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This argument begins by introducing apreviously hold point: woven baskets having distinctive patterns are unique tothe ancient village of Palea. It continues bypresent a series of evidences supporting the opposite view; however, terrainfeatures, Palean ship design skills, abundance of nuts, berries, and smallgames can not rule out exceptional possibilities that justify the previousview.
前面就列了这么多细节,不知道好不好,个人觉得,细节如果能充实下面具体攻击点可能会效果更好
To begin with, the author's assertion thatancient Paleans can not cross the Brim River is problematic.This argument provides on information concerning the river's condition inancient time, especially the period when Paeans live(这个特殊下面似乎并没有体现,如果你这样写我会认为下面应该会有一个事例很突出的说the period,而且这个也不好写,建议换个,或者不加especailly). Perhaps, at that time, Brim Riveris just a narrow and shallow creek or even did not exist at all, despite itsmodern appearance. If this possibility is validated, the difficulty of Paleanson crossing the river could not hinder such endeavor.
展开的不够,河窄有怎么样,他们能过去吗?你要继续往下说,不要点一下就停了.
Even if Brim Riverwas as broad and deep as it is now, the author still fails to prove thatPaleans can not cross the river by boats(这个细节,我觉得不太适合放在TS里,你只要说没有证明不能河就可以了). Possibly, other tribes capable ofmanufacturing boats once stopped near Palea, and then some Paleans got aboard(?这个词)with the distinctive baskets and traveled as well as distributed the baskets.Before any sound evidence proving that Paleans can not cross the Brim Riveris achieved, the author assumption is unconvincing.
根据你所得的攻击点,我会这么说
没有证明当时没有办法过河(注意不能说他们不能过河,参看第二点)
a)没说明他们部落自己没有渡河的工具:船
b)即使没有,也不能排除其他有的部落做船过来和他们做生意
Moreover, the author fails to consider sucha possibility: some baskets, though unique to the village of Palea,were abandoned to the river by accident, natural disaster or even purposely.Under this hypothesis, baskets might float with the stream of Brim River,and later be picked up by people in the village of Lithosor other locations. Though it is too hard to find evidence of this possibility,it is equally impossible to find any to disprove it.
太零散了吧,你把一种可能性都作为一段,
个人认为一段应该是一个攻击方向,确切的说,在段内用逻辑将对同一主题进行攻击的攻击点联系起来,然后段之间又有一层逻辑关系,如果像你这样,其实等于把两层逻辑关系弄成一层,更难控制了.
Finally, the author assertion that Paleanshad no need of crossing the Brim River falls into incompletethought. Suppose that, for example, despite local abundance of nuts, berries,and small games, Paleans' food need is not filled. Perhaps people lived in thisvillage feed themselves mainly through meat of large mammals; thus the activityof hunting may require Paleans to cross the river. Unless the author can provethat Paleans' major food is those in abundance at nearby woods, his or herpresupposition is fallacious.
这个攻击方向我觉得可以深挖的,多加加想象,,难道他们就因为食物就不能过去啊?可能因为建筑材料?躲避灾害?-----效果更好
In sum, every evidence presented by theauthor contains logical fallacy, thus turn this paragraph into an unconvincingargument: woven baskets characterized by particulardistinctive pattern are unique to the village of Palea,despite the recent discovery.
看了后觉得主要问题是
你字数本身就不是很多,如果还要想把几乎所有的方面错误都概括到,这样攻击力就分散了,
所以我建议减少段落(三段足够了,三个大的攻击方向,里面也可以不同的攻击点),这样宽度就足够了,ETS又没有让你把所有的都找出来来,然后着重笔墨往深了写...
个人意见,也希望其他人对我的评论拍砖,LZ觉得不对或者不好可以别管哈.
[ 本帖最后由 speakless 于 2007-4-12 01:49 编辑 ] |
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