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[活动] 20天托福110分---旅狼的作文修改铺子 [复制链接]

腾格里旅狼
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电梯直达

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楼主

发表于 2009-8-5 17:16:31 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由腾格里旅狼于 2009-8-22 00:27 编辑

（好吧，我把这句话隐藏……），不过通过阿泰版主和其他斑竹和我沟通，现在也已释然。虽然消失了好久，但是每当空闲的时候还是想回来看看。看看现在的寄托IBT版有什么变化。一些老斑竹的回归再加上新版主的加入，使IBT版现在空前鼎盛，心里很高兴。马上快走了，决定用这一段时间再为寄托IBT版尽一下余温。大家有什么作文都发上来吧。我会帮助大家修改的。腾格里旅狼的作文铺子重新开张了。哈哈

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taoyukun-daidai		+ 1	小狼，我崇拜你！
jiang08	+ 5	+ 4	支持！我最近也累了……
hyacinth	+ 20	+ 5	~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ first of all, welc
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daney68
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沙发

发表于 2009-8-5 17:19:34 |只看该作者

楼主回来了，呵呵。占个沙发。

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腾格里旅狼
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板凳

发表于 2009-8-5 17:36:21 |只看该作者

呵呵，谢谢，这段时间不怎么忙，所以来帮大家改革作文，你考的怎么样？

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walala
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地板

发表于 2009-8-5 18:04:18 |只看该作者

强烈支持LZ!!!!~^^

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姥姥的好孩子
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5楼

发表于 2009-8-5 20:33:10 |只看该作者

1. People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
There is an widespread controversy when it comes to why there are so many people choose to continue their studying in college or university. Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concerns, people might have their own answers to this issue. As far as I am concerned, there are three main reasons why people attend college or university, as discussed below.
To start with, among the most reasons identified by people who choose to attend college or university, one of them should be stressed--to gain sufficient knowledge before they enter the society. As a matter of fact, with the development of modern society, the requirement of companies for their will-be employees' degrees are becoming higher and higher. This fact could be aptly illustrated by a survey including hundreds of companies throughout our country conducted recently. There are 80 percent of these companies require their employees have at least bachelor, almost twice the rate ten years ago. That is the highest percent in history, continuing na upward trend begun in 1990s. So people have to enter the colleges or universities to gain more knowledge before entering the society.
Furthermore, a multitude of other reasons conspire toward people's propensity of attending college or university. Making friends should be undoubtedly emphasized among these reasons. Attending college or university, in fact, is not only a chance to learn more practical skills but also a valuable chance to enhance people's social relationship. Yu Minhong, the CEO of New Oriental School-the largest English Institute in China, just found his future partners in his days on campus. Without the friends he made in his college, there could not be the best English institute in China and there could not be the success of Yu today meanwhile. Thus, we could have a better understanding of the significance of making friends in college or university.
Last but not the least, virtually attending college or university is so many people's dream in China especially for these who come from small towns. Lacking sufficient educational resource, there are only a small part of people who are the most excellent students in high school could have the chance and ability to attend college or university in China. Continuing studying in college and university in big cities has become the students and their families' dream to some extent. That is why there are so many students in small towns tried their best to attend college and university in Beijing-the capital of China. Realizing the dream always comes first.
Obviously, all the analysis and concrete examples justified an unshakable conclusion that obtaining knowledge, making friends and realizing the dream are the most rudimentary reason why people attending college or university in China.
Word Count: 448
麻烦您了，谢谢

我会一直想你，这一次，我敢说，是永远...

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catfield
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6楼

发表于 2009-8-5 21:37:10 |只看该作者

我来支持一下

百折不挠，屡败屡战
不到黄河心不死，不见棺材不落泪
Never, never give up

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kuaru
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7楼

发表于 2009-8-5 22:01:52 |只看该作者

看到楼主的帖子我要泪流满面啦~~~
好人呐，啥也不说了，麻烦你了
这个og后面的那篇，也是俺的第一篇，lz千万不要手下留情~~多谢啦
Topic: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible.Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time.Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to suport your opinion.

In recent years, there seem to be a tendancy that more and more young adults are renting apartments outside homes to be independent from their parents. Still, there are also a great deal of young grown ups who choose to live a longer time with their parents. After comparing the advantages and disadvantages of the two chooses, I would prefer living alone for the following reasons.

First and the most important, depending on yourself is an inevitable situation which will come to you sooner or later, so why not prepare youself for the new experience and challenges earlier? It is when we are away from the protection of our parents and tasting the bitterness of the real life can we exert our potential to its most and get to know what I am lacking of as an experienced and sophiticated adult. Just take one of my classmates Lisa who was living alone in an apartment not far from our compus as an example. At first, she was almost driven crazy by those trifles such as paying electrical and water expenses, cleaning the room, shopping for daily commodities, to name just a few. She admits that it needs both proper arrangements and self-control to live without parents, yet she also thinks this experience is rewarding.

Another reason why I prefer living by myself is that without 24-hour observation of our parents we can feel more privacy. Some of the young adults are really tired of the weary nags of their parents, though most of them show how much they care about you, however, no one would like to be frequently told what kind of friends you should not make or what kind of music you should listen.A good example is that when you are geting together or having parties with your friends ,you would not have the trouble asking your parents for permission whom you are going to invite or which piece of music you can play.

Besides all the benefits you get, on the other hand, when you are living ouside, your aging parents can also release from both taking care of you (like do cooking and washing for you) and the extra expenses for your daily use. I believe as an adult, it is time for you to learn how to take care of as well as finance yourself.

From all that have been discussed above,we can see that living alone has a variety of benefits for both young adults and their parents. Thus, we may safely draw the conclusion that young adults should be independent from parents as soon as possible to well prepare themselves for the forthcoming challenges.

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腾格里旅狼
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8楼

发表于 2009-8-5 23:15:27 |只看该作者

5# 姥姥的好孩子 首先再次阐述以下改作文的理念：我的语法不好，与其误导大众，不如不改，所以，我从不改语法……另外，我认为，一片结构和逻辑清晰的文章，就算出现一些语法问题，也没关系，不会对评分产生太大影响……
1.首句太长了，如果仅仅是为了展示自己的长单句能力，不如在文中写出，首段就是为了让改卷者明白文章论点，所以用简单句最好，直接了当。
2.标准的模板首段……模仿痕迹太强，如果不是急着考试，可以尝试抛开模板练一段时间。
3.你的文章逻辑和论证很清晰，但是，并没有突出文章反面的论点，你可以通篇头在论证上大学的好，但是你如果能用1-2句话阐述以下反面观点会使你的文章增色不少。

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腾格里旅狼
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9楼

发表于 2009-8-5 23:24:02 |只看该作者

7# kuaru
1.你的手段太长……用精炼的短句能够使你的文章论点更加清晰，帮助考官更好的理解你的论点；
2.你有一些太在意字数和句法，导致你的文章读起来很生涩，不连贯，尝试一下不给自己限定时间，不给自己限定字数的写一篇作文，放松一下，会对你帮助很大的；
3.你的论点阐述的不清楚，以第一段为例，你只是说经验和挑战，但是这是一个很大的范围，你不可能用区区几百字阐述明白，所以，进想写一些小一点的论点，比如，这个可以写成"照顾自己的经验”，这样你的论点范围就小了很多；
4.考虑到你的文章论证独自生活的优点并不充分，你不应该再单独分出一段写和家人住的优点。这样更加消弱了你的论证。你可以尝试在最后一段用一句话提一下就好了。

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kuaru
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10楼

发表于 2009-8-5 23:40:12 |只看该作者

9# 腾格里旅狼
感谢楼主，我觉得1，2说的很对~~~我以后会注意的
不过那个。。我好像没有说和家人一起住的有点

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keppel_tu
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11楼

发表于 2009-8-6 00:15:36 |只看该作者

Car use will be reduced 20 years later

Car is the one of the greatest inventions which has greatly changed the world of 20th century. Thanks to the invention of car, we can travel from place to place with ease. The world is becoming smaller and smaller. However, though car brings convenience to the transport of the modern society, it also destroys the mobility when traffic jams occur. So in the later 20 years there must be some other vehicles replace the cars. The reasons are as follows.

First, car uses gasoline as its fuel by burning in the engine and then emits the gas which is poisonous to human life. The gas will pollute our living environment and causes us ill. There was a young couple who lived near my house. They had a child several years ago. However, the child couldnot speak even when he was 4 years old. His parents worried about him and sent him to the doctor. After carefully check-up, the doctor concluded the result the child is lead poisoning. The child may inbreathe too much exhaust gas emitted by the cars when he was very young. The child's parents are very sad but the could do nothing to. So if we insist on using cars, more tragedy may happen and our living condition will become worse.

Second, as mentioned above, cars do create the mobility but it also destroys the mobilty when traffic jams occur. It is very annoying when there is a traffic jam, you can just stay in the car worrying about the plane which is about to take off or the meeting which will be held in the next few minutes. Scientists are always trying to solve this problem. They are trying to invent some other new transporting objects, such as flying objects which can avoid the traffic jam and have much higher speed to save our time and make the world become smaller and smaller.

As the result, in the later years car use will be reduced. Not only is because of air pollution produced by the cars but the mobility which recreates by the new transport inventions.

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libra5
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12楼

发表于 2009-8-6 00:19:15 |只看该作者

谢谢LZ,又看到好人了，真心感谢！

Title: The extended family (grandparent, cousin, aunts, uncles) become less important in modern society than the past

During the past several centuries, the extended family was highly common, whereas in modern society, it becomes less prevalent than before. Why could this happen? Compared with society in the past, modern society has many factors, such as distinct habits, personal privacy, and money, which can influence the significant of extended family. As far as I am concerned, the extended family plays a less important role in modern society. My views can be substantiated by the following arguments.

Diversity of modern society causes people to have more and more living habits. This is because several new inventions, such as television, computer, produce enormous varieties in people’s behaviors. Thus, extended family can not suit modern people who have dissimilar habits. In the past, the life is simple. Family members have few things to do and could abide regular timetable easily. Nowadays, listening rock music, watching basketball in television are not suitable for elder, even people who in the same age have dissimilar tastes. So noise these actions are that people have to do their best to balance their habits and others’ rest. In addition, different member may have distinct work time. So in order to take supper together, people in extended family have to wait for a long time until everyone is back home. If people could live accord their own habits, they will feel pleased and relaxed.

Privacy appears more significant for modern people. It is conceivable that fast pace and competition engender more pressure than before. In the past, grandpa, uncle and cousin live together. They do not have complex society relationship. So there is not much privacy need to keep. Nevertheless, in modern society, people may meet difficulties in jobs or have dispute with friends, or even make mistakes outside. What if they want to vent? If in a private house, they can be cry, angry or even speak no words whole day. It is apparent that the extended family can not provide independent space for them.

Money also has influence on the extended family. In the old days, family member are willing to share lots of resources. For example, they could use their own savings to buy food, add new furniture and so on. They do not care whether every member should contribute equally. But now, the value of society makes money sensitive. Nobody wants to pay a little bit more money to buy something for family. Even someone would like profit at others expense. Therefore, is it not necessary for people live in an extended family?

Although the extended family means less than before, some people still miss it. People miss such kind of simplicity and harmony in extended family. Present, if habits, privacy and money are taken into account, people would choose to leave extended family.

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FFFFound
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13楼

发表于 2009-8-6 20:15:15 |只看该作者

第一次写，请多多指正！
TOPIC：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

A teacher's ability to relate well with students is more important than excellent knowledge of the subject being taught.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your anwer.

My Writing：
Education is definitely essencial to people, especially to determine our human's future. Therefore, thousands of hundreds money and human resoucres contribute to eduction so that our education would be advanced and in this case, teacher plays a vital role, why? A teacher's abilitiy to relate well with the students is important? Yes, and probably cricial. Does that ability is more important that excellent knowledge of the subject being taught? I believe not.

To be frank, the relationship between teacher and students is basis to education. A enjoyable relationship can enhance the communication and simulate the interesting of study. Compared with an excellent knowledge being taught, interesting is much more essencial because suppose, for example, if a student have a talent in the realm of mathematics, however, he does not like the math teacher even if the teacher is the most great teaher in the country and his class is vivid. How can an interactivity progess? Therefore, a teacher's good capability can save this hole of relationship, and a talent mathematic genius would be borned.

Nevertheless, it is clear to me that just a nice job of relating well with studentys is insurficient. Because learning has great many ways, for the college students, independent thought and experiment maybe far outweight to the traditional class. In this way, student need less help, or even a students group can replace the position of a teacher. For instance, SOVO, namely, students office and Venture office, be established by only students, it is like a studio or a company. In the SOVO, there is fulfilled with challenges that the projects need much more konwledge than that you learned in your class. So the students have to study by themselves and them use these finish the risks and make productions. Both thoery and practice are all learned by the students themselves.

Even though college student reley on the teacher less that the middle school or high school's students do. The face-to-face communication and discussion enable students get more knows. For high school students, they are peaparing for their application to an extraordinary university like Stanford, Harvard or MIT. Which the they do need most is certainly obtaining excellent konwledge being taught by their teaher. In the competitive situation, a famous high school's teacher would be accpetd more respect and higher salary, due to the method of teaching and aboundent experience. What the students care is not the relationship but how to get better knowledge. Consequently,can a ablitity to relate well with students is more impotant than excellent konwledge of the subject being taught? The answer is obvious.

To sum up, a teahcer have a great relationship wth the students in some ways is quite needed. However, it cannot put much emphasis when compared with an excellent konwledge be taught.

GT是需要每天上来逛一逛的！

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爱吃软糖的becky
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14楼

发表于 2009-8-6 21:25:41 |只看该作者

谢谢啦
Letting a friend make a mistake is better than saying or doing something that may destroy the friendship

In my point of view, true friendship is based on trust and belief and it can bear the truth, so i do not agree with the statement that it is better letting a friend make a mistake, instead, I hold the view that friends should be honesty to each other. Without basic reliance in friendship, without sincere attitude toward friendship, friend is not true friend any longer. Telling the truth, even when the reality may undermine the friendship, it is worth doing in that avoiding a friend from making mistakes is a more significant thing which may influence one's life in the long run. If it really happens that doing appropriate things leads to the breaking down of a truly friendship, it is fortunate that someone's life is not ruined because of some mistakes.
Further more, I hardly agree with the point that friendship is so fragile that one is afraid of losing it and blind to his friend's mistake. Relationship between friends is like a mirror, one can know more about himself through a true friend, and that is how friendship affects one's life. The best preservation of friendship is mutual directions in each aspect. Doing right things would neither ruin a friendship nor hurt a true friend.
Besides, telling the truth may enhance the friendship to some extent in that there is nothing can compare with the sincere concern among friends that touches the bottom of one's heart. It is just because one cannot realize his wrong direction at some crucial occasion, a friend in need is a friend indeed, suggestions that proposed on time not only can save a big mistake but also can test whether friends are really care about each other.
In other words, telling the truth in a friendship add the relationship more warm atmosphere, I believe that telling the truth is better than letting a friend make a mistake.

There can be miracles when you believe/
10 fall

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腾格里旅狼
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15楼

发表于 2009-8-6 21:56:45 |只看该作者

11# keppel_tu
1.第一段写得很不错，没有明显的作文模板痕迹，而且段落写的很连贯。但是你的的总结句不好，reduce不是意味着replace，你的文章论点有一些跑。
2.正文第一段，写的非常不好，根本没有看明白你到底要说什么。如果你想写污染环境，最好能给出一组数字，这样看起来更醒目一些。
3.总的来看，你的作文还需要加强练习，虽然例子写的不错，但是论点和论证写的不是很好。

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入学之前交学位和毕业证书就可以，反正荷兰是可以大四申请，毕业后就读的。

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有几个offer和等着的选项不知道如何选择，求大佬们给点意见，以后想phd 继续实验物理，个人经历主要是关于同步辐射等大科学装置，但以后不想受限于同步辐射，自由电子激光等大科学装置

欧陆地理信息选校

本人背景：山川吉之一，均分排名较高，少科研无产出，一些竞赛。不知道对选项能不能有一些参考。目前意愿：申博≈留欧找工＞回国，有转行的想法，个人不太喜欢编程，工薪家庭，还是偏向能省则省但选项中的花费都在预算内。请大家帮忙投票，方便的话在评论区写一写理由，不胜感激。 eit：可持续交通项目。Aalto入UPC出，优点是给了excellent奖学金而且可以转行，缺点是听说不好读博以及西班牙不好找工找实习。 lund：GIS and Remote Sensing项目，之前很想去的项目，参照官网给的花费参考大概是40w左右。伊拉姆斯：GEM双学位项目，Geo-information Science and Earth Observation for Environmental Modelling and Management，lund进twente itc出。花费比lund少。

关于申博跳板硕的选择。目标是去港五读会计博士，港中深会计授课硕和港科广的mphil哪个更有利于申博

罗马一大统计vs卢森堡数学

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Lingnan University

可持续环境分析

1.自我介绍2.why LU？why program3.聊一下你的能力4.有没有相关研究经历5.gap这段时间在做什么6.毕业后的...

University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

strategic management &entrepreneurship

1.自我介绍2.why UNC3.感兴趣的研究方向4.你想从UNC学到什么？

Leipzig Graduate School of Management

1.why HHL2.class scale3.internship detail4.presentation5.discussion6.反问...

Bocconi University

1-confirm POI2.ask for preferences

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