ISSUE137 已更改语法错，望大侠拍砖点评，感激不尽

多多罗多UID: 2688941

What we call progress isa matter of exchanging one problem for another


Almost every time we human beings attained new progress, we attained new problems as well. From the birth of human society,creating progress seems as a human instinct. It is hard to stop accelerating efficiency, exploring new lands, producing new goods, and then consuming the resource. Just as Newton denoted,the energy in the world goes around and comes around. If mankind gained too much from the nature, they must be paying for it, and that generated problems.


To begin with, in view of sociology, advanced working tools dramatically increased productivity and efficiency, which arose new social tensions and problems. In the 18 Century in America,industrialization freed a large number of women from their houses to working places.Because the work related to cleaning became easier by upgraded working tools such as dish washing machine, massive times had been released for women who aspired to contribute more in other social areas. They were also more energetic to go to educational institutions for learning advanced skills. Consequently,the development of numbers of female workers seemed as a shock to the society that time, whether for men or for women. In particular, along with this liberated power from household work, women began lifting their thoughts and inner sense to identify their new status in society. A good example to the case the so-called feminism emerged along with the production progressed,intensified the power struggle between genders.


In other fields, new discoveries can be seen as the progress of exploring the world; they usually incited new social tensions as well. Since the Icelandic Vikings found America hundreds years ago, the conflicts for dominating the new continent had never been ceased until 1950s.Similarly, when American astronomers landed at the Moon, other countries and the U.S. have been contemplating the problem about how to allocate the supposed resource in the Moon. For the same reason, the recent international force has denounced that the U.S. government approved nuclear experiments took place in the outer space which somehow contaminated the Earth atmosphere system.


Speaking to outer space, the ecosystem might also involved in problems when mankind consumed overwhelming natural resource and disrupted the system. In computer industry, being that computers are faster, easier and less expensive than ever before, people in American throwout obsolete computers more frequently than ten years ago. In particular, old computers contain hazardous materials, and thus incinerating them would probably jeopardize the air quality of certain area. Although American government set up relatively stringent law on environmental issues that regulated these recycling activities, by records, the computer manufacturers might ship electronic wastes over to developing countries to be disposed. This transferring might in some way mitigated the pollution in America, yet, due to the deficiency of Green technologies in developing countries, inappropriate recycling hardened the ecosystem conditions. This problem does yearn for global attentions in the sense that the environmental problems were not generated by a single country and thus cannot be solved without international cooperation.


Given all above, whenever we attained new progress, we attained new problems as well. Once we found new land, we have to discuss the new strategy to distribute the new resource; along with the advanced productivity, we cannot over consume without consideration of the continuous recycling. The universal principle is the society will never stop developing, as thus, each progress with have its concomitant problem we have to address.

azazlUID: 2629652

What we call progress is a matter of exchanging one problem for another


Almost every time we human beings attained new progress,（这个地方的逗号我觉得是正确，因为后面的确有as well，但是在word里面要求改为“；”，茫然了，求高手指正） we attained new problems as well. From the birth of human society, creating progress seems as a human instinct. It is hard to stop accelerating efficiency（查了W-M,这个词表示第一：the quality or degree of being efficient，第二：efficient operation第三：a small usually furnished apartment with minimal kitchen and bath facilities，在这里人类进步和efficient没有什么关系）, exploring new lands, producing new goods, and then consuming the resource. Just as Newton denoted, the energy in the world goes around and comes around. If mankind gained too much from the nature, they must be paying for it (如果表示将来将要偿还，应该是being pay for it), and that generated (would generate，前后时态要一致) problems. （首段：人类进步了，问题产生了）


To begin with, in view（the view） of sociology, advanced working tools dramatically increased productivity and efficiency, which arose new social tensions and problems. In the 18(应该是18th吧) Century in America, industrialization freed a large number of women from their houses to working places（free from表示免于避免什么东西，但是后面又搭配一个to，网上也没有查到这样的用法。楼主的意思应该是想说使许多女性从家庭作坊式的生产模式转变成了工厂生产的模式吧，建议换一个词组）. Because the work related to cleaning became easier by upgraded working tools such as dish washing machine, massive（再次查了W-M,此词所有修饰都是和重量有关。虽然可以读懂，但是显得很不地道） times had been released for women who aspired to contribute more in other social areas. They were also more energetic to go to educational institutions for learning advanced skills. Consequently, the development of numbers of female workers seemed as a shock to the society that time, whether for men or for women. In particular, along with this liberated power from household work, women began lifting their thoughts and inner sense to identify their new status in society. A good example to the case（the case is） the so-called feminism emerged along with the production progressed, intensified(伴随状语intensifying) the power struggle（要么是powerful struggle，要么是power to struggle，这个地方我没有读懂） between genders. （第二段：18世纪生产力的发展使女性重新寻求新的社会地位。虽然是举例，但是缺乏对例证的分析，就是一个例子摆在这里让读者天马行空地猜想楼主的本意。建议写出“TS+引+例证+分析+小总结”的段内结构。同时扣题不紧，请问女性重新寻求新的社会地位和问题有什么关系呢？到底什么是seemed as a shock to the society，一笔带过，忽略题目的关键词problem）


In other fields, new discoveries can be seen as the progress of exploring the world; they usually incited new social tensions as well. Since the Icelandic Vikings found America hundreds years ago, the conflicts for dominating the new continent had never been ceased until 1950s.Similarly, when American astronomers landed at the Moon, other countries and the U.S. have been contemplating the problem about how to allocate the supposed resource（resources）in the Moon. For the same reason（此处和reason无关，难道月球资源分配问题是国际势力职责M国政府引起大气系统污染问题的原因吗？如果楼主没有合理的解释，缺乏必要的推导，读者就会有这样的疑问。）, the recent international force has denounced that the U.S. government approved nuclear experiments took place in the outer space which somehow contaminated（再次提醒前后时态has been contaminating）the Earth atmosphere system.（第三段：人类不断探索新领域，并总有新问题。本段承接首段中的exploring new lands，但是还是和第二段一样的问题，缺乏分析，段内结构不明显。）


Speaking to outer space, the ecosystem might also involved（前面有情态动词用involve） in problems when mankind consumed overwhelming natural resource and disrupted the system（it）. In computer industry, being that computers are faster, easier and less expensive（cheaper）
than ever before, people in American（America）
throw out obsolete computers more frequently than ten years ago. In particular, old computers contain hazardous materials, and thus（连词不要多）incinerating them would probably jeopardize the air quality of certain area. Although American government set up relatively stringent law on environmental issues that regulated these recycling activities, by records, the computer manufacturers might ship electronic wastes over to developing countries to be disposed（dispose those sacrifices）. This transferring might in some way mitigated the pollution in America, yet, due to the deficiency of Green technologies in developing countries, inappropriate recycling hardened the ecosystem conditions. This problem does yearn for global attentions in the sense that the environmental problems were not generated by a single country and thus cannot be solved without international cooperation. (第四段：废弃电脑的不合理处理引起环境问题。终于没有说discovery了，但是科技进步同样缺乏说理论证。中间真正的逻辑是：电脑工业的进步->电脑使用周期减短->废弃电脑增多->环境问题，比较复杂，建议楼主已经在列举前面两段的事例，而且本身没有足够多的段内分析的时候，第四段写成说理论证段以支撑提出观点。)


Given all above, whenever we attained new progress, we attained new problems as well. Once we found new land, we have to discuss the new strategy to distribute the new resource; along with the advanced productivity, we cannot over consume without consideration of the continuous recycling. The universal principle is the society will never stop developing, as thus, each progress with have（去掉，反复看了几次初觉得是倒装，后来肯定是楼主多打了一个单词 = =）its concomitant problem we have to address.（总结段：progress引起problems，但是忽略了第四段的科技进步，被遗弃的第四段啊!）

本题属于定义XX为OO的题型，建议楼主抓住题干中的关键词：progress，exchange, problem展开论述。楼主很好地定义了progress-discovery toward new land，但是不充分，难道人类进步就是在探索新世界？科技发展的进步算不算（第四段），文化的进步算不算，教育，经济的进步算不算，甚至不断发展的过程中产生了那么新的社会趋势（社会分工的细分，全球经济一体化，资源的再分配，对弱势群体<黑人，女人，女黑人>的关怀和重视）和社会副产物（战争，国家，政府，河蟹社会）的出现算不算进步？。Exchange也可以说一下，还有problems个人认为是三个之中最重要的，但是楼主第二段没有细说，第三段说的笼统，好不容易第四段详细说清楚problems了但是又遗弃了第四段。
楼主主要问题是例证太多，缺乏说理论述和合理推导，建议写出“TS+引+例证+分析+小总结”的段内结构。同时例证不求多，抓着1-2个细说就可以了，其他的稍带举例就可以了。
词汇量比较大，但是建议措词要准确，最好先查一下W-M，不然看起来很奇怪。


PS：楼主抽空帮我看看我的吧，thx！
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-999783-1-1.html