ISSUE13 [REBORN FROM THE ASHES] TASK ONE by 中原527

中原527UID: 2707367

憋出来的处女作...

借鉴了草木提供的帖子，觉得还蛮受启发

【题目拆解】

Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost as fewer and fewer people speak them. The governments of countries in which these languages are spoken should act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct.


Part one--Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost as fewer and fewer people speak them.

【主】lesser-known languages

【逻辑】be—事实

【宾】being lost

【原因】fewer and fewer people speak them

Part two--The governments of countries in which these languages are spoken should act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct.

【主】governments
（限定：which these languages are spoken）
一定要注意这个，不少人会忽视，然后就跑题了的，对should的立意，一定要紧扣government的动机取向

【谓】act to prevent
注意这个动作是prevent（M-W: to keep from happening or existing）

【宾】such languages
方向定好了，是那些lesser-known languages，fewer and fewer people speak them，不要扩大到汉语英语一类的，可以做对比类比，但是始终记住你的主要讨论对象

【逻辑】should--倾向

关键词：lesser-known languages，governments，prevent
topic逻辑&结构：1+1型--先事实陈述，然后给出倾向
本文逻辑结构：
1.总述作者观点,现状
2.部分人意见：语言统一的好处
3.反驳：语言是文化的组成部分
                  语言承载祖辈的历史文化（埃及例子）
                  语言多样性代表文化多样性，多样文化能够促进总体文化的前进（印象派）
4.总结我们应该齐心保护文化多样性，政府扮演主要角色。
5.资料来源

http:// www.hudong.com/wiki/%E4%BA%BA%E7%B1%BB%E8%AF%AD%E8%A8%80
http://portal.unesco.org/culture/en/ev.php-URL_ID=35344&URL_DO=DO_TOPIC&URL_SECTION=201.html
http://www.docin.com/p-24165853.html埃及纸草书

The author said that our government should take action to protect the languages which decreasing people speak from becoming extinct. The recent report said that the deputy of United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization point out the argument that the languages of the minority groups in disadvantaged situation, which is facing the impact of internet, mighty languages and global integration ,is in the danger of extinct at the forum of The ninth International Mother Language Day on 21 February 2008.

Of cause, there are quite a few people presenting their perspective that if we have only one language, we can communicate fluently than before and no misunderstanding because of different languages. One chapter of the bible says that , Babel was built by the human being who are solidly united on the same goal about creating the architecture which is higher than the heaven ,the god was so afraid that made the human have different languages. The beings were no longer in a cooperative of creating Babel, for they found that they were speaking different languages that others couldn't understand each other. This is the demonstration of bible that difference languages leads disruptive action, isn't it?

But they ignore the concernful truth that the languages are the most crucial component of the civilization and the foundation or the carrier, which the stories, mythology, legend, fables and other different kinds of artistic works rely on .And then, the languages include in the rich history of the ethical civilization. The knowledge and experiences ,which the human beings summarize according the battle with the nature for thousands of years ,are contained in their languages, and depends on the languages, which contain stories and telling, to hand down from their ancestors to the next generation. The annihilation of one kind of language means the extinction of a unique kind of culture. The hieroglyphic writing of Egypt gives us the experience we should to learn. There are no beings not hearing the pyramid of Egypt. But in early time, no man can read the words of Cyprus papyrus only from Egypt, which may record the much knowledge of old Egypt we don't know, until a Frenchmanwho engaged in seeking the secret of Egypt translated them. Therefore, the most of mystery of Egyptian cultural heritage are shown to us. At last, different languages respect the varies of civilization, and the cultural diversity leads communication of different of culture. For instance, in the art field, when the neoclassical style seems to go to the end, some painter focus on The ancient Oriental, and the fresco of Egypt ,the Yamato-e of Japan were
becoming a fount of inspiration to them, for this reason there is the birth of impressionism.
In conclusion, no that majority of languages are endangered, we must collectively handle the task about protecting these languages, and the government should play the important role in this action. Above all, the rule of protecting languages in danger should be written into the law. Seeing that the native language is instilled into the children from their infancy, local government should allow the school to teach them in two languages which are the mother language and the universal language. And then, in the impulse of government, the computer or telephone which can be used in the languages of minority nationality are invented.

写完后的最大的感受是，表达能力不行....
想说啥却说不清楚
很多表达都比较简单，不会牛人那么复杂高级的词汇词组。。。

gongyuxiang1990UID: 2697832

Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost as (fewer and fewer people speak them)原因. The governments of (countries in which these languages are spoken) 限定should act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct.

整体分析很赞，限定，细节都很到位。但是关键部分should貌似背忽略了。
有should就涉及价值判断，判断的标准是什么呢？should or should not? 主体是什么呢？act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct。我们是不是应该以这个标准来展开论述呢？
初看提纲感觉没抓住重点……预知后事如何，待俺慢慢看来……


红色是有问题的地方
蓝色是我的建议
紫色是主题相关内容
The author said（claimed/assert感觉更好些） that our government（你在分析时候提到那个government的限定了，这里应该提到，一用our直接给藐视了） should take action to protect the languages which decreasing people speak（建议用被动语态） from becoming extinct. The recent report said that the deputy of United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization point out the argument that the languages of the minority groups in disadvantaged situation, which is facing the impact of internet, mighty languages and global integration, is in the danger of extinct at the forum of The ninth International Mother Language Day on 21 February 2008. （首段没有提出的自己的观点…另，上边这个句子是直接搬过来用的吧？建议用自己的语言精简表达一下，引用的东西不需要这么多，而且直接用会感觉与整体文法不相称）

Of cause, there are quite a few people presenting their perspective that if we have only one language, we can communicate fluently than before and no misunderstanding because of different languages.(句子有问题，好好斟酌下) One chapter of the bile says that, Babel was built by the human being who are solidly united on the same goal about creating the architecture which is higher than the heaven, the god was so afraid that made the human have different languages. The beings were no longer in a cooperative of creating Babel, for they found that they were speaking different languages that others couldn't understand each other. This is the demonstration of bible that difference languages leads disruptive action, isn't it?（依然没有提出自己的观点）

But they ignore the concernful truth that the languages are the most crucial component of the civilization and the foundation or the carrier, which the stories, mythology, legend, fables and other different kinds of artistic works rely on.（主题句终于出来了，但是更像对language的定义，还是没有体现自己的观点）And then, the languages include in the rich history of the ethical civilization. The knowledge and experiences ,which the human beings (have) summarized according（to） the battle with the nature for thousands of years ,are contained in their languages, and depends on the languages, which contain stories and telling, to hand down from their ancestors to the next generation. (初期不建议写这种长句，看起来条理不清，表意不清，仔细分析还有错误)The annihilation of one kind of language means the extinction of a unique kind of culture. The hieroglyphic writing of Egypt gives us the experience we should to learn. There are no beings not hearing the pyramid of Egypt.(这个要表达什么？没看懂)But in early time, no（本来这个not…until用的很好，但是没好好利用，如果写成not a single person could read…或许好些）man can read the words of Cyprus papyrus only from Egypt, which may record the much knowledge of old Egypt we don't know, until a Frenchman who engaged in seeking the secret of Egypt translated them. Therefore, the most of mystery of Egyptian cultural heritage are shown to us. At last, different languages respect the varies of civilization, and the cultural diversity leads communication of different of culture. For instance, in the art field, when the neoclassical style seems to go to the end, some painter focus on The ancient Oriental, and the fresco of Egypt ,the Yamato-e of Japan were becoming a fount of inspiration to them, for this reason there is the birth of impressionism.

In conclusion, no that majority of languages are endangered, we must collectively handle the task about protecting these languages, and the government should play the important role in this action.（word检查出来的大句语法错误…）Above all, the rule of protecting languages in danger should be written into the law.(前面的论证没有一点能推到low的啊）Seeing that the native language is instilled into the children from their infancy, local government should allow the school to teach them in two languages which are the mother language and the universal language. And then, in the impulse of government, the computer or telephone which can be used in the languages of minority nationality are invented. (这一段是总结性的，提出建议的，但是应该是与前文紧密相连的，是对前文的一种深化建议，不能孤立提出的！)

通篇没有提到自己的观点，只是用例子进行堆砌，诚然一篇5分范文也是大段例子堆起来的，但是人家在开头总引了思路。建议：主要是逻辑、结构和表意方面多下功夫，例子是水到渠成的东西，不必刻意查找，更不能靠例子来堆砌行文，例子永远是用来支持你的观点的，不能本末倒置啊！


总的来说吧，这篇文章不算成功。没有抓住issue的核心。但是，第一篇只是个入门，无论如何先造出来，进步是慢慢来的，建议自己先自改，然后别人改后自己再改，然后看了范文，总结后再改，直到满意为止！加油！




以上均为个人意见,仅供参考！

gongyuxiang1990UID: 2697832

呵呵，知道我是谁吧？咱们是朋友，我也就毫不留情的给你批了，不要见怪哈^_^
想发泄的话拿我这篇文章发泄吧！
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1038838-1-1.html
GOOD LUCK！

中原527UID: 2707367

呵呵，知道我是谁吧？咱们是朋友，我也就毫不留情的给你批了，不要见怪哈^_^
想发泄的话拿我这篇文章发泄吧！
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1038838-1-1.html
GOOD LUCK！
gongyuxiang1990 发表于 2009-12-8 23:45

昏，这么稀烂的文章居然被你找到了................
佩服...

gongyuxiang1990UID: 2697832

4# 中原527
在作文铺偶然发现的啦，嘿嘿！
你也拍拍我的文章吧~多改改还是有好处的！

123runfordreamUID: 2697608

The author said that our government should take action to protect the languages which decreasing people speak from becoming extinct. The recent report said that the deputy of United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization point out the argument that the languages of the minority groups in disadvantaged situation, which is facing the impact of internet, mighty languages and global integration, is in the danger of extinct at the forum of The ninth International Mother Language Day on 21 February 2008. （这段讲了两个点，第一是陈述issue的观点。第二是举例陈述现状。不过，二者放在一起，怪怪的。如果顺序换下位置会不会好一点？先陈述现象，再引出issue的观点，最后来陈述自己的观点。建议。）
Of cause, there are quite a few people presenting their perspective that if we have only one language, we can communicate fluently than before and no misunderstanding because of（小建议：due to 会不会更好？有待探讨。） different languages. One chapter of the bible says that, Babel was built by the human being who are solidly united on the same goal about creating the architecture which is higher than the heaven ,the god was so afraid that （he）made the human have different languages. The beings were no longer in a cooperative （哇——对我来说这么用是新词！）of creating Babel, for they found that they were speaking different languages that others （用they吧）couldn't understand each other. This is the demonstration of bible that difference languages leads disruptive action, isn't it?

But they ignore the concernful（没有见过这个词concerning？concerned？） truth that the languages are the most crucial component of the civilization and the foundation or the carrier（?）, which the stories, mythology, legend, fables and other different kinds of artistic works rely on .And then, the languages include in the rich history of the ethical civilization. The knowledge and experiences ,which the human beings summarize according （to）the battle with the nature for thousands of years ,are contained in their languages, and depends on the languages, which contain stories and telling, to hand down from their ancestors to the next generation. The annihilation of one kind of language means the extinction of a unique kind of culture. The hieroglyphic writing of Egypt gives us the experience we should to learn. There are no beings not hearing the pyramid of Egypt. But in early time, no man can read the words of Cyprus papyrus only from Egypt, which may record the much knowledge （information?）of old Egypt we don't know(这句话可以不用或者换点花样用), until a Frenchman who engaged in seeking the secret of Egypt translated them. Therefore, the most of mystery of Egyptian cultural heritage are shown to us. At last, different languages respect the varies（这是动词vary的第三人称单数形式，名词variation——pl. variations） of civilization, and the cultural diversity leads communication of different of culture. For instance, in the art field, when the neoclassical style seems to go to the end, some painter focus on The ancient Oriental, and the fresco of Egypt ,the Yamato-e of Japan were becoming a fount of inspiration to them, for this reason there is the birth of impressionism.——这表达中式话吧。这么说我一时没有改的主意。
In conclusion, no that majority of languages are endangered, we must collectively handle the task about protecting these languages, and the government should play the（我用a，the more 也可以。） important role in this action. Above all, the rule of protecting languages in danger should be written into the law. Seeing that the native language is instilled into the children from their infancy, local government should allow the school to teach them in two languages which are the mother language and the universal language. And then, in the impulse of government, the computer or telephone which can be used in the languages of minority nationality are invented.

写完后的最大的感受是，表达能力不行....
想说啥却说不清楚
很多表达都比较简单，不会牛人那么复杂高级的词汇词组。。。

其实词汇词组倒不是越复杂越好看，而是精准。简单和日常的一些也可以用得漂亮。我的感觉，你的表达有点意思不清晰。很多句子我要看两遍才分析出来，恍然大悟。长句很多，几乎都套个从句。
第二段有点乱。Civilization & culture和language的关系很难表述清楚。你需要在捋下，那些小点是共同的，比如在文化艺术或者历史方面。Egypt的例子可以再严谨点。分析条理点。
个人感觉有点像argument的写法。
以上均是个人感受而已，详细地还有待探讨。

中原527UID: 2707367

6# 123runfordream
感动啊，又有人给我改我都不想再看第2遍的ISSUE....
思路混乱啊当时写的....
句子都是拉得长长的...
当时根本就不知道I和A的具体区别就匆忙上阵...
鞠躬，谢谢你的批改

Maci.UID: 2731643

本文逻辑结构：
1.总述作者观点,现状
2.部分人意见：语言统一的好处
3.反驳：语言是文化的组成部分

语言承载祖辈的历史文化（埃及例子）

语言多样性代表文化多样性，多样文化能够促进总体文化的前进（印象派）
4.总结我们应该齐心保护文化多样性，政府扮演主要角色。

小弟认为，上面那些分析，其实就是帮助自己审题分析，可以启发思路。
不过不要太拘泥于这个形式了，担心有时候反而这样会限制自己的思维。
毕竟，complexity是很难修炼的。嘿嘿，我也在努力学习中。
恩，好，现在帮cat看作文好了。

小弟认为，这个题目审题后，关键就在于：政府是不是应该采取措施防止自家小语种的绝迹？整个文章当然要围绕这个问题展开了。然后也就不能这么简单的就接着下笔了，我觉得还应该考虑更多的问题，例如：到底什么是world's lesser-known languages？世界上有哪些小语种是正在消失的呢？小语种的重要性？这个小语种问题的根源是什么？或者说问题发生的时代背景？怎么做能够解决这个问题呢？政府采取措施的结果是彻底解决了这个问题还是说，只是有利于解决这个问题？政府具体的是做些什么事解决这些问题？在解决问题的过程中，政府又会遇到什么样的问题呢？

The author said that our [我觉得LS板油说的对，这里还是不用our比较好，毕竟这个government的指的是拥有小语种的国家] government should take action to protect the languages which decreasing people speak [这个表述很中式，直接用题目中的原文也未尝不可，protect the lesser-known languages，加个定语直接搞定，简洁利落] from becoming extinct. The recent report said that the deputy of United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization point out the argument [建议改成issue：a vital or unsettled matter*economic issues*--来自韦氏] that the languages of the minority groups in disadvantaged situation, which is facing the impact of [一般搭配的是under the influence/impact of，而且是复数，用are] internet, mighty [查找相关素材发现，通俗说法是majority或者dominant] languages and global integration [还是用globalization较妥当], is in the danger of extinct [改为being extinct，是正在发生的事情，且用进行时更具动态性。划横线的句子是这句话的主体部分，be动词当然应改为are]
at the forum of The ninth [会议名称,介词小写，the 19th] International Mother Language Day on 21 February 2008 [都是2008年的会议了自然也就不能用recently了]. 这一句话的表述有点罗嗦了，开始直接写作it was reported recently that……会不会更利落些？我个人觉得直接写UNESCO是可以的，应该没有考官不知道这个吧，写全称不是不可，只是多了看着有点累。”in disadvantaged situation”和”in the danger of extinct”意义相似，前后重复，应删除一个。而且第一句话已写到from becoming extinct，这里再用in the danger of being extinct的话，未免罗嗦，还会显示作者自己词汇量单薄。仔细斟酌这句话，很多小细节的问题。因为全球化的趋势，才会有dominant language这个现象的发生，两者放在并列的位置上是否妥当呢？因特网促进全球化的趋势，而全球化的趋势又加快因特网技术的发展，且这两点都会扩大dominant language的普及范围。或许是小弟过于挑剔，不过事实上用globalization这个词已足够交代这个小语种问题发生的时代背景，毕竟“全球化”的内涵也是十分complex的。这句话确实很繁琐呀。所以LZ可以再好好想想这句话该怎么修改。
正如LS板油所讲，没有作者自己的观点。

Of cause/course, there are quite a few people presenting their perspective that if we have only one language, we can communicate fluently than before and no misunderstanding because of different languages. One chapter of the bible says that , Babel was built by the human being who are solidly united on the same goal about creating the architecture which is higher than the heaven ,the god was so afraid that made the human have different languages. The beings were no longer in a cooperative of creating Babel, for they found that they were speaking different languages that others couldn't understand each other. This is the demonstration of bible that difference languages leads disruptive action, isn't it? 这段我觉得并没有起到很大的作用。圣经中的故事可引用，但是没有必要单独列一段，花大片的篇幅写这一段。而且，这毕竟也只是一个传说而已，或许考官是教徒相信这个故事，因语言不通而有误会的现象确实有，但是这个问题未必严重到要全都使用一种语言的程度。

But they ignore/时态改为现在完成时更佳，have ignored the concernful[这个词貌似出现的很少…] truth that the languages are the most crucial component of the civilization and the foundation or the carrier, which the stories, mythology, legend, fables and other different kinds of artistic works rely on[传说这类的东西到底是怎么通过语言来传达呢？]. And then, the languages include in the rich history of the ethical civilization.[这前面几句表述很罗嗦，而且像是中式英文的感觉啊，include in这个用法不恰当] The knowledge and experiences ,which the human beings summarize according the battle[这里用battle不合适] with the nature for thousands of years ,are contained in their languages, and depends on the languages, which contain[重复使用contain这个词，而且这个词还用的不形象] stories and telling, to hand down[pass down 固定搭配] from their ancestors to the next generation. The annihilation of one kind of language means the extinction of a unique kind of culture. The hieroglyphic writing of Egypt gives us the experience we should to learn. There are no beings not hearing the pyramid of Egypt.[明显的中文式表达] But in early time, no man can read the words of Cyprus papyrus only from Egypt, which may record the much knowledge of old Egypt we don't know, until a Frenchman who engaged in seeking the secret of Egypt translated them. Therefore, the most of mystery of Egyptian cultural heritage are shown to us. At last, different languages respect the varies of/要么直接用形容词，要么用diversity/ civilization, and the cultural diversity leads/固定搭配是lead to/ communication of different of culture. For instance, in the art field, when the neoclassical style seems to go to the end, some painter focus/语法问题 some painters, focusing/ on[而且个人觉得这里用specialize in会不会比较好？] The/拼写错误，the/ ancient Oriental, and the fresco of Egypt, the Yamato-e of Japan were becoming a fount of inspiration to them, for this reason there is the birth of impressionism.这个分句有问题，LZ再仔细看看。

In conclusion, no/应该是now that majority of languages[文章说的是小语种，到了后来又看不到她的倩影了] are endangered, we must collectively handle[handle这个词一般不与task搭配吧？] the task about protecting these languages, and the government should play the/a important role in this action. Above all, the rule of protecting languages in danger should be written into the law[这个表达有问题]. Seeing that the native language is instilled into the children from their infancy, local government should allow the school to teach them in去掉 two languages which are the mother language and the universal language. And then, in the impulse of government [表达的问题], the computer or telephone which can be used in the languages of minority nationality are invented. 为什么要这么做啊，这些措施产生了怎样的影响啊？

感觉文章稍微深入的时候，竟然是结尾。结构没有逻辑性，而且论证没有抓住重点。也没有自己的立场。表述很浅显，看来看去，看到后来我都有点摸不清门路了。看的有点稀里糊涂了，先改这么多，晚上回来再继续深究一下。
建议LZ可以重新审题，在考虑下自己的立意。文章一定要有自己的立场，而且有的地方要详略有当。表达的问题可以慢慢积累解决，但是首先一定要完整的写清自己的观点。
建议多看看前辈经验，自己也多多思考。

如有不当，欢迎各位指教呀。

中原527UID: 2707367

8# Maci.
感谢啊
激动啊\(≧▽≦)/~~~~~~~~~
毕竟是处女作...
写的时候也不知道用哪根筋...