the added up benefits   added up不能这样放在名词前面



对应：I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically."

Most importantly, are there any examples of such cases? There are several problems the managers are required to consider further. For example, will this project result in a long term profit or only work in short term. If the front proposal is correct, them what’s the potential loss of the reputation of the company. However, if this only work to short term profits gaining, more facts needed to be provided and analyzed, e.g. customer average spent on using water. Only by provide better service will the company be able to make more money.

front proposal？什么意思 proposal没有correct 只有reasonable  


结尾段：

Although the method offered by the owner may bring more profit, however, there may be better way. In most of the cases, only innovation will help the company improve its efficiency and profits rather than simply eliminate the benefits of customer, because this may bring a negative effect to the reputation of the company.

wyd1582UID：3567163

老师好负责！！感动哭了、、、

tesolchinaUID：2191404

wyd1582 发表于 2015-4-4 23:22
老师好负责！！感动哭了、、、

你试下在每个中间段之前粘贴一下你这段回应的相关argument内容 这样我看起来比较方便

wyd1582UID：3567163

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-4 23:33
你试下在每个中间段之前粘贴一下你这段回应的相关argument内容 这样我看起来比较方便

好的

wyd1582UID：3567163

tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-4 23:33
你试下在每个中间段之前粘贴一下你这段回应的相关argument内容 这样我看起来比较方便

已改

sokillerUID：3446082

Issue2:

To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.



ts1:
For major city, the governmental system displays complex and efficacious, mainly because the government has to deal with affairs, including daily and unexpected, produced by a great number of citizens living in city. On the other hand, the small towns and rural areas face the same but slight situation, contributed to a simplified governing system compared to the one operating in major city, and by less population resided in there. According to obvious discrepancy of complexity above, it is preferable for one to study governmental system operating in major city rather than in small town and rural areas, since the former one takes advantage of providing plentiful and integrated reference for understanding governmental system itself. 举例可以说北京市和北京周边的卫星城的政府部门的差别：比如，由于在县级的城市没有专门的职业技术学校，因此其政府的教育部门并没有专门的部门和人员来管理这部分。由此，对于大城市的研究会提供更多的细节方便人们来了解governmental system

ts2:
The difference in economical system also exists between major cities and small towns and rural areas. In general, major cities are used to put industrialized subjects, including manufacturing industry, as prime. So people can see a lot of industrial element involving in economical system. To the small towns and rural areas, the extensive, available land make them concentrate on development of agriculture and animal husbandry, leading the economical system primarily obtain contribution from those development. 举例还是北京吧：北京有很多的工业产业园区，里面有多家的工厂和制造企业进行经营，并为北京的经济发展作出了巨大的贡献；而其周边地区主要以农业为主，主要的收入来源于农副产品。


ts3:
Although it is true that there is nuance in elementary public school system, that situation is totally opposite in higher one between major cities and small towns and rural areas. The main reason is that lots of higher educational institutions choose to establish in major cities offering reliable source of students and advanced educational resource, such as more opportunities of internship.举例：尽管北京的周边地区和北京市一样拥有小学初中甚至是高中，但是，他们没有并没有像清华北大这样的高等大学，而这种现象在很多大城市十分的普遍。因此，想要了解public school system，study major city is 必须的，而study small town and rural areas 可以作为一种补充。

又改了一下 烦请再看一下。

谢谢

锤先森G330UID：3603995

Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

老师好，看了您的1+3模型和博客里的相关内容，把上次有很大问题的ISSUE4 仔细修改了一下，烦请老师再次过目，谢谢~

Scandals become more ubiquitous with the development of the mass media. Compared with people lived in 30 years before, scandals about celebrities, politicians or athletes could be known by people every day. While it is true that scandals sometimes could have negative effect on our daily life, I believe that scandals can have more good influence on people. After elaborating these two points, I would address the argument that people should treat such scandals correctly in order to make good use of them.

people lived in 30这里要用从句
感觉你的主旨句还是未能充分回应题目 题目里的关键词是useful 以及 bring attention



To begin with, scandals can have a bad influence on our society. To illustrate, the reason why media or individuals report the scandals is just hoping to meet people's own curiosity, such as reporting a movie star's private life or over criticizing false decision made by government. In this way, scandals can hurt the sense of trust and security that existing among people, which will also render people become less confidence in the government and thence even cause the unstableness of society. For example, the breakdown of the Soviet Union was that nobody trust their leader's capacity anymore after hearing their leaders’ corrupt life. Consequently, scandals that only made for produce sensations are useless and could be harmful to us.

这里的bad influence和题目的关联在哪里？  


Further, for many times, scandals are useful for us. On the one hand, they can greatly concentrate public attention on something that always been ignored. To illustrate, recent people usually ignore their information safety. For instance, they can tell their ID number to strangers easily. Fortunately, the hacking scandal reported by Snowden let people all over the world became increasingly cautious about their information safety. On the other hand, revealing social scandals can bring about necessary social revolutions, such as the February Revolution in France and the October Revolution in Russia, which promote societies toward good directions. Through such revolutions social structures was greatly changed so that people at that time could get better social service. In other words, scandals make contribution to making people live a better lives.

我觉得这段重点讨论Snowden的例子就可以了  没必要再讲什么革命 关键是要解释例子如何支持观点 而你的主题句其实没有一个具体的观点 scandals are useful for us 这样说是不够的  
原题有一个原因状语从句 - because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could 你怎么能视而不见呢  你在主题句中要指出scandal可以如何 focus public attention 做不到这一点你就无法回应题目  

不知道你看了我博客220楼的范文没

你看我写的主题句都是紧扣题目的

To begin with, the attention from the public after a scandal does not necessarily focus on the right issue.

In addition, when a scandal is involved in powerful corporation, a professional public relations team will very quickly take actions to address the crisis and divert the public attention from the right issues.

Some people may argue that scandals are still useful in creating pressure to push the government to reform.

三个分论点都没有脱离attention的问题



Finally, government or individual should not ignore the influence about scandals. Take a government for an example. It's safe to say that a government is at the edge of corruption when scandals are the only way to know their flaws, which suggests the lack of necessary supervising mechanisms and dereliction of people that work in the government. Similarly, an individual can’t be success if he or she can’t recognize their own faults without scandals. Accordingly, both ordinary people and government should treat such scandals seriously, which means we can’t just overlook the negative effect of the scandals.



To sum up, while some scandals will negative impacts on us, most scandals can be useful for our whole society. From a microscopic perspective, they can seriously make us solve the problems an individual would have, from a macroscopic perspective, they can boost the development of a whole society. Thus, we should treat scandals seriously in order to get such benefits.

susie35UID：3550587

老师，您好，这是我第一次参加回复，我4月11号 就要考试了，这篇ISSUE是我上周自己模考PP2的时候写的，完全按照考试时间来的。其中的一些个拼写错误我刚刚自己改过了，想请教一下老师看看我的文章都存在哪些问题，剩下几天有哪些可以做的。十分愧疚，这是第一次考试，作文复习的时间太少了。

[题]A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

【要求】In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

This issue concerns about whether all students in a country are to take the same national curriculum before entering into the college. We could see the cogent claims for taking the same classes, however, it is not the case for all the students. Due to differences in local culture, customers and the personalities of the students, the curriculums should vary according to all these factors.

This issue concerns about 表达有问题

customers指的是什么？



Admittedly, it is very important to have the same curriculums nationwide. First, the same classes reflect a sense of equality in education. It is often the case a child from a rural area, compared to a urban child, cannot speak fluent English and do not know much about the world, although they are at the same age and have the same period of education. It is unfair for the child from the rural area to suffer from the overt gap, especially when they went to the same class in the same university years later. The feel of diffidence may be a tough killer for the young child and hamper the future development of him/hers. Second, a same class arrangement may also be conductive for the teacher to take classes later on. You can imagine that it is hard for a college teacher to teach students with different education background and the efficiency of teaching can also be lowered.

你这样先肯定再转折的写法会导致整篇文章没有一个前后一致的观点  
本来看你的主旨句还以为你会从三方面反对命题 结果却 ......
剩下几天我建议你尝试一下用1+3模型来写issue   


However, that do not means all the students are to take the same classes before college. On the one hand, students from different areas may have their local traditions and culture, it is not wise to set aside these staff. Imagine a student from Tibet, it is not good for the education there doesn't mention the fabulous culture legacy in Tibet and their religion culture. However, if these are taught in Guangdong, students there may be confused because they are not exposed to these traditions. On the other hand, if all the students are to take the same classes, their own personalities and innovative ideas are to be held back. It is not good for an innovative society to embrace the innovative talent and for the college to cultivate innovative future giants.

As a result, in my opinion, it is important for all the students to have the same classes nationwide with specific modification based on the native culture and the characteristics of the students. Thus the potential of different students could be fully tapped and the equality of education could be achieved.

All in all, there is rare thing in the world that is absolute. A uniform could be of great help in managing all the involvers, yet, this convenience is not as important as the final achievement of the goal. For education, our final goal is to foster talents for the society and make everyone plays a part in the society, so the appropriate modification is important based on the same classes.   

锤先森G330UID：3603995

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-4-6 16:48
Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or ...

谢谢老师。。。。继续改！