issue13 二战习作 有拍必回~~~

sindyttUID: 2661721

issue 13 : Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost as fewer and fewer people speak them. The governments of countries in which these languages are spoken should act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct.

提纲：

1.背景论述。

2.一种语言就是一种思维方式的直接体现，丧失一种语言就是丧失了了解世界的一种角度。

3.语言的丧失会导致文化认同感的丧失

4.政府要不遗余力地保护本国语言，保证语言文化的多样性。

5.结尾

        According to the latest UNESCO report, 50% of six thousand world languages are losing speakers. It is estimated that by the end of 21st century, 90% of the world’s languages will be replaced by the dominant language. Since language is not only a tool for communication but also a vehicle carrying the unique culture, religion, history and knowledge of a nation, it is high time that the governments of countries whose languages are endangered should take some method to prevent them from being extinct.

        Each and every language embodies unique cultural wisdom of a people. The experience of human struggle against the nature, the experience obtained by daily life through long time is all passed from generation to generation through language. Language is like storage where the whole knowledge of a people is stored. As people evolved to a higher level of development, the language will become more and more accurate. Every time a language dies, we lose a particular system to understand the nature and a unique perspective to look into the world. The Eskimo, for instance, has more than twenty words to describe the color white, which reflect their careful observation about the environment they live. If the language disappears, we may fail to find any proper substitute. A simplification of language will cause the degeneration and absolutization of human mind. As the exchange of culture plays an indispensible role in human development of civilization, we should spare no effort to maintain the diversity of language to protect the diversity of human culture.

        What’s more, speakers of these languages may suffer not only the loss of their language but the irrecoverable loss of original ethnic and cultural identity. For example, if one is a Chinese, but he can only speak English. How can he know his ancestors’ history and how can he get information about the current affairs and the fashion popularizing in China? He is abound to has a loss about who he is, because he doesn’t know the language about his country. Christine Johnson, Tohono O’odham elder, American Indian Language Development Institute, says:”I speak my favorite language because that’s who I am. We teach our children our favorite language, because we want them to know who they are.”Thus, it is nature that governments around the world should pay much attention on the languages spoken in their countries, for which concerns the cognizance of the ethnic culture and coherence of its people.

         Indeed, the governments can be helpful in many ways and their roles are indispensable in preventing the language loss in the course of globalization. Perhaps the most obvious threat of languages diversity is the force of military, cultural, religious, economic or educational subjugation and none other than the government can help to save the losing language efficiently. For instances, they can help people to establish a bilingual educational system and set up broadcasting and TV station, which has been done by Norway government to protect Sami language, a particular people in Norway. Governments can also set up website and produce cell phones in these languages. Moreover, they can assemble a group of language specialists to systematically gather information on endangered language, strengthen research and collection relating to the endangered language and encourage the publication about the endangered language.

         Language is not only a tool for communication but also a unique expression of a people’s culture, tradition and religion. We can’t sacrifice these cherishing things in the course of so-called globalization. If there only leaves one language for human beings, our life may lose its most color, just like a painting with only black. So I advocate that the governments of these languages should take active part in the protection of their own language as well as their own history and culture.

plukaUID: 2721764

“倒数第三段：He is abound to has a loss about...”——>He is bound to...

干脆利落的行文，读起来非常舒服。例子赞！数据、事例和引言，都让你用上了~~~文章结构和思路也比较清晰。建议在“政府要保护语言”这一部分前面加一点连接成分，让前两段与该段的逻辑关系更清楚一些（是因果关系吧？）
再感叹下写的好~~~让人一目了然，没有绕弯，嗯嗯学习学习

都说了不是又八UID: 2728357

既然有拍必回：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1038306-1-2.html

下手不会太轻，如果觉得被拍怒了，请到如上链接处合理发泄～


  According to the latest UNESCO report, 50% of six thousand world languages are losing speakers.（losing并不是很好。数量的减少用这个词多少有点怪怪的） It is estimated that by the end of 21st century, 90% of the world’s languages will be replaced by the dominant language. Since language is not only a tool for communication but also a vehicle carrying the unique culture, religion, history and knowledge of a nation, it is high time（不喜欢这种说法——没见过任何一家外国出版社的出版物里出现这个东西。当然，想用的话也OK啦） that the governments of countries whose languages are endangered should take some method to prevent them from being extinct.（这个地方用个being很诡异）
开头段，可以说蛮中规中矩的——基本上大家都会这样写吧。开头段如果能够用事例或者语言撑起来的话最好了。

        Each and every（？） language embodies unique cultural wisdom（cultural wisdom= =是什么东西……） of a people（？？a people？）. The experience of human struggle against the（去掉） nature, the experience obtained by daily life through long time is all passed from generation to generation through language. Language is like storage where the whole knowledge of a people is stored.（话说得别扭。l is like storage觉得貌似少冠词。而且在你的观念中people都是要加a的是吧） As people evolved to a higher level of development, the language will become more and more accurate.（为什么说accurate？） Every time a language dies, we lose a particular system to understand the nature and a unique perspective to look into the world.（这句跑回来说如果语言【没有了】会怎样，跟上一句不搭了） The Eskimo, for instance, has more than twenty words to describe the color white, which reflect their careful observation about the environment they live（加in）. If the language disappears, we may fail to find any proper substitute（词性错了？）. A simplification of language will cause the degeneration and absolutization of human mind.（反对。比较中世纪英语与现代英语，这句话会被瞬间推倒） As the exchange of culture plays an indispensible role in human development of civilization, we should spare no effort to maintain the diversity of language to protect the diversity of human culture.
（这一段里面，除了ESKIMOS的一点儿东西，基本没举什么事例。而且实话说，说服能力也一般。这一段主要说的是哪一点？刚开始说的是文化的独立性，接着说到语言的accurate和发展，然后又说到语言如果没有了会怎样，语言退化了会怎样，最后一句又是文化交换的问题——为什么你的这几句话塞在一段里？这一段的中心到底是啥？）

        What’s more, speakers of these languages may suffer not only the loss of their language but the irrecoverable loss of original ethnic and cultural identity. For example, if one is a Chinese, but he can only speak English. How can he know his ancestors’ history and how can he get information about the current affairs and the fashion popularizing in China? He is abound to has a loss about who he is, because he doesn’t know the language about his country. Christine Johnson, Tohono O’odham elder, American Indian Language Development Institute, says:”I speak my favorite language because that’s who I am. We teach our children our favorite language, because we want them to know who they are.”（不得不说：一，说服力依然不够。我喜欢英文，那么我就说英文咯，好多中国人都是鄙夷说中文满嘴英文的，你引的这句话正好给假洋鬼子们提供了理由。二，不得不猜一下：这段话是你从别处查来的吧。和你前面的FOR EXAMPLE风格根本就不搭，还拿出来了TOHONO O`ODHAM ELDER，如果让我猜一下你查到他的途径的话，多半是在美国的期刊杂志社论上。搬可以，不自然。）Thus, it is nature（错。natural） that governments around the world should pay much attention on the languages spoken in their countries, for which concerns the cognizance of the ethnic culture and coherence of its people. （话说cognizance of ethnic and coherence到底有什么作用？在现今物欲横流的世界拿出这种基本与financial interest相对的东西有什么意义？）

         Indeed, the governments can be helpful in many ways and their roles are indispensable in preventing the language loss in the course of globalization. Perhaps the most obvious threat of languages diversity is the force of military, cultural, religious, economic or educational subjugation and none other than the government can help to save the losing language efficiently. For instances（囧  是故意加复数的么）, they can help people to establish a bilingual educational system and set up broadcasting and TV station, which has been done by Norway government to protect Sami language, a particular people in Norway. Governments can also set up website and produce cell phones in these languages. Moreover, they can assemble a group of language specialists to systematically gather information on endangered language, strengthen research and collection relating to the endangered language and encourage the publication about the endangered language.（问题。按照楼主在首段所说，6000门到世纪末可只剩下600门了呀，剩下基本都被替代了。政府要做什么其实不难描述——政策，保护性，资源配置流动。相关的brainstorm并不难做。但是，作为一个阅卷者，我还真是被前面这个数据所吸引住了——6000到600，好个严峻形势！怎样处理呢？然而楼主在这一段中所说的处理方法就好像在答高中题一般，扔上来四五个解决方法，互相之间除了transition words之外没有任何显性的或隐性的逻辑标志。）

         Language is not only a tool for communication but also a unique expression of a people’s culture, tradition and religion. We can’t sacrifice these cherishing things in the course of so-called globalization. If there only leaves one language for human beings, our life may lose its most color, just like a painting with only black. So I advocate that the governments of these languages should take active part in the protection of their own language as well as their own history and culture. 最后一段回到了文章刚开始的逻辑。而globalization这个语言保存的大敌终于在最后一段露出了名字——哥们儿你是要拍下一代再打这个boss么。a painting with only black也没什么呀，素描不就是这样嘛——这个说理没力度。

嘛，总的来说，没有什么闪光点，但是也没有blunder得满地都是。三到四分为好。以上。

gongyuxiang1990UID: 2697832

先留个脚印，晚上回来仔细拜读~

adammaksimUID: 2675466

1、采取一边倒赞同的观点不容易体现LZ思维的深度
2、第二个例子 “不说中国话的中国人”比较牵强
3、不一定要刻意去找新颖的例子，普通的例子用得恰当就行
第一次拍- -               
三楼的大哥头像好彪悍~拍的也很彪悍~~~

gongyuxiang1990UID: 2697832

既然2楼的同学已经分析那么详细了，小弟是新手，文法不好，也不敢妄加评论。
只是说说读了之后的感想吧。
初看提纲，感觉第4点是不是应该放在最前面？因为这个题目是should型，有should就涉及价值判断，判断的标准是什么呢？should or should not? 主体是什么呢？act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct。我们是不是应该以这个标准来展开论述呢？LZ的2、3点应该是作为对4的进一步论述。


读完文章后，LZ论述条理清晰，首段提出观点，接着就语言的重要性展开，后边进一步深化主题，结尾提出建议！很赞！
只是提纲把小弟误导了，嘿嘿！


小弟文章，请狠拍！
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1038099-1-1.html

Maci.UID: 2731643

issue 13 : Many of the world's lesser-known languages are being lost as fewer and fewer people speak them. The governments of countries in which these languages are spoken should act to prevent such languages from becoming extinct.

提纲：
1.背景论述。
2.一种语言就是一种思维方式的直接体现，丧失一种语言就是丧失了了解世界的一种角度。
3.语言的丧失会导致文化认同感的丧失
4.政府要不遗余力地保护本国语言，保证语言文化的多样性。
5.结尾

According to the latest UNESCO report, 50% of six thousand world languages are losing speakers. It is estimated that by the end of 21st century, 90% of the world’s languages will be replaced by the dominant language. Since language is not only a tool for communication but also a vehicle carrying the unique culture, religion, history and knowledge of a nation, it is high time that the governments of countries whose languages are endangered should take some method to prevent them from being extinct.

用Google查询了一些和这个报告相关的信息，所以觉得开头改成“at least 50% of the world’s nearly six thousand languages are losing speakers” at least和nearly six thousand是报告中的原文。即使我们不知道原文，或者没时间查询相关资料，这里也应该加上这样类似的词或词组，主要是为了避免表述的绝对化。另外，losing这个表达没有问题，因为原文就是这么说的 ^_^ 同样的来自原文，“We estimate that about 90% of the world’s languages may be replaced by dominant languages by the end of the 21st century”
因此，开篇两句话既然都是来自报告中的事实，何不直接合成一句话？这个资料的地址，小弟就不奉上了，个人觉得大家自己学着用Google去搜索比较实在，而且这个并不难找。也是用Google搜索，it is high time的说法也是可以的，不过这里用take action会不会更好呢？虽然比较大众化的表达，呵呵。
我认为，这个开头仅仅只是将整个题目复述了一遍，仅此而已，并没有明确的看到作者的观点，或者说，你的立场：同意或反对或中立？ AWintro中也多次提到要有“your position”，例如：“decide what position on the issue you want to take and defend—remember you are free to agree or disagree completely or to agree with some parts or some applications but not others”

拿到这个题目后，最重要的当然是审题。看这个题目，小弟认为，关键就在于：政府是不是应该采取措施防止自家语种的绝迹？整个文章当然要围绕这个问题展开了。然后也就不能这么简单的就接着下笔了，我觉得还应该考虑更多的问题，例如：到底什么是world's lesser-known languages？世界上有哪些小语种是正在消失的呢？小语种的重要性？这个小语种问题的根源是什么？或者说问题发生的时代背景？怎么做能够解决这个问题呢？政府采取措施的结果是彻底解决了这个问题还是说，只是有利于解决这个问题？政府具体的是做些什么事解决这些问题？在解决问题的过程中，政府又会遇到什么样的问题呢？

根据LZ的第一段，我认为，LZ对于language的定义是Since language is not only a tool for communication but also a vehicle carrying the unique culture, religion, history and knowledge of a nation.

Each and every language embodies unique cultural wisdom of a people. The [个人认为这里改为An比较准确，举的是范例，“某一个经历“] experience of human struggle [语法错误，struggling] against the nature, or the experience [前面加个or连接句子，且改为or the others，指剩余的所有部分，间接说明了这些经验都是在日常生活中积累起来的] obtained by [改为accumulated in会不会更恰当？] daily life through long time is all [我始终觉得避免绝对化比较好，毕竟有的还是可以通过一些历史书籍之类的遗传下来] passed from generation to generation through language. Language is like storage where the whole knowledge of a people is stored.[storage和store前后重复] As people evolved to a higher level of development [进化到一个更高的发展？用词不当，state?], the language will become more and more accurate. Every time [依旧觉得every是不是有点太绝对了？] a language dies, we lose a particular system to understand the nature and a unique perspective to look into the world. The Eskimo, for instance, has more than twenty words to describe the color “white”加引号, which reflect their careful observation about the environment they live. If the language disappears, we may fail to find any proper substitute. A simplification of language will cause the degeneration and absolutization of human mind [思维的退化和绝对化？这两个词貌似有点诡异了]. As the exchange of culture plays an indispensible role in human development of civilization, we should spare no effort to maintain the diversity of language to protect the diversity of human culture.

先说大方面，lz这段的ts是“Each and every language embodies unique cultural wisdom of a people.”但是后面展开的论证部分，貌似除了前面第一句、第二句（勉强算是）能搭上边之外，后面的都脱离这段的中心了，一定要“address the central issue”啊。
再说小层次吧，抛开是否偏离中心的问题，我们一句一句的看lz的论证。“对抗自然的经验”到底是怎么通过language遗传给后人？为什么要写这样的经验，也就说，这个经验怎么体现lz所说的language蕴含着”wisdom of a people”？显然，这里lz是想表达language的重要性，那么在论证的时候是不是应该注意论证的”effectiveness”呢？
Storage这一句话，貌似是在解答我上面的一些问题，可惜没有展开。
为什么人进化了，语言就会变得更加准确？虽然这个问题不是很难回答，但是前后两者的联系还是要点明的，否则怎么support your position呢？怎么体现your skill of critical and analytical writing呢？连自己的立场都无法支撑，还怎么去说服考官？
The Eskimo的事例比较老，缺乏点新意。其次，”careful observation”就意味着是“智慧”么？事例虽老，但是运用得当的话也可有“大放光彩”的时候，如果挖掘的程度仅仅只是停留在表面的话，是无法表现ETS所追寻的” the complexity of ideas associated with those perspectives”的。关于Eskimo的具体素材，Google之，皆有。一篇issue精华也曾引用到这个例子，标题为“Issue13 反全球化问题之小语种与政府保护”，文中的第四段，LZ或者有兴趣的同学可以看看。
说的是小语种消失的问题，为什么突然变成”simplification”了？还有，语言的简化会导致人们思维的退化和绝对化？这里貌似牵强了，不谈偏离的问题，在现在这样的社会环境下，人们的思维再怎么样也不至于退化吧？而且为什么会绝对化呢？还是展开的不够充分，挖掘的不够彻底。
Exchange of culture就这么很突兀的出现了，囧。跟上文的论证完全联系不上，这怎么算的上是connecting ideas appropriately/logically呢？后面也变成去强调“diversity of human culture”去了。抛开这些问题，论证还是有问题，“因为文化交流很重要，所以我们要不遗余力的保护语言的多样性来保护文化的多样性”，这句话看起老貌似很有道理，但实际上就是“一朵浮云”，文化交流和语言的多样性有什么关系？也就是说，文化交流在语言多样性这一点上，到底有怎样的重要性呢？因为不可或缺，所以很重要，这样的论证完全没有说服力。同样的，不遗余力的保护到底是要怎么做呢？而这些又怎么跟文化的多样性挂钩呢？就像鱼骨一样，虽有分支，但始终在同一中心骨架上。

What’s more, speakers of these languages may suffer not only the loss of their language but the irrecoverable loss of original ethnic and cultural identity. For example, if one is a Chinese, but he can only speak English [直接说ABC之类的不更简洁更具体些么？]. How can he know his ancestors’ history and how can he get information about the current affairs and the fashion popularizing in China? [这句话，完全无效，反而还会体现作者思维的单一，英文书籍中不乏介绍中国历史的佼佼者，国外的媒体也会经常跟踪报道中国的实时动态] He is abound/改为bound to has a loss about who he is, because he doesn’t know the language about his country.[不了解语言和迷失自我的关系未有效地论证出来] Christine Johnson, Tohono O’odham elder, American Indian Language Development Institute, says:”I speak my favorite language because that’s who I am. We teach our children our favorite language, because we want them to know who they are.” [这个例子还不错，只是同样出现的很突兀…] Thus, it is nature/natural [natural在韦氏中的一个含义：based on an inherent sense of right and wrong，我觉得这个含义比较贴合作者使用这个词的本意，但是这里用natural貌似不大恰当。保护语言与sense of right and wrong是不通的，政府采取一些措施并不能仅仅从sense of r&w来考虑] that governments around the world should pay much attention on/to the languages spoken in their countries, for which concerns the cognizance of the ethnic culture and coherence of its people. 这句话写的有问题，直接写作”
concerning the cognizance of the ethnic culture and coherence of its people”

来自wiki的解释——“Ethnic identity is further marked by the researcher Seng Yang in the recognition from others of a group's distinctiveness and the recognition of common cultural, linguistic, religious, behavioral traits as indicators of contrast to other groups” 了解这个关键字的含义，是有利于帮助论证的。解释中的重点字词，都为我们下笔提供了一些clues，仔细观察是不难发现的。
第一个例子的单薄性，上面已经提到。第二个例子或许应该和前面那句话互换下位子。这样，前面那句话就相当于对Christine Johnson这个例子的一个总结。不过，我个人觉得，可以用这一个例子展开论证，充分的描述语言和identity的关系。
段落的小结和前面的论证衔接的不够严密，给我的感觉就是ethnic culture and coherence = original ethnic and cultural identity，但是中间展开的部分又不能使这个等号成立。
不得不提醒的是，文章说的是“lesser-known languages”，到了后来，就变成around the world了，时刻记住扣题。

Indeed, the governments can be helpful in many ways and their roles are indispensable in preventing the language loss in the course of globalization. Perhaps the most obvious threat of languages diversity [语言的多样性，突兀的冒出，给人的感觉是重点在说这个，而不是保护小语种] is the force of military, cultural, religious, economic or educational subjugation [军事上用这个词还可以理解，但是文化教育也用这个未免太夸张了吧？] and none other than [语法问题！这个词组后面要用名词形式] the government can help to save the losing language efficiently. For instances, they can help people to establish a bilingual educational system and set up broadcasting and TV station, which has been done by Norway government to protect Sami language, a particular people in Norway. Governments can also set up website and produce cell phones in these languages. Moreover, they can assemble a group of language specialists to systematically gather information on endangered language, strengthen research and collection relating to the endangered language and encourage the publication about the endangered language.

细节错误，就不具体说了。
LZ的TS里面有个关键字，”globalization”，请问，下面的论述哪里具体的体现了这个？none other than未免太绝对了，政府能够彻底的解决这些问题而不带任何负面影响么？也不仅仅是政府一方的责任吧？Norway的那个例子，老问题，particular一个词就能体现上面“语言多样性”？前面lz竟然说的是语言的多样性，那么后面的论证应该扣住它。而且，政府在这个过程中的具体角色到底是怎样的呢？

Language is not only a tool for communication but also a unique expression of a people’s culture, tradition and religion. We can’t sacrifice these cherishing things in the course of so-called [这个词，应该去掉，很奇怪] globalization. If there only leaves one language for human beings, our life may lose its most color, just like a painting with only black. So I advocate that the governments of these languages should take active part in the protection of their own language as well as their own history and culture.

Culture, tradition, religion这几点在文中是否真的能找到相对应的具体描述？而且开头是culture, religion, history and knowledge of a nation，到了最后就变成三点了，而且还只是a people的，结尾是总结全文的，要注意与文章首段的呼应，以及对各个TS的概括。全球化的这个背景条件虽然提出来了，但是根本没有好好的利用起来，遗憾的是文章中她的倩影并不多。文章的重点是小语种，这个也提了很多次了，千万也别忘记这位佳人了。具体的细节，LZ可以再好好的看看。

小弟认为，LZ的issue还是有不少的问题，首先在审题这方面就做的不够透彻，审题出了问题，文章论证的方向就会偏离。所以，建议LZ多挖掘作文版一些前辈的经验，虽然写得多了，自然会有质变，但是这个量的积累最好是建立在一个正确全面的认识上呢。关于例子的使用，要与论证相辅相成。不是简单的摆个例子出来就可以了，要将它与自己的论证有效的结合起来，何谓有效？个人觉得，intro解释的很清楚了，不妨在好好的看看这个“宝典”。
批改若有遗漏或错误，请LZ和各位同学帮忙指正下吧，谢谢啦！

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补充一下：
关于语言和表达，LZ现在的表述虽然朴实，但是还是可以好好提升一下呢。
这样锦上添花不是更好？
不过前提还是在于，文章的逻辑思维结构，作者的观点等。
所以审题千万要做好，提纲这个东西，也应该好好写。
每写完一个TS，就问问自己，我的TS是在呼应题目，呼应我的观点么？
最后能有适当的升华当然更好。
观点一定要发散开来，而不要仅仅停留于表面的东西。

改作文这个嘛，仁者见仁智者见智，所以我们说的也不一定是全对的，毕竟ETS才是王道啊。
所以LZ可以参考下我们所有人的意见，最重要的还是要有自己的想法。
思考很重要。