20天托福110分---旅狼的作文修改铺子

thatllUID：2538832

旅狼，我16楼的是不是落下了啊？期待你的批改啊

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

25# sebak 对于第一次写的文章已经不错了，看来你准备托福的时间还不长。文章的模板痕迹很重。在考试的时候会有可能被改作文的人压低分数。给你一下以后的练习建议吧。1.抛开模板不计时间练习2-4篇；2.抛开模板记录时间练习2篇；3，总结自己写作文的模板；4，用自己的模板练习并记时。

nevergohomeUID：2418838

求拍，多谢lz了。。

Do you agree or not that observing and studying animal's behaviors is useful to know human nature?

    With the publication of Darwin’s masterpiece “Origin of Species”, the very book that paved the road for modern evolutionary biology, human started to view their nature in a revolutionary way. Human nature, claimed by people of the time, is no longer an embodiment of deity or mundane moral but a refinement of animal natures, and thereby, can be understood through systematic observation of animal’s behaviors. This statement, however sound in its feasibility and usefulness, is not entirely correct--- we might find part of the truth of our natures through such method, but not all of it.

    No one can deny the fact that by studying animals’ behaviors we have learned and will continue to learn much about our natures, but only those concerning our basic needs are reliable enough. Through a broad observation of animal’s behaviors did human generalize the instincts that play elementary roles in animal’s natures (including human’s): physiological need—food, water, sex, shelter, breeding and basic social need—love, safety, and socialization. A study by Psychologist Harry Harlow showed a lack of socialization may cause irreparable psychological and mental damage: raised in bare wire cage and deprived any physical contact with their companions for several months, baby monkeys were observed to have various abnormalities such as blank staring and self-mutilation after released; and when they were reintegrated with normal monkeys, Harlow found little rehabilitation in the testees. This experiment thus demonstrates an indispensable social need for cognitive development in human natures, which is later proved by the revelation of the function of cross section in human Thalamus.

    However, rarely can we fruit anything by merely studying animals when we attempt to learn those natures intertwined in the net of our culture. Humans are so unique among other animals for their endowment of creating culture on the texture of daily life, in which arts stand out as sublime creation that can only be understood in the light of human aesthetic nature. Beethoven’s Sonata, Yeats’ lyric, Constable’s landscape and Bernini’s statuary, such arts make us stop, linger, intoxicated and even astounded by their ravishing beauty, while are generally indifferent to other creatures. It is culture that nurtures our art appreciation, the most sophisticated and abstract form of human nature, which can only be dimly understood by studying animal’s aesthetic faculties.

    Even more dangerous is the intentional analogy between animal behaviors and human natures. Such is often the case when observers study their subjects incomprehensively or when interpreters attribute specious human natures to animal behaviors. Consider, in history, there are numerous occasions we may recall: when Spencer’s theory prevailed in both side of Atlantic, when Raymond Dart’s defining human as the killer ape, and when the massacre began in the war-stricken Europe, no one would forget their claim “survival the fittest” and the overwhelming proof from animal’s behaviors. In these cases, learning human natures through analogical animal observation is not only distorting but even disastrous.

    In general, the word “useful” is rather a tricky one for it cannot be understood literally. In order to achieve usefulness through animal study, we must take every dimension into account: the level of nature we study, the culture background the nature concerns, the accuracy of our observation, the feasibility of the analogy and the ethical problem it may bring. After all, we won’t expect a misleading study to debauch human natures, although they are not as perfect as we think.

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

16# thatll 对不起，不好意思没有注意到你的这篇文章，sorry。
典型的模板开头……模板痕迹很明显。从你的文章中感觉你好像已经考过GRE了，因为写作文的方式和GRE作文很像，都是冗长的高难度句子……语法结构和用词都很GRE,但是这是托福，仅仅是考试你的基础英文写作水平。文章清晰易懂是你要做到的首要目标，这里几乎不考虑长难句……你最好能够把你的句子精简一下，一篇文章中出现1-3个长句子就OK了，就已经能够说明你有写长句子的能力了。另外，尝试举一下自己身边的例子，我的外交告诉我，美国人很喜欢写作中出现作者生活中的例子，这样更加真实。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

26# HYPS2011 恕我直言，你文章的第一段写的实在太不好，问题有二：1，没有看懂你的阐述，汽车不仅仅可以用来开到办公室的，这样的例子用来引出你的论点，太片面。2，并没有解释清楚为什么汽车比飞机重要，虽然这是第一段，但是一到两句对你下文的简单概括会是你的文章增色不少。
通篇看你得文章发现，你非常喜欢使用一些绝对的词语，比如，nobody, no one.这样的词语在文章中的出现会是你的文章被剪去不少分数。
总的来说，你对文章论点的把握不错，但是缺乏写作技巧，另外还需要规范用词。

thatllUID：2538832

34# 腾格里旅狼

OK，恩，说得很在理，呵呵，这一点我会注意的，谢谢

thatllUID：2538832

今天刚写的一篇，还请批评：Most advertisements make the products seems much better than whatit really is，agree or disagree.


With the increasing development of the advertisement, have younoticed that the huge difference between the products appeared on the screenand what it actually is? As far as I am concerned, I guess most of us willagree my opinion that most advertisements make the products seems much betterthan what it really is. I will state what I have seen and heard to share withyou can argue for my view.


To begin with, if we look around, I think you can never find anyproduct on the advertisement that disgusts you. However, many products youreally see will be revealed many deficiencies if you check it out carefully,the disadvantage you can never find out just on the advertisement. For example,when I was young, the processed noodle just started to appear in my city, andnot after a long time, the advertisement appeared on the TV. Surprised to allmy family, it looked like the noodle was so delicious that my mother who wasvery frugal at ordinary time wanted to buy it to taste as soon as she saw theadvertisement, and which was the same feeling we received from theadvertisement. However, what was to our surprise most is the enormousdifference between the feeling we felt from the TV screen and the tastes weactually felt. It was so bad and could not catch what my mother herself didjust from the flour. From then on, my whole family can never continue tobelieve any advertisement. I think such experience you must have undergone; ifnot, you must be doubt the advertisement just from when you were born. Moreworse, many advertisement has led to peril the life safety, especially to babywho can not speak. Hence, from what we have seen, it is enough for us toconclude that many advertisement are just deceiving the folks.


Furthermore, we can argue the conclusion from logical thinking.The advertisement is just for the selling of the products, so it will not offerthe shortages of the products by itself voluntarily. Otherwise, people will notgo to pursue them. Consequently we can just understand why the advertisementonly attempts to provide the advantages to the potential buyers. On the otherhand, we can also arrive the conclusion from the commercial competitionperspective. As we all know, with the rapid pace of the development of marketeconomy, the competition between the similar products is really fierce. And ifthe sellers want to survive in the commercial battle, they must try their bestto push their products to the market and attract the populace to buy. Whileadvertisement is just the strategy of the sellers, so the spirit of theadvertisement is just to craw about the products. That is the right reason whythe products on the advertisement is much better than what they really are.


In conclusion, we can draw from what we saw and what we deducelogically that most advertisement make the products seems much better than whatit really is. It is inevitable and understandable only if they will not causethe safety problems.

taoyukun-daidaiUID：2657922

你觉得花时间在工作上重要，还是跟家人在一起比较重要？
News showed several days ago is that a man died in the office. It is reported that the man worked so tired lead to sudden death. Faced with such kind of news, many people claim that laborers should pay more time with family. They claim that family is more important than a job, but people who favor more time should be spend in work, on the other hand, argue that they cannot survive without work. As I perceive the argument, we should balance both family and work. My view will be further substantiated by the following reasons.

On the one hand, satisfied with work is more important are whose who hold the passion that one can hardly stand in his place without a good effort during the work. In this new century, we should work hard while competition happened every second, otherwise we will be replaced by other people or even high-technology products. We can hardly hold our family if the job is lost. That is to say, the work is definitely essential to our common laborers.

On the other hand, the importance of family to people can never be exaggerated. Family is to us what the water is to the fish. We can never leave our family, and family also needs us. To most of people, family is their safe soul harbor. Family provide a peaceful place when they are in a stew; Family provide a cheerful place when they are upset; Family provide a rest place when they are tired. Most of people would prefer to live with family, and share the sadness or happiness with their family. People who can not keep in touch with family or even lost their family members will fall into despair. No matter how well the job is , it can not be more important than family members.

To sum up, both job and family are vital to common people. We should balance the time between the work and family. It is a better choice that we concentrate on the task during work time and talk little task difficulties in the family. We could have a fabulous lifetime in this way.

tigerzxUID：2669737

同意还是不同意，花时间工作比花时间和家人呆一起更重要
In recent years, the time spent on working or being with family members have become a controversial issue. Some people hold the opinion that we need to spend more time to work for a living in such an intensively competitive society. However, I am supportive of the argument that being with family should be on the top of our list which we need to care most.

First of all, we should acknowledge that longer working time may help one to earn more and receive more chances for promotion. However, I hold the view that the longer working time will trigger at least two problems. It is not only damage your personal relationships particularly with your family, but also cause a feeling of stress, a psychological disturbance which is now widely spreading among workers. Instead of high productivity of job, high absenteeism and high rish of getting sick will be prevalent. From this angle, the disadvantage of longer working time overshadows its merit.

On the contrary, staying with family members provides a efficient way to relax and to release one's stress and tiredness obtained from work. When facing a difficult problem, working alone by spending more time does not work while coming home, taking a shower and then share the feeling and problems with family make everything clear. Parents can help to make suggestions based on their experience while children can tease you to bring your a bright and happy mood which will undoubtedly make your idea clearly.

In addition, from the angle of family members, old parents do want to stay with their daughters and sons who act as their spiritual support and make their lives meaningful. On the other hand, the young children do need careful attendance from their parents only who can provide a surrounding with sense of security to grow up. When I was a child, I was so scared of the dark night. If my parents always worked late to night and left me alone, I believed that I would not keep a good heath for study and life due to the sleepless night. In this way, staying with family benefits all the members and creates a harmonious family.

Based on the reasons listed above, people nowadays should pay more time staying and caring about their families, which is not only good for themselves but also beneficial for the whole families.

keppel_tuUID：2641964

Which is better, doing work by machine or doing work by hand?

In the modern world, technology is developing very fast. Thanks to the technology, we don't need to do things with our owe hands, because we can use machines to do things instead of us. And the advantages of doing work by machina are very obvious. The reasons are as follows.

First of all, the machine can do the work much faster than the human beings, in other words, it means that machine is more efficient than us. The machine will never be sick, we don't have to worry about when it is not able to work because of its health problems. Besides, the machine can work all day long, while our human beings have to go to sleep in the evening. My uncle runs a factory which produces the TV sets. Since he bought the machines which were used to produce the TV sets instead of workers, his productivity has been greatly increased.

The second reason is that by using the machine to accomplish the work can save a lot of money. Machine does not need income. They can work without weekends or holidays and you do not have to pay for them even one cent. Meanwhile, machine will never be hungry, and the owner of the factory does not have to provide the machine with meals during the work time. And in this way, the cost is saved.

Finally, I would like to say that machine can  do a lot of work which requires accuracy. You see, while we do work by our owe hands, we may not fully control our hands. We may shake our hands during the operation. And in some occasions, even the slight shake may cause the failure of the operation. And at this time, we do need  the help of the machine. It can help us do the the work which should be very accurate. For example, when a patient needs a operation in the heart's tissue, we do need the help of the machine to finish the task.

All in all, I think machines can be very effient, reduce the cost of production and do a lot of work that we can't do. So while doing the work, the machine will be better.

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

37# thatll 不要用疑问句开头，因为你是尝试在说服别人同意你的观点。而如果你说”have younoticed that the huge difference between the products appeared on the screenand what it actually is?“这本身就是一个暗示，你无论如何也要相信”这种巨大差别“，这在写英文论文的时候是非常忌讳的。
2.论点句中不要出现这种绝对性的词语”never",既然都这么肯定了，你还有什么可以解释的？
3.你的例子太长……在精简一些会更好。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

38# taoyukun-daidai 首先，我很欣赏你这样的开头，很不错。但是有一点，你的例子并不切题，在办公室死亡并不意味着一定要抽时间陪家人。他只能反映这个人工作努力，或者说工作繁重。你至少应该提一下，比如“除了工作和其娱乐，基本没有时间陪家人”。
2.例子，例子。整篇文章除了第一段，好像例子突然消亡了，要学会例子和论证相平衡。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

39# tigerzx
1.好重的模板气息……如果不是马上要考试了，可以尝试抛开模板写一下。
2.第一段的结尾“should be on the top of our list”写的很赞，这样既突出了你要论述的内容，也写出了你的思考全面性。
3.你的前两段写的内容不是对立的，为什么要用on the contrary?
4.没有例子，通篇都在说理，要结合例子才能写出优秀的文章来。

manioUID：2581962

MARK

tigerzxUID：2669737

谢谢43楼的commence
实在是为了应试，习惯了这种模式，哎
另外关于例子，这篇总是找不到好的例子，应该是我语言描述能力不足导致，我会多积累例子的，3q very much