argument147 东拼西凑的感觉,这样不知道有没有雷同嫌疑,请帮忙改改,十分感谢您!

木紫000UID：2125809

147.The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two year, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to  be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were
most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind
has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It
follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase
dramatically in the next few months."

Merely based on a series of unwarranted assumptions and dobious evidence,the arguer concludes that a two-year decline in sales of Whirlwind's video games is about to reverse itself, and that sales will increase dramatically in the next few months. To support the conclusion,the arguer points out evidence that a recent survey in which video-game players indicated a preference for games with realistic graphics requiting state-of-the art computers. The editorial then points out that Whirlwind has just introduced several such games, along with an extensive advertising campaign aimed at people 10-25 years old---the demographic group most likely to play video games. As it stands,the argument suffers from seveal critical grounds.

The first and foremost, the reliability and universality of the survey are open to doubt. The author fails to provide sufficient information about the survey,such as the background, the age distribution, the number of the people surveyed. Perhaps the players who are questioned are most people of high ages, thereby they prefer games with lifestyle graphic rather than with exciting and intense plots. As a result, it is a misfortune for Whirlwind to direct their production at people 10 to 25 years old; or perhaps the survey is not generalized. With the survey unreliable, Whirlwind is bound to draw a fallacious conclusion.

In addition, even if the survey reveals that most players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, it is too hasty for the author to make an assumption that there will be a vast market of the sale of such video game. In fact, more factors should be taken into account. such as imprudent pricing and distribution strategies or poor management, and that these problems have not been remedied. If so, the author must modify the prediction accordingly.

Finally, it is too confident for Whirlwind to draw the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. There is good chance that the sales of Whirlwind video games are not satisfactory by virtue of their poor quality and bad service. Without good reputation, the productions can not recognized by the consumer. It is also highly probably that there is fierce competition in this field which makes Whirlwind hard to sale its production. Last but not least, merely good sale of one kind of video games cannot predict the vast success in all its productions.

In summary,the conclusion reached in the argument lacks credibility since the evidence does not lend strong support to what the arguer claims.To strengthen it, the author should provide a full and significant survey from which people can find the potential market and the competitive environment of this field as well as the opponents' conditions.

amanda2005UID：2120493

Merely based on a (去掉)series of unwarranted assumptions and dubious evidence,the arguer concludes that a two-year decline in sales of Whirlwind's video games is about to reverse itselfnaturally, and that sales will increase dramatically in the next few months. To support the conclusion,the arguer points out evidence that a recent survey in which video-game players indicated a preference for games with realistic graphics requiring state-of-the art computers. The editorial then points out that Whirlwind has just introduced several such games, along with an extensive advertising campaign aimed at people 10-25 years old---the demographic group most likely to play video games. As it stands,the argument suffers from seveal critical grounds.
state-of-the art 请教是什么意思
我觉得这一段中对原文的复述能简练一些为好，还有第一句话前半句和最后一句话重复。

The first and foremost, the reliability and universality of the survey are open to doubt. The author fails to provide sufficient information about the survey,such as the background, the age distribution, the number of the people surveyed. Perhaps the players who are questioned are most people of high ages, Perhaps most of the players questioned are high ages thereby they prefer games with lifestyle graphic rather than with exciting and intense plots. As a result, it is a misfortune for Whirlwind to direct their production [products at people 10 to 25 years old; or perhaps the survey is not generalized. With the survey unreliable, Whirlwind is bound to draw a fallacious conclusion.

In addition, even if the survey reveals that most players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, it is too hasty for the author to make an assumption that there will be a vast market of the sales of such video game. In fact, more factors should be taken into account. such as imprudent pricing and distribution strategies or poor management, and that these problems have not been remedied. 这句话是什么意思If so, the author must modify the prediction accordingly.
这一段是重要的错误点，需要再写深入一些
Finally, it is too confident for Whirlwind to draw the conclusion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.这一句话太笼统There is good chance 是可能性的意思吗？that the sales of Whirlwind video games are not satisfactory by virtue of their poor quality and bad service. Without good reputation, the productions can not recognized by the consumer. It is also highly probably that there is fierce competition in this field which makes Whirlwind hard to sale sell its production. Last but not least, merely good sale of one kind of video games cannot predict the vast success in all its productions.
产品用product不是production
In summary,the conclusion reached in the argument lacks credibility since the evidence does not lend strong support to what the arguer claims.To strengthen it, the author should provide a full and significant survey from which people can find the potential market and the competitive environment of this field as well as the opponents' conditions.

amanda2005UID：2120493

这篇文章在同主题写作中有详细的分析，小木，还有重要的错误你没有分析到！:hug: